darkshadow Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Hi everyone, this is pretty long... Im having a major hard time. This is the first time in my life where i'm totally lost. I met this girl at a club about 3 1/2 months ago. Right when we saw each other we always kept on looking. She would look and then me again and so on. We talked later on that night but then i somehow lost out of sight. I only knew her name and where she was from so when i got home i searched entire Facebook to find her and actually did. We met for a drink and thats how everything got started. The next day i wrote her that i enjoyed the evening and she said her too and that next weekend she didn't have anything planned. After meeting for about 3-4 times she said how about going on vacation together but then she said no cause she didn't want to pressure me. I said no i'd like to. From the beginning she always said she wanted to take it slow and that she's never really had a long term relationship. I was really looking forward to our vacation. I was like a child in a candy store. I counted the days, hours and minutes. I even installed a count down on my Facebook profile. A week before our vacation we were at the lake and had such a nice time. When i took her home we talked like for an hour in the car and kissed. Im not such a good kisser so she told me how she liked it. I was embarrassed and had to laugh in between. The next day she said that my laughing in between wasn't very romantic but she can understand that it was weird for me but i learned really fast and it was almost perfect. She added that she had a great time. A few days before we were suppose to fly the Vulcan in Iceland erupted, i'm sure some of you probably heard about that. The Airports in almost entire Europe were closed for a few days. My luck the Airport we were suppose to fly from was closed on exactly the day we should have left. Our trip got postponed to the next day but the Airport remained closed so our entire trip was cancelled. At that point i was so disappointed but didn't know what else was to come. About a week before our vacation i noticed that she was not acting the same way as she had been so i asked her if everything was ok. I told her i felt like she was a little distanced. She told me everything was fine and that its probably because she was having stress. She (was) looking for a new job. I knew that was true so i didn't think anything and was satisfied with that answer. About 4 days before our Vacation i called her and we talked. We had alittle "fight" well it wasnt really a fight. I said i promised to be on time which i never really was up to then but i always told her if i was gonna be late. I never really was late maybe 10 mins. She said i shouldn't make promises i couldn't keep and i was like what do you mean? She said last time you told me you were gonna be on time and you were 3 minutes late. I was like ok but it wasn't my fault and 3 mins come on. Then she said 3 mins are 3 mins. She was thought that when her parents told her to be home at 1 then she had to be home at 1 and 1 min after was to late. I then said ok and she said are you saying it's not true and i said no you are right and i shouldn't have said i was gonna be on time. Im sorry. About 2 days before our vacation i called her and we talked for an hour or so. Everything seemed ok. She told me what she was doing etc... I said i was sure she was gonna find a job etc and she laughed and said that was so cute of me to say and shes glad that everything is fine again cause she was sad about our conversation a few days earlier. I said me too and that i was sorry. Everything was fine and we both happy. A day before our vacation i wrote her a text message and said oh no i think they are gonna close the Airport and she said she's confident that everything will be fine. We were suppose to fly on Saturday. I called her on Sunday when i found out that our trip was cancelled and we talked and then suddenly she said she had to tell me something and i said ok. she said she was thinking about teaching abroad for a year or so. I was like hmm ok and started crying i don't know where that came from. She then said lets meet tomorrow so we can talk about that and i said ok not knowing that it would be the worst day in my life. On Monday when we met she told me that her house of cards she had built up had collapsed. She didn't feel anything at all for me and that she didn't want to see me anymore. "We" didn't exist anymore and never will again. I was totally in shock and started crying but she didn't even have a tear drop in her eyes. We talked for about 2 hours. She told me that all of her friends were *******s and that she was having a hard time at home and she wanted to draw a line and start new. She said we always only met on weekends and i replied we could have met more. She then said she couldn't and i said yeah i know why and she said why and i replied because you have to work and so on and she said no because she didn't want to see me more. She then went on saying that i didnt do anything wrong, i always wrote such cute and nice text messages but i was part of her past and thats why i had to go too. She asked me if i was looking for a mother figure in her and stuff like that and always asked if i was mad now. She then told me that she hated herself and she needed time to find herself etc. She only has feelings for herself at the moment and for nobody else only for her mom a tiny bit. I told her then that i never thought i'd have a chance with her and she replied