decisionsdecisions Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I've been in a relationship for 5+ years. We've been living togeather for 3 years. We're both 25 and we live in the north east. I recently got a great job offer in florida. It's a step up in my title, my work, and my pay. All in all it is a great oppertunity. I'm also excited about the idea of living somewhere new. Being in the north east all my life, I've got a craving to switch up my scenary - I can always move back to the northeast if i want. The problem is, my girlfriend is strongly opposed to moving to florida, which I can understand. She's close to family and has a great job / friends where we live now. She also some anxiety issues and it takes her a long time to become comfortable with new settings. She has also turned down the idea of a long distance relationship. She feels that is a giant step backwards (we live togeather now) and would be embarassed to tell her friends/mother that her boyfriends of 5 years is moving to florida without her. My girlfriend has told me if I accept the job, she will be out of my life completely. On one hand I am so excited for this job and a new city, on the other hand I'm affraid of what life will be like without her. If I turn down the job I'll probably end of regretting it - also it puts me back on the job hunt again which will probably put me in this situation again soon. If I turn down my girlfriend I'm affraid I'll never find someone who will love me as much as she does. This whole situation has been unbelievably stressful for both me and her. It's best that I make a decision now and stick with it. I've been going back and forth in my head and it's not healthy. Solid advice is appreciated.
carhill Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 TBH, if she was marriage material, she'd be, after this long of a relationship and cohabitation (I'd likely be married already but I digress), she'd be square up for the team approach to your future rather than summarily drawing a line in the sand. Adjunct to that observation, would you, if she was offered an important career advancement, move with her or support a temporary LDR? I think that's a fair question. It works both ways. This presumes that your careers are portable. IOW, neither of you, as an example, has a B&M business at a specific location with employees and customers to consider but are free to move about the world in your careers. Personally, at your age, absent a serious engagement/marriage, if I were offered this dynamic exactly as laid out here, I'd choose my career and feel positive about it.
Mimolicious Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Yikes! How do I say this delicately?! After 5 years, where is the support??? I mean, sounds like your girlfriend may be a bit selfish, self-centered and emotionally unbalanced. Are you anywhere near getting married and starting a family with her? I just cant believe that she will tell you she is completely out of your life if you take this job. That shows no kind of support towards you and your goals. I mean, what do I know...
Twenty-ten Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I have to agree with Carhill, he pretty much covered all the bases. If I were your g/f I would also resist moving across the country for a "boyfriend" and I have been in that situation and I have refused the move. It is too much to ask of someone whom you are only half committed to, to give up their life in order to follow you around to make your life more prosperous. Having said that, if she really wanted to support you on the decision she could offer to stay in the LDR as a trail and see how it pans out for both. To me that seems like the best option, you might hate living there, she might hate the idea of being apart from you. It seems too drastic on her part to give you an ultimatum like that. If she can't support your decision you need to decide what is best, and go forward. So....why aren't you engaged or speaking of marriage?
Els Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Uhh. I don't think it's completely fair to blame his gf. 'Supporting' him means either moving with him or sustaining a LDR. LDRs aren't for everyone, and moving means she will most likely need to sacrifice her current great job for his future great job. She has recognized that she will not be able to handle either, and is being honest with him about it. How is that 'selfish, self-centered and emotionally unbalanced'? Her decision is merely equivalent to his should he take up this offer. OP, I don't know. Which do you consider more important in your life? In 5 years' time, what sort of future do you envision with your new career, and what sort of future do you envision with her?
Author decisionsdecisions Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 I agree that it doesn't make sense for her to move for me. I'm a bit afraid of marriage so I've been holding it off even though she has been pressuring me a lot about it. I mentioned if we got engaged if she would be able to do the LDR, but she wasn't a fan of that either. It seems like it's all or nothing. I didn't really plan to get married until later in life, but if I was going to get married it would be to her. I'm leaning towards the job right now, im just hoping i'll be able to live with it.
