Spark1111 Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 (edited) Okay, just read an interesting article on a psychology website that speaks of our primitive limbic brain and its reward circuitry. Some people during sex peak but then fall very quickly. Their brains have received a shot of dopamine (feels great!), but then release many "feel-good" chemicals quickly (feel down). During this process the brain is desensitized as it seeks its own equilibrium again, but the person wants more sex (dopamine feel good), has it, but it does not have the same effect and they then feel more down. It is truly the difference between very horny and then greatly satisfied as opposed to somewhat horny and then not as satisfied. Couples are rarely in sync with this primitive limbic cycle. He wants more sex, she wants more affection. The sex grows mechanical as no one is completely satisfied on SOME level. What happens then is emotional distancing as in, my partner is not meeting my needs, or increased use of porn, which just makes a desensitized brain even more numb, or the novelty of a new partner, which spikes the dopamine! It is thought to contribute dramatically to "the grass is greener elsewhere" cycle. Amazing to think brain chemicals can wreak such havoc on our relationships. Also interesting to note, that certain cultures and religions keep the married partners separate physically for almost two weeks every month!. No matter what reasons are given for it, it is interesting to note that sexual desire DOES grow with separation. It also may explain the juice given by affairs with the constant uncertainty of seeing and being with your new partner. Thoughts anyone? Edited May 17, 2010 by Spark1111 Forgot something
Author Spark1111 Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 Wow, another thread has made a left and is talking about sexless marriages, but there is yet to be a response here. Should I move this to the marriage forum? Can anyone tell me how to do that?
carhill Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Just start a similar thread there. I absolutely believe sexual 'frustration' is rooted in chemistry. Our brains are an electro-chemical machine. In myself, I see a direct correlation between sensory inputs of intimacy (aural, visual, touch) and sexual desire. I can over-ride with intellect, but the underlying 'feeling' is still there. I successfully practiced it again this weekend, employing even stronger boundaries, and experienced the full effects of the sexual frustration. Great stuff.
OWoman Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Okay, just read an interesting article on a psychology website that speaks of our primitive limbic brain and its reward circuitry. Could you post a link, or a reference? I'm sure it would be within the TOS... I'd like to read more about that! Couples are rarely in sync with this primitive limbic cycle. He wants more sex, she wants more affection. The sex grows mechanical as no one is completely satisfied on SOME level. Interesting notion. I wonder how it ties in with the "mating in captivity" thesis propounded by Esther Perel, which has an emotional / social rather than a physiological basis for the same outcome... (I also wonder whether this is a gradual onset thing, or something which manifests from the outset?) Also interesting to note, that certain cultures and religions keep the married partners separate physically for almost two weeks every month!. No matter what reasons are given for it, it is interesting to note that sexual desire DOES grow with separation. The Perel argument is that desire thrives on romance (and distance / uncertainty), while modern M is all about intimacy - which kills passion. So these arguments would agree on WHAT happens, albeit perhaps differ on HOW... It also may explain the juice given by affairs with the constant uncertainty of seeing and being with your new partner. I'm not sure what proportion of As are characterised by that kind of uncertainty; certainly my last A was of necessity characterised by a great deal of planning and prep (being LDR) so that was less of an issue... But there was certainly a good deal of "uncertainty" (or whatever the opposite of complacency is) which DOES keep a R on its toes... and the hormones firing on all cylinders!
Author Spark1111 Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 Here it is (hopefully): http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/200911/the-mysteries-pair-bonding-part-ii
jennie-jennie Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 It looks to me like this article explains why we are serial monogamists.
carhill Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 But again, we have reason, and need to overcome MANY of our primitive urges. And I had a few as I drove in rush hour traffic today. LOL, I guess we're lucky to have not evolved to the extent to think someone out of existence. Some of us would be pretty busy, or non-extant
White Flower Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 The Perel argument is that desire thrives on romance (and distance / uncertainty), while modern M is all about intimacy - which kills passion. So these arguments would agree on WHAT happens, albeit perhaps differ on HOW... Intimacy kills passion?
carhill Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Intimacy kills passion? It sure did for stbx. I could see it evolving. Everyone's experiences are different. If one fears intimacy, the response is flight. Libido change is part of that flight. Typical behaviors like intimate conversation and sharing of feelings would kill her libido. 'Why can't you just be a normal man and f*ck me and go to sleep?'. YMMV.
White Flower Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 It sure did for stbx. I could see it evolving. Everyone's experiences are different. If one fears intimacy, the response is flight. Libido change is part of that flight. Typical behaviors like intimate conversation and sharing of feelings would kill her libido. 'Why can't you just be a normal man and f*ck me and go to sleep?'. YMMV. I see, thanks for explaining carhill. I'd like to hear OWoman's response too. For MM and myself, intimacy is what heightened the passion, but then again we didn't fear it. I think he was looking for it his whole life. In fact, I was too.
Lovelybird Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 It also may explain the juice given by affairs with the constant uncertainty of seeing and being with your new partner. Thoughts anyone? On some degree I would agree. But depends on people. Some people cannot revive their love for a fixed partner, they lack of such ability, because they themselves lack of the depth and refuse to look inside of themselves, they go superficial, so they go for affair after affair, to seek that "high", and addicted to it. so the OW or OM are the sacrifices of these people seeking for new high, but these OW OM themselves are willing But for some people, they not only develop and improve themselves and become deeper person, nuture the ability to love (different from what many people think love is), but also they can see the dynamics in other person, the longer they stay together, the longer they find each other more beautiful, they don't see the other person unchanging and boring, but can constantly find new things about that person. There aren't many couples can do this, but there are.
carhill Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 What is YMMV? YMMV = your mileage may vary = your experiences may differ
White Flower Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 YMMV = your mileage may vary = your experiences may differ Ah! Thank you kind sir.
Lovelybird Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 (edited) Some people fear intimacy. Intimacy = to be known in all levels, no hiding, not fear to be vulnerable These people don't like themselves or don't achieve peaceful relationship with themselves, so they don't want others to know the real thing. they do desire intimacy, but fear often beat such desire Sexual frustration maybe is the frustration of the person failed to develop himself, failed to see the relationship beyond flesh, failed to develop deeper love. Can they admit they failed to develop deeper love for the person? No, they blame their partner, so the grass is greener Edited May 18, 2010 by Lovelybird
White Flower Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Some people fear intimacy. Intimacy = to be known in all levels, no hiding, not fear to be vulnerable These people don't like themselves or don't achieve peaceful relationship with themselves, so they don't want others to know the real thing. they do desire intimacy, but fear often beat such desireI think you sum it up pretty well. I also think it takes great courage to bare yourself completely like that. The greatest reward after baring your soul like that is to be loved even more deeply.
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