Jaspe_Loco Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 It's been about six months since I last posted. Two weeks before Christmas, my ex-wife discovered my affair. She was willing to try to work it out, but those of you that remember my earlier posts know that was not likely to happen. I did tell my MW that my then W offered to keep it quiet if I broke it off, but she didn't feel it was safe knowing that her H was capable of violent behavior. She decided to leave. My xW and I sat down one afternoon and laid out all of the terms of the D. We went to an attorney and signed a no-fault divorce that was final a few weeks ago. Oddly enough, she and I have become good friends for the first time since I've known her (over 17 years). She no longer blames me or my MW for our D... she admits that her behavior was part of what got us to the this point. It feels nice to start healing after so many years of hardship. Furthermore, she met a great guy that I'm very proud to say will become my daughter's step day in a few months. He will be here in a few hours to help me lay out pine straw in my flower beds. It's a very unique situation. My MW filed for divorce. Her stbx made a lot of threats, stalked me and her, both together and separately, taken pictures, has others watching us, and even admitted to my xW that he was or had someone else watch every move we made. What really has pushed me over the edge with him is that he terrorized my 9 year old daughter by stopping in front of the house and making scary faces at her... he's done that more than once. I tried to take care of it through legal means, but unfortuneately, the Bible-thumping redneck judge didn't care about the law, only that I was having an affair with the defendant's wife. The local Sheriff has advised me to take the case to the DA, but I will wait until it happens again as it's almost been a month since the last incident. If that doesn't work, I expect a violent confrontation to happen soon. He also uses whatever means necessary to punish my now GF, even by using the kids. It's really been tough for her. Looking back, it was best that both me and my GF left our spouses, but tour actions were inexcusable. Over the last few weeks, the realization that I played a large part in breaking up two families has set in. It's not the incidents that bother me... it's while I'm lying in bed thinking about all of the destruction I've caused because I did not have the courage to do what's right. I've screwed up a lot of lives and I may have screwed up the outcome of three wonderful children's lives because I was a coward. For those of you contemplating having an affair, I hope you will think long and hard of the consequences. As for me, it's likely that I will marry my GF at some point next year. Even more, it's likely that we will become close friends with my xW and her future husband. We will probably all find some measure of happiness, but the damage we caused in the process will resonate for many years, and possibly generations.
Samantha0905 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I'm glad you and your ex-wife are able to be friends. Your last paragraph was a powerful statement. I'm amazed y'all are contemplating marriage. I don't mean that in a derogatory manner -- best of luck to both of you -- it just sounds like you've been to Hell and back. I'm sure not many make it through it all still together.
rewe4reel Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Wow what a story. Be careful, that guy sounds crazy and capable of anything. Now do you have a plan for how you are going to handle things when you start to get restless in your new relationship? Those who cannot remember history are condemned to repeat it.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 I'm glad you and your ex-wife are able to be friends. Your last paragraph was a powerful statement. I'm amazed y'all are contemplating marriage. I don't mean that in a derogatory manner -- best of luck to both of you -- it just sounds like you've been to Hell and back. I'm sure not many make it through it all still together. You really have to know the back story of our relationship to understand why there is such a strong possibility that it will happen. I have post describing it.
Samantha0905 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 You really have to know the back story of our relationship to understand why there is such a strong possibility that it will happen. I have post describing it. Well, I certainly hope it does. I didn't mean to sound negative. I'm glad the two of you are working things out and I hope you end up happy long term!
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 I'm glad you and your ex-wife are able to be friends. Your last paragraph was a powerful statement. I'm amazed y'all are contemplating marriage. I don't mean that in a derogatory manner -- best of luck to both of you -- it just sounds like you've been to Hell and back. I'm sure not many make it through it all still together. Wow what a story. Be careful, that guy sounds crazy and capable of anything. Now do you have a plan for how you are going to handle things when you start to get restless in your new relationship? Those who cannot remember history are condemned to repeat it. I am trying to handle it legally as much as I can. As I told the Sheriff, I can't blame him for wanting to confront me, but that doesn't seem to be the his intentions. As far as being restless in my new relationship, again, you have to understand the backstory to somewhat understand the reason for the affair. It's not an excuse by any means, but it wasn't just because I was restless. I have many post explaining the situation.
