caligrl96 Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 My story is a bit complicated so please bear with me. I dated my first real boyfriend at the age of 15 and we stayed together for 3 1/2 years. We were very happy most of the time though we had our ups and downs here and there. Most of the biggest problems started when he turned 21. He was 4 years older than me so I couldn't go out to the bars. I didn't mind him hanging with the guys, but then he started drinking everyday. I just couldn't handle the excessive lifestyle. I worked and went to school fulltime, but he was drinking so much that it was even becoming an issue at work. In addition to that we had become 'comfortable' - so comfortable that I felt like he was taking me for granted and becoming more selfish. In addition to this a mutual friend of ours, who I thought was being a friend, would point out our problems and tell me how much better I deserved. Looking back I now realize that while some of it was true, it was stressed more so because he was manipulating me so he could have me for himself. The worst part - and the reason I feel I should contact him - is that I lied to him. I told him that I didn't love him anymore. The truth is I never stopped loving him - ever. At the time I just couldn't handle the problems I mentioned earlier. But I wanted to hurt him because I felt like he had hurt me. He begged me to come back to him after we had broken up, but I couldn't do it. I was too hurt from losing him. I didn't want to risk having it not work and go through all that pain again. It's now been 5 years since we broke up (longer than we were even together, I know). This may seem crazy to some but - not only have I always thought about him, I always dream about him. Usually a couple times a week, maybe as long as once a month here and there - but I always have dreamed about him. Typically somethings happening and he just appears and even if I tell him ' but I with someone else' (in my dream) he manages to sweep me off my feet. Lately I've had a sinking feeling that he's not doing well, or something's happened. I finally got the courage to call another one of our mutual friends yesterday. After some chit chat he told me that my ex is with a girl that he's been seeing for a couple years now. But he's not the same. My friend told me how my ex won't stand up for himself or his friends and gets pushed around by this girl. He said he just sulks a lot. (my ex always had a backbone, sometimes too much, so this news is very upsetting) I said something along the lines of 'well, it's been that long, if he's happy with her..' My friend shaking his head 'him saying he's happy and SEEING him happy are two different things...at least you got to know the real him' I asked if I should call, but my friend said he couldn't make that decision. (i didn't tell him that i still love my ex) I'm afraid that if I don't tell him how I really feel, I'll never be able to move on. The guilt is killing me. Every time I get sick I think that this would be my one regret if I die - letting him think I didn't love him. However, it has been 5 years - is it better to leave it in the past? Should I not risk opening the wound? I know he has every right to tell me off. It seems he has moved on, for better or worse. I've had other relationships since then, but it's never had that connection we had and I've always thought/dreamed of him. Am I just being selfish? I don't want to hurt him anymore, but now I'm worried about him too. Of course I'd be lying if I said part of me wasn't hoping he'd still love me. But I can't expect that, especially since he has a gf now. But maybe telling him will let him know that he can be loved? I do just truly want him to be happy. Is this just a typical 'first love' thing? I've never felt this way since. (I was his first gf too, btw) What should I do? I'm so confused.
Change2 Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Well, I would say go for it. Call him. But, if his gf has him on a leash you may not beable to. I have been in your shoes, but i could never find him. So, i can never tell him. One of my sisters knows his number but doesn't want to give it to me since i am married now. And thats fine but it sucks also knowing she knows where he is. He calls her everytime something big happens in his life and she always tells me...which SUCKS because then i start wondering and I dont like going back to the what ifs. So...have no regrets!!!
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