phoenixman Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Here's my dilema, I've been married for ten years we have kids together, a little over a month ago I find out that she is having an affair, she says that this guy makes her feal wanted and special, blah blah blah. Now nobody in the family knows whats going on, she is not very close with her family, should I tell them what's going on? I'm lost confused do not know what to do, she has told a bunch of her friends and has even double dated with a couple that we know. Her dads a preacher and her and him have had there share of arguments.
Ronni_W Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 What would be your purpose for telling them? What would you hope to gain? What do you stand to lose? There are different ways of regaining control over your own life, of "being a man" (whatever that may mean to you on a personal level), of protecting your heart. You may also want to check the 'infidelity' section at MarriageBuilders.com, and consider discussing the possibility of marriage counseling. And/or consult a divorce lawyer. You likely will receive advice to tell her family, and yours, and to take out a full-page ad in the local paper just to make sure that everybody else knows, too. Control and manipulation through shaming and embarrassing her, is my own view on that. At the end of it all, make decisions that YOU can live with, which uphold your own values and highest vision of who YOU are and want to be. You could also consider that your decisions/actions will have either positive or negative effects on your children...if not now, then when they are older. How you view and treat their mother also affects how they will feel about themselves, given that "come from" her (have her DNA/genes encoded in theirs). Hugs, and best of luck. I do wish happy-positive outcomes for you and your family.
Author phoenixman Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 Thank's Ronnie, actually my purpose of telling her dad was more of help/spiritual talk with him about her, I am actually concerned and worried about her state of being and emotionaly, I think deep down she is hurting and drinking heavy and has just gone off the deep end, I was thinking of not telling him that she was having an affair but that somthing seriouse is happening in the family and that I am seriously worried for her well being. Am I thinking right? or should I just let this play it's course out? Thanks again.
Ronni_W Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Tough call, really. Even though you may be well-intentioned, your going to her dad may still be seen by her as major interference, and violating marital boundaries. (I get she hasn't been bothered by that, but it's still about YOUR values and who YOU want to be.) One view is that this is YOUR wife and YOUR marriage, and it needs to be dealt with privately. On the other hand, if you need help and genuinely believe her dad is the very best person from whom to seek help...then...is it not your spousal obligation to do just that? I don't think I'd just deny, ignore or pretend it away, though. Your marriage is at stake, as are your children's mental-emotional health and well-being. I would suggest that you must at least try to resolve it between the two of you before you take it to any other person who knows either/both of you. And not just try to speak with her once, but on a few different occasions. See if she will agree to getting help for her alcohol abuse, and also agree to marriage counseling. I also think it would be the upstanding thing to let her know ahead of time that you are at your wit's end, and will be seeking counsel from her dad. To me, she has a right to know that before it happens. But. These are just my own views and how I'd act -- or think/hope I will act -- under similar circumstances. You still gotta do what your own mind and heart say are best for you and your family.
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