Els Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 We will always need to make difficult decisions in life. If you feel career is more important to you right now (and there is nothing wrong with that if you truly feel it would make you happy), then your decision is correct. I wish you all the best.
Twenty-ten Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Well there is your answer, I knew there was more to this situation than what we were told. She wants more, and this moving away signifies an even deeper wedge stuck between the two of you. Of course she is being "unreasonable" about it, in fact it isn't all that unreasonable she is being smart and protecting her interest in the relationship.. You need to let this girl go, if marriage is not in your cards right now, stop leading her on. 5+ yrs is a very long time to be with someone and not know if you want more commitment, you clearly don't want more but want your cake and to eat it too. Doesn't work that way, if you expect all or nothing from her she has every right to expect the same from you.
Rorschach Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Go for the job, if you don't want to get married, it sounds like choosing the girl is going to lead to exactly what you don't want.
carhill Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Milkman. Move to Florida. Did you notice my tone just changed? An important life lesson in relationships is the concept of balance and bend. Do you see who's doing the bending here? Bend too far and one breaks. Enjoy the humidity
OpenGL Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 How good looking are you? If you are average or below you might want to stay with the girl because the dating market has drastically changed in the past 5 years. You will likely be single for a very, very long time.
Lakeside_runner Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 OK... here is my 2c. I've been in this exact situation - twice! And you know what? This issue of choice between career or GF is a very tough one because no matter what you chose you ALWAYS will have this "What if...?"-feeling (i.e. "What if I'd have chosen the other option?"). Both times it was just so hard that even thinking about it caused shortness of breath and sort of mild panic attacks. I chose my career - both times. I can't say I'm happy with my decision but I'm certainly not unhappy. It's life and that's all it is. Maybe your approach at this point is much healthier than mine - mine was "Why can't I have both?!?!?". The truth is: there is a lot of girls out there and you can always start something new from scratch. If you make a mistake in your career - you may close some doors and you may do something that you'll regret in the future since it may deprive you of some options. I sometimes feel that there is something terribly wrong with this approach and it may seem a little harsh so - people - feel free to comment on that! Frankly speaking, I am probably wrong but I can't help to have the feeling that you coming here is sort of looking not for advice but subconsciously looking for someone else to decide for you. I like Carhill's advice...
Engadget Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 How good looking are you? If you are average or below you might want to stay with the girl because the dating market has drastically changed in the past 5 years. You will likely be single for a very, very long time. Oh come on, looks aren't THAT important. To the OP, take the job. If she's that adamant about not leaving, screw her. This could catapult you further up the ladder, and you could stay with her and break up in a few years.
OpenGL Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Oh come on, looks aren't THAT important. To the OP, take the job. If she's that adamant about not leaving, screw her. This could catapult you further up the ladder, and you could stay with her and break up in a few years. Yeah they aren't that important... just the #1 most important factor, that's all
Lakeside_runner Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 How good looking are you? If you are average or below you might want to stay with the girl because the dating market has drastically changed in the past 5 years. You will likely be single for a very, very long time. Well there is that and...'the end is near!' (sarcasm). Yes! This is the best advice ever! Go to your bathroom, look in the mirror, rate yourself and if you're below a 7 - stay with your girl, if you're 8-10 - move to Florida. If you're exactly a 7 - toss a coin. (sarcasm) Really, looks aren't everything! There is something inherently wrong with the approach that having a GF is the best thing that could have happen to you in your life. That has 'desperation' written all over it! Don't go there...
Mimolicious Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I dont know... I have a strong feeling that in 5 years you run into this chick and all the "what if's?" come up but (and a big BUT here) you both are now married. You'll be posting on the OW/OM boards with some rollercoaster A story. If this is a "career" move and not just a "job" then good luck and only time will tell what the future holds for the both of you.