rewe4reel Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I am trying to handle it legally as much as I can. As I told the Sheriff, I can't blame him for wanting to confront me, but that doesn't seem to be the his intentions. As far as being restless in my new relationship, again, you have to understand the backstory to somewhat understand the reason for the affair. It's not an excuse by any means, but it wasn't just because I was restless. I have many post explaining the situation. My point was, what is your plan when for whatever reason (I chose restlessness, it doesn't have to be that in particular) you experience the new relationship as unsatisfactory in some dimension? Let's say you're married to the new GF for five or so years and things are getting a little boring. Then you have some financial difficulties, maybe you lose your job. Then let's say your GF/(new?) wife puts on 20 lbs. and starts losing interest in sex. Then all of a sudden a new female neighbor or acquaintance who is stunningly attractive and 5-10 years younger than your GF/new wife starts showing a lot of interest in you. And you're feeling bored, unloved, and unappreciated at home. What are you going to do then, champ?
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 My point was, what is your plan when for whatever reason (I chose restlessness, it doesn't have to be that in particular) you experience the new relationship as unsatisfactory in some dimension? Let's say you're married to the new GF for five or so years and things are getting a little boring. Then you have some financial difficulties, maybe you lose your job. Then let's say your GF/(new?) wife puts on 20 lbs. and starts losing interest in sex. Then all of a sudden a new female neighbor or acquaintance who is stunningly attractive and 5-10 years younger than your GF/new wife starts showing a lot of interest in you. And you're feeling bored, unloved, and unappreciated at home. What are you going to do then, champ? You're question indicates a lot of assumptions as to why I had an affair in the first place. None of the situations you mentioned had anything to do with it. At the time I had been married 13 1/2 years. I had been faithful while cheated on numerous times. The most painful part was that my xW had no interest in my wants and desires. And if she thought something I wanted to do was dumb or she lacked interest, she made it hell for me to do it without her. My xW is very attractive. 5'3" brunette, 110 lbs, athletic. Looks or sex had nothing to do with it. It's more about having common philosophies, interests, respect, etc.
lkjh Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 (edited) You destroyed the guys family and you are shocked that a judge laughed at you when he ended up at your house? The cop told you to contact the DA because he doesn't want to deal with you. He was passing you off. You caused this and you are fool if you think that you and your MW are gonna get married and live happily ever after. Sure you will find a few women on here who are involved in affairs and think that the Lifetime Network is a news channel but in real life your choices are aweful Edited May 17, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
RedDevil66 Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 (edited) My question is, you and your wife have only been separated for 5 months and she has a new boyfiend she is already going to marry and this guy she's known for only 5 months will be the new dad to your kids? Doesn't sound like anyone is healing in a healthy way here Edited May 17, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 Take what you want to get out of it. For those contemplating an affair, even if things work our of you and you're OM/OW... there are consequences, including rednecks who justify violence because their feelings got hurt.
Brokenlady Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 JL, Please ignore the venom of the bitter people. Basically, they hope "other people" suffer forever for their choices. They've apparently dedicated their life to blame the "others" in their lives instead of taking the tiniest shred of responsibility for their lives. The obsessive hatred of "others" is frankly a little scary. Anyway...... I'm glad to hear that you and the MW made a definitive choice. That limbo is hell for all involved. Good for you. That is a huge step as many of those in affairs simply choose to bury their heads in the sand and not choose anything but both. That being said, I wish you the best of luck. It's been my experience that these post-affair relationships come fraught with many trust issues and having a crazy ex on one side makes matters exponentially more difficult. Do what you can to hold onto to each other, protect your children and move on one day at a time. Please update us again at some point.
Samantha0905 Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 JL, Please ignore the venom of the bitter people. Basically, they hope "other people" suffer forever for their choices. They've apparently dedicated their life to blame the "others" in their lives instead of taking the tiniest shred of responsibility for their lives. The obsessive hatred of "others" is frankly a little scary. Anyway...... I'm glad to hear that you and the MW made a definitive choice. That limbo is hell for all involved. Good for you. That is a huge step as many of those in affairs simply choose to bury their heads in the sand and not choose anything but both. That being said, I wish you the best of luck. It's been my experience that these post-affair relationships come fraught with many trust issues and having a crazy ex on one side makes matters exponentially more difficult. Do what you can to hold onto to each other, protect your children and move on one day at a time. Please update us again at some point. Nice post. I honestly could not understand what the OP said that set everyone off so much. It's not like he was advocating affairs as the way to go or anything. It sounds like there have been some hard learned lessons and he was sharing that information while giving an update. The ex-husband can't be very stable if he thinks it's appropriate to terrorize nine year old girls.
