Lisa_thewife Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I have posted on LS for a few years but have created a new profile for this topic - just because I may get crucified by a few of you. Mid 30's - married to a wonderful husband for 10 years. Second for us both. Very much in love. I had a couple of years of low libido due to stress and the pill. Last 3+ years have been sexual bliss - have had many adventures including some swinging, 3somes and 4somes - and things have been near perfect. For about 6 months he pushed me to indulge in a fantasy of his which involved me seducing a young hot stud on my own. Not a threesome - just me coming home and sharing my adventure with my husband. Almost like a cuckold but without the humiliation aspects. The more I thought about it the more I liked the idea. So I finally went through with it - had a great experience and my husband also very much enjoyed hearing about it. It was to be a one time thing which we both agreed would be best. He's very Alpha and he made it very clear it was a one time thing. The problem is that I have discovered I have a new fetish - young hot guys lol. Much to my husbands delight I am now wearing much more revealing outfits and my libido is through the roof. But I feel guilty as I'm not really doing it for him - I'm hoping for more attention from other men. And the thoughts I have are what's driving my libido. Part of me is thinking that he somewhat brought this upon us but part of me feels guilty. I have not done anything behind his back but the thoughts I am having are definitely off-limits. I love our life together and I don't want things to ever go back the way they were before our adventures began - so how do I tell him about my desire to indulge in my fetish without screwing it all up? We can't really help our fetishes but I know some do have to stay in fantasyland. Should this be fantasyland for me? Go easy on me - I know this is out there for some of you.
2sure Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 A lot of people do it. If you and your H were OK with it, certainly its something you could continue to persue. Maybe your H enjoyed it so much , he will be comfortable enough to do it again. It sounds like you have a very open marriage, why not ask him?
FarmGirl Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 To me this is like eating at Taco Bell for ages & then someone treats you to a perfectly aged, perfectly cooked steak. Now Taco Bell is so *boring*... ;o) While I can't relate or even understand this type of relationship...I can say that if you start lying to the H you're in for a world of hurt. 2 choices - a) no more hot guys b) get H to say yes to more hot guys I would say I'm sorry for you...but lol I think *jealous* might be a more appropriate word hehe Good luck
monkeywithagun Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 just dont lie to him. Talk to him about it and see what you can come up with. but just.. think about it.. no young hot guy is worth ruining your beautiful marriage over. and yes I am super jealous.
xxoo Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Part of me is thinking that he somewhat brought this upon us but part of me feels guilty. I have not done anything behind his back but the thoughts I am having are definitely off-limits. Both you and your H had a hand in opening the door to this issue. Do NOT feel guilty about thoughts! As long as they stay thoughts/fantasies, you are doing nothing wrong. If you are open enough to have the sexual lifestyle you are living together, you need to be open enough to talk about any/all issues that come up--including lustful thoughts for hot, young men. Talk to your H. Maybe he'll be open to more experimenting. Or, if not, maybe he'll be at least be open to hearing your fantasies. Sharing fantasies together can give them an outlet and take the "edge" off, making them less urgent.
crazycatlady Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Talk to your H. That's the type of marriage you have, you talk about it. Open is open, he's not going to be mad at you for your fantasies. He might not let you go out and do it again, but that doesn't mean he and you couldn't bring it into the bedroom mentally either. I can think of several ways to bring it into the bedroom without actually adding a second person, especially if he is Alpha in bed as well as out (not all men are). Also just because hot young studs turn you on doesn't mean you want to keep them. You just want to boink them. I personally am not all that into men older or even our age really - sorry its a fantasy to live out, I'm going to pick a young stud if I go for an extra guy. Plus i think it was also the seduction aspect that pleased you. Your H is into you...you know he's into you....but to attract a young stud you gotta have that something special...to be hot. That I think is the appeal of it for you. But just talk to him about it. CCL
SarahRose Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Are you saying that the swinging etc has mostly been for his benefit and now you want to do your thing you are afraid to tell him about your desires?
