LDR / Depression ?

[cmerey]

Hi everyone.

I don't know if this is the right place to post this but I really need some advice.

First off, I know that I cannot help or change my boyfriend and that ultimately the decision is his but here's the situation I'm currently in.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months. He and I haven known each other for a while, but really only started getting to know each other/dating recently. We are currently long distance. He is a wonderful guy who shares a lot of the same interests, same sense of humor, and just I feel, a strong connection with. (The silly finish each other's sentences sort of connection so to speak.) We're both very attracted to each other physically/mentally/emotionally. Things in our relationship seemed great. Until I noticed an odd pattern with how he deals with stressors/or possible "triggers."

 

He has this pattern of disappearing for days on end whenever there may be something stressful at hand. Lately, I've noticed it's been harder and harder for him to keep up with phone calls and I expressed how I am hurt and worried when he does not call. He apologized and was good for a short period of time before he quickly fell back into his spotty phone call pattern. During the times he vanishes (usually about 1 - 2 week periods) no one is able to reach him. When I asked him what he does he tells me he's self destructive, drinking, and holds odd sleeping patterns. He tells me it doesn't seem that long, he feels it's all a blur and he has no good reason for disappearing. I've spoken to him a few times about his disappearing and have been very understanding and patient with him. I told him he needs to try his best to communicate with me as much as he can because otherwise I have no idea what may be going on. Every time he comes back he tells me he feels sorry and really bad, that he's made up all these scenarios of me being upset with him and that he feels totally undeserving of me because he cannot buy me things. (He is currently unemployed, hasn't completed college, and has been deceitful to his parents about both these matters for a long period of time I found out.) I have on numerous occasions reassured him that I appreciate him for who he is, not what he can buy me and that I honestly think he needs to start doing things for himself and taking care of himself first. I also told him that I cannot deal with his disappearing acts and that we both really need to try at this or it will not work and I would rather not force him into something he does not/cannot do. He apologized and told me he realizes that there are things he needs to work on and that he would try his hardest. I told him I support him greatly.

 

Our relationship was okay for about a week after. He was calling a lot more, texting a lot more until finally one day he just stopped. Our previous conversations did not have anything stressful, did not have any "triggers" that I could think of. He ended the call with a promise that he'd call me the next day. He never did. I texted him a few times and called a few times (not too many - because I was weary) to see if he was okay and to let him know that I was there for him. Finally two weeks passed and I messaged him to say that this is over and that I really do not deserve to be treated this way. A few days have passed since and I still have not heard for him.

 

I've gotten a better grip on this now but you can imagine how especially emotionally draining this has been for me. While I know this isn't the relationship for me at this moment in time, I cannot help but miss him greatly and I still care about him a lot and worry about him. I do not want to cut contact with him yet. His home life is fragile and he has no real close friends that he shares personal information like this with. I'm not blaming him or myself any more for this situation and have accepted that it is just circumstances. If anyone has any advice as to how I would go about reaching out to him or communicating with him, please reply. I am not quite sure how to or what to say that can reach him.

Edited May 15, 2010 by cmerey

[cmerey]

Or if anyone has any words of advice in general, please reply. Anything would help.

[Els]

If I were you, I would just tell him 'I'm sorry, but I can't handle you disappearing for weeks on end anymore, especially after you promised to try not to. I understand you are having a hard time and you have to do what you have to do, but I need to do what I have to do for my own happiness as well. And this is not it.'

 

I understand this is way easier said than done though. Many hugs to you, and I wish you all the best.

[cmerey]

Thanks.

 

Yes it is very difficult. I've already told him that I don't deserve to be treated this way and that I cannot handle this and will not put up with it. While I know I am not responsible for him or his depression, I still care for him greatly and worry about him. I wish to at least stay in contact but I just don't know how or what to say at this point. Or even when to say it. (It's been about a week since I broke up with him.)

[Deeblondie82]

You don't need to be with someone who cant even include you into his world. And the weeks of him not calling is not cool. I get that you care still and want to be there for him that's what we have in common. Me and my friend we didn't work out as a couple but everyday I want to get into that mode of calling and texting again like we was when we were talking but you just got to go on with life and maybe he will come around and be there as a friend. All you can do is be there and live your life.

[Arabella]

cmerey,

 

I was involved with someone who behaved the exact same way. We also were LD and he was bipolar, among other things. I eventually found out he was involved in drugs and that was the reason for his disappearing acts. The relationship eventually disintegrated after many months of heartache.

 

What I learned is this: You cannot help him if he doesn't want to be helped. Clearly, whatever the reason is for his disappearing, it matters more to him than YOU. You can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't even care enough to keep in touch.

 

Move on with your life. You can be there for him if he ever reemerges and actually asks for help, but forget about a relationship until he gets himself together. He simply cannot love you when does not love himself.

 

Arabella