venting about my mm -I have just had it!

[oxfordsocks]

My MM has been home to his family for 10 days after returning from being away 3 months working overseas. Yes for those who have been following I am still "seeing him" -another visit was made to see him while he was on this job.

 

I asked that he not contact me by phone or computer for the first 3 days and to spend 100 percent of his time with his children not me as i had just left him after spending 12 days with him and thought it right all his time be to them.

 

Since that time we have had only one conversation online--and his phone died and he had to get another one and new sim card and therefore new number-he said he tried to call 3 days ago with no luck(some problem with phone card or something or new phone access code or some oher lame thing- and the usuall busy weekend -lots of people around catching up with him from being away(first full weekend home after not having jet lag).

 

Anyways contact has not been the usual -so today when i saw him online waiting for me to show up online this morning i said to him that it had been a long time since i saw him(on cam) and talked live---so i said that i was feeling like his "wife" since when he away they barely speak --just text and no computer.

 

He said "ouch" Yep--I told him not to give any excuses as that is what they would be . I said that i came all that way to see him recently and that i think i deserved a phone call by now(he can call here 24 hours a day 7 days a week if he wants) . Receviing his messages that he was going insane not talking to me just doesn't cut it- not like he lives in the Rainforest without cell service. (these next thoughts are in my head not spoken out loud to him) If you want to call-call--go for a walk with the dog--take your spouses car(hey only have one) and tell her your going out to look at something or get juice. Are you that joined at the hip or undersurveillance that you can't do anything on your own?

 

I am really ticked and told him that i wouldn't be coming around today to talk online and i am not sure about anytime the rest of this week.

 

Tired of excuses and making it easy for him all the time. If he wants me --find me-call me-I am not doing it anymore. And this not going on the computer anymore at night to talk while at home--as she stays up with him to make sure he doesn;t go on computer. Screw that-be a man-go to bed then get up and go on the computer if you want-does she have a gun to your head-idiot idiot idiot-God it feels good to vent like this

[oxfordsocks]

replying to my own thread--ha--tired of being the secret--i called her about a month ago-his wife when i had decided to break things off until he was alone and separated--(i had a moment where i wanted to find out if anything he said had been true) and yes she knew about me--but since then and since i weakend once i heard he had told her about me and that everything had been true about what we all went through last summer-but when she asked me when i last had contact (i thought it his business to tell her not me ) so i confirmed a time that she knew about--but since then I have now felt more a part of the lie.

Before i was with him--and it was his lie to her about me--but now i lied to her(does that make sense)

so now i am more a part of it--

 

So know i feel really bad that i am sucked into his lies. I am really messed up today.

[fooled once]

I thought it was over?

 

Why are you still begging for his attention?

 

You called his wife and what? Tried to find out if he loved her? What was your intention when you called her?

 

So obviously, she knows you exist....but does she know you are doing her husband? Since they are still together, I can only surmise that he explained you away to her - as in minimized any relationship you two have.

 

But you still ran back to him, knowing he has chose his wife?

 

i am so confused.

 

Honey, if he wanted to talk to you, he would. He isn't making any effort...that should speak VOLUMES to you.

[califnan]

Oxford.. No one has done anything to you ... you have done it to yourself..

 

You are allowing him to minimize you ... and yes you were always a part of his lie in the marriage..

 

You know that to squeeze a whole complete woman into a fraction of a man's life - is just that..

 

These affairs within the marriage are just that of using the OW or OM, to ingratiate his life and marriage. .. Dump him, and find the whole woman that God has blessed you to be .. ..

[bentnotbroken]

You were always a part of the deceit. The only difference now is you have eliminated the middle man(term used loosely of course.)

[White Flower]

replying to my own thread--ha--tired of being the secret--i called her about a month ago-his wife when i had decided to break things off until he was alone and separated--(i had a moment where i wanted to find out if anything he said had been true) and yes she knew about me--but since then and since i weakend once i heard he had told her about me and that everything had been true about what we all went through last summer-but when she asked me when i last had contact (i thought it his business to tell her not me ) so i confirmed a time that she knew about--but since then I have now felt more a part of the lie.

Before i was with him--and it was his lie to her about me--but now i lied to her(does that make sense)

so now i am more a part of it--

 

So know i feel really bad that i am sucked into his lies. I am really messed up today.

Oxford I wouldn't call it begging for his attention as another stated. If he loves you enough to share your bed then he loves you enough to call you and email you, just as in any caring R. You DESERVE this respect so let's not call it begging.

