Mimolicious Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Decisions- When you're settled in the sunshine state, holler at me! I'll come down and maybe we can "WORK" together. LOL! OpenGL- you are nuts. Mostly women are the ones spending thousand on plastic surgeries, starving themselves, etc... WHY???? because for centuries, men have made it a point that looks are far more valuable and important to them than anything else. I have to agree and actually feel blessed to be in this age in time that generations have slowly shifted away from such mentality. At least in my circle, if you are not a career women and can hook a steak up, you are not "OH SO HOT" anymore. LOL!
OpenGL Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 OpenGL- you are nuts. Mostly women are the ones spending thousand on plastic surgeries, starving themselves, etc... WHY???? because for centuries, men have made it a point that looks are far more valuable and important to them than anything else. I have to agree and actually feel blessed to be in this age in time that generations have slowly shifted away from such mentality. Wrong. They are doing it because they are competitive against other women, not for men. This is proven time and time again. Women are the shallow ones, not men. Instead of buying $500 purses, getting lip injections, and buying 20 different pairs of shoes, just show up in a t-shirt and jeans and trust me ANY guy will be perfectly fine (and probably prefer) with it. Do you really think guys know or care what brand purse you're wearing?
Author decisionsdecisions Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 thanks for all the advice. if it helps the argument - i wouldnt be looking to get into a relationship for a while anyway. after being in a relationship for so long, i think i might be single for just as long and enjoy the time to myself... if i go that is.
carhill Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 What is your opinion based upon? I refuse to think that if a guy 1. has a good job 2. is outgoing 3. has a really down-to-earth approach to life 4. enjoys playing/doing sports (which keeps him in shape) 5. knows how to make a girl feel special is doomed to be alone for 10+ years! Though I tend to agree with you, I did live it (15 years in my case) and will be happy to comment on the nuances from my perspective. Self-employed, stable career, home owner at 25, both female and male friends, endurance cyclist and auto racer. At the OP's age, it would still be another decade before having any semblance of successful intimate sexual relationship. BTW, to clarify, IMO the girlfriend is the one doing the bending so far. Cohabitation without any sign of marriage intent in the face of her desire for such and now a request to uproot herself to an uncertain future in a strange place. If I've misread, I'd like to see some examples of bend by the OP.
Lakeside_runner Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 At the OP's age, it would still be another decade before having any semblance of successful intimate sexual relationship. I don't get it. Why?
carhill Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I don't get it. Why? Not being a mind reader, no clear idea. Probably a combination of being an atypical male, personality-wise, along with proximity. I tended, due to my business and interests, to socialize with married couples, often older than myself, so fewer opportunities. My female friends were usually in relationships and my social circle was loathe in general regarding "setting" people up. I don't regret those years in the least. In retrospect, they were healthier and happier than the subsequent 15 years have been. Maybe that's instructive
Lakeside_runner Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Not being a mind reader, no clear idea. Probably a combination of being an atypical male, personality-wise, along with proximity. I tended, due to my business and interests, to socialize with married couples, often older than myself, so fewer opportunities. My female friends were usually in relationships and my social circle was loathe in general regarding "setting" people up. I don't regret those years in the least. In retrospect, they were healthier and happier than the subsequent 15 years have been. Maybe that's instructive Oh, OK, I get it now - you were referring to yourself and not the OP. I thought you meant that the OP would be single for the next decade or so... Yeah, it's all about what you make out of it. If you're willing to meet new people and sort of have an idea what you want and what you're looking for then it should be doable, right?
SarahRose Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I agree that it doesn't make sense for her to move for me. I'm a bit afraid of marriage so I've been holding it off even though she has been pressuring me a lot about it. I mentioned if we got engaged if she would be able to do the LDR, but she wasn't a fan of that either. It seems like it's all or nothing. I didn't really plan to get married until later in life, but if I was going to get married it would be to her. I'm leaning towards the job right now, im just hoping i'll be able to live with it. I am wondering does she know this? Does she know you have no intentions of marrying her anytime soon? No offense but I wouldn't give up my home, family, and career for someone who was still on the fence about me.
