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A Kiss 7 Years Ago..now he wants to end our relationship and cannot trust me

4MGSSWM

By 4MGSSWM
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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4MGSSWM New Member

4MGSSWM

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I have been dating a guy for years.. we started out as friends at work.. An old friend came into town and we all met for dinner (used to be our co-worker) I was friends with the guy but that was all! Well we were going for a beer after eating and my boyfriend had to head home. I have always given a hug when seeing someone or a kiss on the cheek.. be it family or friends. Well that evening when we got in my car to leave I said so glad you are here! it had been years and I leaned over and hugged him and kissed his cheek. He turned and planted a kiss on me and for 2 or 3 seconds it lasted.. not some passionate kiss but I was just in shock and confused! I put my hand up and stopped the kiss and he said "Sorry I should not have done that" I do not know if he thought... I was excited and wanted to see him in that way.. or just a lapse on his part... it was just never discussed and very awkward. We drove down the street for the beer and I left for home. Yes it changed our friendship and spoke maybe once a year if he called (he lives in another state) I did not initiate the kiss nor want or think of him that way! I never called him and when he came back into town or stopped at the office I did not see him. The problem is my boyfriend asked a few days after this happened all those years ago I think I saw you kissing.. I embarrassed and not knowing how to explain said NO WAY! Well.. 2 months ago I could not carry such.. he mentioned it again and I admitted and explained what happened, how, my reaction and that I stopped it and did not want it .. nor like it.. and he also knows I do not talk to him any longer have not met if he came back in town for business. He is married and has children now as well. It was never brought up again by either of us. The problem is my boyfriend broke up and cannot trust me and feels I cheated on him.. I have never cheated, wanted, and nothing like that has ever happened again.. I am in love and planned on spending my life with him (we are in our 40's) I have tried to reach him. He says he loves me and I broke his heart and he cannot trust me or marry me. I am heart broken!! I was in a marriage where my husband cheated over and over again and I would not ever do such!! I have always been good to him and cared for him and yes.. all parts of our relationship are awesome!! He said he is trying but will not even kiss me.. He feels like this JUST happened.. and I know he is hurt but he cannot see the years together and how happy and yes very much in love we both are! I am trying to help him and that of our relationship..and do not know how. He has searched online is kissing cheating and other posts and everything is...well recent?? If I could do it all over again.. yes I would have tried to explain 7 years ago!! I never knew he carried hurt or such for all of these years!! Any help or advice??

An additional note here.. my phone is always available.. text or call logs, he has passwords to my email, Facebook whatever I have. I do not have anything to hide from him and it is just open... I Love him so very much!! and yes my heart is breaking

FryFish Established Member

FryFish

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For the betrayed person the day they find out about the betrayal is the day they feel it. Your BF is feeling what he would have felt 7 years ago PLUS 7 years of what he considers lying. The cheating is "new to him"... and 2-3 seconds is a LONG time for an "unwanted" kiss...

 

So maybe you were completely faithful for the in between time... Now that your BF KNOWS about the kiss is the time you have to actually PROVE you were and will always be faithful. Being an open book like you say you are will certainly help.

 

Take it slow though and expect him to question EVERYTHING... Answer the questions honestly and fully and never tell him "I dont remember". My suggestion is to write a letter letting him know that you wished you had told him about the kiss the night it happened but you were confused or afraid or whatever you were... and if you two start spending more time together give him a few random apologies...

Davey McG Established Member

Davey McG

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I think in a similar situation I would have doubts.

 

From your perspective - nothing happened. From his - who knows what happened? He'd be thinking "well, she's kept this from me for 7 years and lied about it - what else isn't she telling me? Is our relationship built on lies? Have I been blind all this time?"

 

If I was him I would be paranoid and making some negative deductions. The fact that you were able to easily lie to him about something he thought was a big deal is something that would shake anyone's trust. Now he doesn't believe any explanation you give and from his perspective, why should he?

 

I don't have any advice to give you except to be patient. I know you didn't do anything wrong - but he doesn't

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

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He turned and planted a kiss on me and for 2 or 3 seconds it lasted.. not some passionate kiss but I was just in shock and confused! I put my hand up and stopped the kiss and he said "Sorry I should not have done that" I do not know if he thought... I was excited and wanted to see him in that way.. or just a lapse on his part... it was just never discussed and very awkward. We drove down the street for the beer and I left for home.

 

see, there is the problem...the night should have ended once he kissed you.

 

 

The problem is my boyfriend asked a few days after this happened all those years ago I think I saw you kissing.. I embarrassed and not knowing how to explain said NO WAY! Well.. 2 months ago I could not carry such.. he mentioned it again and I admitted and explained what happened, how, my reaction and that I stopped it and did not want it .. nor like it..

