Maya-Mia Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 [FONT=Calibri]So here is my issue. Just want to “talk” it out here on the message boards to get some advice and feedback. I think I have already answered some of my own questions, but here goes[/FONT] [FONT=Calibri]Background:[/FONT] [FONT=Calibri]I’m 36 and my husband is 49. I met him at 18, together 2 years and then we had our son, got married 6 years later and then had our daughter. He was very attentive and affectionate to me in the beginning, I was a college student focused on my studies and very driven. He provided the one thing that I thought I needed from a man, emotional security. I always felt that I didn’t need a man to give me money; I was never the kind of woman who needed a man to feel complete. But he did show me a lot of affection and love and I felt good to know that I didn’t have to go through all of the boyfriend drama that friends my age were going through with their younger boyfriends. [/FONT] [FONT=Calibri]Once I got pregnant, we started living together like a married couple, though the wedding didn’t come until a few years later. I believe, today, that I was never in love with him the way a man and woman should be, but I did make the conscious decision to stay together and make it work since we now shared a child. He had proposed marriage a few times over the years but I had said no because I was focused on grad school and that I didn’t feel ready for that kind of commitment (I know it sounds crazy since we were living together and shared a child) I had always kept my feeling to myself, though he knew the feelings weren’t there because our sex life has been lacking since 1998. Problem is he’s ok with me not participating or even enjoying it and I just let things happen so I can get to sleep faster. Twisted, I know.[/FONT] [FONT=Calibri]Eventually, I decided that we might as well do it, and so I finally agreed and we got married 8 years into our relationship. Our daughter came soon after. At this point, I felt like my fate was sealed and I would make any sacrifices needed for the good of the family. There have been good times and bad times, like any other marriage. [/FONT] [FONT=Calibri]Problems really started when we had to move for my job from one state to another in 2002. In the new state he wasn’t able to find a job comparable to what he had left so he decided to give college another try to become better qualified. Now, he first started college in 1997, one year after I had already graduated, and has since gone off and on, switched schools 5x and majors 4x from that time until now. He still hasn’t earned enough credits for a 2year degree! So of course, he still can’t find a job that he would be proud to have. He says he can’t work for $8 per hour and he just chooses not to work at all. He hasn’t had a real job since 2002. Instead of working on himself to become more marketable, he just blames me and my job for moving him out of state and leaving his previous job. It’s been 8 years. How long am I supposed to take the blame? You would think this means he takes care of the home and the kids. Nope. He spends more time smoking and drinking during the day. There was even a time last year when he would go to the casino alone and spend$400 on a weekday afternoon.[/FONT] [FONT=Calibri]Last fall, when he dropped out of school, yet again and he was drinking and gambling more. I had had enough. We had a big blowout and I told him I was through. Because I was only staying for the kids anyway and he was messing up big time and not even that involved with the kids. He said he was sorry and would do better but he did nothing. It wasn’t until I told him that I wouldn’t have sex with him anymore, did he really see how serious I was and started talking about changing. We’ve been to a marriage counselor in Jan and Feb and at the end of it all she said she didn’t see why were still together and that we were only fooling ourselves. When he heard this, he refused to go back to her. We have a new counselor that says pretty much the same thing. In January he enrolled in a real estate course and completed it in April. He failed the license exam once already and is scheduled to retake it this week. He didn’t study for it like he was supposed to the first time and failed and still isn’t studying for the 2nd time. Now at this point a lot of people would say, “What are you staying around for?”[/FONT] [FONT=Calibri]This is where it gets dicey. Through all the years we’ve been together he has always been an affectionate, touchy-feely type of guy. Guess that’s what roped me in the beginning. If we argue from 9am to 5pm and then are intimate that night, all of our discussions go out the window. I think he uses intimacy, hugs and kisses to fix problems. I have never been the kind of woman who craved that much physical touching. Of course, I want to know that my partner loves me, but I really value, companionship, intelligence, mental and emotional strength. Anyone on the outside looking in would think we are the perfect couple, but those in the know, mostly his own family knows better. They know about his smoking and drinking problem and being out of work for years. His parents have asked him to be better with our kids and his dad encouraged him to get work. He always has some excuse of no one will hire a 49yr old man with no college degree and no real work experience. [/FONT] [FONT=Calibri]So now that he knows how serious I am and how our marriage is hanging by a thread, his approach has been to kill me with kindness. His hugging and kissing has been amplified, he went all out for Mother’s day, etc. The problem for me is that none of this change how I feel, nor does it fix the problem of his lack of responsibility, drive and ambition. It doesn’t improve his relationship with his kids. But what it does is makes me feel guilty for being honest and being a realist. How can I be mean to him if he offers to make me breakfast and wash my car? I can’t. But I’m still upset that he won’t contribute to the household and family dynamic monetarily or not. [/FONT] [FONT=Calibri]We have discussed divorce and his opinion will change like the weather. Most days he says he loves me and could never live without me, even mentioned suicide, off-handedly if I ever left him. Now I’m definitely feeling more and more like he’s manipulating me. Other days, he says he gets it and is willing to leave (this usually comes after me refusing to have sex). He even told me to get a lawyer if I don’t want to have sex, then we shouldn’t be married.[/FONT] [FONT=Calibri]Sooooooo, I’ve made the mental decision that I’m done but I don’t want to leave him with nothing. So I’m kinda waiting on him to pass his real estate license exam and then give him a few months after that to get a job and get on his feet. Though I feel like our marriage is dead, I don’t dislike him and only want the best for him. We have been together for a long time so I feel like I owe him this much. I do carry a lot of guilt. I’ve told him this and he says he knows my feelings but by the same token he still wants to be touchy feely (even more than usual) and make plans for how we will use our basement (which is under construction) in the next few years. I don’t get him. He’s even said he is going back to our original state to get his old job back (from 2002) just to leave me alone, but then he makes plans for our house and garden for the next 2 years. Is it that he doesn’t hear me or is this some mastermind tactic? [/FONT] [FONT=Calibri]My question is, should I be firmer with him? Maybe I could move into our guest room? It seems he doesn’t respond to my words, only my actions. Those are the only times when I think he gets it. I don’t want to be mean and cold with him, but I feel like he forces me to that limit. Our counselor says I shouldn’t take on responsibility of taking care of him when he doesn’t even do anything to take care of himself. It’s just hard for me to be so mean and cold to him, but I’m starting to feel like its necessary or I’ll be stuck in this limbo forever. [/FONT] [FONT=Calibri]I’ll take any advice or insight you guys can offer.[/FONT] [FONT=Calibri]M. [/FONT]
Gunny376 Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 You should do himself and yourself a favor ~ LEAVE HIM! This isn't 1940. Your the primary bread earner and the one that's bringing home the bacon. Meanwhile he's sitting around his sorry @zz making excuses about finding a good and decent job. I work in a lab and I worked a lot crappy Jobs before finding the one I've have ~ which is sweet~ low stress, no stress job, bosses and co-workers. Your problem is that that your still thinking in June Harden ( Leave it To Beaver) mode, Guess what? You need this guy like a fish needs a bycycle
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