Can a long term relationship without sex work?

[Estranged]

It is not you versus society. I used to feel like that myself, until I realised that society didn't actually give a damn what I did, so even when I thought I'd won, I hadn't. You should just do what makes you happy, and not think about society. If not having a girlfriend makes you happy, then great, don't have a girlfriend.

 

I'm a bit confused though... you said you don't want sex, you only ever wanted sex in order to be socially acceptable, which would imply you don't have sexual desire, but earlier you said you do have sexual desire! You said you're not asexual, and you do have sexual desire, and you said you want companionship, and those things are basically what a girlfriend would offer. So you don't want a girlfriend, but you want what a girlfriend would offer... I'm confused!

 

I'm not convinced that you genuinely don't want a relationship or sex... you make it sound like you've just ruled it out for various reasons, reasons which have nothing to do with whether you feel sexual desire or want the companionship of a partner. You obviously have some issues with trust too, and I'm guessing it all comes from the same source?

 

In a nutshell:

 

- Not asexual as i thought as was... too bad

- Having a girlfriend would be impossible right now. I can't trust them, I can't stand parties & clubbing, and online dating turned out just like I thought it would... total garbage

- I'm not against having a LTS provided there is no sex involved and I can trust the person. But as it turns out, I can't have one without the other. So I'd rather have nothing.

 

From there, I'll choose abstinence.

[xxoo]

In a nutshell:

 

- Not asexual as i thought as was... too bad

- Having a girlfriend would be impossible right now. I can't trust them, I can't stand parties & clubbing, and online dating turned out just like I thought it would... total garbage

- I'm not against having a LTS provided there is no sex involved and I can trust the person. But as it turns out, I can't have one without the other. So I'd rather have nothing.

 

From there, I'll choose abstinence.

 

Don't put yourself in any boxes, or commit yourself to any path. In time, your situation will likely change. You will become friends with a girl you like and are attracted to, and you will naturally grow to trust her. And then, you may feel motivated to ditch the abstinence thing.

 

If you do, don't give a thought to "society". Cheating yourself out of happiness to stick it to society only hurts you.

[Green]

Maybe he has hypothetical sexual desire. Like he gets horny for made up women, or he gets turned on by a woman... But when it comes to actualy asking out a girl, or actualy having sex with a girl he has no desire to do that because of his lack of trust and his fear of getting hurt.

[summerl0vesyou]

UGH!

I seriously dated a guy JUST like you. I had no idea others like this existed.

PLEASE do everyone a favor and DONT date. EXCEPT if from the very beginning, she expresses that she doesnt want kids, marriage, or sex, EVER.

 

Im sorry to be so blunt but ive never been in a more painful and emotionally devastating situation.

 

When we met, we were friends, and everything was great. We joked and sometimes I wished he would date (he was 21 years old, never dated, kissed 2 girls and felt one up, but nothing else). The 2nd time we hung out, it was like fireworks...we both just KNEW we were supposed to be together.. and he decided for the first time in his life, that he would date. before me, he never dated because he knew he never wanted marriage or kids etc. he told me later on that he began dating me because he "hoped he would change his mind", which he later retracted when we were arguing over the fact that he no longer wanted to/thought he would change

' i never said I would or wanted to change!'

 

He used to be a cold, angry person. he said that changed when he fell for me.

Yes- I knew off the bat that he was against marriage and kids- HOWEVER his reasoning seemed like things that could change. He also, although saying he was a virgin and believed only in having sex in marriage, said that he thought we probably would have sex/that he wanted to.

 

Ok, so great. He just seemed scared of those things and I felt that once he was in a good relationship, he would change his mind.

 

I was sadly mistaken.

 

Not that I didnt love him for who he was. I valued him and his beliefs. But ive never dealt with any of these things and it was a tough adjustment. We ended up doing everything sexually except intercourse. He just wouldnt do it. He would never give me a solid yes or no, either. He said he was too scared to say no forever, but also didnt want to say no because he did want it in ways. So...in short..he believed in waiting til marriage but never wants to get married.

