saltyhair81 Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Right being my first post I thought I would make it a good one. I just need to get it off my chest rather than anything else.... I recently have split up with my girlfriend after 17 months of living with her. We got together at Christmas 2009 and were both very happy. She had been in a long term relationship for 5 or so years but also someone’s bit on the side after that. She was obviously hurt by guys as they had messed her around. I previously had a long distance relationship, that after 2.5 years went downhill and we ended up splitting up. I don't have a problem talking to females, in fact, most of my friends are female but when it goes to taking the next step I find it very difficult too. I suffer with an anxiety disorder which has caused me problems in my life but she knew this before getting involved with me. Things were going well but I had problems at work due to my anxiety disorder (couldn't travel on trains) so they based me somewhere closer to home but it looked like my job was in trouble. I am a home owner and obviously losing my job caused me a great deal of distress regardless of my age. My ex girlfriend was very needy, she wanted attention all the time, to the point that if I had come in and was chilling out after work in under 5 minutes she would complain that I wasn't giving her any attention. She also used to have a problem saying she was ugly all the time and was fat (she wasn't ugly and a size 10 is not fat)! Anyway I did my best to reassure her and financially supported her the best I could. I got her out of debt and she actually ended up having savings by the end. She did have her own issues though, as many as me but in her different ways – don’t we all! Due to my job problems I was very stressed out and my anxiety was getting worse. I was seeing GP, a CBT therapist, Homeopath etc to try and sort myself out. I found some useful but other parts were really not. Due to the added stress at work as my unit was due to close down, I got even worse and she started trying to pressure me into taking anti-depressants. I am very against them as I don't like taking any medication, let alone something quite serious. Finally I got to a point where I was very stressed out, with hassle from the girlfriend, work, anxiety and she pretty much said I had to take the anti depressants or she was leaving me. To make matters worse I got labrynthitus which was causing me huge amounts of dizziness to the point I couldn't stand up. I said I wasn't taking the anti depressants and she moved out for a week..... A week went by, I was finding things hard as I was a mess and could barely cope. After the week I spoke to her and met up with her. I told her I loved her and was in tears as was she as I really needed someone there for love and support. We worked things out but I asked her until I was better, I would like time at home to sort myself out although wanted to see her every day. I just basically needed my space to be ill in the mornings and evenings as that’s when things were worse. The next day in the evening I had a huge problem/reaction to something and was really ill. I went to my parents and physically had to stay there the night. I have never done this in my 3 years of home ownership. She called me up asking where I was and cutting a long story short, went mental at me swearing etc because I didn't ask her to pick me up and take me home. She said she couldn’t deal with it any more but wouldn’t say it was over. As you can see, this is the last thing I needed while being very ill and I had to put the phone down and turn it off. The next morning I came around to my flat and she was waiting for me there. Due to my condition my mum had to drive me there but she went into the kitchen. I can honestly say the next half an hour was the hardest I have had in my life. I was sitting on my bed facing the wardrobe as was she. Her cat (he was living at mine) was by our feet and I had to say between tears that I could see no way forward to sort this mess. She wouldn't let me have time to sort myself out as she was so needy, and even though I kind of needed that too, I just couldn't get myself better without space and stress. I will never forget and it actually puts me in tears now writing this, when she picked up the cat and put him between us, held my hand and said to me 'what about our family?'. I had to turn round and say I am so sorry while crying my eyes out. I said I would move her stuff over and asked for her key to my place. She said ‘this is really happening then’? I nodded. She took it off and stood up and walked out. Without going into any more details about 7 weeks have passed. It had been a **** time for me as I had 6 weeks off work with the break up, horrible dizziness which is better but still around now, and a huge problem with my neighbour playing her music at 3am keeping everyone awake then when I complained having people trying to break my door down! I have been crying pretty much every evening as I feel so lonely and I am very sensitive and have a big problem separating myself from people when they leave. I find losing someone so so so hard. I had been making a bit of progress the last week until yesterday. I went round to my mums and told her about a dream I have about my ex (I dream about getting back with her every night) when my mum looked funny. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she had seen my ex today, 7 weeks after the break up walking through a town close to me holding some guys hand. I blew up and ended up taking off most of the skin on my hand as well as quite a few bruises on my arm after an argument with a wall. I know it's not a great thing and I’m not proud of it, but I had to get the aggression out of me somehow. I calmed myself down, and sorted myself out and went on with the day. Last night she was due to go to her and my friend’s hen night and I don't know why, but I just had a really bad feeling about this. I literally stayed up till 4am this morning, I went for a walk at 2am to try and clear my head but I am just a mess. It doesn’t help that I can see her flat window from my flat either. I feel so low and angry, just feel like I have had my fair share of **** and to be honest my anxiety problems on their own are a challenge enough to sort out. I have done a lot in my life, seen a lot of things and been through more things than most people have in their lives mental health wise. I don't know what I’m really after as I stated at the top of this page, I just feel really really lonely and feel completely on my own. It shows how much this bothers me even though I try and shrug it off as I have covered my keyboard in tears writing this. People always say there is an upside and life goes on, plenty more fish in the sea, but sometimes you just feel like saying **** it, enough is enough. I apologise for the poor spelling, grammar and swearing in this post but I’m really fed up. [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
ScaredHubby Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Sounds to me like she has self-image issues and needs someone paying attention to her in order to make her feel good about herself. I think the end of your post, regarding plenty of fish in the sea, is probably the best course of action. People like this (and I know from experience) will blame things on the sun and moon before accepting responsibility for their own situation, and you are probably best off finding someone more secure in themselves.
Author saltyhair81 Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 Well this sums it up, I found out today she has a new boyfriend, in under 7 weeks from the split up. Nice, obviously 17 months meant alot. All the defending I did and everything else was a waste of time for her. Sorry for the bitter view but I hope she gets hit by a bus. Not a happy bunny
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