ConflictedGuy27 Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I was inspired to write this update about my situation by Lostit2010, actually. If you haven’t followed her (Lostit2010’s) story, boy, its one that really goes to show how much self inflicted pain BS’s can deal themselves dealing with their unapologetic WS. It’s a tough one to read, so I figured I would provide my update which is really a happy work in progress. The point of this update is to illustrate that single life after a D can be BETTER than being married to an unrepentant WS – it is a choice though. Those of you that followed my story may remember that I found out, in January of this year, that my now ex wife (legally she’s my STBX, because in my State there’s a 6 month waiting period before your status reverts to single) was having an affair (emotional, which quickly turned physical) with a coworker. I picked up on the signs that something wasn’t right, I snooped around, found the proof, confronted her, and she left me and our home for weeks at a time (would come back on weekends to do laundry and get more clothes) to be off with her boy friend. We have no children and we’re both in our late twenties. As many BS’s do, I tried my ass off to get this woman back. I went into hyper drive reading every book/article I could get my hands on. I even went so far as to neglect my professional duties to learn more about how I could get my W back. Eventually, my ex left me with no other alternative and I divorced her wayward ass full throttle (EVEN THOUGH I DIDN’T WANT TO AT THE TIME). All this can be read in my original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=223103 So as of today, it is almost my one month anniversary having moved into my new place in the city, away from my ex. The divorce papers are done and filed; by court order my ex has to pay me several hundred dollars monthly (for my interest in our old condo); and me and her have no other ties or reason to communicate. Being able to live life with full on No Contact is a very powerful thing. I often compare the feeling of finally being freed from the business of D to what I call my "wheat field analogy": Imagine standing in the center of a vast field of tall golden wheat, the sun is out and it’s beautiful; however, its very solitary (as you’re the only one in the field). Way off in the distance, in each direction (north, south, east and west) you see individually unique looking places that look well worth exploring. Which way do you go? Where do you head? How do you get there? Should you just stay put in the field? This is what my life seems like now – there are options all over and they’re all up to me. At first I was just standing in the field admiring the cities from a distance. But once you start running towards a destination full steam, leaving behind what was and moving toward a new goal (or set of goals) a very beautiful thing begins to happen. I’ve met people who want to expand their social horizons and do some of the things I like to do; and vise versa. Some of my buddies have shared their hobbies with me and as a result I’ve developed new ones I would have never tried. I’ve noticed that by picking a direction, and filling your schedule with things you either enjoy doing, or just wanted to learn or try, you find people with similar interests that are moving towards the same goals as you. As a result new friendships are made and romantic prospects just organically show up. There’s nothing cooler than finding a new group of people to hang with that enjoy similar things – at times I would completely forget that I was ever even married, let alone the pain I felt during the break up with my ex. I was so into what I was doing at the time, so focused that there was nothing but that moment. At this point I’m replicating the little success I’ve had by taking on new sports and training to compete. Tennis is my best sport, but I never competed at all. I joined a tennis club, I joined a pool league (mostly to meet women, lol), and I casually play regular golf and now disc golf (which is a blast if you’ve never tried it). I don’t talk about my ex at all to people. When I do, I just refer to her as "a girl I used to know" cause that’s literally all she is now – a foolish girl I used to know... I went on two "lets get to know each other a little better over coffee" type "dates" and they were good. I haven’t found a match, nor am I looking really. At this point, I miss being able to impress myself and my peers. I want to see what I’m capable of and I want to make new friends with people that want the same – people with a carpe diem kind of attitude. As I do these things, I notice in my solitude that I think less and less about the past and more about the future – i.e. those things I’d like to do again, or what I’m going to say to one of my new tennis buddies next time we meet, or if any cute girls will want to play a few matches. It’s great how we betrayed spouses can reach a point where it’s not about the past anymore – instead, it’s about the future and how to make it more stable, fun and just more rewarding in general. From time to time I’ll think about my ex and wonder what her world is like, but I usually get off that subject in my mind as quick as I can. Frankly it doesn’t matter and it’s all speculation anyway. I did hear however, through a mutual friend, that she was looking for a room mate at our old condo. The refi she put herself through made her payments go up, I suppose. I do know for a fact that her choices have caused her to spread herself pretty thin financially; I hope her boy friend enjoys paying for everything, cause she’ll be a bit strapped for cash for awhile. Many of the people advising me during the divorce, including LS posters, my independent counselor and my father, told me (at one point or another) that this D may be a blessing in disguise... I believe it may have been just that; or at least I’m beginning to appreciate the possibility. Now that I seem to be transitioning into the next phase of my life, I think sometimes that this transition is maybe what my ex wanted more of in our marriage. She would say she was bored and that we "never do stuff." Perhaps she wasn’t all wrong about that. But that’s neither here nor there, because even if it was the case, having an affair wasn’t the correct thing to do. BS’s that have made the choice to move on, this is what seems to be working well for me so far: Reconnect with old friends and if you can join in their hobbies; Make new friends by joining new clubs, classes and/or sports; Compete in a way that demonstrates how much worth you have; Keep your schedule filled with a mix of professional or recreational/social stuff to do; Set some new short term goals and go for them; Get out there and socialize, a lot; and Enjoy your time alone. Because when your schedule’s full, alone does not mean you’re lonely. Cheers.
