Engadget Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Now I'm usually pretty direct, and I just say what I mean. In this case there's a girl I've been hanging out with, and given pretty direct hints that I wanted to remain friends, but I don't think she's gotten the message. In fact I'm not sure she ever gets turned down, so she probably doesn't fully understand. She's attractive, and she's made it clear she's attracted to me. However I like hanging out with her, and honestly don't want to screw things up by introducing sex or feelings to the mix. What's the best way to let her down easy? Trust me, it's not an easy decision to make either since I do find her attractive. I just don't want to hurt her feelings, or screw it up by actually doing something with her.
carhill Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Well let's see. I'll imagine for a moment that I'm a really sought-after guy and always have women approaching me. I happen to meet this one gal I really like and she blows me off, saying clearly that she isn't 'feeling it'. Am I devastated? Suicidal? Heck no. Rather, I continue to enjoy the validation and attention from all those other potentials. MM good, like a bowl of Campbell's soup on a winter day Just tell her directly that you have no romantic interest in her. 'You're a wonderful, attractive lady but I feel no romantic connection here'. Most women who've rejected me don't even bother with the 'wonderful, attractive' part. Life goes on
Author Engadget Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 Well let's see. I'll imagine for a moment that I'm a really sought-after guy and always have women approaching me. I happen to meet this one gal I really like and she blows me off, saying clearly that she isn't 'feeling it'. Am I devastated? Suicidal? Heck no. Rather, I continue to enjoy the validation and attention from all those other potentials. MM good, like a bowl of Campbell's soup on a winter day Just tell her directly that you have no romantic interest in her. 'You're a wonderful, attractive lady but I feel no romantic connection here'. Most women who've rejected me don't even bother with the 'wonderful, attractive' part. Life goes on She's a little nutty, but attractive and I've told her "You're a cool girl to hang out with" which I thought said it all, but apparently not.
carhill Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Remember Alpha's 'stalker' female who 'didn't get the message'? Clear an unambiguous is the path, IMO. His thread went 'on and on'.
ADF Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Stop trying to let her down easy. Or, more precisely, stop trying to make this as easy as possible on yourself and accept the fact she may be hurt. You're not doing anything wrong, and you don't owe it to anyone to return their affection. Just be honest.
Author Engadget Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 I talked to her friend that introduced me to her about it, trying to see if she had said anything about me. Either way yeah, going to just be friends with her. It's hard because I would have sex with her, but the cons outweigh the pros since I'm pretty positive nothing more substantial would come from it.
carhill Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 An interesting question, perhaps relevant, to consider is why men seem to be a bit ambivalent about passing up a sexual opportunity. I ask because it never occurs to me to think like that. Any insights? What does having sex with someone you'd otherwise friend-zone do for you other than pump some semen into a condom? Is it because we generally have to 'work' so hard to get laid? What?
Author Engadget Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 An interesting question, perhaps relevant, to consider is why men seem to be a bit ambivalent about passing up a sexual opportunity. I ask because it never occurs to me to think like that. Any insights? What does having sex with someone you'd otherwise friend-zone do for you other than pump some semen into a condom? Is it because we generally have to 'work' so hard to get laid? What? Well I guess it's because it's there, and it might not come around that easily the next time. Sex with a woman is preferable than masturbation if that's what you mean
carhill Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I ask because I've had female friends tell me, with such men, it was like the man was merely masturbating inside her, like she was just a warm disconnected palm. I felt this way on a couple occasions with stbx (the reverse). Unpleasant, IMO. I guess this is another aspect of compatibility. I hope stbx meets some guys like you (or perhaps your father, given her age); I'm sure she will enjoy the encounters. I imagine her partner will, too
Author Engadget Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 I ask because I've had female friends tell me, with such men, it was like the man was merely masturbating inside her, like she was just a warm disconnected palm. I felt this way on a couple occasions with stbx (the reverse). Unpleasant, IMO. I guess this is another aspect of compatibility. I hope stbx meets some guys like you (or perhaps your father, given her age); I'm sure she will enjoy the encounters. I imagine her partner will, too One night stands, or meaningless sex is essentially like masturbation with someone else. When you introduce feelings, like truly care about the person it's not even comparable to "cheap" sex. I'm not sure what you mean in your second paragraph exactly, I'm kind of confused.
carhill Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Thanks... I'm not sure what you mean in your second paragraph exactly, I'm kind of confused. Here's the quote which inspired that: Sex with a woman is preferable than masturbation if that's what you meanStbx agrees with this, meaning casual sex is preferable to masturbation. She called it 'sport-f*cking'. I disagree. We're incompatible. If you agree with her assessment, you'd be compatible in that way. No prejudice intended. We're all different. The key is in compatibility. FWIW, I've had 'offers' from both single and married ladies since being separated. It just doesn't interest me.