Lizzie60 Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I agree with Sarah.. if this openess about sex was HIS idea... now that you want YOUR OWN stuff.. he wouldn't want to.. talk about a selfish sob... go ahead...it's your turn to have it YOUR way..
jmargel Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I find this pretty hypercritical of some of these women on here. If it was the other way around, the guy would be a selfish jerk who doesn't deserve such a loving and trusting wife. Swinging between a couple takes the ultimate trust. You are taking the one thing that a couple shares and comparmentlizing it by making it 'just sex'. You take a risk by devaluing what the reason why a couple has sex with each other by sharing this with outside people. So, on top of that you continue to push this envelope when he mentioned this is a one time thing because he understands the chances of what this could do to the marriage and it's something he does not want to risk. However you continue to hide on what you want, it's not just 'thoughts' you are actively trying to pursue this by the outfits you are wearing. And women on here don't believe this to be an issue? In other words some of these women who replied on here believe it's ok for you to cheat because he's the one who initially got the idea into your head. Honestly, grow up. It's obvious that this is something you cannot handle. Yes I can understand it's an ego boost but what you are doing is playing with fire. When he finds out, he will divorce. One of the guys you hook up with may not be mentally stable and the drama, the soap operas begin. You also risk yourself and your husband's health by pushing forward with this. You are destroying what the swinging community is about. There are a few forums devoted to this and if you were to post this in there, all of them would tell you to get out of the swinging part because you are not strong enough to put limits on it. The thing with swinging, the MOST important aspect of it, is respect for your partner. If your partner is uncomfortable at ANY point, doesn't matter how far you are into the other person, then it STOPS. Period. No questions asked. Nothing good can come out of what you are doing.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I agree with Sarah.. if this openess about sex was HIS idea... now that you want YOUR OWN stuff.. he wouldn't want to.. talk about a selfish sob... go ahead...it's your turn to have it YOUR way.. Lizzie60??? Knew this post would get you to respond.... Like the bat signal.... Probably right.... He opened the door more then a crack and you busted right through it. Always reminds me of the O Henry story or Twilight Zone episode (?), where a man bought a love potion for $5 and gave it to the woman of his desires and she fell absolutely, utterly in love with him to the point where he couldn't stand her. The poison he had to buy cost $10,000..... Just another way of saying "be careful what you wish for"....
Eeyore79 Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I'm surprised so many people (women?) are actually jealous. If I'm totally in love with my partner, I don't want anyone else, and don't want him to be with anyone else. I'll never understand why some people feel differently, because it's just anathema to me. I think it's because I cannot separate love and sex, and therefore I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who I didn't love. OP; if you choose to continue to have sex outside your marriage, you should do it with your husband's consent, or (worst case scenario) separate from him if you want to have sex with other men and your husband doesn't condone it. If he can't be persuaded to agree, you'll have to choose between your marriage with your husband and sex with other men.
Author Lisa_thewife Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 Thanks you for all the replies and opinions. Ultimately I know the key is that i have to talk to him about it - communicate - duh. I know I am over thinking this - typical for me - but I have so much guilt over my thoughts and feelings. I love him like no other and our sex is incredible. The young guy was not better sex - just so different and so new - I guess it was so much better than I had thought it would be. 3somes and 4somes are really fun but as my husband is there I don't get to unleash like I did when it was just the two of us. Not that I hold back during 3somes etc - it's just I can be a better partner when I'm one on one. For example my young lover had the best body - 6pak abs - i was able to totally emerse myself in his body without worrying my hubby would get his feelings hurt - not that he would or ever does - but.....being able to say things like - OMG ur the best **** I've ever had - adds to the excitement for both of us. I am going to talk to him tonight. i do need to grow up - I'm just used to being in sync with my husband - and this is so about just me - but I really hope he will understand. Thanks again
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 (edited) and good luck..... Not that I'd ever get in this situation, but I'd be devastated, regardless of how the message is conveyed..... I also hope he doesn't see this site and realize how you "really" feel... Geez your last post is such a contradiction as you say you want to be allowed to let yourself go even further, with younger guys with better bodies then you H, and eventually will (though you don't say it) find better sex. No male can be 100% ok with this. BTW... Do you have kids???? Edited May 18, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic
rewe4reel Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Your marriage is over. Hope the wild sex was worth it.