 

I know what you mean about being a part of the lie now that W knows about you. I told my MM that this whole thing is different now; it does something to you when you're no longer anonymous to the BS. I had a dream last night that she called me and wanted some answers. In my dream I asked her if she was ready for life to change drastically because if not then it might not be wise to ask me. The dream ended there, but if she really did call me I'm not sure I could hold back now. I'd hate to feel as you do now.

 

Hugs.

[whichwayisup]

This guy has you snowed and eating out of the palm of his hand. Seems you're just realizing this now. That's a good thing.

 

How could you trust him. You don't have eyes or spies to see what he does when he's at home with his wife and family. All that you know is what he tells you..

 

(he can call here 24 hours a day 7 days a week if he wants)

Exactly. And actions speak louder than words.

 

Focus on your own children, and get the talks going with your husband about divorce. Whatever the outcome is with the MM, you need to set your H free.

[MizzBlue72]

I think we have all had periods of time like this.

The waiting and waiting and waiting.... online, email, texts.

The MM just do not get it - like we are an after thought.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I agree - stay off line, out of reach. Make him actually have to work at if for a little bit - let him know what you are feeling. I'm sure if the show was on the other foot - he would feel exactly the same.

[pureinheart]

Hi OS...nothing much that I can say except I hope things get better for you and yes venting is the best/responsible release. Be careful...k...

[pureinheart]

Oxford I wouldn't call it begging for his attention as another stated. If he loves you enough to share your bed then he loves you enough to call you and email you, just as in any caring R. You DESERVE this respect so let's not call it begging.

 

I know what you mean about being a part of the lie now that W knows about you. I told my MM that this whole thing is different now; it does something to you when you're no longer anonymous to the BS. I had a dream last night that she called me and wanted some answers. In my dream I asked her if she was ready for life to change drastically because if not then it might not be wise to ask me. The dream ended there, but if she really did call me I'm not sure I could hold back now. I'd hate to feel as you do now.

 

Hugs.

 

OMG WF, I had a dream when exDM was MM...him, W and me were all there, he acted really funny, almost like he was pretending like he didn't know me. This shook me up...you know those dreams that leave you with that "weird" feeling.

 

I know I didn't stick to much, although I would have followed through with this one. I told him if he EVER denied me that would be it, I'd never speak to him again...he knew I would hold to that one.

 

Interesting that he mostlikely denied me AFTER the D. There is no proof because I do not talk to his family, but I feel it, it is the main reason I have not talked to him in a long while...just can't handle insanity

[fooled once]

Oxford I wouldn't call it begging for his attention as another stated. If he loves you enough to share your bed then he loves you enough to call you and email you, just as in any caring R. You DESERVE this respect so let's not call it begging.

 

I know what you mean about being a part of the lie now that W knows about you. I told my MM that this whole thing is different now; it does something to you when you're no longer anonymous to the BS. I had a dream last night that she called me and wanted some answers. In my dream I asked her if she was ready for life to change drastically because if not then it might not be wise to ask me. The dream ended there, but if she really did call me I'm not sure I could hold back now. I'd hate to feel as you do now.

 

Hugs.

 

I call it begging especially when she said:

 

Since that time we have had only one conversation online--and his phone died and he had to get another one and new sim card and therefore new number-he said he tried to call 3 days ago with no luck(some problem with phone card or something or new phone access code or some oher lame thing- and the usuall busy weekend -lots of people around catching up with him from being away(first full weekend home after not having jet lag).

 

**Making excuses whey he hasn't contacted her....

 

Anyways contact has not been the usual -so today when i saw him online waiting for me to show up online this morning i said to him that it had been a long time since i saw him(on cam) and talked live---so i said that i was feeling like his "wife" since when he away they barely speak --just text and no computer.

 

**trying to guilt him becuase he hasn't resumed 'normal contact' with her....even throwing his relationship with his wife in his face (since don't forget, she hacked into his email so she could read the emails between him and his wife).

 

He said "ouch" Yep--I told him not to give any excuses as that is what they would be . I said that i came all that way to see him recently and that i think i deserved a phone call by now(he can call here 24 hours a day 7 days a week if he wants) . Receviing his messages that he was going insane not talking to me just doesn't cut it- not like he lives in the Rainforest without cell service. (these next thoughts are in my head not spoken out loud to him) If you want to call-call--go for a walk with the dog--take your spouses car(hey only have one) and tell her your going out to look at something or get juice. Are you that joined at the hip or undersurveillance that you can't do anything on your own?

