yume Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I'm beginning to feel like he already does, and it pains me so much...I thought things would eventually be ok between us someday, but I'm beginning to lose that hope now... I don't want him to hate me. And I don't want to lose everything we ever had because of a breakup. I feel like the connection we had should be able to survive it but what the hell am I supposed to do with myself if it doesn't? I don't know how to express to him whats even going on in my head.. I feel as though I can't and shouldn't approach him because I read so many posts on here about how annoyed people are that their exes contacted them...I don't want to evoke those feelings in him...so I won't approach him, I think, for a long while. But I want to so badly. I want to even have just a normal conversation with him, and it's not going to happen. We used to have such deep, serious conversations that I've never had with anyone else and it's like I'm craving those. I don't want him romantically but I miss him as a person; I miss our connection. I hate worrying about this so much, because it's been two and a half months now, and I did the dumping...so he has every right to hate me...but can he or will he ever know how I'm feeling now?
Heatemyheart89 Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 If the connection was so good why did you dump him. I'd leave him well alone especially if he didnt want the break up. Im sorry but the damage is done. He will get over it eventually.
teanoranges Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Honestly, give him the space and the time that he needs to heal and distance himself from the loss of the relationship. The best thing (and probably only good thing) about my ex is that he's not breaking NC, and won't, because he respects my wishes. Let him heal and then you can maybe contact him for friendship (or wait for him to contact you since he'll know when he's healed) I'd say that if your relationship was as strong as it seems, you have to give him at least 9 months, maybe more, of no contact. Please do not toy with his heart. If you love someone, you love them. Don't fall into an on-off trap, or make him feel like he stands a chance so he hangs on.
Author yume Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 (edited) So by starting a conversation with him I'd be toying with his heart? The thing is...we never had a conversation that included him telling me not to contact him, or vice versa...he even texted me maybe a month and a half ago saying "I just want to check up on you...how have you been?". We basically just drifted into not talking.. My worry is that by not trying some kind of communication he will think I don't want anything to do with him, which isn't true. Edited May 17, 2010 by yume
teanoranges Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 You are on a forum where we hear of those things all the time (the toying). I by no means know your situation but had to mention it to cover the ground.
drutten Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I've been on the other side of this kind of thing. It's unspeakably painful to have that kind of connection and then to be rejected anyway. The sense of loss and humiliation is overwhelming. I'm afraid that's no basis for a meaningful acquaintance of any kind. By the way, did he say or do anything that was a deal-breaker? Or is it just that you don't find him attractive?
Author yume Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 No, neither. I think I had gotten into a relationship too soon after breaking up from a 2 year ldr... I thought that if I really tried and put effort into this relationship, it could work, but... it didn't change the fact that emotionally I wasn't (and still am not) healed or whole, and it was preventing me from being happy and appreciating the relationship...so I had to end it
sedgwick Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 The unfortunate fact is that when you dump someone, you have to be prepared to lose them 100%. It's not about you anymore, it's about his healing now. You wanted to be free of the relationship and now you are.
In-The-Wheat Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I think you should give him and yourself some more time to reflect & heal... A breakup sucks the life out of you, so I don't think initiating contact so soon would be wise & would only confuse BOTH of you, especially if you aren't going to reconcile when you make first contact - because you can bet he's waiting for you to give it a second chance. For now I would figure out what you want because it sounds like deep down you really do (still) like this guy - and why would you pass him up if there was such a connection instead of seeing where it goes? Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm guessing you got a little scared that it just might work or you'd get hurt. So give it a little more time. Do some reflection, figure out what you want and what you would say to him. When you are ready/know what you want contact him. You never know, by doing some self reflection you could realize that you're ready to get serious to try again with him, but the catch is he may not want to at that point so choose your timing wisely..
teanoranges Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Again, I don't know you, but it could also be the idea that you are lonely after having not been fully healed from your previous relationship so you are looking for someone to give you attention without intimacy.. because you just plain aren't into this fella that way? If that's the case.. leave him alone. If its not the case see poster above via In-The-Wheat.