 

I fell hard for him. Very hard. He fell for me. We were in love (and though its been 5 months since the end, I still love him very much. We havent spoken in a month and I miss him everyday). we fought all the time though and I had these dreams- he wouldnt even spend the night with me. Wouldnt shower with me. But he insisted he loved me and that maybe someday he would change.

 

He used to say he wanted to change, he said that love changed him.

 

Over time, it became more harm than good. the fighting increased and it became clear that there would be no sex, no marriage and certainly no kids(though Id already resigned myself to not having them, if it meant I could have him forever). I knew it would be hard enough just to get him to be okay with marriage. I begged just for him to spend the night, i told him thats all i needed and if he did that, i would stop asking for everything else. he still refused. I wondered what was so wrong with me that he wouldnt even spend the night. he loved me- so he said, so why couldnt he just sleep next to me? I had my own dorm. he would be sexual with me but then leave at 6-7AM only to drive 40 min back to his house, and come back the next day in the afternoon. he literally went home just to sleep, and he had 500 different excuses.

I now see he just has intimacy issues but thats besides the point. I started hating myself, and tried losing weight in desperate ways. I never felt so bad about myself in my life. I just wanted to do whatever it took to make him see i was worth those things- and i never realized that it was HIS problem.

 

He told me he would stay with me forever, If I didnt leave.

But he said he would not get married.

What was I doing wrong? I always wondered. Why am I good enough to be with forever but no solid commitment there? No becoming one. why?

 

Ive always wanted to get married and I certainly dont want to be sexless all of my life..Im young.. I recognize theres others out there. But i told him that id consider not getting married if he'd have sex someday etc. Although it was not what I wanted at all.

And after I broke up with him out of impulse, 30 minutes later I was begging to be back together...he led me on for 4 mths and acted like there was a chance hed come back. he would still kiss me and we said we love each other but finally he said he doesnt think hell change and he wants me to find someone better.

He watched me cry for 4 mths, and would always just say he was sorry and that I deserve better. then would come back the next night and make out with me again, and Id cry again.

"i dont need sex, sleeping over or marriage ever, I just want to actually be your gf again"

No...refused, as usual. he would act like my bf, but would not just be with me cuz he said he didnt want me to regret never getting married etc when im older.

Until we decided to just break it off for good, 6 weeks ago now. Its been a month since we actually spoke to each other now.

BTW- its definitely not because im not attractive.. I was a model and he always told me I was beautiful, I knew he was attracted.

 

He had a bad childhood, and i just always assumed if I showed him love, he could change.but like YOU he just wallows in his "bad childhood"

GUESS WHAT! I had a bad childhood too! I was raped by my own father who then killed himself when charges were brought up! Ive NEVER had any type of normal life growing up, i was picked on and hurt more than i could count.

YOU DONT LET IT MAKE YOU A VICTIM. i was neglected, abused. GUESS WHAT LIFE GOES ON! dont let it MAKE you. MAKE YOURSELF.

Im 21 years old and I am a successful nursing student. Nobody would have ever guessed what I would do with my life. Nobody knew how strong I would be, how successful.

Freaking grow up and stop complaining. UGH. you wont ever achieve any greatness if you wallow in the past.

I will find true love and lead the life i want because I refuse to continue the pattern of my childhood.

if you let it victimize you, you will have a bad life. Go figure.

 

Point of my long story? Unless you can change, please dont date. Love is about closeness- and unless youre willing to be close in EVERYWAY, it is NOT worth it. why even bother! Its all or nothing. Seriously. being halfway in a relationship, or only giving half of yourself is a child hiding in fear, its a cop out.

 

On a less mean note, get/continue getting help. my ex refused to go to counseling because he said talking about things only made it worse. GET HELP. i cant emphasize it enough. your thinking (no offense) is not right. its one thing to not want marriage or sex because you simply arent interested..your reasons show psychological distress. these can be addressed. if you want. Why not live the best life that you can? youve been through enough..dont keep torturing yourself because others did it to you.

i know you wont change overnight, but you owe it to yourself to try.

Edited May 19, 2010 by summerl0vesyou

[Green]

He had a bad childhood, and i just always assumed if I showed him love, he could change.but like YOU he just wallows in his "bad childhood"

GUESS WHAT! I had a bad childhood too! I was raped by my own father who then killed himself when charges were brought up! Ive NEVER had any type of normal life growing up, i was picked on and hurt more than i could count.

