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Meeting with Ex

sandiego

By sandiego
in Coping

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sandiego Member

sandiego

Posted
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I'm not sure what to do.

 

My ex broke up with me 7 months ago (she wanted to get married, I wasn't ready, but did not want out of the relationship. She grew tired of waiting and one day, just shut down and left me. She had no interest in discussing it at that point. I even told her I'd marry her, that I did not want to lose her. It was too late. We got back together in a LDR three months later (she moved out of state). She broke up with me again after 1 month. I pined, greived, basically wanted her back.

 

Now, it's been 4 months since I've seen her, and I'm doing well. The longest amount of time we've gone NC has been for about 7 days. She usually initiates. She knows I want her back, and seems to think she may want me back...someday (ugh).

 

She recently began dating a guy. After about a month....he dumped her. She then comes to me and tells me "it's really nice having someone to talk to" about her "heartbreak". I tell her I know how it feels.....wtf

 

Now she's coming home to visit her parents and wants to see me because "I've been a really important part of her life". I told her ok.

 

But now I'm second guessing my intentions. I don't want to stifle my moving on, which has been going well. I don't want the meeting to re-ignite false hope, which she's so willing to give me.

 

At first I told her no, I wouldn't see her because it was clear we both wanted different things (me wanting her, her not wanting me). She responded by saying "that's not necessarily true". She tell me she wants to be friends and see where it goes.

 

Such a dilemma......do I meet her? Just keep it casual, with no expectation? Or should I kindly tell her I've changed my mind, because I need more time before I can truly just be friends? Also, should I tell her the only time I'd like to have contact is if she decides she's ready to commit, yet again to trying?

 

She's a really great person, I don't want to be a jerk....I really do want to be cool with her, no matter what happens. Just not sure what to do.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

SD

teanoranges Established Member

teanoranges

Posted
Posted

This is tough. Once you get thrown into that 'back and forth' game, it really gets difficult to pull yourself out of it. And I think it takes people so deep that there's nothing else to do but go separate ways.

 

I would recommend trying to withdrawal from the crazy thoughts of 'this' and 'that'.. they complicate matters.

I know for me, that's keeping my distance from ex... but maybe you have enough power inside of you to do it yourself?

If you go on with the meeting, keep it short. 30 mins. an hour tops. and get out of there. Don't say anything you might regret.

 

 

I'm not good at advice, but I hope someone can give you more sound advice, or you can pick what you want out of that stuff above.

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sandiego Member

sandiego

Posted
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I would recommend trying to withdrawal from the crazy thoughts of 'this' and 'that'.. they complicate matters.

 

 

Hi teanoranges, thanks for your reply. I think you message above is key. If I can just go, see her, keep it light, and bounce outta there, I think all would be ok. It's the constant mind chatter an over-analyzing that can really burn me out....I'll probably just go with the flow, see her, than continue moving on afterwards.

 

Thanks again...good stuff to think about (or not). haha

teanoranges Established Member

teanoranges

Posted
Posted

Just be super careful. In the moment, its so hard not to say or do things and easier to get sucked in.

Make it a point to be in and out and indifferent but friendly.

Try to treat her like you treat your other friends.

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sandiego Member

sandiego

Posted
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Make it a point to be in and out and indifferent but friendly.

Try to treat her like you treat your other friends.

 

Will do teanoranges, good advice!

 

I'd feel kind of guilty if I changed my mind and didn't meet with her (don't ask me why, I was dumped twice)!

 

So I think in seeing her, I'll feel relief. Relief that I'm not holding a grudge, acting immaturely, or being unfriendly or cruel. Also, relief that I can continue to move on, and know I made a valient effort to be cordial and kind...knowing that we're simply not meant to be.

 

Thanks!

SD

teanoranges Established Member

teanoranges

Posted
Posted

No problem! I know how it feels to be in your place and I sadly did it the other way and wish I had done it this way instead.

^_^

Good luck.

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sandiego Member

sandiego

Posted
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Posted
I sadly did it the other way and wish I had done it this way instead.

 

Did it the other way? Wish you'd done it this way? Please indulge me by telling me what you mean!

SD

teanoranges Established Member

teanoranges

Posted
Posted

I indulged my ex with 'i love you's' even after we were broken up and would meet him constantly to play the 'pretend friends' game. I would tell him how I still loved him. I was on the phone with him for an hour crying about losing him as a friend as well, etc.

Now at 6 months NC, I really wish I would have just let it go before I did any of that. If I would have taken the hint and moved on, I wouldn't have felt so dumb. haha.

I gave him advice about how much he can love (he was always scared about love and getting hurt and hurting people) and when he started dating his new girl, he told me my advice made him believe that he could love.. that killed me inside. Why didn't he use the advice for ME!? lol.

He'd give me the whole, "maybe one day" and slowly that changed to "once I'm out of love, I don't fall back into it" line....

I'm slowly but surely almost over it. The thoughts have gone from haunting to fleeting.

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sandiego Member

sandiego

Posted
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I indulged my ex with 'i love you's' even after we were broken up and would meet him constantly to play the 'pretend friends' game. I would tell him how I still loved him. I was on the phone with him for an hour crying about losing him as a friend as well, etc.

Now at 6 months NC, I really wish I would have just let it go before I did any of that. If I would have taken the hint and moved on, I wouldn't have felt so dumb. haha.

 

Believe me, I've been through this myself (it's been 7 months since we broke up...I did the same thing for several months). Until I realized how much I was just hurting myself, but not making ANY progress getting her back. It wasn't until I stopped initiating contact that she warmed up....in fact, I feel like when she thinks I'm losing interest, she'll find a way to contact me. Wish I would've done NC a long time ago.......I still probably should quite honestly.

 

Thanks again for your insight and advice! It's nice to be a part of a community who can relate, and have been through the same experience!

SD

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