LostMe Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I saw xMM last night. *We were out with our mutual friends. I knew he'd be there. It was like old times really, we get on so well. I've missed him so much, and now I have to go back to living without him again. It's so hard. It's just time isn't it? It'll go with time. It's just so darn hard and I'm so tired of it now.
Tsm Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I can imagine how u must be feeling, yes with time it wil get better i know this for a fact. Hang in there
secretlady76 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I think whilst you are still seeing him it will be difficult. Is there any way to avoid these situations? I just feel whilst there is a vague 'drip drip drip' feeding your feelings you will won't totally move on and get over it, or for that matter stop feeling so tired about it. I know how you feel as do many others on here. I think the only way to stop feeling how you do is by total NC. Hang in there.
Hazyhead Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I agree with SL. I think you try as much as is possible to minimise, if not totally obliterate, contact with him. If there is a situation in which you cannot, in any way, avoid it, then just avoid direct contact and conversation. Please don't stand and talk to him as it would give that little fix that you just need to walk away from. You can do it! You don't need him.
Author LostMe Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 Thanks peeps. It was something I couldn't avoid unfortunately, I have managed to avoid any contact since our 'closure chat' a couple of weeks ago. I wasn't sure what to expect or how we would be with each other. I knew I would feel terrible afterwards though whatever happened. I couldn't see him and not talk to him, I'd rather just try not see him at all. He sent me a message on the way home saying how nice it was to see me and he's glad we can be friends...I really want to be. I don't know if I can and if I'm really honest I don't like that he can be friends with me so easily. I still miss 'us' a lot.
secretlady76 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 He shouldn't have sent you a message, that was wrong of him and it gives you hope, as does 'being friends'. I wouldn't recommend being friends, it's such a bad idea. It's another excuse to keep in touch, to keep 'it' going, even if it's not an official affair it is still an affair in a different guise. Goodness I sound so boring but I am talking from experience.
Author LostMe Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 Thanks SL I know you speak from experience! I do think he genuinely wants to be friends so I don't feel, or want, any hope. Other than that I still mean something to him that is. I think I'm the one that doesn't want to let 'it' go but I certainly won't be acting on that. I've just gotta ride it out and know that the next time I have to see him I'll feel stronger.
whichwayisup Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Thanks peeps. It was something I couldn't avoid unfortunately, I have managed to avoid any contact since our 'closure chat' a couple of weeks ago. I wasn't sure what to expect or how we would be with each other. I knew I would feel terrible afterwards though whatever happened. I couldn't see him and not talk to him, I'd rather just try not see him at all. He sent me a message on the way home saying how nice it was to see me and he's glad we can be friends...I really want to be. I don't know if I can and if I'm really honest I don't like that he can be friends with me so easily. I still miss 'us' a lot. There's no way you can handle being friends. It's so pointless! He can offer friendship because he is married! He will STILL pull on your heart strings, control you and make it about him. Only make time for you on HIS terms. Plus, it'll be a selfish friendship for him and one that hurts you, will prevent you from getting over him completely. It'll feed his ego and be an EA, probably turn into a PA again. Best for you to continue to avoid him and stay in NC mode. NC is about you, not him. Remember that.
2sunny Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Thanks SL I know you speak from experience! I do think he genuinely wants to be friends so I don't feel, or want, any hope. Other than that I still mean something to him that is. I think I'm the one that doesn't want to let 'it' go but I certainly won't be acting on that. I've just gotta ride it out and know that the next time I have to see him I'll feel stronger. he only sent the message to se if you would still be physical with him - even if it's in the future. just tell him no - you can't be friends. YOU need to move forward and that doesn't include him... since it didn't work out.
Author LostMe Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 Thanks WWIU. I'm married too. I don't think he's trying to manipulate me, he's the one that ended the PA, he wouldn't go there again even if I wanted to I don't think (which I don't, I'm not completely daft). The point of trying to be friends is because of other mutual friends we share. This is also an excuse I tell myself because I don't want to let him go completely. We've stopped contact apart from these mutual get togethers which are every four months or so at most and I will aim to avoid the ones I can. It's just, mentally, easier for me to think my feelings will fade away eventually.
2sunny Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Thanks WWIU. I'm married too. I don't think he's trying to manipulate me, he's the one that ended the PA, he wouldn't go there again even if I wanted to I don't think (which I don't, I'm not completely daft). The point of trying to be friends is because of other mutual friends we share. This is also an excuse I tell myself because I don't want to let him go completely. We've stopped contact apart from these mutual get togethers which are every four months or so at most and I will aim to avoid the ones I can. It's just, mentally, easier for me to think my feelings will fade away eventually. the more you see him - the more the feelings won't fade away. you know, every time you do see him it stirs up MORE emotions... hence - all the better reason not to see him - not to be friends... if you ever go again - do not engage in conversation/communication before, during or after the gathering - IF you really need to go at all. stop fooling yourself too, you go because YOU want to see him... even if you don't converse. this really is unfair to your husband if you intend to work on the marriage. all the more reason NOT to go. IF you really want to see the people that go to these gatherings - see them on your own... because you WANT to - not to pretend to be there for them while having an ulterior motive to see your xMM.