 

I understand you were embarrassed, but now you have to look at it from your bf's point of view. you lied to him about it initially. If it was nothing, he expected you to say such. But by telling him "no way", it looks to him that you were hiding it because, to him, you thought it was wrong and that you did want it.

 

 

I do not have anything to hide from him and it is just open... I Love him so very much!! and yes my heart is breaking

 

well here you are in a situation, you didn't kiss the guy, didn't want it and stopped him.....however, you didn't end the night.

 

What should have happened is the night, with this other guy, should have ended right then and there, no more driving somewhere else for more drinks. And you should have told your bf immediately.

 

but you can't go back and undo it. You are in a tough spot as I don't think you cheated, but out of respect to your bf, the "friendship" with this other guy should have ended that night.

 

maybe if you tell your bf that you will completely end your contact with this other guy and reiterate that you didn't want this to happen, that he might reconsider. Sorry, best I can think of. I really don't know what else might get him to change his mind knowing what broken trust can do.

 

because although this was 7 years ago...it was 7 years of keeping this from him while still keeping a friendship with the other guy.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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OP, you're both mature adults in your 40's. Accept his current perspective and leave him alone. He feels how he feels, whether justified or not. Personally I think he's over-reacting but that's me. Regardless, he owns his feelings and perspective. So do you. If they're not compatible right now, they're not.

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4MGSSWM New Member

4MGSSWM

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I respect and understand what you all have said.. I guess that is the point I am at and I have been here, faithful and have not left him also showing he is worth more and that of my love for him that to just walk away. I have spoken to him and we have talked.. yes he says he loves me still as well.. I assume he will have to sort out his feelings and..decide if he can or wants to continue a relationship with me.. assuming his divorce ever becomes final. I have no contact with the other person and only if he has ever phoned saying hello or that he will be coming to the office to see all past co-workers .. I have always told my BF if he called and have also not seen him.. do not have his number nor email ..Like I said it ruined a frienship and thus I never contacted him just to say hello or for any other reason or any communication on my part at all. When he ever did phone.. was once a year..

carhill Established Member

carhill

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BTW, what are you doing dating a guy who isn't divorced? ;) The preponderance of LS ladies told me I was undateable while the divorce was still going on, regardless of circumstances. Your experience recounted here matches up with a number of their reasons and my observation and opinion of him over-reacting matches up with those reasons. He's not fully recovered from the end of his marriage. All the more reason to leave him alone. Women have been doing that to me in droves. Hope it works out :)

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

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Are you certain that he isn't just using this as an excuse to end your relationship? Something just doesn't ring exactly true here.

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

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BTW, what are you doing dating a guy who isn't divorced?

 

better question, how long has this divorce been going on since the kiss happened "7 years ago"?

 

Now I'm thinking this guy is a total goof if he was married and has been messing around behind his wife's back. kinda stupid for him to be pissed about something when he was married.

You Go Girl Established Member

You Go Girl

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better question, how long has this divorce been going on since the kiss happened "7 years ago"?

 

Now I'm thinking this guy is a total goof if he was married and has been messing around behind his wife's back. kinda stupid for him to be pissed about something when he was married.

 

Wow. Must agree here.

How is it possible that a married man, for the last 7 years, or more? has been having a relationship with a woman and is angry about a kiss that was short and she didn't even initiate. Now angry about that you lied, yes. But, I wonder, why did you lie? It seems that you were afraid of him even 7 years ago, else you would have told the truth right then and there when he asked.

So tell us all--has this married man not kissed his wife in 7 years?

FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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It's irrelevant because you are single and your "boyfriend" is married and insecure to boot. It's always the cheaters who accuse their partners of cheating. I bet he's been doing more than kissing other women.

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

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BTW, what are you doing dating a guy who isn't divorced?

 

well something aint jiving about her story. She said this was 7 years ago. So either the divorce has been going on for 7 years, or she was dating him while married and are only recently getting divorced.

 

I highly doubt the divorce has been going on 7 years, which would indicate to me that she was messing around with a married man.

 

So the MM has no right to bitch about her being kissed by another guy.

 

And OP is an OW and therefore is getting what she signed on for.

 

You mess around with a married man and hook up with a guy that is proving he doesn't have a problem cheating, this is what you get.

phineas Established Member

phineas

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He could be legally separated.

It's a gray area but some people do it so legally one can cover the other under health insurance.

 

It wasn't for me, but i've seen people do it for yrs.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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Are you certain that he isn't just using this as an excuse to end your relationship? Something just doesn't ring exactly true here.

 

i think this is it - since he's not officially divorced - maybe he decided to go back to his W and doesn't want to tell the OP... so he picks a fight. :rolleyes:

Reality Drip Member

Reality Drip

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The sad thing is, it's 2010 and a LOT worse is happening these days.

