zanetsuken Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Hi everybody. I have a sort of weird situation with my ex. We broke up about 3 weeks ago and at this point I need some advice. I'll give you some background info explain the situation so far. Background: We are both college students. We met at the beginning of the school year and were dating by October. She is from Japan and I'm from New York. She has a lot of bad experiences in her life and when we dated she said she was the happiest she has ever been. The Situation: We have dated for about 8 months and in my opinion everything was perfect. I've been in relationships before this for 4 years and 2 years, but the feelings in this relationship were a completely different level. I was so happy with her and she seemed happy with me. In the 8 months we dated there was only 1 argument that we had. It was about how she wanted to go and drink with her friends. I dont have a problem with her being with her friends, but the parties she would go to are exclusively for japanese people. If you aren't japanese, you're not welcome. I was ok with that too, but a lot of scary things happened and out of concern I said I don't want you to go to those parties because I can't protect you from a bad situation. I didn't really communicate that it was out of concern at the time and I made the mistake of saying, "Let's just not talk about it." It was stupid for me to say but a lot of arguments are what destroyed my last relationships. We went on and everything seemed ok between us, but I guess it wasn't really. On April 23rd we went to a party together. I couldn't stay very long because I had to work that night. I was stressed out that I couldn't be there with her and I asked her if she could come hang out with me for the night. She saw this situation as the same as the last one and believed I was saying "you can't be with your friends," which is really not how I felt. And we broke up there. I was a mess and I went to her room a few days and apologized to her. I told her that I cared about us and I would improve myself and change. Honestly it wasn't something that would be hard to fix. And at that point I realized that with a little bit of work we could be perfect together. We had contact off and on for a little while. We were going to get an apartment for the summer and just live there separately. She was really happy with the idea at first, but having contact only reminding her that we broke up and she said if I stay with you over the summer I will get back together with you and things won't change. So that night she bought a plane ticket to Japan. We talked a little bit, and she decided that we should have no contact until the next school year in 3 months. I asked her if she could promise me one chance if I improved and she said yes. (although im not sure if it will really happen) After that we had a few weeks of college left and have been in very little contact. I went to a few parties where she went because we have mutual friends. I didn't talk to her more than anybody else and it was going well. I think she still has feelings for me as she took care of me one night that I passed out. When she left I gave her a hand written letter that had my feelings that I wanted to try again in it. The letter also said "do what you want and enjoy the summer with friends. When you come back keep enjoying time with friends. I'm gonna work on myself. Hopefully when you come back you will fall in love with the improved me." I asked her to read it if she thought about me over the summer. A few days ago she left for japan and no contact has started for real. At this point I'm respecting the no contact at all and working on improving myself. Next school semester we are working 15 hours together, on the same executive board, and in a class together. I am hoping things will work out for us because I really love this girl and for the first time in my life I feel like this is the girl I could marry. I don't really have any specific questions or anything. I guess I just want to hear if you think something like this will work out. And do you have any advice on how I should act when I do see her again.
Author zanetsuken Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 One thing to add is that it's not a back-burner situation or welcome mat situation. She has no intentions to be with anybody over the summer as she wants to improve herself, and I feel like time for myself and my friends is a good thing too. Plus this summer I will be working in an area where there are only 2 other guys anyways. Unless I decide to be gay I'm gonna be single.
DustySaltus Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 (edited) You have three issues here that I unfortunately know way too much about: 1) Cultural Differences 2) Distance 3) Communication Issues Culture She's going to be Japanese for the rest of her life and so are most of her friends. This is something you cannot change. So unless she is willing to make it a point to include you in these parties OR decide to not go to them anymore, the situation is not going to change no matter how much both of you work on yourselves. She has to decide what's more important to her. It's not about just being happy to have her back when the new semester starts...it's about FUNDAMENTALLY changing the relationship. Who knows she may just continue to use this as an excuse and contine to go out just to spite you. Unfortunately, because she broke up with you it's up to her to WANT to do that. You have no power over that at this point. Distance My ex-fiance was from Israel and I'm from NY. Eventually, someone is going to have to leave everything for the other person. I did that for a while but the distance turned out to be the least of our issues. But just keep in mind that at the end of the day there will be some resentment on the part of the person who left everyone behind, whether it's you or her. The love needs to be strong enough to overcome it. She decided that it wasn't at this point. It's up to her to show you that she thinks it is. Be prepared to move on with your life without her though. Communication I can't tell you how many things get lost in translation from two people who grew up in the same town, let alone two people from different cultures. She knows your feelings and it's up to her to come back to you and apologize for what she has done. She needs to tell you that she is willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work and she will make a concerted effort with you to work on ANY communication issues you may have. But it's up to HER to decide. You need to stay in NC with her and move forward with your life. If it's meant to happen it will happen for the right reasons. If it doesn't, it's because there is something better planned for you in the future. Marriage is not a cure to all problems. Making an effort to work on problems with someone you care about leads to a healthy relationship. Once that is established, then you need to see if the other person fills in your gaps as well as you fill in theirs. Then somewhere down the line, marriage becomes an option. Stick to NC at this point. Good luck. Edited May 17, 2010 by DustySaltus grammar
EthanH Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I agree with what was said above, but my instant reaction on reading your story was that it was all too much for her. But first of all, before I reply, I need to ask a question: These Japanese parties...was this the only time she went out and you weren't able to go with her? On the whole, when she went out, did you go?