**Her frustration rings loud and clear and is telling him what to do to contact her.

 

I am really ticked and told him that i wouldn't be coming around today to talk online and i am not sure about anytime the rest of this week.

 

Tired of excuses and making it easy for him all the time. If he wants me --find me-call me-I am not doing it anymore. And this not going on the computer anymore at night to talk while at home--as she stays up with him to make sure he doesn;t go on computer. Screw that-be a man-go to bed then get up and go on the computer if you want-does she have a gun to your head-idiot idiot idiot-God it feels good to vent like this

 

Again, frustration and blaming the wife for why he hasn't called/contacted her.

 

Maybe it is because he got his fill of her and he doesn't need to contact her? Maybe it is because he knows, no matter what he does, she will be sitting there and waiting for him? I mean, again, blaming the wife for him not contacting her?? Gimme a break. If he wanted to contact her, he would. He will throw the OP a bone every few days to keep her happy, and then he goes off with his wife and family.

 

He doesn't want a full time permanent relationship with the OP. He has no desire for it. It is obvious from HIS ACTIONS.

 

Not to thread jack, but WF...

 

I told my MM that this whole thing is different now;

 

So are you back with him????

[bittersweet memories]

Oxford I wouldn't call it begging for his attention as another stated.

 

 

Of Course you would not call it begging for this attention because YOU are do the same thing!!

[nadiaj2727]

Oxford I wouldn't call it begging for his attention as another stated. If he loves you enough to share your bed then he loves you enough to call you and email you, just as in any caring R. You DESERVE this respect so let's not call it begging.

 

 

Just because a man shares a bed with a woman does not mean he loves her or respects her. Sometimes, unfortunately, it's quite the opposite.

[jennie-jennie]

I thought it was over?

Why are you still begging for his attention?

 

You called his wife and what? Tried to find out if he loved her? What was your intention when you called her?

 

So obviously, she knows you exist....but does she know you are doing her husband? Since they are still together, I can only surmise that he explained you away to her - as in minimized any relationship you two have.

 

But you still ran back to him, knowing he has chose his wife?

 

i am so confused.

 

Honey, if he wanted to talk to you, he would. He isn't making any effort...that should speak VOLUMES to you.

 

Oxford I wouldn't call it begging for his attention as another stated. If he loves you enough to share your bed then he loves you enough to call you and email you, just as in any caring R. You DESERVE this respect so let's not call it begging.

 

I am confused now. From what I have seen here on LS GEL is often brought up as a role model for an OW because she demanded respect. Now when Oxford demands respect it is called begging?

 

Again, frustration and blaming the wife for why he hasn't called/contacted her.

 

Oxford is not blaming the wife. She is pointing out the poor excuses the MM uses by blaming his wife. "Screw that-be a man-go to bed then get up and go on the computer if you want-does she have a gun to your head-idiot idiot idiot"

[jennie-jennie]

Oxford, I must say I admire your guts for venting on LS when time after time again you have been nothing but jumped and ridiculed.

[jthorne]

*shrug* Regardless of whether anyone is begging or anyone has anyone else's respect, or anyone loves anyone else enough to share their bed, or whatever, it is what it is... an affair.

If he wanted to make you a priority, he would. Period.

It's up to you, oxford, whether you want to put up with that.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Eventually you will tire of this and cut yourself free. Until then, hang in there. I don't see anything changing here. His W knows, and she enables him to stay. So, why would he divorce? It is easier and cheaper for him to stay married with a W who understands his complexities (ie: philandering) and condones them, and simply continue having an affair when it is convenient for him.

[fooled once]

*shrug* Regardless of whether anyone is begging or anyone has anyone else's respect, or anyone loves anyone else enough to share their bed, or whatever, it is what it is... an affair.

If he wanted to make you a priority, he would. Period.

It's up to you, oxford, whether you want to put up with that.

 

Exactly.

 

She posted a month ago...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t228184/

 

So today I decided i couldn't live like this anymore and that no matter how much i love him i needed to let him go--and told him if we are meant to be together down the road than so be it but i can't be around while he is still waiting if ever to move here(to Canada from England) I also have spent so much time wondering if -what he says is true-trying to believe him but in the face of her words and other stuff (my other posts here) that i refused to shed a tear if he was just a cake eater. So i did it--I CALLED HIS WIFE. and she knew all about me. She told me how difficult it was for them --Do I know what i did to her and her kids--how I have screwed up her husbands mind--did i know that they were coming up to their 20th wedding anniversary?

