Jambalaya Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 I'm pretty sure I'm turning into a nag, which is not something I like at all. So I thought I would ask the LSers - how do you communicate your needs when your partner does something wrong, you call them on it, they apologise, then they do it again. Anytime you approach anyone with a criticism, they are likely to become defensive, it's human nature. So how does one criticise effectively (as to get the other person to change their actions) and in a way that doesn't make the other person feel 'put upon'?
phineas Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Yea? Are we talking leaving the toilet seat up, dirty sox on the floor or body shots off strangers in a bar?
BubbleFreak Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 I'm pretty sure I'm turning into a nag, which is not something I like at all. So I thought I would ask the LSers - how do you communicate your needs when your partner does something wrong, you call them on it, they apologise, then they do it again. Anytime you approach anyone with a criticism, they are likely to become defensive, it's human nature. So how does one criticise effectively (as to get the other person to change their actions) and in a way that doesn't make the other person feel 'put upon'? Maybe if you give your partner heaps of compliments for the stuff he does do right, and say how much you appreciate it, he will want to keep doing those things and also find other ways to please you. So, when you point out something you would like done (even if it's something you've already told him time and time again), he will want to do it this time. And when he does do it, don't say "it's about time!". Say instead "thanks hun, that means so much to me, you're awesome." People like to feel needed and appreciated for their efforts, rather than a failure who keeps making mistakes. If he forgets and lapses into doing something you dislike, you can tell him again how much you like (insert the opposite of the problem). Focus on the positive rather negative behaviour. Be honest too.
norajane Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 (edited) Yea? Are we talking leaving the toilet seat up, dirty sox on the floor or body shots off strangers in a bar? Good question. Each of these examples calls for a different approach. Toilet seat up - get one of those ugly fluffy covers for the toilet cover that will make the toilet cover fall down all the time. Your grandma probably had those on her toilets. He'll get the message. Dirt socks on the floor - they get tossed in the garbage after an explicit warning. When he has no socks left, he'll get the message. Body shots off strangers - leave him. Edited May 16, 2010 by norajane
norajane Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Maybe if you give your partner heaps of compliments for the stuff he does do right, and say how much you appreciate it, he will want to keep doing those things and also find other ways to please you. So, when you point out something you would like done (even if it's something you've already told him time and time again), he will want to do it this time. And when he does do it, don't say "it's about time!". Say instead "thanks hun, that means so much to me, you're awesome." People like to feel needed and appreciated for their efforts, rather than a failure who keeps making mistakes. If he forgets and lapses into doing something you dislike, you can tell him again how much you like (insert the opposite of the problem). Focus on the positive rather negative behaviour. Be honest too. http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html Excerpt from the article: The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. After all, you don't get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband.
Mr White Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Haha, I like that, I praise behavior I like, but I also immediately inform my gf when she leaves the hairy comb next to the sink. (Contrary to the popular stereotypes, I've concluded that girls are messier than guys)
BubbleFreak Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html It was a fun read. What I suggested isn't a new strategy, I know, but to the OP you might like to give it a try since you asked for ideas. It's behaviourism, and just thought I'd put B F Skinner's theory into context for you regarding your partner. The above article makes the strategy seem a bit degrading, comparing your partner to training an animal, but the basic principles are the same nonetheless and I'm sure most people would prefer being complimented over being nagged.
BubbleFreak Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Haha, I like that, I praise behavior I like, but I also immediately inform my gf when she leaves the hairy comb next to the sink. (Contrary to the popular stereotypes, I've concluded that girls are messier than guys) lololol Unfortunately I have had to clean public toilets in my work history and I'd have to say that the mess men and women tend to make in those places is just different. Girls seem to throw toilet paper around as if it was confetti, but men often miss the target and stink up the walls. Of course there are nonmessy men and women.
make me believe Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 how do you communicate your needs when your partner does something wrong, you call them on it, they apologise, then they do it again. If this continuously happened I would leave the relationship. Why stay with someone who doesn't care about your needs?? Apologies & promises don't mean anything if they aren't backed up by action. I would never be in a relationship that "required" me to be a nag because my partner cared so little about my needs.
