craw Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 i don't understand - you don't want to marry her - clearly you should move. can't have your cake and eat it too. over 5+ years, you should damn well know by now whether you want to spend the rest of your life with her or not.
PersonMan Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Take the job. Secure yourself first. The women come later.
Author decisionsdecisions Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 thanks for all the great advice. the situation has become even more confusing now - the gf has agreed to do long distance if i take the job. At the same time, my current employer has expressed a great deal of interest in keeping me and may possibly match the FL offer in order to keep me. These events are really messing with my emotions. At one moment i'm so excited about a new experience of moving to south florida and having a little time to myself. A moment later, I'm terrified of the change and I just want things to go back to normal. Also, is the oil spill something I should take into consideration? The location is south florida right on the beach, I'm not sure if moving there is a good idea based on the oil spill now (or maybe I'm just trying to think of excuses)
St. Nick Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 thanks for all the great advice. the situation has become even more confusing now - the gf has agreed to do long distance if i take the job. At the same time, my current employer has expressed a great deal of interest in keeping me and may possibly match the FL offer in order to keep me. These events are really messing with my emotions. At one moment i'm so excited about a new experience of moving to south florida and having a little time to myself. A moment later, I'm terrified of the change and I just want things to go back to normal. Also, is the oil spill something I should take into consideration? The location is south florida right on the beach, I'm not sure if moving there is a good idea based on the oil spill now (or maybe I'm just trying to think of excuses) Forget the oil spill. They've got some hotties in Florida. And they are much more laidback than Northeastern chicks. Take the job, say bye bye to your girl, and get yourself a Florida girl. It's that simple.
Crazy Magnet Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I really don't blame her for not uprooting her life for a man who isn't willing get married. You are asking her to make a HUGE change in her life when you are not willing to make a HUGE change (as in engagement and marriage) in return. You want her to support your career move, but you aren't willing to support her desires for marriage? A very similar situation is happening in my group of friends right now. The guy needed to move to Florida to finish grad school and his girlfriend told him she was not willing to uproot her own life and leave her job here for a "boyfriend." It took him less than 2 weeks to get on his knee, they have a wedding planned for July, and then she's leaving everything she knows (friends, job, and family) to move with him and support him in this next step of his life. They were together about a year before all this moving to another state came up. She sounds like she's got her head on right to be wary of this situation. Her agreement to an LDR sounds like her way of holding on in hopes that when you get down to Florida you realize how much life sucks without her and then want to propose. The two of you really need to have a frank discussion about when marriage is in the cards.
Author decisionsdecisions Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 we've talked about marriage. She knows I'm not big on it right now, but she knows she wants to marry me. I'll be honest this whole situation has made me think about marriage more. It's possible when I get down to florida I'll miss her so much I'll want to propose. Staying where we are now, I may not get the motivation to propose.
stillafool Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I've been in a relationship for 5+ years. We've been living togeather for 3 years. We're both 25 and we live in the north east. I recently got a great job offer in florida. It's a step up in my title, my work, and my pay. All in all it is a great oppertunity. I'm also excited about the idea of living somewhere new. Being in the north east all my life, I've got a craving to switch up my scenary - I can always move back to the northeast if i want. The problem is, my girlfriend is strongly opposed to moving to florida, which I can understand. She's close to family and has a great job / friends where we live now. She also some anxiety issues and it takes her a long time to become comfortable with new settings. She has also turned down the idea of a long distance relationship. She feels that is a giant step backwards (we live togeather now) and would be embarassed to tell her friends/mother that her boyfriends of 5 years is moving to florida without her. My girlfriend has told me if I accept the job, she will be out of my life completely. On one hand I am so excited for this job and a new city, on the other hand I'm affraid of what life will be like without her. If I turn down the job I'll probably end of regretting it - also it puts me back on the job hunt again which will probably put me in this situation again soon. If I turn down my girlfriend I'm affraid I'll never find someone who will love me as much as she does. This whole situation has been unbelievably stressful for both me and her. It's best that I make a decision now and stick with it. I've been going back and forth in my head and it's not healthy. Solid advice is appreciated. There's only one decision you can make and that's to take the job. It is what you have dreamed of and if you don't take it you will always wonder about the "what ifs". You may even start to resent her down the road.
St. Nick Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 we've talked about marriage. She knows I'm not big on it right now, but she knows she wants to marry me. I'll be honest this whole situation has made me think about marriage more. It's possible when I get down to florida I'll miss her so much I'll want to propose. Staying where we are now, I may not get the motivation to propose. It sounds like you're now feeling you need to propose to her because you're getting a guilt-trip from the posters who chastized you for trying to uproot a chick you're not serious about. Take note: if you establish feelings for this chick and/or propose marriage to her out of guilt then it's only going to lead to disaster. I underlined it so you'd get the point. Your actions in your relationship should not be decided out of guilt or because you feel sorry for her. It's only going to make things worse because you don't have genuine feelings of dedication to her. Don't let criticism from others motivate you to try to propose to her (especially not anonymous people on the internet). Whatever happens between you and her is not going to affect them and they'll just go on with their lives. Here's my take on it: You want that job in Florida but you'd like to bring your mainstay chick along with you. However, she's second thoughts and doesn't want to move. That means you have to choose. It's obvious you want the job more, and deep down I believe you feel that it's more important. Go with the job and leave the Northeastern girl behind. There will be women down in Florida. There are women everywhere. You'll have more opportunities to meet women now that you're getting a better job and a better position. How often does such an offer come around? The more successful you are in life, the more women you'll meet. Fact. And then you'll have forgotten all about that last chick. One again, take the job, leave the chick.
Crazy Magnet Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 we've talked about marriage. She knows I'm not big on it right now, but she knows she wants to marry me. I'll be honest this whole situation has made me think about marriage more. It's possible when I get down to florida I'll miss her so much I'll want to propose. Staying where we are now, I may not get the motivation to propose. Have the two of you discussed a time line? For example: You: Marriage will not happen in the next three years. You will have to wait until 2013 for an engagement ring. (or what ever it is that you have in your head.) Her: a) Up yours I'm gone! b) Ok I'm willing to wait for another 3 years. When I say "frank discussion" I don't mean "Oh...lalala....fluffy bunnies....we want to get married some day." I mean both parties lay our all their expectations for the relationship, ideas about time lines, future career moves, kids, whatever it is that needs to be discussed. Another question to ask yourself, what will happen if she moves with you and in another two years she's the one who lands the job with the promotion and pay increase, are you willing to leave what you have to support her in that decision? I'm so upfront about what being with me will be like I believe I informed my BF that dating me would 110% require a move from our current location in a few year b/c of my career BEFORE we even went out on a date. With the prior BF this didn't come up until month 5 or 6, after we were both invested, and moving was a "hell no" for him. Of course it was disappointing on both sides. So, have you had really open and honest conversations with her?
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