OWoman Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 The ex-husband can't be very stable if he thinks it's appropriate to terrorize nine year old girls. The OP did state that the xH was capable of violence - I'm assuming this to mean towards his then-W. So we have a wife-beating child-terroriser being defended here simply because some posters choose to believe that a legal (albeit in their opinion, morally wrong) action like an A is more heinous than the physical violence (illegal) or psychological and emotional harm to a child (also illegal) they advocate. Tragic! JL, I'm glad you've reached some resolution on this. It sounds like a good decision for all concerned, and things do seem to be looking up (besides the psychotic xH). Post A Rs can work out - from what you write, it seems you have the self-awareness and reflexivity that would put you ahead in the stakes on this.
RobD70 Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 As for me, it's likely that I will marry my GF at some point next year. Even more, it's likely that we will become close friends with my xW and her future husband. We will probably all find some measure of happiness, but the damage we caused in the process will resonate for many years, and possibly generations. It's is awesome that you are self aware and realize you made a mistake in handling your situation. It seems most people want to blame their ex's for their lapse in judgments. That being said I am going to be a bit of a negative Nancy about the re-marrying your xW is doing and you are thinking about. Statistically speaking the odds are very much against both of you having successful long term relationships with what would be considered "rebounds". Over 90% or relationships from affairs fail within 2 years and the ones that marry have a 75% divorce rate. Your xW marrying so quickly after the D puts her in pretty much the same boat as you statistic wise. It does work out on occasion but those are the exceptions, not the rule. Good luck.
CrayonAngel Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 The ex-husband can't be very stable if he thinks it's appropriate to terrorize nine year old girls. I think there is something wrong with you if you can go on..emotionally untouched after having your family ripped apart and world completely turned upside down. I find it hilarious that the OW/OM always pull the physical violence card out. So you can't leave a man who beats you and your children and puts them in harms way but you can leave for a dick? never made sense to me! I don't understand why we can't live on happily or post our successes without making someone else into a "monster" OP, good for you. Glad to hear that you are happy with your situations. Its a rare thing, and I'm happy to hear about happiness on this site for once...but please don't shift the blame to her "Crazy bible thumping redneck ex H" to make you look like a good guy who didn't do anything wrong but follow your heart....the only sympathy your gonna get is from OW/OM IMAGINE THAT!
Samantha0905 Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 It's is awesome that you are self aware and realize you made a mistake in handling your situation. It seems most people want to blame their ex's for their lapse in judgments. That being said I am going to be a bit of a negative Nancy about the re-marrying your xW is doing and you are thinking about. Statistically speaking the odds are very much against both of you having successful long term relationships with what would be considered "rebounds". Over 90% or relationships from affairs fail within 2 years and the ones that marry have a 75% divorce rate. Your xW marrying so quickly after the D puts her in pretty much the same boat as you statistic wise. It does work out on occasion but those are the exceptions, not the rule. Good luck. It happens though -- my sister and her hubby are on year 26 of their marriage following an affair (of sorts). I think there is something wrong with you if you can go on..emotionally untouched after having your family ripped apart and world completely turned upside down. I find it hilarious that the OW/OM always pull the physical violence card out. So you can't leave a man who beats you and your children and puts them in harms way but you can leave for a dick? never made sense to me! I don't understand why we can't live on happily or post our successes without making someone else into a "monster" So, CrayonAngel you're advocating a grown man trying to scare a nine year old girl? That's never okay, regardless of the circumstances. I didn't say he is a monster, but if he's beating (or has beaten) his ex wife and terrorizing nine year old girls, he's quite unstable.