Author Lisa_thewife Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 and good luck..... Not that I'd ever get in this situation, but I'd be devastated, regardless of how the message is conveyed..... I also hope he doesn't see this site and realize how you "really" feel... Geez your last post is such a contradiction as you say you want to be allowed to let yourself go even further, with younger guys with better bodies then you H, and eventually will (though you don't say it) find better sex. No male can be 100% ok with this. BTW... Do you have kids???? Try to understand that my husband and I are able to seperate love and sex. Obviously not many couples can or try or want to do this. But some do. I guess my concern is ultimately whether or not I should share my fetish with my husband or not. I am going to and will see what happens. I do get myself worked up over somethings in this lifestyle but I think its better to over-think things than under-think! Yes - we have 4 children.
Author Lisa_thewife Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 Your marriage is over. Hope the wild sex was worth it. Why do you say this? Do you have some insight you would like to share? We know more swingers with successful, strong, lengthy marriages going on decades, than we do regular couples. From what we have read the divorce rate amongst swingers and open marriages is lower than the US average. Our two favorite couples from a local club are all in their late 50's and have been doing what they do for 20+ years. They have full blown open marriages and are some of the happiest people we have ever known. Do you have experiences to the contrary or is it just your opinion based on how you feel about what we do? Just curious where you are coming form with your comments.
stillafool Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Why is this okay? Lisa_thewife;2796552] For about 6 months he pushed me to indulge in a fantasy of his which involved me seducing a young hot stud on my own. Not a threesome - just me coming home and sharing my adventure with my husband. Almost like a cuckold but without the humiliation aspects. The more I thought about it the more I liked the idea. So I finally went through with it - had a great experience and my husband also very much enjoyed hearing about it. But not this? I love our life together and I don't want things to ever go back the way they were before our adventures began - so how do I tell him about my desire to indulge in my fetish without screwing it all up? If your H can make a request for you to sleep with other men and then tell him about it why is it you don't have the same freedom to talk about and act upon your fantasies?
Els Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Those of you judging the OP for the lifestyle she and her husband chose seriously need to get the stick outta your asses. Hers is a relationship in which sex is, within the bounds agreed upon, open to more than just their partner. It was apparently a mutual agreement. Either respond to her situation at hand or just don't bother. Geez. OP - I agree that you should talk to him about it instead of hiding it. However, do bear in mind when you do, that both you and he agreed in the beginning that the young stud should just be a one-off thing. Thus it wouldn't necessarily be 'unfair' of him to say he isn't comfortable with more.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Try to understand that my husband and I are able to seperate love and sex. Obviously not many couples can or try or want to do this. But some do. I guess my concern is ultimately whether or not I should share my fetish with my husband or not. I am going to and will see what happens. I do get myself worked up over somethings in this lifestyle but I think its better to over-think things than under-think! Yes - we have 4 children. I'm sure there are couples for whom it works, however you are already showing in your posts that there are cracks. While I do love to judge, I will not here, but do think this is a very slippery slope as you have admitted that there are cracks where you want to go outside the rules and have 1 on 1 encounters. But as said to each his/her own....
