alchemist Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 (edited) I will make this brief and thanks in advance for reading. My common law wife and I ...40 & 37 have a 4 yr old boy. We hit a rocky patch in our relationship 2 yrs ago...lots of fighting and resentment/anger issues. We finally broke up about 7 months ago with a reconciliation 5 months ago. We were getting on better, as we both moved to separate residences, but some lingering issues surfaced. We both experienced some financial hardships and some general obstacles (single parenting) which was not the best environment for a second chance. About 2 months ago...I was told "i need space" I love u but not in love" "i need a break" "im confused" etc etc. She broke up with me and 2 wks later...of course..on cue...she started an affair w/ married man and it lasted a few weeks and admitted there was very "little in common...but a connection". I am 100% certain they broke it off. A month has passed...I did/doing limited NC (we have a child) , did not make all the typical begging and pleading mistakes, but tried to use some logic w/ her (doesnt work). She has warmed up a bit ..."I still have feelings...we can get therapy...i dont know what i want...im confused...i dont want a relationship RIGHT now". She admitted that she wanted her cake and was stringing me along a bit and wanted to see what else was out there. She also says she isnt 100% certain we are over, but for now she needs space and time to heal from first break up...as she didnt get that time. We have amazing chemistry when we are ON...we just happen to argue and have not fully healed from the whole source of the initial break up. Question 1) does a woman agree to therapy if she does not want to reconcile? Question 2) does a woman still talk to you and express that there are feelings and even expresses that 5 yrs is a long time to just throw away if she does not want a reconciliation? Question 3) I understand a building on a friendship would seem obvious to "win her back"...but am afraid a bit of being "played" here...her family does warn me that she has a history of being "flighty" and she is at a defining point in her life...career coming to end, has a lot of personal debt and perhaps might be seeing me as security. Edited May 17, 2010 by alchemist heading incomplete
carhill Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Look her in the eye and state 'I'd feel more confident about our future if you'd stop f*cking that guy you're with'. Watch body language. Listen. Right. She's 'taking a break' and 'isn't sure of her feelings' and 'wants to see what's out there' because she's a committed monogamous partner. Every MW who approached me in the past did so during a 'break'. You know, they're free to do 'whatever they want'. Welcome to LS. You'll receive a diversity of opinon. Good luck
CaliGuy Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Question 1) does a woman agree to therapy if she does not want to reconcile? Not at all. She agrees to only some things to keep you around until "someone else better" for her comes along. Question 2) does a woman still talk to you and express that there are feelings and even expresses that 5 yrs is a long time to just throw away if she does not want a reconciliation? Same answer as above. Question 3) I understand a building on a friendship would seem obvious to "win her back"...but am afraid a bit of being "played" here...her family does warn me that she has a history of being "flighty" and she is at a defining point in her life...career coming to end, has a lot of personal debt and perhaps might be seeing me as security. I think that is exactly what she is doing. If her family warns you that she is flighty then they're probably right and have seen this behavior in her before. I understand you have a child together and that's important but I think it's even better for the child to not see the fighting and indifference between you two. I think you'd be better off trying to find someone else who loves you as much as you love them. You can't make people love you and you certain can not make decisions for them. What she is showing you is that she doesn't know what she wants but she is sure that it isn't you -- otherwise she wouldn't take "breaks" and sleep with other men. It's high time you made the right decision which should be "I deserve better than this!" Until you do you'll be stuck in limbo. Not able to move forward, not able to fix the past. Now is the time to move forward and accept what's done is done and can't be changed.
Ilovecake Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I don't really have any advice for you. However I just want to say it makes me sad when people decide they need to 'experience life' after they have children. It's too late it's no longer about the adults need to whoop it up everything should be about the child’s best interest. I hope you have custody here, she sounds very flighty.
pureinheart Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Hey BTW welcome to LS.... Every person on the face of this earth is different in some way, shape or form. Some situations/relationships are clearly defined with absolutes, meaning the writing is clearly on the wall. I just got out of a relationship that was NEVER clearly defined, and it was meant to be that way due to his inability to commit. He purposefully kept me off balance, to "keep me around". I didn't see the signs as I have always believed that the guy should take the lead, it's what I know to be true and right. However, I did not see his "leading" as actually being controlling and manipulative, also he was a card carrying carrot dangler. I would ask you why a solid committment was never made. Was this your choice or hers? Some people don't care about getting married, making it real IMO, although it could have much to do with why things went south. Hugs and good luck
Author alchemist Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 Thanks all for the input/advice. You will NOT find me in the SECOND CHANCES forum I will be moving on from this. LNC and keeping my power. Cheers.
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