Lauriebell82 Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 I think something someone does will ALWAYS bug you. If it doesn't then you aren't human. Phrasing criticism is tough..especially if it is to someone who is very sensitive, like me! Fiance gives constructive criticism, mostly about cleaning. But I have been putting in a lot of effort lately and he gives me compliments now, like that I did a good job making the bed or putting the dishes away. That helps keep me motivated to continue. And if he does sneak some criticism in there if I didn't do something I don't feel as though it's a nag or mean comment, I feel like he is just trying to help. So I think the best way to give criticism is to mix the good with the bad. It tends to soften the blow a tad and not make you feel like crap about yourself.
Frontliner Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 lololol Unfortunately I have had to clean public toilets in my work history and I'd have to say that the mess men and women tend to make in those places is just different. Girls seem to throw toilet paper around as if it was confetti, but men often miss the target and stink up the walls. Of course there are nonmessy men and women. Thanks for that. Good to see some insight about mess in this thread.
hats Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Either 1. give him a better incentive 2. accept that he won't change or 3. leave. I think having the thought, well if he really cared about me he would do this for me, is just going to lead to resentment on both sides.
Holding-On Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Without specific examples, I don't think I can add much. However, one of the best things about human communication my husband and I learned from a parenting book and that is whenever possible tell someone what you would like them to do as opposed to what you don't want them to do. (i.e. phrase it in the positive way) Also the John Gottman books are great for marriage/relationship advice.
Author Jambalaya Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 Thanks for the advice guys. I do praise good behaviour LOL and I am quite good at expressing my needs. But to tell you the truth, my expressed needs of 'communicate with me', 'make time for me' and 'prioritise your life' are met with constant apologies and then no action. This weekend was the cherry on the cake. He cancelled our weekend on a Friday due to a work thing, to which I didn't make a fuss, I simply said 'OK, let me know how it goes' and didn't even get a text during the day to say 'hi, I'm busy, I miss you' - nothing. Sunday morning comes around and I get a text telling me that it went well, was productive and he worked late. 2 years into the relationship and he didn't even think of taking 1 minute out of the day to text or call quickly. No one is that busy. He wants to take me away for a couple of days this week, but even though I want to, I've slipped from anger into a cold place. I've decided that I need a break from our relationship, for a month. Just a little bit of stability from cancellations, reschedules and apologies. I don't have the patience or the strength to deal with it any more. Nothing I say, do or suggest has changed anything and this issue has been discussed again and again, with no positive results that last longer than a week or two. He can't meet my needs, no matter how much he says he wants to. I don't think I'm unreasonable, but as nothing has changed, the only approach I can think of is to give myself a break and for him to evaluate his priorities. However, he doesn't want a break. So this is going to be a hard discussion to have face to face tonight. I need stability and the only way I can think of getting that met, is to remove myself from the ups and downs I'm experiencing in this relationship. I love him, I want to be with him, but I don't feel that our relationship is progressing. I feel guilty about wanting a break, and I'm not wanting it to punish him, I just don't want to feel like I'm second best anymore.
Bejita463 Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 He can't meet my needs, no matter how much he says he wants to. Most important part of what you said is right there.
Author Jambalaya Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 He thinks I'm overreacting completely and I've explained that's probably because he thinks I'm over reacting to one small thing, whereas I am reacting to a litany of small things - the cancellations, the apologies that never result in change etc. He also says that he still wants to go away with me for a few days and then I can have my break and has said that it will hurt him if I don't go with him as he needs my support. It's really hard to protect myself and stick to what I know is a good thing - a break - without hurting him. Part of me thinks ok - go away with him, he's still your boyfriend and what harm can going away do? and another part thinks - nope. I've decided on a break, to go away with him will just dilute the reasons for wanting a break in the first place and it's me compromising again - I must stick to my guns.
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