marsle85 Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Your new career will never cheat on you because it has an amazing connection with a coworker nor will it tell you it loves you but is not in love with you so that is what I would choose. You will be making good money and will have a good pick of women where you are going so let her go. You need to be committed. I'm SO serious.
carhill Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 If you're willing to meet new people and sort of have an idea what you want and what you're looking for then it should be doable, right? In theory, yes. In practice, many factors, some beyond one's personal control, come into play. The OP, based on the choices shared, clearly prefers the perspective of growing his success path unfettered by relationship responsibilities and compromises, but does enjoy the companionship that a partner provides. He'll have to find one partner who shares that path, or perhaps a number of partners, and they can enjoy each other's company as time and career path permit. Presuming the OP, at the outset of cohabitation, clearly stated that marriage was 'a number of years off', the girlfriends responsibility was to act on those words in a healthy way for herself. She chose to cohabit with him and invest more of herself into the relationship, so owns that bend. She set a boundary, a clear one, prompting this thread. Hope it works out
Lakeside_runner Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 In theory, yes. In practice, many factors, some beyond one's personal control, come into play. The OP, based on the choices shared, clearly prefers the perspective of growing his success path unfettered by relationship responsibilities and compromises, but does enjoy the companionship that a partner provides. He'll have to find one partner who shares that path, or perhaps a number of partners, and they can enjoy each other's company as time and career path permit. Well said. I think if one's ready for marriage, one can find a balance between the professional and personal life. I think usually after achieving the professional goals there is a time in man's life where he just wants to settle down and start a family. What I was merely referring to in my previous posts is that by making a career oriented decision now, the OP does not condemns himself to a life in solitude and loneliness. Presuming the OP, at the outset of cohabitation, clearly stated that marriage was 'a number of years off', the girlfriends responsibility was to act on those words in a healthy way for herself. She chose to cohabit with him and invest more of herself into the relationship, so owns that bend. She set a boundary, a clear one, prompting this thread. Hope it works out Again - well said! Sir David Attenborough couldn't have said it better
Dirk Diggler Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I've been in a relationship for 5+ years. We've been living togeather for 3 years. We're both 25 and we live in the north east. I recently got a great job offer in florida. It's a step up in my title, my work, and my pay. All in all it is a great oppertunity. I'm also excited about the idea of living somewhere new. Being in the north east all my life, I've got a craving to switch up my scenary - I can always move back to the northeast if i want. The problem is, my girlfriend is strongly opposed to moving to florida, which I can understand. She's close to family and has a great job / friends where we live now. She also some anxiety issues and it takes her a long time to become comfortable with new settings. She has also turned down the idea of a long distance relationship. She feels that is a giant step backwards (we live togeather now) and would be embarassed to tell her friends/mother that her boyfriends of 5 years is moving to florida without her. My girlfriend has told me if I accept the job, she will be out of my life completely. On one hand I am so excited for this job and a new city, on the other hand I'm affraid of what life will be like without her. If I turn down the job I'll probably end of regretting it - also it puts me back on the job hunt again which will probably put me in this situation again soon. If I turn down my girlfriend I'm affraid I'll never find someone who will love me as much as she does. This whole situation has been unbelievably stressful for both me and her. It's best that I make a decision now and stick with it. I've been going back and forth in my head and it's not healthy. Solid advice is appreciated. In any situation you need to be putting yourself first if you are still in the process of establishing yourself and career. Your livelihood is what you are going to do for your whole life, you mine as well be happy doing so and furthering the benefits of that progression. While you certainly do have time invested in her, she doesn't seem like one to help your progression in that direction be it her stance on this. I think if eventually the relationship fell apart or not, that you honestly would regret putting your life on hold for any relationship being more important in the long run. Because if it doesn't work out you wont be any further ahead, or lost a potentially decent opportunity for yourself. These are things in life she cannot do for you, and she really does not play a primary part in the decision making for personal life choices that effect you. Now while I think it is fair that she has stated her terms on how she feels on the matter of relocating her life. But be it there is no mention of marriage or children, your age added the lack of encouragement or acceptance on her part. I certainly would not be putting my eggs in one basket relationship wise especially at 25. Also to say you wont find love again is just a knee jerk reaction to being overwhelmed with the current events understandably. But overall very narrow sighted.