Author zanetsuken Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 To DustySaltus: I think that's the best advice I've heard and I think you're absolutely right. The cultural differences will always be a huge obstacle and I can't really change a persons mind. I have no power over the situation and only the option I have is to decide what I want to do if she is willing to try. I don't really feel like I'm being used or in a power struggle, but I would like to work things out someday. As far as the distance goes, regardless of if we stay together or not I will move to Japan to teach english after the next school year. It's always been a big dream of mine and I've already accepted and experienced the racism to a small extent. And for marriage, I want to make sure this won't be a continuing issue and that we can be happy together before I consider it again. What you said really helped me to organize my thoughts and feelings. I can be a little more relaxed about it now. Even if things don't work out for us I'm glad to hear your advice. Thanks a lot for replying. To EthanH: The Japanese parties were the only time that she excluded me from going. I found out later that it was because a lot of the other Japanese people didn't like to be around white people while drinking. She was both trying to protect me from having a bad experience and also trying to remain friends with the small community of Japanese people. I think that by spending time with me she missed Japan and people of the same culture. I think it was one of the biggest reasons why she wanted to go to the parties, and quite possibly why she went to Japan for the summer. But to answer your question, she was really open to going out anywhere else with me, and we did go to a lot of other places together. The only exception was the Japanese drinking parties.
EthanH Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 (edited) ok your answer was exactly what i expected, and shows part of the reason (although I'm sure not all) for why it didn't work... You were clingy to her. The fact you had an issue with the only time she went out without you proves this. Can't you see that sometimes people need to socialise in their own crowd?...with people other than their bf/gf? It was too intense, and you might want to make excuses, but the fact you had an issue with her going to these Japanese parties shows more than the issue itself, it shows how you saw her, the relationship, and yourself. I don't know if you have a chance with her, but I do know you need to think about this specific issue seriously, because if not, it will be an issue for you in the future. You need to give the one you are with space. You aren't joined at the hip. You are still young, and part of what is great about being young is being in a couple and having your own experiences and then laughing/getting excited about them when you tell the one you are with. It's the zest of being young, and you stunted it from her. I think you have to accept that part of the reason she might have wanted to go to these parties was specifically to spend time with other people, and don't take that as a bad thing, it is perfectly healthy, just because people want to spend time away from you, it doesn't mean they don't like you, normally it is quite the opposite. Also, am I right in thinking that the same was true for you, did you ever socialise without her? and if you did, can you not see that it wasn't that you didn't like her, it was that you just liked socialising in a different group? You need to also look at why you had an issue with it...sounds like you were pretty controlling, you say you needed to look after her, but she isn't a kid, she is a woman who should be able to take care of herself. Did you trust her or were you so insecure that you had doubts? You need to think about this before you even get to the stage of thinking of being back with her, or anyone else for that matter. Edited May 17, 2010 by EthanH
Author zanetsuken Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 To EthanH: I can see that you're right. A part of me still wants to defend my choice based on circumstances, but if I really want to change I need to accept it and work on it. In my letter to her I asked her to spend a lot of time with her friends and for herself. I also said I wanted her to do what she wants always and I apologized that I held her back from it. I have been thinking of ways to deal with my feelings more and change this about myself. I was ok with her going to parties by herself for a while. The reason that I had an issue with it was because one night I heard terrible things about one of the parties. In the Japanese community sexual harassment is taken very lightly from a girls perspective. For example: At one Japanese drinking party a female friend of my ex's helped a drunk Japanese guy walk home and she was sexually harassed. The day after she forgave him and nobody made a big deal about it. I know that my ex was faithful and could take care of herself, but my issue was that I worried about something happening to her. I realize now that it's myself that needs to learn to accept it. I can say I will be ok with it, but I would like to be sure I have changed. Since we have broken up she has gone to a lot of these parties and I worry for her... that's something that's hard to change. So far my strategy for coping is just to tell myself if something happens to her, I'll support her. Do you think I'm moving in the right direction, or do you see the clinginess problem as something deeper?
jellysandwich Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 (edited) So far my strategy for coping is just to tell myself if something happens to her, I'll support her. Do you think I'm moving in the right direction, or do you see the clinginess problem as something deeper? This is not how you should be thinking. You are telling yourself that you will change yourself for her, that you will change yourself in order to get her back. Instead, you need to change yourself, for yourself. Recognize that being clingy is an unattractive trait, and that you need to address the problem for future relationships. FOR YOURSELF. Edited May 18, 2010 by jellysandwich
Author zanetsuken Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 To All: Thanks for your insight. I don't know if things will work out for us or not, but at the very least I have figured out what I want to improve about myself and I'm going to work on it a lot. I hope I can give you good news someday, but until then I will spend time with friends and let people do what they wanna do.
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