YOU DONT LET IT MAKE YOU A VICTIM. i was neglected, abused. GUESS WHAT LIFE GOES ON! dont let it MAKE you. MAKE YOURSELF.

Im 21 years old and I am a successful nursing student. Nobody would have ever guessed what I would do with my life. Nobody knew how strong I would be, how successful.

Freaking grow up and stop complaining. UGH. you wont ever achieve any greatness if you wallow in the past.

I will find true love and lead the life i want because I refuse to continue the pattern of my childhood.

if you let it victimize you, you will have a bad life. Go figure.

 

Point of my long story? Unless you can change, please dont date. Love is about closeness- and unless youre willing to be close in EVERYWAY, it is NOT worth it. why even bother! Its all or nothing. Seriously. being halfway in a relationship, or only giving half of yourself is a child hiding in fear, its a cop out.

 

On a less mean note, get/continue getting help. my ex refused to go to counseling because he said talking about things only made it worse. GET HELP.

 

Good for you leaving that guy and going on to do good things with your life.

 

There is a chance that this guy would change his tune if he actualy had a gf. I really think women need to feel wanted, and yes they need sex. The way this guy is now your story is the best case scenario he can hope for.

[Estranged]

UGH!

I seriously dated a guy JUST like you. I had no idea others like this existed.

PLEASE do everyone a favor and DONT date. EXCEPT if from the very beginning, she expresses that she doesnt want kids, marriage, or sex, EVER.

 

Im sorry to be so blunt but ive never been in a more painful and emotionally devastating situation.

 

When we met, we were friends, and everything was great. We joked and sometimes I wished he would date (he was 21 years old, never dated, kissed 2 girls and felt one up, but nothing else). The 2nd time we hung out, it was like fireworks...we both just KNEW we were supposed to be together.. and he decided for the first time in his life, that he would date. before me, he never dated because he knew he never wanted marriage or kids etc. he told me later on that he began dating me because he "hoped he would change his mind", which he later retracted when we were arguing over the fact that he no longer wanted to/thought he would change

' i never said I would or wanted to change!'

 

He used to be a cold, angry person. he said that changed when he fell for me.

Yes- I knew off the bat that he was against marriage and kids- HOWEVER his reasoning seemed like things that could change. He also, although saying he was a virgin and believed only in having sex in marriage, said that he thought we probably would have sex/that he wanted to.

 

Ok, so great. He just seemed scared of those things and I felt that once he was in a good relationship, he would change his mind.

 

I was sadly mistaken.

 

Not that I didnt love him for who he was. I valued him and his beliefs. But ive never dealt with any of these things and it was a tough adjustment. We ended up doing everything sexually except intercourse. He just wouldnt do it. He would never give me a solid yes or no, either. He said he was too scared to say no forever, but also didnt want to say no because he did want it in ways. So...in short..he believed in waiting til marriage but never wants to get married.

 

I fell hard for him. Very hard. He fell for me. We were in love (and though its been 5 months since the end, I still love him very much. We havent spoken in a month and I miss him everyday). we fought all the time though and I had these dreams- he wouldnt even spend the night with me. Wouldnt shower with me. But he insisted he loved me and that maybe someday he would change.

 

He used to say he wanted to change, he said that love changed him.

 

Over time, it became more harm than good. the fighting increased and it became clear that there would be no sex, no marriage and certainly no kids(though Id already resigned myself to not having them, if it meant I could have him forever). I knew it would be hard enough just to get him to be okay with marriage. I begged just for him to spend the night, i told him thats all i needed and if he did that, i would stop asking for everything else. he still refused. I wondered what was so wrong with me that he wouldnt even spend the night. he loved me- so he said, so why couldnt he just sleep next to me? I had my own dorm. he would be sexual with me but then leave at 6-7AM only to drive 40 min back to his house, and come back the next day in the afternoon. he literally went home just to sleep, and he had 500 different excuses.

I now see he just has intimacy issues but thats besides the point. I started hating myself, and tried losing weight in desperate ways. I never felt so bad about myself in my life. I just wanted to do whatever it took to make him see i was worth those things- and i never realized that it was HIS problem.