 

That said, the peck on the cheek that lasted a few seconds was a red flag. That isn't typically friendly behavior and not mentioning it only draws attention to it all the more.

 

What's done is done. Life is faaar too short for him to be wrapped up in a peck on the cheek. A man in his 40's should recognize this.

 

Not that what you did was right; but he over-reacted and perhaps he was looking for a reason to leave??

 

-Max

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4MGSSWM New Member

4MGSSWM

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Well first wanted to say thank you for all of your replies.. some good. some not so however I asked and was prepared (for the most part) I had originally asked as to advice and somehow it became more focused and off subject a bit instead of my relationship and the fact I wanted to find help or answers as I am a woman in love. For the majority you all feel he was looking for an out and I do not believe such and my heart and that of his actions tell me differently. He "tried" for 2 months but however has decided I am not the person for him and that of a future. He says he loves me and yes we still talk and see one another.. which I will not get into but it cannot be helped and I am fine with it. I admit makes it harder seeing him and not having the feelings and affection returned.. yes very hard however as it was so pointed out by someone I got what I deserved.

I was not afraid of him as someone pointed out however.. my confused state of mind and that of a friend turning a so good to see you it has been a few years a hug and a friendly ksis on the cheek which.. I admit I do often to friends and family however have become more reserved after reading your replies. I never initiated nor intended for it to be taken as something more and it had never been before.. The fact that he understood and said "sorry I should not have done that" be it a lapse on his part or that he thought something other and??? I should further humliate him as it was not receieved and returned in the same? It was never discussed further and I had limited contact if any and that was never initiated by me but that of..once a year I believe an dthat was only him placing a call. I did pretty much block it out and yes when I was asked hey I think I saw .. a kiss I did at the time say no... my mistake and one I will live with forever and the fact that years later when I was asked again and confirmed.. yes and explained how it happened.. with love and also trust that he may be angry... but never thought it would have ended our relationship.. More understanding now and older yes.. I wished I had been able to confront then and ask why did you do that instead of letting it go with his apology.

I had not checked back here in some time as it is already very painful and my heart is broken so some things being written or thought were not easy to read and pretty much made me feel worse instead of maybe help in which I was asking and for our relationship.

Some may say I get what I deserve but honestly I was married for many years and trapped ...and not in love with a not so nice man. I did fall in love with my best friend and could not have been happier and had the future in front of me.. however I have found myself trapped but in a much worse way.. in love with a man that I do not want to leave nor never thought I would.. so I am pretty much frozen as love.. cannot just be turned off nor can he be replaced.

 

Thank you Again for all of your opinions and replies.

jnj express Established Member

jnj express

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You are in your 40's, and stuck with a man who has lied to you about getting a D., for 7 years----Or longer.

 

Yes lied---cuz if he really wanted to be with you he would have gotten THAT D.

 

Forget about the kiss, you got way bigger problems---You have locked yourself into a cheater, who is not gonna leave his wife, for who knows what reason---but I am willing to bet, he can't AFFORD to, financially.

 

He has the gall to get piss*d off over an unintentional kiss on your part---while has been cheating in a LTA on his wife. Is this really what you want for a partner????

 

Time to unfreeze your love, and go out and find a decent true man who will love you----BEFORE YOU HIT YOUR 50's.

Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

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Well first wanted to say thank you for all of your replies.. some good. some not so however I asked and was prepared (for the most part) I had originally asked as to advice and somehow it became more focused and off subject a bit instead of my relationship and the fact I wanted to find help or answers as I am a woman in love. ....

 

Some may say I get what I deserve but honestly I was married for many years and trapped ...and not in love with a not so nice man. I did fall in love with my best friend and could not have been happier and had the future in front of me.. however I have found myself trapped but in a much worse way.. in love with a man that I do not want to leave nor never thought I would.. so I am pretty much frozen as love.. cannot just be turned off nor can he be replaced.

I know you may think this is off-topic and unfocused, but you didn't address the question your BF being (apparently?) married for the 7 years you have been together...

 

Also the way you said that you were married, trapped, and not in love, immediately followed by the fact that you fell in love with your best friend makes me wonder: what was the whole timeline of the two of you coming together? Were you married at the time, as well? Maybe I"m totally off on that one...

 

I'm not trying to poke holes or dig up dirt, but I do believe that the genesis of your relationship and how it stands/stood with respect to each of your other relationships is an important foundation to the respect and trust (or possible lack thereof) that you are dealing with over this incident...

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

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I can see the issue of her either latching on to a married man and conducting an affair for up to 7 years, or with a man whose divorce is dragging out for 7 years will go unanswered.

 

I know she wants to dodge that question and I think its because she started this off years ago and latched on to a married man who only recently is in the process of divorce.

 

She doesn't think its relevant because she was looking for insight in to how to handle his reaction, and the point was that his reaction is absurd because he is a cheater himself.

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