emilyyyyyyyy Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Tomorrow I'm graduating college. After 4 long years of hard work it's finally the end. At first I did not want to walk the stage at graduation, mostly because my father passed away a few years ago and I just didn't want to go through with it without him being there. But my mom convinced me to walk. Now, I've been with my boyfriend for over 3 years, and he won't go. He's actually going on an over night casino trip the day of my graduation with his friends. I'm really upset about this, but I still love him so much. I just don't know if I should stay with him, or dump him because he's being so selfish. Advice?
Ruby Slippers Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 That's pretty bad. Only you know if it's dump-worthy, but if I were in your place, I would definitely lose some fondness and respect for him.
skydiveaddict Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 yes you should be upset. He needs to go to your graduation
D-Lish Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 What is he like apart from this issue? Is this a first time selfish act or a pattern?
Author emilyyyyyyyy Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 What is he like apart from this issue? Is this a first time selfish act or a pattern? Well, the thing with him is that he doesn't like to go to family type things. Even his own family events. But if you bug him, then he'll go. He was selfish over a year ago on our 2 year anniversary. He picked hanging out with his friends on our anniversary, rather than spending the day with me. But this year for our anniversary he was really good and got us Red Sox/Yankee tickets and took me out to dinner. But this incident was not the first time he was selfish, no. So that's why it's hard. He does spend a lot of money on me, spend time with me, takes me places. But then about twice a year he just does something completely selfish that really upsets me. And they're usually big things, like my graduation.
D-Lish Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Sounds like he plans the "big things" to avoid large social functions. Maybe that is something he has anxiety about and does it on purpose? Spending money on you isn't indicative of a good bf- you need to have the emotional support first and foremost. Only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker. Everyone is selfish at some point- it's normal, BUT... Your partner needs to demonstrate they are available to you during important moments. If he can't do that for you, I'd question the relationship. Have you ever talked to him about why he avoids these type of things?
Kaplan Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Did you explain to him how important it is to you? I can see how a guy might not think it was that important. Especially with you not even wanting to go at first. Maybe he thought the reason you didn't want to go was because it wasn't important to you? If you have told him why you didn't want to go at first and how important it is to you than he's being a jerk by not going. Although . . . going to the casino with friends does sound a lot more fun than a graduation.
Author emilyyyyyyyy Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 Sounds like he plans the "big things" to avoid large social functions. Maybe that is something he has anxiety about and does it on purpose? Spending money on you isn't indicative of a good bf- you need to have the emotional support first and foremost. Only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker. Everyone is selfish at some point- it's normal, BUT... Your partner needs to demonstrate they are available to you during important moments. If he can't do that for you, I'd question the relationship. Have you ever talked to him about why he avoids these type of things? I've talked to him about it. The weird thing is, he just says that he does not like social gatherings. He doesn't really give a reason why, even if I ask why. I just don't get it. Maybe it's because he was in elementary school when his parents divorced, and from what he says it doesn't sound like they had a lot of family gatherings after that. But I don't think that really explains why he won't attend my graduation.
D-Lish Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 So, if he doesn't like social gatherings... Is that something you can deal with in a long term relationship? He's not likely to change- so this would be an acceptance thing on your part if you stay with him...
Author emilyyyyyyyy Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 That's what I'm unsure of. If I bug him enough he'll usually go. And things will be great for a really long time, and then he'll decide to be selfish and not go to something that means a lot to me. I can deal with it and eventually get over things. But lately I've been questioning that if I ever start a family with him (we both want kids someday), will he do the same to his kids? Because I would not put up with that for a second, but you won't know the real answer to that until you actually have kids... so it's hard.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 This is pattern behavior, the sort of behavior that does not change unless he commits to making the necessary changes to establish new patterns. It is not likely he will ever want to change, and that said - he will always be like this. Is three years worth the rest of your life being unhappy?
sagetalk Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Had he planned the trip already and you wanted him to cancel it? You said that you didn't want to go but changed your mind. This sounds fairly minor to me since you had to be convinced to go yourself. If he's faithful to you, I don't see the big deal. Now if he's going to go dance with strippers instead of your graduation, that's a different story entirely.
brainygirl Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Sounds like there are a couple of things going on here. First is that he won't go to your graduation. That sounds bad, but you admit that you hadn't planned on going either until your mom talked you into it. If he thought you weren't going and made other plans and then you changed your mind, it isn't fair for you to be upset with him. Second is that he has a track record of avoiding family type events. I'd think it was social anxiety, but he goes to casinos and games where there are lots of people. This trait raises more concerns for me that than the graduation. Third is that you mention him taking you places and spending money on you . . . there's a word for women who stay in relationships because the guy drops a lot of cash. Do you want to be that?
marsle85 Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Ask yourself- would my theoretical husband ever do this to me? If the answer is no - dump him, because why date someone you couldn't see THAT seriously. Dump him.
Ihavenoidea Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 do you really need to "consider" dumping him or staying with him. If you are even having thoughts you probably need to sit down and talk to him about it. sometimes I wish my ex's would have just told me rather than just blindsiding me with a breakup.
joeLove Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I thought ... Conversation was the first thing to consider, when in doubt about anything ... in a relationship. Before dumping him, talk first and see what's up with him, then make the decision after the conversation
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