you were the only one so don't make to much out of that. She has a eating disorder i know that and she always said she wanted to work on her own, so i always said ok. I told her i wanted to help her and she said NO you aren't part of my future you aren't in my future at all go your way. I said i couldn't handle that and then she said ok we can stay friends on Facebook and maybe meet sometime but i probably wouldn't want that. I then replied we can stay connected on Facebook. About a week later i wrote her message on Facebook saying that i never had seen her like that and tried to be cute and said how i met her...just saying that we always could talk with each other and that i was here if she needed me. She didn't reply. About 2 weeks after she broke up i wrote her a text message just asking how she was doing. No Reply. About 4 days later i knew her vacation was over so i wrote her and said i hope her first day back to work went fine. That evening she sent me a message on facebook saying unfortunately i didnt respect her will to leave her alone thats why she had to change her phone number and kick me off her facebook. Thats when it hit me again. I wrote back no she didnt have to do that and that i will respect her will. She then replied and said she already had a new number (i dont think its true) and that she thinks its best for both of us if we end our contact. That hit me once more. I was so nervous and frustrated that made me reply please don't do that...but since i havent heard from her nor have i tried to contact her. It's been 2 weeks. I don't believe that she doesn't have any feelings for me at all. I remember her telling me that her parents were fighting a lot and that her dad always forgives her mom. I know i made mistakes the way i replied and what i said but nobody is prefect and i was so under pressure because i didn't see it coming. She's the girl i always wanted. We always could talk about anything. She's always on my mind. She's the first thing i think of when i wake up and the last before a i fall asleep. The past month is like a black hole for me. My thoughts are always drifting away. I have so much i'd like to tell her. I don't want to give her up and don't know what to do... James
EthanH Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 ok i need to say this with the proviso that you understand why i'm saying this, I'm saying this because I think you need to realise it, not because i'm trying to upset you or be mean. YOU NEED TO MAN UP you are the guy in the relationship, you are the one who should be strong, and it isn't a sexist thing to say that, it is just the way things work. And from your story, you have not been, you have been weak all along. I think if you laugh in-between kissing it shows that either you are very young, or you haven't had much relationship experience... but either way, it is understandable of the issues you are now having. If I'm honest, you are not ready for a relationship, the way you jumped in head first shows that you have no sense of balance, you were too intense, needy and weak for her. You can feel upset about that if you want, but it isn't going to change the reality of the situation as it sits in-front of you now. The only way you are going to be happy is if you pull yourself together and get on with things, it is both the only way you are going to be happy with someone and the only way they are going to feel happy with you. You need to stop being nervous and have some self respect. You need to take a deep breath and pull yourself together. It doesn't matter about her at the moment, if you don't just sort yourself out, there is no point in even thinking about her as even if she was to get back with you, you aren't strong enough to be in a relationship and she will leave sooner or later.
Author darkshadow Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 (edited) Well i do have a bit a lack of self respect but thats cause i had such a bad childhood. My dad told me everyday how stupid and worthless i am and after awhile it gets to you. I was afraid to do something wrong cause she really means a lot to me. I do not believe its my fault, it's never only one persons fault. Why go out with me and ask for vacation etc and then just drop it? She told me we have time, we have each other and our love and everything will be fine... And no i'm not needy, not at all and that wasn't an issue i'm totally sure about that. She said it was her fault and that she was being a selfish *******. She knows she should give us a chance but she's not. She said she had future plans with me. She wants to finish with her past and start new and that i was part of her past. We haven't known us for that long, she even said we haven't known us for that long, so i cant be considered her past, while i was with her she was unsure about herself. She was unsure about how she looked etc...i always told her she was cute cause i thought she was/is. I don't know what happened in that week before our vacation, she just said she talked to some of her gf friends and she sure didn't want to talk to a guy about it. I asked her if she had feelings for someone else and she said no she only has feeling for herself at the moment. I know i made mistakes, just look at my 100 page story above. I know i cannot change them but what i do know is that i can change the future and all i want is to get that shot, get that chance. I miss her very much and its getting harder every day... Edited May 17, 2010 by darkshadow
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