Woggle Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 You need to be committed. I'm SO serious. It's the truth. Should he stay behind and end up making no money and alone after she loses interest or in a new place making money with his pick of women?
Twenty-ten Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 What is this job of hers that is so great? I doubt it is about her having a great job, it sounds more like it is a matter of having leap of faith in a relationship that otherwise is going nowhere. So why should she alter her life to accommodate him when he has no serious intentions with her? She would be leaving her family, friends and overall life as she knows it, behind, to follow a guy that won't commit to her. And then what? In a year she finds herself in another state with no social support around her a guy who wants out of the relationship and then what? So she is supposed to risk all that, all in the name of "making him suffer less in the transition?" That's not fair to ask that of another person.
Lakeside_runner Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I honestly swear: if someone is going to use the verb 'to sacrifice' in this thread - I AM GOING TO EXPLODE in front of my mac!!! @ OP: BREATH!!! JUST BREATH!!! It may seem hard now but people here are actually giving you good advice. I was in the exact same situation and all I heard was: "You have to sacrifice your dreams and your choices for the sake of our relationship. That's what relationships are about... sacrifice...". Took me two years to realize that it was just BS! No! Relationships are all about support! You're young and at the beginning of your career. She's probably also young and at the start of her career. Well, if your professional futures are not compatible the choice is kind of clear... Either way there's going to be the 'Waht if'-feeling but all of this is a part of life, which is a great adventure by the way...
Green Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 You just have to be honest with yourself. How cool does this job seem to you. Are you willing to ask her to marry you and drag her to FL with you. If you are ready to marry this girl, I gaurantee you can talk her into comming to FL with you. Get down on one knee and say marry me and let me take you away with me and make a life for us. Tell her about how you guys will have a guest room and all your friends and family will always want to visit. If you don't want to marry her now might be the time to just go take this job and move away. If a few months from now you think you've made a big mistake you can always quit and move back and propose to her then. The only way you could just continue to date her with out marrying her is if you give up on this job oportunity. Are you willing to do that? Even though she is saying it is over it isn't necesarily true. Just be honest with yourself man. No easy answer to this question.
i'mfaraway Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 At this point, I don't think a move is something you can avoid. If you stay, you'll resent your girlfriend for causing you to miss out on a good opportunity and the relationship will probably be an eventual poofer. If she moves with you, she'll probably hate the new environment and that will cause friction in your relationship. I don't want to say that it's all bad but laying out the possibilities. I hope you end up being happy and stick to whichever decision you make.
brainygirl Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 If you were ready to marry and commit to each other you would have already. Go with the job, they are too hard to find. Florida will be an adventure for you and I hate to say this, but there will be other girls.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Given that you've been girlfriend and boyfriend for five years, I think it would be unwise for her to go with you or have an LDR, and it would be unwise for you to stay.
CLC2008 Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I doubt it is about her having a great job, it sounds more like it is a matter of having leap of faith in a relationship that otherwise is going nowhere. So why should she alter her life to accommodate him when he has no serious intentions with her? She would be leaving her family, friends and overall life as she knows it, behind, to follow a guy that won't commit to her. And then what? In a year she finds herself in another state with no social support around her a guy who wants out of the relationship and then what? So she is supposed to risk all that, all in the name of "making him suffer less in the transition?" That's not fair to ask that of another person. I tend to agree with this. If this opportunity, is for the benefit of them as a couple, then that makes a world of difference. But if this opportunity, is solely for the OP's benefit, then that's an entirely different story... In all fairness though, if this is a great opportunity for the OP, I would not want to be the person to stand in the way of that. I may not like his decision to go without me (i.e. choose his career first), but I would be supportive of it within the maximum capacity that I was emotionally able to.
marsle85 Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Just leave. You'll know she really loves you if she chases you down at the airport, illegally boards your plane and proposes.
Green Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Just leave. You'll know she really loves you if she chases you down at the airport, illegally boards your plane and proposes. She better have a ring
BWLoca Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Can't blame the girl for not wanting to uproot her life for a man who is not even sure about her. Honestly think it would be the best thing for her if you just took the job.
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