Awakening2009 Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Growing up, my father was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. Likely because of this, up until a year ago, I have had basically zero self esteem. In my early 20s, I was in a short term marriage with a girl who was mentally ill - she eventually decided I was not right for her and declared she would "cheat with a different guy every day until I left", which I quickly did. I short time later (yes, too soon) I met another gal who was very nice. A kind, nurturing woman who made me feel special, and more importantly at the time, made me feel like I wasn't an outcast. I remember at one point telling her she seemed like a long lost sister in some ways, how easily we gelled in conversation. We dated, and our sex life was not our strong point. I think in retrospect, she was helping me through my divorce, and I was helping her through the passing of one of her parents, who was slowly dying before their time. Bonding in crisis I guess. We married and things were great until our son was born. Attention to me just fell off the map - I am not talking just sex, I mean time together at all. My wife would not go on an overnight with me without our son until he was 5 years old, and despite my best intentions, I could not successfully introduce date nights into our life. She just had zero interest. I have vivid memories on one night, after an extremely long dry spell, that my wife promised some couple time to me, and despite me waiting up in bed for 2 hours and going down to ask her to join me a couple times, nothing came of it once again. For whatever reason, this night was the straw and the pain was overwhelming. Rather than have it out with her about this topic, I did what I learned to do with my dad - suppress the need and avoid the topic. The rest of my life was pretty good, I figured, sex is overrated, so I can do without. She would ask me about once a month or so when she felt a need, and I be a good partner for her, but I was more going through motions than anything else from that point on. It was a way to cope. Last year at the age of 38, I signed up at a gym, and took it very seriously. I lost a bunch of weight that I had gained over the course of my marriage and I felt like a person again. My sex drive was revving back up into high gear, I was participating in more activities, etc. However, this put a huge strain on the relationship. My wife does not enjoy physical activities, she is a huge workaholic, she is comfortable with sex 10-15 times a year, and she is still emotionally distant. Most nights she just watches TV or plays on Facebook. As I am growing, I am finding the need for that connection, the need for that bonding, and the need to get out and live our life now before we are in our 80s and let all our years pass us by. Further, because of all her rejections over the years, I am almost incapable of initiating sex with her - I really have to work up to it mentally as I think I have shut that part of me down as a defense. 99% of the time, I don't bother. We are in marriage counseling since September with little results. I am in IC for my abuse and esteem/awakening issues as well. My wife has gone to a few counseling sessions, but I don't think she has had her wake up call yet because she does not know why she is there. I'd like to think I am a pretty good dad, and my wife and I are good co-parents and still care a great deal for each other. I have batted around the idea of separation - she spent a week at her mom's house and what I discovered was I didn't miss her all that much... but to be fair, it may have just been nice not to deal with the stress. Any thoughts are appreciated, thank you for reading.
awakenedatlast Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Hey there, Just trawling, trying to get my thoughts in order before posting myself, I came across this and I saw that no one had answered you.... Yes, I can relate to what you are experiencing. Our stories are obviously different but there are quite a lot of similarities. I, too, suffered verbal and emotional abuse as a child from my stepmother and this had had a lasting effect on my self-esteem. I, too, became involved with my husband at a time in my life when I was going through a particularly needy patch, he was too. We, too, are (or at least were) compatible in some important ways. Sexually it has never been good. He has always suffered from ED but I believe the problem is compouned by fundamental sexual incompatibility and intimacy issues. I started closing down about three years ago when I realised that things were never going to change. I decided to live for me, improve myself, and have gained in self-confidence since then (like you, I guess) The years of rejection and my needs being unfulfilled have taken their toll and I am here now talking about divorce and trying to muster up some enthusiasm for MC. I have been in IC for a couple of months, it is helping, but progress is slow. My husband HAS finally heard me,but only because I am talking about leaving, and he's the one who is keen to go to MC. I know I should want this too, but I just can't find the desire to do so, he sense of obligation and duty, yes. So I will probably go. The question that keeps going round and round in my head is 'Do I really love him?' Surely if I did I wouldn't be so reticent to go to MC, would I? If I go it'll be for the children's sake, out of respect for the fact that we made vows, and to have a clear conscience. I know those are selfish reasons, but that's where I'm at, at the moment. I should mention that there is someone else, if only in 'fantasy': a guy I know who I have developped a HUGE crush on/fallen in love with. He flirts with me, nothing more, and doesn't have a clue