northstar1 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Based on experiences and others I've known, it seems that some ex's just never learn from their past or take accountability for the demise of the relationship. It's always their past ex's fault and they seem to repeat the same mistakes over and over. Is this a coping method for some? Anyone else experience this with their ex's? Where during or after the breakup, they never take any blame for things or see how their actions or lack of them contributed to the breakup? I know with my prior ex, whenever she would talk about her past relationships, it was always the guys' fault they broke up. And during our breakup, it seemed that she took no accountability for her part in why things went wrong. I know after past breakups, I've seen my faults, and at some level tried to learn what I failed to do, or what I want in a future partner. I know the mistakes I made with my ex and admitted them. It was, ofcourse my fault in the end in her mind, and it got me to thinking, if it's always been her ex's fault and she's not had many good long relationships, was she just poor at finding someone, or just never was willing to see her own issues?
shadowplay Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Based on experiences and others I've known, it seems that some ex's just never learn from their past or take accountability for the demise of the relationship. It's always their past ex's fault and they seem to repeat the same mistakes over and over. Is this a coping method for some? Anyone else experience this with their ex's? Where during or after the breakup, they never take any blame for things or see how their actions or lack of them contributed to the breakup? I know with my prior ex, whenever she would talk about her past relationships, it was always the guys' fault they broke up. And during our breakup, it seemed that she took no accountability for her part in why things went wrong. I know after past breakups, I've seen my faults, and at some level tried to learn what I failed to do, or what I want in a future partner. I know the mistakes I made with my ex and admitted them. It was, ofcourse my fault in the end in her mind, and it got me to thinking, if it's always been her ex's fault and she's not had many good long relationships, was she just poor at finding someone, or just never was willing to see her own issues? Yeah, this is has basically been true of almost every serious boyfriend I've had after we broke up.
Author northstar1 Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 It's very frustrating. I guess they are able to convince themselves they did nothing wrong, and this allows them to detach quickly and jump into the next relationship. But surely this must have some impact, I guess a cycle of broken relationships
VideoKid Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 It's very frustrating. I guess they are able to convince themselves they did nothing wrong, and this allows them to detach quickly and jump into the next relationship. But surely this must have some impact, I guess a cycle of broken relationships You're totally right. I have a friend who jumps from girl to girl VERY quickly. He treats them all very poorly and when the girl finally gets angry and gets rid of him we get the same story 'oh she was a psycho, she did this and that wrong'. He never realises that the girls actions are a direct consequence of his utter lack of respect and his attitude towards them. He's never managed to stay with anyone longer than 4 months and is completely ignorant of any of his personality flaws. I'm quite good friends with a couple of the girls nowadays. It's a shame really but I always think with him that one day a girl will come along who he actually likes and break his heart, maybe then he'll look at himself twice.
Ilovecake Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Based on experiences and others I've known, it seems that some ex's just never learn from their past or take accountability for the demise of the relationship. It's always their past ex's fault and they seem to repeat the same mistakes over and over. Is this a coping method for some? Anyone else experience this with their ex's? Where during or after the breakup, they never take any blame for things or see how their actions or lack of them contributed to the breakup? I know with my prior ex, whenever she would talk about her past relationships, it was always the guys' fault they broke up. And during our breakup, it seemed that she took no accountability for her part in why things went wrong. I know after past breakups, I've seen my faults, and at some level tried to learn what I failed to do, or what I want in a future partner. I know the mistakes I made with my ex and admitted them. It was, ofcourse my fault in the end in her mind, and it got me to thinking, if it's always been her ex's fault and she's not had many good long relationships, was she just poor at finding someone, or just never was willing to see her own issues? After cheating on me numerously, emotionally abusing me for almost 4 years, dumping me on my birthday for someone else, blaming me for his cheating, sharing private emails I wrote to him with some girl and having her post them publicly on the internet, asking mutual friends to be mean to me...he sends me a message saying "I hope we can be friends. I'm over all the petty stuff". Thank god this was an email because if he said that to my face I would be typing this from prison right now. People are weird and certain individuals just never ever see their own wrong doing. I feel sorry for folks like that.
Ilovecake Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 It's very frustrating. I guess they are able to convince themselves they did nothing wrong, and this allows them to detach quickly and jump into the next relationship. But surely this must have some impact, I guess a cycle of broken relationships People who can not take accountability for their own actions are usually very unhappy individuals because in reality they have no control over their own lives. They wait for other people to change their effed up situations. Again bringing my ex into this but he kept coming home every day and complaining about stuff at work he could change very easily, but it was always other people's fault. Not only was he miserable going to work every day but he kept losing jobs yet according to him it was always out of his hands.
Ronni_W Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 it seems that some ex's just never learn from their past or take accountability for the demise of the relationship. Yep, there are plenty of those around. But it's that WE aren't getting any smarter, either -- we shoulda seen it coming, based on the evidence, no? The next time some schmuck starts blaming all his relationship failures on his exes, I swear I'm just exiting the freakin' date right then and there.
EricaH329 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I believe that those types of people lack the maturity to take a good look at themselves and realize they have flaws. It's easier for them to blame everyone else, and continue on with their lives. Unfortunately, all this does is creates one immature relationship after another. I feel bad for these types of people. They are usually the ones that don't gain any personal growth.
candymoon Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I believe that those types of people lack the maturity to take a good look at themselves and realize they have flaws. It's easier for them to blame everyone else, and continue on with their lives. Unfortunately, all this does is creates one immature relationship after another. I feel bad for these types of people. They are usually the ones that don't gain any personal growth. Amen. I have a friend who is almost 40 and hasn't had a LTR since she was 23---and that was only for 2.5 years. It's always the guy's fault. Now she is very lonely at the end of her reproductive years and wonders why every man in the world sucks and boohoo she will never have a child of her own. What's sad is the guys (and I as her former BFF) have all told her the same things. She says she really tries to examine herself, but really it's not her! lol. The scary thing is she is a licensed child psychologist! Just note to you all that your shrinks can be more effed than you are going in. eeek! Actually, I stopped being her friend for the same reasons the guys were saying to her. I couldnt put up with it anymore! She was extraordinarily narcissistic.
Ilovecake Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Amen. I have a friend who is almost 40 and hasn't had a LTR since she was 23---and that was only for 2.5 years. It's always the guy's fault. Now she is very lonely at the end of her reproductive years and wonders why every man in the world sucks and boohoo she will never have a child of her own. What's sad is the guys (and I as her former BFF) have all told her the same things. She says she really tries to examine herself, but really it's not her! lol. The scary thing is she is a licensed child psychologist! Just note to you all that your shrinks can be more effed than you are going in. eeek! Actually, I stopped being her friend for the same reasons the guys were saying to her. I couldnt put up with it anymore! She was extraordinarily narcissistic. You know there is a saying that people go into the field of psychology because they're really trying to fix themselves.
GrayClouds Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 In life most people are driving by fear. It not that they are bad people, it just that their fear is in control; fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, fear disappointment, fear of not being good enough. Because of this fear they move away from what they fear rather then towards what they love. To keep from doing this it takes more then just courage it takes life skills that many has never been given good examples to copy, supportive enviousness practice, or personal insight to learn. For most of us after a break-up we have a opportunity to gain that personal insight, learn self love and gain some new skills that reflect what we have gained while other are not ready. So that means take this time to grow yourself and then be patient with high expectation and choose your next wisely based on their behavior. For many people can talk a good game but it is how they play it that matters.
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