 

He told me he would stay with me forever, If I didnt leave.

But he said he would not get married.

What was I doing wrong? I always wondered. Why am I good enough to be with forever but no solid commitment there? No becoming one. why?

 

Ive always wanted to get married and I certainly dont want to be sexless all of my life..Im young.. I recognize theres others out there. But i told him that id consider not getting married if he'd have sex someday etc. Although it was not what I wanted at all.

And after I broke up with him out of impulse, 30 minutes later I was begging to be back together...he led me on for 4 mths and acted like there was a chance hed come back. he would still kiss me and we said we love each other but finally he said he doesnt think hell change and he wants me to find someone better.

He watched me cry for 4 mths, and would always just say he was sorry and that I deserve better. then would come back the next night and make out with me again, and Id cry again.

"i dont need sex, sleeping over or marriage ever, I just want to actually be your gf again"

No...refused, as usual. he would act like my bf, but would not just be with me cuz he said he didnt want me to regret never getting married etc when im older.

Until we decided to just break it off for good, 6 weeks ago now. Its been a month since we actually spoke to each other now.

BTW- its definitely not because im not attractive.. I was a model and he always told me I was beautiful, I knew he was attracted.

 

He had a bad childhood, and i just always assumed if I showed him love, he could change.but like YOU he just wallows in his "bad childhood"

GUESS WHAT! I had a bad childhood too! I was raped by my own father who then killed himself when charges were brought up! Ive NEVER had any type of normal life growing up, i was picked on and hurt more than i could count.

YOU DONT LET IT MAKE YOU A VICTIM. i was neglected, abused. GUESS WHAT LIFE GOES ON! dont let it MAKE you. MAKE YOURSELF.

Im 21 years old and I am a successful nursing student. Nobody would have ever guessed what I would do with my life. Nobody knew how strong I would be, how successful.

Freaking grow up and stop complaining. UGH. you wont ever achieve any greatness if you wallow in the past.

I will find true love and lead the life i want because I refuse to continue the pattern of my childhood.

if you let it victimize you, you will have a bad life. Go figure.

 

Point of my long story? Unless you can change, please dont date. Love is about closeness- and unless youre willing to be close in EVERYWAY, it is NOT worth it. why even bother! Its all or nothing. Seriously. being halfway in a relationship, or only giving half of yourself is a child hiding in fear, its a cop out.

 

On a less mean note, get/continue getting help. my ex refused to go to counseling because he said talking about things only made it worse. GET HELP. i cant emphasize it enough. your thinking (no offense) is not right. its one thing to not want marriage or sex because you simply arent interested..your reasons show psychological distress. these can be addressed. if you want. Why not live the best life that you can? youve been through enough..dont keep torturing yourself because others did it to you.

i know you wont change overnight, but you owe it to yourself to try.

 

First of all, I'm not taking any of this personally

 

Second, I never said I had a bad childhood. In fact it was absolutely perfect, which is why I actually miss it. HS was bad for me.

 

Either way, maybe someday I'll give in to dating, just for the sake of trying. If it goes "well", I'll just keep on experimenting I guess. If not, well at least I've tried.

 

When you said "i dont need sex, sleeping over or marriage ever, I just want to actually be your gf again" did you mean it? Coz if I let someone reach that point with me, I assume I would be trusting her. And if she said that, I would be totally in.

[Estranged]

Maybe he has hypothetical sexual desire. Like he gets horny for made up women, or he gets turned on by a woman... But when it comes to actualy asking out a girl, or actualy having sex with a girl he has no desire to do that because of his lack of trust and his fear of getting hurt.

 

Even when I didn't know better about women and had never heard of the consequences of unprotected sex, what you said was the case with me . I never felt attraction, sparks etc... with a real girl. Even then I only saw her as beautiful and just dreamed... that's it

 

I didn't start looking for a gf until seeing others do it and being pressured.

 

PS I forgot to mention in my previous reply (for summerl0vesyou): my stance against marriage is only related to my hatred towards religion, not a fear of commitment. IMO if 2 people really love each other, marriage is redundant and useless.