Author LostMe Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 the more you see him - the more the feelings won't fade away. you know, every time you do see him it stirs up MORE emotions... hence - all the better reason not to see him - not to be friends... if you ever go again - do not engage in conversation/communication before, during or after the gathering - IF you really need to go at all. stop fooling yourself too, you go because YOU want to see him... even if you don't converse. this really is unfair to your husband if you intend to work on the marriage. all the more reason NOT to go. IF you really want to see the people that go to these gatherings - see them on your own... because you WANT to - not to pretend to be there for them while having an ulterior motive to see your xMM. gah. Everything you say is true 2sunny. I'm being selfish. What you've said about feelings getting stirred up every time worries me. I'm hoping that'll stop. I don't feel as wretched as I did the last time I saw him but maybe I'm just used to it. I was prepared to feel bad about it today I guess. I know I shouldn't see him at all, the most part of me doesn't want to. It's just knowing I have the option makes missing him hurt less. But I agree with all you've said so thanks.
pureinheart Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Hi LM, I am so sorry about your sitch, but glad you posted...are you in councelling? If not is it a possibility? Would you consider Marriage Coucelling?
Author LostMe Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 Hi LM, I am so sorry about your sitch, but glad you posted...are you in councelling? If not is it a possibility? Would you consider Marriage Coucelling? Hi Pureinheart, I'm not in MC or IC. My M is actually pretty great at the moment. Apart from this awful secret I carry around. I want to get over xMM before I decide to tell my H. Then I expect we will go to MC together.
califnan Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 There's no way you can handle being friends. It's so pointless! He can offer friendship because he is married! He will STILL pull on your heart strings, control you and make it about him. Only make time for you on HIS terms. Plus, it'll be a selfish friendship for him and one that hurts you, will prevent you from getting over him completely. It'll feed his ego and be an EA, probably turn into a PA again. Best for you to continue to avoid him and stay in NC mode. NC is about you, not him. Remember that. ------------------- Exactly ..
Darth Vader Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Hi Pureinheart, I'm not in MC or IC. My M is actually pretty great at the moment. Apart from this awful secret I carry around. I want to get over xMM before I decide to tell my H. Then I expect we will go to MC together. Why not tell your Husband now? Your husband deserves to have a choice about his life and what he wants to do with it! He also needs to get tested for STD's! BTW, if your husband finds out on his own about your affair, it's over! Furthermore, your husband should know that OM broke off the affair, and not you. Which leads me to believe that if he didn't break it off, you'd still be riding your OM and enjoying mind blowing orgasmic sex with OM at your husbands expense. How would you feel if your husband humiliated and disrespected you as well as endanger your life like you did to Hubby?
joey66 Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I saw xMM last night. *We were out with our mutual friends. I knew he'd be there. It was like old times really, we get on so well. I've missed him so much, and now I have to go back to living without him again. It's so hard. It's just time isn't it? It'll go with time. It's just so darn hard and I'm so tired of it now. Hi Lost, I can soooooo relate. I am (x?)MOM. I had a similar incident a while back. I went out to dinner with my W, my kids, and other family members. When we pulled into the parking lot, I saw MW's car. Later, while we were eating, she happened to see us. She walked over to our table. I had to introduce her to everyone, inlcuding or course my W, who she had never before met. It was surreal. I ended up drinking way too much that night, go figure. It messed me up for weeks. Moving on (so far unsuccessfully) is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I don't have any magic words to make it all better. (Obviously, or I probably wouldn't be here!) I just want to say that I hear you and I understand so well.
Fieldsofgold Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Hi Lost, I can soooooo relate. I am (x?)MOM. I had a similar incident a while back. I went out to dinner with my W, my kids, and other family members. When we pulled into the parking lot, I saw MW's car. Later, while we were eating, she happened to see us. She walked over to our table. I had to introduce her to everyone, inlcuding or course my W, who she had never before met. It was surreal. I ended up drinking way too much that night, go figure. It messed me up for weeks. Moving on (so far unsuccessfully) is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. not to be off topic, but that was a terrible thing for her to do to you, Joey. I am so sorry. But back to the topic, these gatherings you are going to where you see xOM, how do you think your husband will feel about you, or y'all, going, once you tell him about the affair. He might appreciate you not going there, where you see xOM, NOW, rather than later. Just something to think about.
U2RockZz Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 if you are missing om or Xom(doesn't seem to be) so badly...why waste your H's time ....get a D....why all this drama MC,IC...waste of time,money energy(H's)
Author LostMe Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 not to be off topic, but that was a terrible thing for her to do to you, Joey. I am so sorry. But back to the topic, these gatherings you are going to where you see xOM, how do you think your husband will feel about you, or y'all, going, once you tell him about the affair. He might appreciate you not going there, where you see xOM, NOW, rather than later. Just something to think about. I want to be over or in a better place emotionally about xMM before I decide to tell my H. I may not. I can see the arguments for both sides. Obviously not seeing xMM is one thing that will help me get over him so hopefully In the future it wont be an issue. Joey thanks for understanding How are you doing fella? You still see your xMW at work don't you...?
jthorne Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Hmm... I guess I'm not seeing the text like other posters have. I saw it more like "thank you for not being a royal b-otch tonight. That way, our friends don't suspect anything. The fact that you were pleasant just allows me to feel less guilty about the A, and more able to get on with my life. I appreciate you not causing me any trouble. And since I'm being so nice, I trust you'll never cause me any trouble, ok?"
Author LostMe Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 Hmm... I guess I'm not seeing the text like other posters have. I saw it more like "thank you for not being a royal b-otch tonight. That way, our friends don't suspect anything. The fact that you were pleasant just allows me to feel less guilty about the A, and more able to get on with my life. I appreciate you not causing me any trouble. And since I'm being so nice, I trust you'll never cause me any trouble, ok?" Yeah, no doubt there's some truth in this jthorne. He has no reason to think i'd cause any trouble though. It's amicable between us and i don't blame him for anything that i haven't done myself. I own my **** as is said around here!
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