DreamerGirl27 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I will never understand why a guy would want to friend zone a girl he finds attractive because he doesn't want to lose her as a friend. That is basically all I am hearing. You don't want to "ruin the friendship". Why? Are you afraid of not having her around anymore? If she is that special, I would take the chance that that person could be "the one" and go for it, instead of "friend zoning" her. What if you wind up marrying her? You'll have her for the rest of your life. I have been friend zoned by a guy and I can't get over it and I have been depressed as all hell over it, too. I am incredibly picky, though. So that could be why. There is literally no other guy I am interested in ATM and there probably won't be for a very, very, lonnnggg ass time.
carhill Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I will never understand why a guy would want to friend zone a girl he finds attractive because he doesn't want to lose her as a friend. Generally, it's because he doesn't feel any current need/desire to mate with her, but thinks he might in the future, and having her 'around' feeds his ego. It's a parallel dynamic to a woman maintaining 'orbiters' who feed her emotional needs and ego. Men = sex; women = emotion. Old stuff. I can't ever remember 'friend-zoning' a woman. One, if I wasn't attracted to her I didn't pursue her. EOS. Two, I've been FZ'd so many times (the Hoovers/vampires are the worst) that I would never inflict that kind of emotional abuse/manipulation on anyone. I respect that other people operate with a different perspective and/or have differing sensitivity to abuse and manipulation. That's another aspect of compatibility. For some, FZ is no big deal, on either side. It all works out
Author Engadget Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 Generally, it's because he doesn't feel any current need/desire to mate with her, but thinks he might in the future, and having her 'around' feeds his ego. It's a parallel dynamic to a woman maintaining 'orbiters' who feed her emotional needs and ego. Men = sex; women = emotion. Old stuff. I can't ever remember 'friend-zoning' a woman. One, if I wasn't attracted to her I didn't pursue her. EOS. Two, I've been FZ'd so many times (the Hoovers/vampires are the worst) that I would never inflict that kind of emotional abuse/manipulation on anyone. I respect that other people operate with a different perspective and/or have differing sensitivity to abuse and manipulation. That's another aspect of compatibility. For some, FZ is no big deal, on either side. It all works out Well that and the fact that she's all over the place with her relationships. She seems to fall in "love" with different people month by month, and I'm not willing to be that person. If something were to happen, it would be after being friends. Jumping into bed with her now would throw everything upside down, and I'd rather be friends than have that happen. That being said she got the message, our mutual friend told me today she said we're friends, which is good. The sexual tension was palpable, and I had to do everything in my power to stop anything from happening. Even when I went to hug her as I left she looked in my eyes like I was going to kiss her, and I didn't.
Author Engadget Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 On this subject, I sort of tested her to see what she would say. She knows about the married woman that I was involved with before, and while I was supposed to go this girl's house today, I told her I might have the married woman over so I can get laid. It was deliberate, and her response was "Ouch...thanks" and then she told me to bring her with me. Jealous? I'm not quite sure.
kimbop Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Honey, it's really easy. Just pick an attractive friend of hers and say that you want to get to know her (the friend) better. Women hate competition, but she will see that you don't want her and she lost in the competition sense of things, but since you hang out with her, you're obviously her friend.
Green Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I really don't understand why you would friend zone an attractive girl unless A) she is dating/married to some one you know and like B) She has an STD C) Career/law thing D) you like some one else who you actually have a shot at or are currently married/dating
Author Engadget Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 I really don't understand why you would friend zone an attractive girl unless A) she is dating/married to some one you know and like B) She has an STD C) Career/law thing D) you like some one else who you actually have a shot at or are currently married/dating Eh, cuz some people are better to just be friends with. Especially this girl, she's a bit nutty. I enjoy hanging out with her and just being friends, as I've had good female friends before I didn't get involved with. Plus there are other women, hence why I told her about the married woman I'm kind of seeing. I wanted to also see if she'd be jealous. As I said, if anything happens with this girl it needs to mean more than a fling. However if being friends first precludes that possibility, than so be it.