Edited May 19, 2010 by Estranged

[summerl0vesyou]

Hmm maybe I misunderstood. When I told him that I dont need it, it was partly true..I just wanted him so bad that I was beginning to be willing to go without those things but he knew that deep down there was a part of me that still wanted it.

I dont think you should be against marriage just because you hate religion. plenty of atheists get married too. lol. Aside from religion, there are strong points such as insurance benefits, and making the commitment to choose 1 person and having it be shown to the world. I know people can disagree about that but honestly, true story, my uncle purposely didnt marry his gf because when their kids turned 18 he planned on leaving her and didnt want her to get any of his money etc. He was with her for 20 years, but they just broke up even though the kids are still not quite 18. He just couldnt wait anymore.

So I think if you actually plan on being with that 1 person forever, its almost even more respectful and shows that you actually do intend on forever, you know? She was honestly mislead into the "you dont need marriage to be committed" Well..No, you dont. But I think its the fair and right thing almost, why not just do it if you plan on being together all your life? Its the promise there. Maybe Im just old fashioned but to me, its one thing to just say "I promise" its another thing to stand across them and actually commit to marrying them. Sure, it doesnt work out half the time. people rush into it. Just dont rush. Way more relationships fail than 50 percent so the rate for divorce is actually lower (obviously).

it doesnt have to be religious. Get married somewhere other than a church and dont have a priest or a preacher. lol.

 

And a bad HS experience, I see where you are coming from and it pretty much follows the same rule. I wasnt trying to offend so Im glad you didnt take it that way. i wouldnt suggest dating just to give it a try, thats pretty much what he did with me. thats why I said though, if you know she wants those things off the bat, dont be with her. I tried changing who i was for him, i loved him that much that i was willing to actually consider it. it ended our relationship. it couldve been avoided.

just be smart if you decide to go into it and if your views dont change, find someone who wants what you want. (and dont want...lol)

[Estranged]

Hmm maybe I misunderstood. When I told him that I dont need it, it was partly true..I just wanted him so bad that I was beginning to be willing to go without those things but he knew that deep down there was a part of me that still wanted it.

I dont think you should be against marriage just because you hate religion. plenty of atheists get married too. lol. Aside from religion, there are strong points such as insurance benefits, and making the commitment to choose 1 person and having it be shown to the world. I know people can disagree about that but honestly, true story, my uncle purposely didnt marry his gf because when their kids turned 18 he planned on leaving her and didnt want her to get any of his money etc. He was with her for 20 years, but they just broke up even though the kids are still not quite 18. He just couldnt wait anymore.

So I think if you actually plan on being with that 1 person forever, its almost even more respectful and shows that you actually do intend on forever, you know? She was honestly mislead into the "you dont need marriage to be committed" Well..No, you dont. But I think its the fair and right thing almost, why not just do it if you plan on being together all your life? Its the promise there. Maybe Im just old fashioned but to me, its one thing to just say "I promise" its another thing to stand across them and actually commit to marrying them. Sure, it doesnt work out half the time. people rush into it. Just dont rush. Way more relationships fail than 50 percent so the rate for divorce is actually lower (obviously).

it doesnt have to be religious. Get married somewhere other than a church and dont have a priest or a preacher. lol.

 

And a bad HS experience, I see where you are coming from and it pretty much follows the same rule. I wasnt trying to offend so Im glad you didnt take it that way. i wouldnt suggest dating just to give it a try, thats pretty much what he did with me. thats why I said though, if you know she wants those things off the bat, dont be with her. I tried changing who i was for him, i loved him that much that i was willing to actually consider it. it ended our relationship. it couldve been avoided.

just be smart if you decide to go into it and if your views dont change, find someone who wants what you want. (and dont want...lol)

 

Now that's sad... about your uncle.

 

I like to think of marriage as a job. I don't want to have someone stay with me because she has to, but because she wants to. Same with me. Each one of us should be free to go whenever we want to. I don't really think that marriage is a 100% guarantee for total commitment, religious or not. Else, there wouldn't be any divorce at all.

 

But the advantages of marriage when it comes to the law are really tempting. So the closest I could get to marriage would be our signatures on paper. No ceremony, party or whatever else is done these days...

 

I really don't know what else to think...