stillafool Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 (edited) I'm surprised so many people (women?) are actually jealous. If I'm totally in love with my partner, I don't want anyone else, and don't want him to be with anyone else. I'll never understand why some people feel differently, because it's just anathema to me. I think it's because I cannot separate love and sex, and therefore I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who I didn't love. OP; if you choose to continue to have sex outside your marriage, you should do it with your husband's consent, or (worst case scenario) separate from him if you want to have sex with other men and your husband doesn't condone it. If he can't be persuaded to agree, you'll have to choose between your marriage with your husband and sex with other men. I agree with you that I only want my H and me to have sex with each other. I would not want to share myself with another man and if my H wanted me to I would think he didn't love me. But, this is my marriage and that is theirs. If they have agreed and can accept it I can not judge them. However, I would like to ask Lisa theWife, why would it be okay for your h to carry out his fantasy but not okay for you to carry out yours? That seems a bit one sided to me. Edited May 18, 2010 by stillafool
xxoo Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 We know more swingers with successful, strong, lengthy marriages going on decades, than we do regular couples. From what we have read the divorce rate amongst swingers and open marriages is lower than the US average. I am open minded about open marriages (for other people's marriages...not mine!). But the success of an open marriage depends heavily on lots and lots of honest communication. It does seem to be a red flag that you are having this lifestyle, but unable to talk to him about your fantasy. However, I would like to ask Lisa theWife, why would it be okay for your h to carry out his fantasy but not okay for you to carry out yours? That seems a bit one sided to me. IMO, it is ok for either partner to say, "sorry, I'm not comfortable with that. What other way can we explore that fantasy?" It isn't really a case of: I did this for you, and now you owe me. What is one sided is him "pushing" his fantasy for 6 months, and her being anxious about even speaking hers....
crazycatlady Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I am open minded about open marriages (for other people's marriages...not mine!). But the success of an open marriage depends heavily on lots and lots of honest communication. It does seem to be a red flag that you are having this lifestyle, but unable to talk to him about your fantasy. IMO, it is ok for either partner to say, "sorry, I'm not comfortable with that. What other way can we explore that fantasy?" It isn't really a case of: I did this for you, and now you owe me. What is one sided is him "pushing" his fantasy for 6 months, and her being anxious about even speaking hers.... I have an open marriage and agree with XXOO. **** this is not related to the post I quoted but to most everything else**** However in Lisa's defense (not that you need it Lisa) it can be a little nervous to talk about something like this when its come up. She doesn't want to hurt her H but at the same time, wants to share it. Never did I get the feeling she would cheat if he said no he couldn't stand it. Actually I love how you put it, XXOO, on how he will most likely respond. But when you are new, or discover something new about yourself, there is some nervousness to opening up about it. And you know what, I don't think Lisa will find someone who is a totally better sex partner then her H. Because emotions, feelings, history, etc is built into her relationship with her H. That's why and how open marriages can last and last well. Lisa - I know many swingers who don't do seperate encounters. There a are a lot of them who aren't comfortable with that happening. My H however feels similarly to how you do about it. There is something fun about it being one on one. My pleasure is him there, so its rare that I do any one on one. But I don't feel there is a risk to allowing him to do it when he feels like it. I always know about it and he wouldn't do it if I minded him going. I bet though your talk will go better then you think. CCL
rewe4reel Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Why do you say this? Do you have some insight you would like to share? You are keeping secrets from your husband related to sexual matters. We know more swingers with successful, strong, lengthy marriages going on decades, than we do regular couples. From what we have read the divorce rate amongst swingers and open marriages is lower than the US average. What does this have to do with your own marriage? Nothing. Our two favorite couples from a local club are all in their late 50's and have been doing what they do for 20+ years. They have full blown open marriages and are some of the happiest people we have ever known. Nonsense. These are people you have sex with from time to time. All you know about them, really, is that they like to have sex with people outside of their marriage, and while doing so, they wear a jolly mask. Do you have experiences to the contrary or is it just your opinion based on how you feel about what we do? Straw man much? When did I express a feeling about "what you do" which I guess means "swinging"? The bottom line is that if your relationship with your spouse was all that important to you in the first place you wouldn't make extramarital sex a focal point of your life. I guess in a way this is true of all "swingers." (What a phrase/euphemism.) You're dissatisfied sexually, and you're afraid to tell your husband about it. Because what you want to tell your husband is that you want to have sex with young hot studs, and you know he'll resent it--he'll get jealous. And you don't really feel that's appropriate because, after all, he lets you have sex with lots of other men; what difference does it make if you have additional sex with some more other men that you like better? You're right. It doesn't make any difference. You can call it what you want--swinging, open marriage, or whatever euphemism you choose--but what it actually is a relationship in which part of that relationship is having sex with other people. But when you share that kind of intimacy with other people, you detract from your primary relationship. Have enough sex with enough other people for long enough and there's no primary relationship left. The fact that you might still be legally married is not particularly relevant, plenty of people are married but unhappy, having affairs. Just curious where you are coming form with your comments. Let me ask you something: If your husband suddenly said to you "I don't want to swing anymore. We have to be completely monogamous." Would you be happy? If not, then you have no marriage worth keeping.