Darth Vader Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Beautiful! Almost sexy on some level, not that level! Anyway, you ditched the HEX- I mean the Ex! Oh, I almost forgot, your Ex-Hex may be wanting you again, trying to call you, contact you, BooHoo I miss you, love you, hurt you, need/want you back! Yeah RIGHT! Don't you dare take her calls!, ignor her E-Mails, heck, I'd block her altogether!
jane-mary Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 congrats, your story is very inspiring and you sound like a guy women would love. Good for you, your stbxw will regret this, mark my words:D
whatcanidonow2 Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 An inspiring post #27 - good to share with the rest of the community. Makes me feel positive about any possible failure of my M reconciliation plans.
Darth Vader Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Like I just said in your other Thread, If she does ever "get it" your wife has your furniture there with her to remind her what she threw away! That will be priceless! Stay NC!
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 I'm so proud of you! Thanks, JT. It was one hell of an emotional roller coaster. Thanks again for all of your support.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 Beautiful! Almost sexy on some level, not that level! Anyway, you ditched the HEX- I mean the Ex! Oh, I almost forgot, your Ex-Hex may be wanting you again, trying to call you, contact you, BooHoo I miss you, love you, hurt you, need/want you back! Yeah RIGHT! Don't you dare take her calls!, ignor her E-Mails, heck, I'd block her altogether! You may be right about my Ex-Hex coming back. My Dad warned me about such a thing being almost text book relationship stuff. I don't take her calls. She's called maybe twice since I moved out, for trivial BS like helping her with something computer related. I got a bit worried last week cause she came by my job to "bring my mail" which was totally junk mail (I.e. car insurance offers), and she was peeking in my car. My boss & I were watching through his office window. My hope is she didn't see the parking permit on my dash - it had the name of my residence on it. Shouldn't be an issue though.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 congrats, your story is very inspiring and you sound like a guy women would love. Good for you, your stbxw will regret this, mark my words:D Thanks, Jane. I appreciate the kind words. Whether my ex regrets it or not doesn't matter much to me; not anymore atleast. I'm just lucky this all went down before we had any kids. Talk about dodging a bullet.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 An inspiring post #27 - good to share with the rest of the community. Makes me feel positive about any possible failure of my M reconciliation plans. I don't know your story, but let me just say that I'm no advocate for divorcing, and kudos to u and your W for giving recon a shot. Good luck with that. My update isn't meant to discourage anyone from trying to recon. But sometimes our spouses just won't quit and you've gotta do what you've gotta do. Again, good luck with reconciling.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 Good work, guy! Don't forget 2 give yourself plenty of time before getting in2 another relationship! -ol' 2long As usual, thanks for the Sage advise 2long. I don't have anybody in mind or that I've met yet to start up a relationship, but if a girl I like does show interest and it leads somewhere, my counselor said to give her a call. I'll likely take my IC up on that offer before I officially do the girl friend thing.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 Like I just said in your other Thread, If she does ever "get it" your wife has your furniture there with her to remind her what she threw away! That will be priceless! Stay NC! That's one reason why I sold her my furniture. She's got plenty of stuff to remind her how she f*cked up & not just furniture, I left my wedding band behind and all our photo albums - all hers!! I don't need any of that garbage where I'm headed.
Darth Vader Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 That's one reason why I sold her my furniture. She's got plenty of stuff to remind her how she f*cked up & not just furniture, I left my wedding band behind and all our photo albums - all hers!! I don't need any of that garbage where I'm headed. YOU DIRTY DOG YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Better than I would've thought! GOOD ONE!!!!!!!!!
bentnotbroken Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I found out the some of the same things you did in finding life after infidelity. I not only found out who I was, but the possibilities of who I can be.
bentnotbroken Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 That's one reason why I sold her my furniture. She's got plenty of stuff to remind her how she f*cked up & not just furniture, I left my wedding band behind and all our photo albums - all hers!! I don't need any of that garbage where I'm headed. :lmao::lmao:Now that's priceless.
Lovelybird Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Conflictedguy, good for you ! Life has much more to offer you, a fulfilling life should be the life we all live
Jilly Bean Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 OP, I don't know your whole history, but your post is simply lovely. You sound so grounded and healthy. And I think in time you will realize you did the right thing, even if she WAS repentent. IMO, no one should ever stay with a cheater. I have no doubt you will go on to have the most beautiful life imaginable. Bright blessings.
whguy Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 That's one reason why I sold her my furniture. She's got plenty of stuff to remind her how she f*cked up & not just furniture, I left my wedding band behind and all our photo albums - all hers!! I don't need any of that garbage where I'm headed. I pretty much did the same thing. Took what I needed, although I took my band to one of those cash for gold places. Very symbolic - if she thought our marriage was worthless, at least I can symbolically melt it down for a C-note I had to pay a good amount of money for new furnishings, but well worth it. It truly is a fresh start with absolutely no reminders of her.
stillafool Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 CG I am so proud of you also. Isn't it wonderful when you can let go of the past and move on with your life. So many people let fear keep them in a horrible situation but if they would only let go they will find that life will open up to you in enormous ways. I just wish more people would just let go of their "cheater" and trust that there is so much more out there for them. More good luck to you. As far as your wife (maybe) being right about you guys needing to do more. I think she was just using that as an excuse for her cheating. How hard is it to wake up on a weekend and say, "honey let's do_________today". Too easy and certainly no excuse to cheat.
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