OpenGL Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 There is something inherently wrong with the approach that having a GF is the best thing that could have happen to you in your life. That has 'desperation' written all over it! Don't go there... Uh, no, you are reading way more into what I said. I never said you need to stay with any woman at all cost or face being a lonely loser the rest of your life, I'm just making sure he understands what he is facing if he breaks up with his girl and he is only average looking. The market isn't in men's favor (or even anywhere near parity), so be prepared to be on your own for years, possibly 10 years+ or until you make a lot of money, get ripped, or have some plastic surgery done.
Mimolicious Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Yeah they aren't that important... just the #1 most important factor, that's all Either you are a shallow person or you get shut down a lot because you are not falling under your own standard of factors.
Engadget Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Yeah they aren't that important... just the #1 most important factor, that's all You're wrong, and way too jaded.
Lakeside_runner Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 The market isn't in men's favor (or even anywhere near parity), so be prepared to be on your own for years, possibly 10 years+ or until you make a lot of money, get ripped, or have some plastic surgery done. What is your opinion based upon? I refuse to think that if a guy 1. has a good job 2. is outgoing 3. has a really down-to-earth approach to life 4. enjoys playing/doing sports (which keeps him in shape) 5. knows how to make a girl feel special is doomed to be alone for 10+ years!
OpenGL Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Either you are a shallow person or you get shut down a lot because you are not falling under your own standard of factors. ...I'm a shallow person? You got that backwards buddy. In fact, men are not shallow at all and the most compromising in expectations for dating. Women on the other hand, extremely shallow. Studies have proven his and women themselves have written about the subject. Women are by far more shallow than men ever are.
OpenGL Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 What is your opinion based upon? I refuse to think that if a guy 1. has a good job 2. is outgoing 3. has a really down-to-earth approach to life 4. enjoys playing/doing sports (which keeps him in shape) 5. knows how to make a girl feel special is doomed to be alone for 10+ years! Hundreds of thousands of men meet that criteria sit on match.com every year without getting a single date (for example). "Oh but thats just online dating" - nah, happens with speed dating too, as well as the bars and night outtings, coffee houses, book stores, etc.
Woggle Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Your new career will never cheat on you because it has an amazing connection with a coworker nor will it tell you it loves you but is not in love with you so that is what I would choose. You will be making good money and will have a good pick of women where you are going so let her go.
Mimolicious Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Uh, no, you are reading way more into what I said. I never said you need to stay with any woman at all cost or face being a lonely loser the rest of your life, I'm just making sure he understands what he is facing if he breaks up with his girl and he is only average looking. The market isn't in men's favor (or even anywhere near parity), so be prepared to be on your own for years, possibly 10 years+ or until you make a lot of money, get ripped, or have some plastic surgery done. Is this the voice of experience speaking? You must run into a lot of little girls then... I am 32 years old, divorced, financially stable and let me add, very good looking. I am single by choice because I actually have met a few GORGEOUS worthless men. Dont tell me that you drive because you have a license! You are not driving my car! Dont tell me that you have your own "place" and it's actually "space" cause you got a room at your momma's house. Dont tell me that recession has you in between jobs if you are a "mixologist". Key elements that make a mature, well grownded man are knowing who he is, what he does and how much he makes. If you are not driven and dedicated, you most likely will fail in a relationship. Either that or live a mediocre life. Enjoy if that is what you want out of life and if you want to spend it with space-cadets that care about your abs and pretty face. Let's see how pretty you are going to look at that retirement home with no 401k.
Lakeside_runner Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Hundreds of thousands of men meet that criteria sit on match.com every year without getting a single date (for example). "Oh but thats just online dating" - nah, happens with speed dating too, as well as the bars and night outtings, coffee houses, book stores, etc. What about groups of people who share mutual interests?!?!? If you enjoy running - join a running group! If you enjoy painting - go to a painting class! Geez... I'm not saying people have to be perfect but for God's sakes! - if you have an image of a person who you think would be successful with women - strive to be that person! I just watched that video that you posted in another response - REALLY? An Austin Powers impression??? Brown belt and black shoes??? Yes - I can understand these women! What's wrong with just sitting down and having a normal conversation between two people who want to get to know each other better?
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