Author Lisa_thewife Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 You are keeping secrets from your husband related to sexual matters. . In my head! - pretty sure it's normal for most people to have thoughts that they don't share with their SO. What does this have to do with your own marriage? Nothing.. Your first post was pretty blunt without much info - just trying to share what I know about relationships like mine. . The bottom line is that if your relationship with your spouse was all that important to you in the first place you wouldn't make extramarital sex a focal point of your life. I guess in a way this is true of all "swingers." (What a phrase/euphemism.) . It's not a focal point - its a fun activity/hobby - get off your high horse. You're dissatisfied sexually, and you're afraid to tell your husband about it. Because what you want to tell your husband is that you want to have sex with young hot studs, and you know he'll resent it--he'll get jealous. And you don't really feel that's appropriate because, after all, he lets you have sex with lots of other men; what difference does it make if you have additional sex with some more other men that you like better?. Dissatisfied?? - okay now I just have to say it - your an idiot. Let me ask you something: If your husband suddenly said to you "I don't want to swing anymore. We have to be completely monogamous." Would you be happy? . Yes completely - and the same is true for him. Thats how this works. Only way it works Lets face it you just don't get it. And thats cool. But I'm done with you.
rewe4reel Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 In my head! - pretty sure it's normal for most people to have thoughts that they don't share with their SO. What's the point of being in an "open" marriage if you can't do what you really want to, sexually speaking; and if you don't feel free enough to even be able to discuss it with your spouse? Your first post was pretty blunt without much info - just trying to share what I know about relationships like mine. You were quoting irrelevant statistics because you did not specify that the "open" marriages you were talking about included people who were afraid to tell their spouses what they really wanted from the relationship. It's not a focal point - its a fun activity/hobby - get off your high horse. I'm not on a high horse. If it's just a fun activity/hobby then what difference does it make? Why are you afraid to tell your husband what you really want? Just forget about it. Problem solved. Dissatisfied?? - okay now I just have to say it - your an idiot. If you're "satisfied" then you wouldn't have posted what you posted. You're obviously dissatisfied, your preference is to have the freedom to have sex with people that you believe would be unacceptable for your husband's view of the relationship. Why does that make me an idiot? Yes completely - and the same is true for him. Thats how this works. Only way it works OK what were you responding to was my question: "If your husband suddenly decided the marriage should be completely monogamous would you be happy with that?" I didn't ask if your husband would be happy with a monogamous relationship, however, you included that in your answer. Since however you offer that BOTH you and your husband would be happy if your marriage was closed/monogamous rather than open, then the solution to your problem is simple: Close your marriage. Become monogamous. Both you and your husband would be totally happy with a completely monogamous relationship in which you only have sex with each other. That's an easy solution and if what you're saying is true all you need to do is go to your husband and say "I don't think we should swing anymore." Lets face it you just don't get it. And thats cool. But I'm done with you. No, I get it pretty well I think. You want to have sex with people that you know your husband won't agree to. Therefore you're sexually frustrated and unhappy, and you don't think it's logical or fair because you're already in a non-monogamous, swinging relationship, so the boundary lines as to which men you can and cannot have sex with are more or less completely artificial. You can't be sexually "free" and "not free" at the same time. Your relationship is no more "open" than any one else's, in that you can only have sex with people that your spouse agrees to. For a monogamous couple that would be restricted to each other only, and since you have stated that complete monogamy would make both you and your husband completely happy, the solution is to close your marriage.
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