 

She wanted to call me names i said go ahead but she wouldn't -I started convo by telling her my name and asking if she remembered me(figuring if she didn't than i could just hang up and say i had gotten the wrong name and number) but she said How could i forget!!!!!! she says she doesn't blame it all on me it takes two and that it was disgusting what i did--coming into a marriage while being in my own etcc. She said she knows everything about me my kids everthing and has my number from the text i sent(another post of mine) she asked me when was the last time i talked to her husband and i said it may have been last October or maybe by text(i wasn't out to cause anymore misery to her) and she wanted to know why know--i said it was coming up to a year ago this weekend that we had been in my country and that for me to move forward I needed to apologize(kind of -but more i just wanted to know if she knew).

 

She asked about my husband andi said that we were iin process of parting and she said well"don't be coming after mine" She told me she was trying to be as happy as she could and that they had two lovely children and a lovely home and a lovely extended family-she said he tells her he loves her and she believes him . i thanked her for taking my call and that was it. i called mm to tell him i called and he said he was happy i did it as he couldn't seem to convince me that he had told her everything . he said i am not sure she will believe that we have not been in touch though but he also said that might be a bad thing. This was a tough day for both of us--lotso ftears shed on both sides of the phone I still can't believe I told him goodbye.

 

i don't hate him for not wanting to leave his daughter i just wish he could see how much he could still be a loving father from a distance and much happier man as a person with me. Perhaps not having me now will make him see just how much he doesn't have now. Selfish?Dreamy? Practical for affairs like this? I don't know i just know i hurt .

 

She called his wife, lied to her about the contact with him (so I am not sure why she even bothered since she didn't tell the truth to the wife) and then "ended" it because she wasn't going to continue to be waiting around for him.

 

Yet, now she is back to waiting.... and telling him how he should contact her more, how he should walk the dog so he could call her, etc.

 

*shrug*

 

Sounds like she is back to accepting scraps and NOT being respected. If she wants respect, she needs to demand it, not continue to play this game.

 

If he wanted to leave his wife, he would have. People divorce all the time. Sounds more like Oxford is just a side dish, not the main course. And she is allowing it.

[whichwayisup]

Oxford, I must say I admire your guts for venting on LS when time after time again you have been nothing but jumped and ridiculed.

 

This could have been said to her in a PM. Throwing this out there just fans the flames. Though you probably know this.

 

Noone has name called, or been rude or cruel/mean to her. Everyone has stated their 2 cents, like it or not, it's still advice and alot of she needs to hear. This guy is and has been lying to her for a long time, and I think she's starting to wake up and recognize that things aren't what they seem.

 

She also isn't just an "OW. She's a MW with children. I say she focussing on her kids, settling things custody wise and do the D thing with her H before doing anything else with the MM. He is putting HIS family first, maybe it's time she did the same thing. Don't make him a priority anymore.

[jennie-jennie]

This could have been said to her in a PM. Throwing this out there just fans the flames. Though you probably know this.

 

Noone has name called, or been rude or cruel/mean to her. Everyone has stated their 2 cents, like it or not, it's still advice and alot of she needs to hear. This guy is and has been lying to her for a long time, and I think she's starting to wake up and recognize that things aren't what they seem.

 

She also isn't just an "OW. She's a MW with children. I say she focussing on her kids, settling things custody wise and do the D thing with her H before doing anything else with the MM. He is putting HIS family first, maybe it's time she did the same thing. Don't make him a priority anymore.

 

Huh? Do you not realize how exceptional Oxford is? Continuing to post her emotions as an OW on LS? Most OW in affairs give up because of the hostile climate here.

 

I have sent Oxford a personal message. I chose to post on her thread to encourage her and keep her spirits high in spite of the responses she continuously gets. I do admire her. I would not post in her situation. I am not strong enough to meet the kind of reaction she gets. It would harm me instead of being helpful.

[White Flower]

I call it begging especially when she said:

 

 

 

Again, frustration and blaming the wife for why he hasn't called/contacted her.

 

Maybe it is because he got his fill of her and he doesn't need to contact her? Maybe it is because he knows, no matter what he does, she will be sitting there and waiting for him? I mean, again, blaming the wife for him not contacting her?? Gimme a break. If he wanted to contact her, he would. He will throw the OP a bone every few days to keep her happy, and then he goes off with his wife and family.

 

He doesn't want a full time permanent relationship with the OP. He has no desire for it. It is obvious from HIS ACTIONS.

 

Not to thread jack, but WF...

 

 

 

So are you back with him????

Sorry I missed this post while I was away. No, not back with him. I said that to him after D-day.