how I feel (although I guess he must feel the mutual attraction, because believe me, it's electric), and I don't plan on telling him or acting on my feelings, but they are there, real, and won't go away. I know it's (probably) all about him awakening desire in me that my husband has never been able to do, about making me feel things I have never felt for my husband, about being a total alpha whereas my husband in most definitely a beta male.... My head has no problem seeing things for what they are. My heart? Well, that's a whole different matter. How can I change the way I feel? CAN I change the way I feel? If there is no 'near perfect ' time in our marriage to remember, what exactly will we be working towards in MC? Some sort of mutually agreeable compromise? I'm sorry, but I don't want that. I don't have any 'advice' or wisdom to offer you, just hang in there and be true to yourself. I am havign difficulty with that. One of my IC issues is just that....always doing what I believe others expect of me. it seems as though now, at age 36, I am starting to hear the little voice inside me, and it's telling me one thing, but if I listen to it, it's goignt o ruin a lot of lives. When I think of MC and staying together all I can see is more compromise, of me not truly being able to be me, and me resenting my husband for not being something/someone he will never be, and us being unhappy. I have a question for you or ayone else reading this: Why should we work on bringing back a marriage from the dead? Who says it's for the best? For who? Best of luck to you.
schro31185 Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I have been going through the same situation regarding the sex, as you, only in the past 5 years. Even after MC, results were negligible. I hope you can make it known to your spouse that, you are not, and will not be happy if things continue this way, and she can be enough of an adult to decide to either change, or free you.
Spark1111 Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 I think it is very important to identify your unmet needs, and IC and MC are a great place to start in identifying them, and then you must express them to your spouse in a clear and kind manner. I love you, but I am unhappy in our relationship. I want to be close to you and I need more frequent sex to do so. Rejection is hard for me, and I am upset that now I rarely initiate for fear of being rejected. Because I want you, and I want you to want me. How can we fix this together? You must also identify, and this certainly could be related to an abusive childhoold, the difficulty you do have in expressing your needs, the difficulty you have in identifying them, and the acceptance of others who do not treat you as well as you may treat them. IC, long term, helps with this.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 The issues you are experiencing are very common... They are definitely workable. "The Sex Starved Marriage," by Michelle Weiner Davis is a great place to start. It talks about alot more than simply mismatched levels of libido. Of course the book does focus on that, and does speak to both the high desire partner and low desire partner. It has definitely improved things for me, and I highly recommend it to anyone in the position of desire more intimacy and closeness... http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Marriage-Couples-Boosting-Libido/dp/0743227328
Major Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 First of all, much respect for your growth. Most people never do this. Many psychologists talk about that what we see in our environment as children is what we see as love. Even if it's abusive. It's a comfort zone. An example given was a young boy who's mother was an alcoholic. Although he was only 8 or 9, he would take care of his siblings when his mom was passed out drunk. He lost a lot of his childhood that way, but he was very, responsible as a young man. When he got into his career and his own life, he was always attracted to "drama queens" that he always had to rescue some way or another. Either financially, or a drug addiction, or some type of dysfunction. After counseling, he realized that his reality of love was to rescue these women. He always rescued his mom and his siblings. That was his environment. Also, many times when we are emotionally and spiritually empty, we look to others to fill us up in ways that we should be filling ourselves up. We should be complete as a single person (1 is a whole number:) However, when we have low, self-esteem or a victim mentality, it is easy to become a character in someone else's world until they decide to leave. When they leave, we don't know who we are or our meaning. You have done an awesome, job and your healthy, mentality is evident in not only the counseling, but your physical attainment (taking care of your body is a huge, indication of high, self-esteem.) I think one more area to view is "control." I know you said that your wife is a work-a-holic, etc. Sometimes, people who "appear" to have it together really are attracted to those who do not. Why? Because they seem very, in control of their life and they control the lives of others. Giving can be controlling to that type of personality and some people have the need to control in order to ignore their own deficiences. Does that make sense? You are doing great! I just love everything I read here. Honestly, I think you are coming into your own self-actualization, and it's important that you continue to know who you are, what you want your life to be, and who to share it with. Your spouse definitely needs to understand this. When two people don't grow together, quite naturally, it's not rocket science...they grow apart.
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