Green Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Eh, cuz some people are better to just be friends with. Especially this girl, she's a bit nutty. I enjoy hanging out with her and just being friends, as I've had good female friends before I didn't get involved with. Plus there are other women, hence why I told her about the married woman I'm kind of seeing. I wanted to also see if she'd be jealous. As I said, if anything happens with this girl it needs to mean more than a fling. However if being friends first precludes that possibility, than so be it. would you friend zone this girl http://www.techbreak.net/images/cute-girl-with-ipod.jpg if she was a good friend and a bit nutty? how about this girl http://www.nelsonguirado.com/media/blogs/comiendo/prettygirl.jpg would you friendzone her to.... As a man friendzoning a girl is very easy... plus if she is attractive some guy will come along and steal the opportunity soon enough anyways
sally4sara Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Eh, cuz some people are better to just be friends with. Especially this girl, she's a bit nutty. I enjoy hanging out with her and just being friends, as I've had good female friends before I didn't get involved with. Plus there are other women, hence why I told her about the married woman I'm kind of seeing. I wanted to also see if she'd be jealous. As I said, if anything happens with this girl it needs to mean more than a fling. However if being friends first precludes that possibility, than so be it. It could have been as simple as "hey, I enjoy your company, but you conduct your life in a manner than I don't feel indicates we would be compatible for more than friendship". But this doesn't work for you and will continue to not work for you because you too make sexually driven choices that indicate a lack of boundaries by being involved with a married woman. It possibly causes her to think if she makes it just a little hotter or ups the ante with her advances - you will cave. The fact that there is a person in the mix she can compete with just makes it that much more a juicy endeavor.
Author Engadget Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 would you friend zone this girl http://www.techbreak.net/images/cute-girl-with-ipod.jpg if she was a good friend and a bit nutty? how about this girl http://www.nelsonguirado.com/media/blogs/comiendo/prettygirl.jpg would you friendzone her to.... As a man friendzoning a girl is very easy... plus if she is attractive some guy will come along and steal the opportunity soon enough anyways You don't get it Green, I'm not really surprised. You seem to have a very one dimensional view of everything you post about.
Green Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 You don't get it Green, I'm not really surprised. You seem to have a very one dimensional view of everything you post about. Then read her post But this doesn't work for you and will continue to not work for you because you too make sexually driven choices that indicate a lack of boundaries by being involved with a married woman. It possibly causes her to think if she makes it just a little hotter or ups the ante with her advances - you will cave. The fact that there is a person in the mix she can compete with just makes it that much more a juicy endeavor.
Author Engadget Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 It could have been as simple as "hey, I enjoy your company, but you conduct your life in a manner than I don't feel indicates we would be compatible for more than friendship". But this doesn't work for you and will continue to not work for you because you too make sexually driven choices that indicate a lack of boundaries by being involved with a married woman. It possibly causes her to think if she makes it just a little hotter or ups the ante with her advances - you will cave. The fact that there is a person in the mix she can compete with just makes it that much more a juicy endeavor. Thing is, I did say something to that effect and she still didn't understand it. We even spoke about it again afterwards. The married woman was my best friend, and later FWB for years and she's getting a divorce. Not my problem she contacted me and wanted to get involved again.
sally4sara Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Thing is, I did say something to that effect and she still didn't understand it. We even spoke about it again afterwards. The married woman was my best friend, and later FWB for years and she's getting a divorce. Not my problem she contacted me and wanted to get involved again. You're not getting what is being said to you. She has reason to doubt you won't overstep boundaries - even if you've vocalized those boundaries, because she has reason to believe you will overstep boundaries if the bait is hot enough. You just make it more of a challenge by sharing your sex life even in passing.
Author Engadget Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 You're not getting what is being said to you. She has reason to doubt you won't overstep boundaries - even if you've vocalized those boundaries, because she has reason to believe you will overstep boundaries if the bait is hot enough. You just make it more of a challenge by sharing your sex life even in passing. I get that, and then it could be fun. Who knows? Maybe we'll get involved some day.
Recommended Posts