 

I don't think communicating is begging. You ask for what you want, what you need and if you don't get it you back off. Find someone else who can fulfill those needs. But if you don't ask, often you don't get. That's all.

[White Flower]

Of Course you would not call it begging for this attention because YOU are do the same thing!!

Funny how BW or any SW (single woman) can demand respect but an OW can't? That's pretty funny.

 

Just because a man shares a bed with a woman does not mean he loves her or respects her. Sometimes, unfortunately, it's quite the opposite.

You are right and if oxfordsocks decides that he doesn't respect her enough or love her enough she can start ignoring HIS calls.

I am confused now. From what I have seen here on LS GEL is often brought up as a role model for an OW because she demanded respect. Now when Oxford demands respect it is called begging?

 

 

 

Oxford is not blaming the wife. She is pointing out the poor excuses the MM uses by blaming his wife. "Screw that-be a man-go to bed then get up and go on the computer if you want-does she have a gun to your head-idiot idiot idiot"

Arbitrary-ness, I tell ya. Not speaking about GEL when I say that.

 

Oxford, I must say I admire your guts for venting on LS when time after time again you have been nothing but jumped and ridiculed.

Watch out, your thread might upset others and they'll have it torn down. Another arbitrary decision made by those that don't even support the forum. You can always PM us and we'll go from there.

[pureinheart]

Huh? Do you not realize how exceptional Oxford is? Continuing to post her emotions as an OW on LS? Most OW in affairs give up because of the hostile climate here.

 

I have sent Oxford a personal message. I chose to post on her thread to encourage her and keep her spirits high in spite of the responses she continuously gets. I do admire her. I would not post in her situation. I am not strong enough to meet the kind of reaction she gets. It would harm me instead of being helpful.

 

This statement right here tells me there is something greatly wrong with this picture.

 

Here we have an OW...posting in the OW forum and she gets attacked, as do many. jennie communicates that she would not post because it would HARM her rather than help...this is bad.

 

Come on...it's the same negative responses all of the time, rarely if never (on certain threads) anything possitive or supportive.

 

In case some have not noticed, we are all on different levels of this...most of the OW would never have an A again, some are stuck, some are happy...BUT regardless this forum is what it is.

 

I don't frequent the infidelity forum, so am unaware what goes on there...from time to time will pop in, but that is not enough to make an accurate statement...I think it would be completely uncool if the OW on this board were to post over there saying what horrible people BS's are for leaving or taking back the awful, scumbag, low-life, jacked up H's. Why did you leave, if he wanted to work it out you are messed up (and state the horrible, descriptive reasons as to why)...what, you've never made a mistake...now see that would be quite insensitive to say to a hurting BS.

 

FTR, for the ones that saw OW/OM (BS's), I know from experience that red flags went up long before I M'ed any of them...and we all know from life in general that A's do happen...moreso than not, it is always a possiblity...so please take some responsibility and loose the hatred and anger, as it is quite unbecoming in the manor in which it is being used.

 

I HATE to see anyone hurting, no matter what side of the fence this is. Hurt is hurt isn't it? We have all hurt someone at sometime in our lives, nobody is perfect.

 

How can we really judge anothers situation, and is it up to us to do that?

 

These are things that I've wanted to communicate and I apologise for the tj.

 

I think it's great to give advice in a gentle, kind way that hey this may not be the best thing for whoever in whatever sitch...jennies statement just really broke my heart...and I bet there are many that have not posted due to this...and BTW, IWWH made a profound statement that an OW she or someone else knew committed suicide...what if an OW/OM didn't post or did and wasn't supported (in whatever support was needed) and took their life....I know everyone on all sides of the fence would be hit hard...we need to think of these things when speaking...

Edited May 19, 2010 by pureinheart

[Hazyhead]

Oxford - it's a good thing that you are refusing to settle for more than you want. Have you said this to him before though? He isn't showing you the respect that you deserve; he's not showing anybody that respect. Maybe you have to accept that if he isn't going to go through with it this time it's time to let him go. What sticks out to me, is your apparent stress level; this situation is not good for you. I know you love him but he is pulling you down. Don't sink any further.

[awkward]

Tired of excuses and making it easy for him all the time. If he wants me --find me-call me-I am not doing it anymore.

 

This is a good attitude. Make a list of the bare minimum that will keep you a happy other woman. If he can't meet those needs, let him go.

 

If you want more than to be the other woman then my advice is to move on now. If he ever decides to leave he knows how to find you.

 

Our time on this Earth is too short to put up with someone treating us badly.