Author yume Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 Again, I don't know you, but it could also be the idea that you are lonely after having not been fully healed from your previous relationship so you are looking for someone to give you attention without intimacy.. It is true that I'm afraid of being alone...and in some ways, I'm also afraid of him being alone. So that's probably where the urge to be amicable with him again comes in. I think you should give him and yourself some more time to reflect & heal... A breakup sucks the life out of you, so I don't think initiating contact so soon would be wise & would only confuse BOTH of you, especially if you aren't going to reconcile when you make first contact - because you can bet he's waiting for you to give it a second chance. For now I would figure out what you want because it sounds like deep down you really do (still) like this guy - and why would you pass him up if there was such a connection instead of seeing where it goes? Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm guessing you got a little scared that it just might work or you'd get hurt. So give it a little more time. Do some reflection, figure out what you want and what you would say to him. When you are ready/know what you want contact him. You never know, by doing some self reflection you could realize that you're ready to get serious to try again with him, but the catch is he may not want to at that point so choose your timing wisely.. If we were ever to try again...it would probably be in a long, long time....even then, I severely doubt it would happen, because he's got so much pride that I doubt he would let himself be with me again. I'm not even in the mindset to think about dating anyways. So, self-reflection it is. The unfortunate fact is that when you dump someone, you have to be prepared to lose them 100% I know. I seemed okay with things for about 2 months and it's all hitting me now. I can't understand why. I think part of me was suppressing it because I knew I was "doing the right thing" but hell....it doesn't exactly feel so right anymore.
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 OP, my ex and I were in contact and ours 'just drifted' as well. We would check how each other was etc but he would often end up getting confused and snappy with me. We haven't spoken in about 3 months. I sometimes wonder if he isn't talking to me to give us both space, or if he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Its uncomfortable and scary because this person meant a lot to me. I don't want him out completely. I believe life is short and the people that mattered can make mistakes. I don't want to hold a grudge and blank him forever - that is not my way. But I am equally scared of his friendship than I am of losing him forever. I also wonder if he is waiting for me to contact him.
Author yume Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 OP, my ex and I were in contact and ours 'just drifted' as well. We would check how each other was etc but he would often end up getting confused and snappy with me. We haven't spoken in about 3 months. I sometimes wonder if he isn't talking to me to give us both space, or if he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Its uncomfortable and scary because this person meant a lot to me. I don't want him out completely. I believe life is short and the people that mattered can make mistakes. I don't want to hold a grudge and blank him forever - that is not my way. But I am equally scared of his friendship than I am of losing him forever. I also wonder if he is waiting for me to contact him. You summed up how I feel exactly. The big question is, how do we deal with it? It's like...you can't approach them because it'll be "breadcrumbs" but if you don't, what if they never approach you?
sedgwick Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Then they don't approach you, and you have to remember that you were willing to accept this in order to get out of the relationship.
ADF Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 You really can't expect someone you dumped to turn around and want to be your friend. Rejection hurts. It hurts a LOT. If he needs to cut off all contact with you in order to get on with his life and protect himself from more hurt, he has that right. Respect it. Losing him altogether was the risk you took when you dumped him. Also, as the dumper, you hae the responsibility not to gie your ex false hope. If he is like most men, he will interpret your desire to remain in contact as a sign that you want to reconcile. But that is clearly not what you want. Let him be. You made a choice. Now deal with it.
sally4sara Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 If we were ever to try again...it would probably be in a long, long time....even then, I severely doubt it would happen, because he's got so much pride that I doubt he would let himself be with me again. If you thought it best to get out of the relationship, it is your right. No one has to stay in a relationship. But it is a bit selfish to expect the connection to stay the same. Further selfish to expect it to stay till the long, long time you need to feel okay about whatever vexed you and decide you want him back. He is a person too; his needs should be his vehicle. Why should he wait for you?
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