sandiego Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 I'll make this short and sweet. My ex broke up with me 7 months ago. She wanted to get married, I couldn't commit....my gut said she wasn't "the one". This hurt her over time, which I understand....hence the break up. She moved out of state for a new job. Of course, after she broke up with me, I really hurt....and tried in vain to win her back. Over the past several months I've started feeling much better being single. I've accepted the break up and am enjoying the freedom....no more crying, anxiety etc. We've been in contact, but it's more me responding to her texts/calls. I no longer feel the need to initiate. My question....since I think I'm pretty much over it, should I meet with her? I think I can handle it, and have no expectations other than to be civil and show her I hold no ill feelings/resentment. However, I would hate it if somehow my feeling for her come rushing back.....I don't want to stifle my healing. Any advice would be appreciated!
Ronni_W Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 My question....since I think I'm pretty much over it, should I meet with her? I think I can handle it, and have no expectations other than to be civil and show her I hold no ill feelings/resentment. However, I would hate it if somehow my feeling for her come rushing back I think you could also consider the potential impact on her. What if your being so anxious to "show no ill feelings" (prove to yourself how noble/forgiving you are, and/or how well you're moving on???) will actually set her back, even if it does not do that to you? What if your mere invitation to get together will give her false hope? At very least, be really, super honest and clear with her about any self-interested intentions and your current feelings/lack of romantic feelings (for her) BEFORE you even ask her to meet with you. THAT would be noble of you, yes?
Anela Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 I think you could also consider the potential impact on her. What if your being so anxious to "show no ill feelings" (prove to yourself how noble/forgiving you are, and/or how well you're moving on???) will actually set her back, even if it does not do that to you? What if your mere invitation to get together will give her false hope? At very least, be really, super honest and clear with her about any self-interested intentions and your current feelings/lack of romantic feelings (for her) BEFORE you even ask her to meet with you. THAT would be noble of you, yes? I was thinking the same thing.
Author sandiego Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 I should have clarified this point...she is coming home to visit her family. She called and asked me if I'd like to meet up for coffee/lunch as friends (I knew she was coming home but did not make any effort to ask if she could/would see me). Again, most recently I was the one who wanted the relationship back...she wasn't into it...but she still wants/continues to maintain contact (selfish reasons? backup plan?..who knows). Anyway, I'm not worried about her feeling hurt (she won't)....mainly just concerned for myself. I don't want to stifle my healing just because she now decides she's open to seeing me again (did I mention her rebound boyfriend just ditched her after a month)? Ah.....
Author sandiego Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 Also, she has been the one giving me false hope (again, most recently..maybe a month or two ago)....."I could see us together someday", "it's definitely possible"........all the while she was dating this other dude. however, she insists all she wants "for now" is to be friends, and build slowly from there. I don't want to get caught in the friend-zone...this would essentially mean me being available for her when she needs somebody to talk to/feels insecure, gets lonely, or gets dumped by a new boyfriend (which she's bound to find)
lsb Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 "I don't want to get caught in the friend-zone...this would essentially mean me being available for her when she needs somebody to talk to/feels insecure, gets lonely, or gets dumped by a new boyfriend (which she's bound to find)" That sounds like exactly what she is doing....
hurtandheartbroken Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 If you knew she wasn't the one and told her this, what did you expect her to do? Wait 10 years only to see you finally drop her after meeting "the one" and get married within that year? Ok, she dumped you after you told her that, what else did you expect? If you're "healing" (from what, you obviously didn't see it long term) then if you think it'll hinder that, just say "No thanks at this time." It's that simple. That way neither will get "false hope" or risk starting something you know won't ever have a resolution.
Author sandiego Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 If you knew she wasn't the one and told her this, what did you expect her to do? Wait 10 years only to see you finally drop her after meeting "the one" and get married within that year? Ok, she dumped you after you told her that, what else did you expect? If you're "healing" (from what, you obviously didn't see it long term) then if you think it'll hinder that, just say "No thanks at this time." It's that simple. That way neither will get "false hope" or risk starting something you know won't ever have a resolution. Great points, thanks for your reply. I guess even though I didn't feel she was "the one" in my gut, I still cared for her deeply and had an emotional connection/bond. Actually, when I found out she was leaving, I actually agreed to marriage...but it was basically too late (she didn't want me to agree to marry her, simply by way of not wanting to lose her)....which makes sense. I suppose I knew our breakup was inevitable.....just didn't realize it would hurt as bad as it did. Thanks again....you definitely have given me some food for thought. SD
CaliGuy Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 If your gut says she isn't the one that you feel you should marry then honestly my advice is to leave her alone and let her find someone else who feels that she IS the one.
Author sandiego Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 Caliguy, I hear you. The problem is she continues to contact me. Even though she knows I want her back (probably for the wrong reasons), she still contacts me regularly, although she says she just wants to be friends. I'm quite certain she likes having me there for selfish reasons...she has few good friends...and of course we spend almost three years together. It's like I'm trying to move on, but she stays in the mix, initiating contact after a maximum of 7 days of nc. She keeps throwing breadcrumbs to keep me in her life...but of course isn't willing to commit to anything other than friendship. She's 9 years younger than me....and I almost feel bad, knowing she has few real friends (and much less life experience in general). I don't want her to feel abandoned, even though she left me(twice)! Crazy, I know...
Ronni_W Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I think I'm pretty much over it, ... I think I can handle it, and have no expectations ... However, I would hate it if somehow my feeling for her come rushing backshe knows I want her back (probably for the wrong reasons) ... She keeps throwing breadcrumbs Just say "No, thank you very much" to her breadcrumbs. You want her back, which means you're not "pretty much over it." (Doesn't matter if it may be for the wrong reasons.) Your conflicting statements/feelings means you're still too confused to successfully pull-off meeting with her without suffering some degree of emotional setback. I would encourage you to listen to your fear that your feelings for her will come rushing back. Given what you've posted, it sounds like your fear is warning you and trying to protect you. Listen to it.
Author sandiego Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 Just say "No, thank you very much" to her breadcrumbs. You want her back, which means you're not "pretty much over it." I would encourage you to listen to your fear that your feelings for her will come rushing back. Given what you've posted, it sounds like your fear is warning you and trying to protect you. Listen to it. Oh Ronnie, I know you're right. I'm just having a really hard time rejecting her invitation (it's the first she's initiated in the past 4 months).....I'm really torn. Part of me hopes seeing her will help to reinforce why I wasn't that into her. The other part of me hopes maybe we'll have a spark and can reconcile. Then the rational part of me knows I'm prob. just setting myself up for more hurt. This totally sucks.
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