Indypendence Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Did I try to justify the affair? No, I didn't. And if you had the ability to comprehend, you would understand that. In fact, I think the original post speaks volumes about why affairs are not good. Their marital problems had nothing to with me. If you took a few minutes to research old posts, as I recommended, you would see that, but again, you failed to display an ability to comprehend. Despite my unethical decisions, law still applies. And the fact the he chooses to be a coward and try to intimidate all those around me instead of confront me personally, which I have given him two opportunities to do so, says a lot about his character. Your post is an example of the Bible-thumping redneck bulsh*t that the Judge displayed. Laws are laws, and if there is no justification for breaking them. I think most intelligent people will read the original post and understand that I am encouraging those who are having affairs, or those that are thinking about affair, should take put a lot of thought as to what the consequences may be. Jesus, get over yourself. You have no idea what type pain you have cause this man or maybe you do because it was done to you. And if it was done to you how in the world would you want to do it to someone else. Most intelligent people don't want to hurt their loved ones and try their darndest not to.
OWoman Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Most intelligent people don't want to hurt their loved ones and try their darndest not to. I'm sure the xH was trying his darndest not to hurt his xW when he was beating the stuffing out of her...
Indypendence Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I'm sure the xH was trying his darndest not to hurt his xW when he was beating the stuffing out of her... That's the OW side of the story.. Cheaters always have an excuse. Who's to say her side of the story is the truth. I bet the cheated on, have their stories too. There is no excuse for physical violence and there is no need to be sleeping around with someone elses spouse behind their back either. Trifling. Cowards the whole lot of them.
OWoman Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 That's the OW side of the story.. Cheaters always have an excuse. Who's to say her side of the story is the truth. I bet the cheated on, have their stories too. You might consider it an "excuse"... but in a court of law, battered woman syndrome is often allowed as an indicator of reduced culpability because it is recognised as significantly affecting the ability of the abused to form rational judgments and to understand situations realistically. Abused spouses are often "not in their right minds" as a result of the abuse. There is a huge body of literature on this.
Indypendence Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 You might consider it an "excuse"... but in a court of law, battered woman syndrome is often allowed as an indicator of reduced culpability because it is recognised as significantly affecting the ability of the abused to form rational judgments and to understand situations realistically. Abused spouses are often "not in their right minds" as a result of the abuse. There is a huge body of literature on this. I'm sure there is a huge body of literature on this. I'm sure there is a huge body of literature on the effects of cheating on the betrayed spouse as well.
Brokenlady Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 You have no idea what type pain you have cause this man or maybe you do because it was done to you. And if it was done to you how in the world would you want to do it to someone else. Actually, MANY BS's go on to be BW. My DM's xW is now having an affair with a married coworker. She spent the weekend with him last weekend while his wife was away for work. So much for her moral high-ground. For futher evidence, go see the OW forum, there's several former BS's there who became OW. Most intelligent people don't want to hurt their loved ones and try their darndest not to. Please understand no one has an affair setting out to hurt people. It's not malicious, just really really careless.
Indypendence Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 [/b] Actually, MANY BS's go on to be BW. My DM's xW is now having an affair with a married coworker. She spent the weekend with him last weekend while his wife was away for work. So much for her moral high-ground. For futher evidence, go see the OW forum, there's several former BS's there who became OW. Please understand no one has an affair setting out to hurt people. It's not malicious, just really really careless. In my world, leaving your home to be with another other than your spouse is a premeditated act to hurt that other person. Physically and Emotionally. You as an adult know what it is you are doing. You are supposed to share those intimacies in question with the person you made a vow to. Terrorizing 9 year old girls and any other child is a no-no on all fronts. The hell I have been through in the last month was not because of communication problems; it was because of immaturity problems. If you have an issue with your spouse then open up your freaking mouth and say something so that the problem can be remedied. Don't sneak around texting, calling, emailing, masturbating, and having sex with other people; then act all surprised when the hurt retaliate. I am in no way advocating that, but when I intially found out, I wanted both this woman who had met me and the ass that I married and trusted to hurt just as much as me. Marriages that are in trouble are just that. Marriages that are in trouble. No need in breaking a person down and trying to destroy their core because YOU don't know how to pack up your sh*t and leave.
jmargel Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 The only thing that I noticed in your posts is your poor, poor daughter. To be put through such drama, heartbreak and terrorizing.. At nine years old. Your daughter is going to need alot of therapy. She's on the fast track for a disasterous teenage years. What all four of you have done to this poor child is beyond words. Honestly you are not being a father. You have put your own wants above your daughters. I'll be saying a prayer for her today and hope others on here do as well.
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