trail_blazers_7 Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Hi all, I can't figure out this problem on my own, so what is better than asking strangers on the Internet... I've been in a commited relationship for just going on a year now. We had a 3 month stint where I lived a couple states away but now we live together. Recently my girlfriend has been upset about her and I 'losing our spark' and I have to say I agree with her. I moved back to salt lake city just to be with her back in February and since then things have become routine and boring for both of us. I work 40 plus hours a week, it's a pretty irregular schedule at that and due to the nature of my work I am on call most of the time. She goes to school full time and works a few nights a week in a restaurant. Our lifestyle differences are starting to become much more apparent; I work late almost every night and I like staying up for a few hours after I get home just to relax a little bit. Unfortunately this usually means I sleep until 10 or 11 each morning. She likes waking up early (by my standards anway) and going out to do stuff before the workday begins. We really don't have a whole lot of time to spend together throughout the week and when we do have time off we're both exhausted. I'm trying hard to do the best I can to spend more time together and reignite the spark we once had. We went camping earlier in the week(unfortunately got snowed out so we camped in our living room instead )and while nice, we still had a hard time connecting and really talking during that time. She likes staying active so we recently got gym memberships together, but our schedules are different so we really never get to go together. We really just have a set of activities we chose from each time we do have time together. Hopefully somebody out there will be able to help us out a little bit. My job is really stressful and demanding and now that my relationship is having troubles is really causing me problems (too much drinking and smoking) please help!!
Change2 Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 what gave you guys that spark in the first place? Try and relight that and explore new things together to make a bigger spark. What about doing things that you like or a happy medium? keep talking to her. Find what each other is missing. Do little things for each other, ie, leave her a note somewhere before you go to bed so when she gets up she will see it. Hold her in bed. there are many things you could do, what kinds of things do you like to do?
Author trail_blazers_7 Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 (edited) Lol holding her in bed is not optional since we share a twin mattress!! Bed shopping tomorrow tho... It's hard to go out and do anything since we're on a pretty tight budget, usually we're pretty limited to going out to get coffee late at night(when I get off work), taking drives around town, and taking our dog to the park. Lucky for us I got a promotion recently and a $4/hr raise so we can afford to do more stuff. But it's still hard to communicate like we once did. We still love each other a lot (I'm still head over heals for her ) but all we ever seem to talk about is our jobs. She does have some emotional problems and will get very depressed every so often and when she does I'm there to comfort her and do whatever she needs me to. It's hard though. I work in social services and deal with emotional problems/tantrums from adults all day and when I finally get home she can be in a very bad mood and take it out 100% on me. I can already feel myself reaching the end of my rope. I had a second job that I recently quit just to make more time for our relationship. Edited May 16, 2010 by trail_blazers_7
xxoo Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 It sounds like you are making some changes to carve out time together. That's step one. What do each of you do in your free time apart? Do you each have interests, friends, and hobbies that feed your joy in life? Those outside interests and activities will give you things to talk about when you are together. You mention that your SO gets depressed. Has she seen a doctor? Does she get enough sunshine, eat well, get exercise? You mention that you've been drinking and smoking too much. How does this affect your relationship? How does it affect the time you go to bed? How could you manage the stress in healthier ways? Is it possible to go to bed at the same time half the time, or do you work until after she is asleep? If you are home, you can go to bed with her--spend that intimate time together (sex or otherwise)--and then get back up after she is asleep. Speaking of sex--are you losing the spark there, too? Relationships are about compromise. If you are on different schedules, each of you can stretch your schedule occasionally to accomodate the other. My H is an early bird, and I'm a night owl. He stays up late with me once or twice a week, and I join him in bed a couple more times a week (and sometimes get up later). He naps when he stays up late for me. The other nights we follow our own schedule. Also, some weekend mornings I get up early and do stuff with him, and other mornings I sleep late. Compromise.
You Go Girl Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 You're mentally stressing this situation too much. That's the problem. Let life happen, including its missteps. Don't put pressure on either of you. Chill out on this one...because it puts a negative aspect on what could be a terrific relationship. I don't know, but, if you two have a wonderful relationship when it comes to connecting otherwise, understanding each other, etc., then don't drag it down with sexual performance issues. Just keep it real...and really bond when you have the chance. Be very thankful for the love you give each other. When you truly appreciate that--and don't take each other for granted--the rest will fall into place even if it isn't as often as you'd like with those opposing work schedules. Don't sweat the small stuff!
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