mai06 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I'm hoping I can get some LDR insight. I started talking to this guy about a year ago, we got to know each other, he came and visited me and it was great we decided to start a relationship (in Oct), in December he came and visted me again we went on a trip it was great I totally fell for him, but now it's going to be almost six months since I have seen him. He's gotten busy with studying for school and working f/t and moving and there's so much on his plate that hes become less communicative, he doesnt text me really at all during the day anymore. We usually just talk during our "talk time" after work when he's driving home. Sometimes we will skype but maybe for a little bit and when we do he's usually really tired or ready to hit the books and study. I was really looking forward to him coming down. He was suppose to come down for my birthday in less than three weeks, but I just kept on getting the vibe that he was stressed out financially and with too many things going on that he would come down and take the trip and see me but it was only bcs it would be my bday not bcs he wants to. So I put my excited self aside and told him not to worry and we could see each other another time. It really broke my heart tho knowing that my long wait wasnt going to really happen, but i figured what's the point of having him come down if its half-heartedly because hes too stressed out with work, school and finances. I keep getting this weird tingle feeling in my heart =( I'm super bummed about it but will not say it to him bcs I am the one who said its ok for him not to come down I just didnt want to be a burden or stress him out. I dont know i this normal. Sometimes he says "i want to come over and give you a big kiss ang hug you" but I dont feel comfortable saying things like that anymore. I also think that when i see him It will be strange being physically intimate even hugging kissing or w/e just bcs 1) i havent seen him in so long and 2) i feel like we're becoming disengaged with one another. Is this what happens in LDR's? do people sometimes go on this weird distant mode if things are to stressfull in their lives? and its just the start of our relationship is this how LDR's are in the begining? I'm so confused of what to think.
SarahRose Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I'm sorry to say you are wasting your time on someone who is lukewarm. Someone who really cares about you would make the effort. It takes the same amount of effort to make a lame excuse as it does to do something nice. Move on and stay away from long distant relationships. They are big time and money wasters.
aerogurl87 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I'm hoping I can get some LDR insight. I started talking to this guy about a year ago, we got to know each other, he came and visited me and it was great we decided to start a relationship (in Oct), in December he came and visted me again we went on a trip it was great I totally fell for him, but now it's going to be almost six months since I have seen him. He's gotten busy with studying for school and working f/t and moving and there's so much on his plate that hes become less communicative, he doesnt text me really at all during the day anymore. We usually just talk during our "talk time" after work when he's driving home. Sometimes we will skype but maybe for a little bit and when we do he's usually really tired or ready to hit the books and study. I was really looking forward to him coming down. He was suppose to come down for my birthday in less than three weeks, but I just kept on getting the vibe that he was stressed out financially and with too many things going on that he would come down and take the trip and see me but it was only bcs it would be my bday not bcs he wants to. So I put my excited self aside and told him not to worry and we could see each other another time. It really broke my heart tho knowing that my long wait wasnt going to really happen, but i figured what's the point of having him come down if its half-heartedly because hes too stressed out with work, school and finances. I keep getting this weird tingle feeling in my heart =( I'm super bummed about it but will not say it to him bcs I am the one who said its ok for him not to come down I just didnt want to be a burden or stress him out. I dont know i this normal. Sometimes he says "i want to come over and give you a big kiss ang hug you" but I dont feel comfortable saying things like that anymore. I also think that when i see him It will be strange being physically intimate even hugging kissing or w/e just bcs 1) i havent seen him in so long and 2) i feel like we're becoming disengaged with one another. Is this what happens in LDR's? do people sometimes go on this weird distant mode if things are to stressfull in their lives? and its just the start of our relationship is this how LDR's are in the begining? I'm so confused of what to think. I'm sorry to hear your going through this, but to answer your questions, some people do become distant when they're really stressed out. I do it alot, but I'm trying to work on it since my boyfriend hates when I do it and won't tell him what's going on in my head. That's when I just start to ramble off everything, but he's a good listener so he doesn't mind. Secondly, all LDRs are not like that in the beginning. I was in one LDR before my current guy, and it was like hell mixed with heaven. We were passionate about one another and even when we didn't see each other for awhile, when we got back together it was like time had paused for us both. I think there was like a 5 second time period of me sitting in the car where things were semi awkward, but then he'd grab my hand and we'd be back to normal. So no, not all LDRs are like what you described. But to be in one that works, both parties have to be 100% dedicated to making things work and putting each other first. Think of it this way, local relationships are like climbing a big hill in terms of work invovled. But LDRs are like climbing Mount Everest. Few try, and even fewer actually survive, but the ones that do are some of the luckiest people in the world.
Els Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 What, exactly, made you think he was planning to visit you because he 'had' to? Just because he was stressed? Frankly I don't think telling him 'you really don't need to come see me' was a great idea. It makes it sound like you're not really interested in seeing him, tbh. If I'd told my guy that during the VERY early stages of our relationship, he may not have visited. Because it'd sound to him like I didn't really want to see him, and that I'm just trying to push him away in a gentle manner. Like, y'know, guy you go for a date with and don't really like offers to pay for the date, you say 'No, you really don't have to'. You have been together quite a bit longer than that, though, but I don't quite know which stage of the R you are at yet. Why didn't you suggest another time? Offer to split the cost, etc? I honestly don't think he's giving 'lame excuses' like SarahRose says - because I know that studying AND working fulltime is a LOT to deal with! An incredible lot... most people can't even handle that. And he still finds the time to talk to you each day. Then again, I don't know your R, so I can't be certain.
carvidep Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I keep getting this weird tingle feeling in my heart =( I'm super bummed about it but will not say it to him bcs I am the one who said its ok for him not to come down I just didnt want to be a burden or stress him out. I dont know i this normal. Sometimes he says "i want to come over and give you a big kiss ang hug you" but I dont feel comfortable saying things like that anymore. I also think that when i see him It will be strange being physically intimate even hugging kissing or w/e just bcs 1) i havent seen him in so long and 2) i feel like we're becoming disengaged with one another. From what I read, I believe that he probably does truly like you. He's just busy. If you want that tingly feeling in your heart to go away, you need to be honest with him. Tell him why you told him not to visit. Once he knows where you're coming from, you guys can begin to rebuild that connection that you think you've lost. Give it a shot. Total and complete honesty, and not hiding your true feelings, is a major key in LDR's. Don't give up hope just yet girlie.
carvidep Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 What, exactly, made you think he was planning to visit you because he 'had' to? Just because he was stressed? Frankly I don't think telling him 'you really don't need to come see me' was a great idea. It makes it sound like you're not really interested in seeing him, tbh. If I'd told my guy that during the VERY early stages of our relationship, he may not have visited. Because it'd sound to him like I didn't really want to see him, and that I'm just trying to push him away in a gentle manner. Like, y'know, guy you go for a date with and don't really like offers to pay for the date, you say 'No, you really don't have to'. You have been together quite a bit longer than that, though, but I don't quite know which stage of the R you are at yet. Why didn't you suggest another time? Offer to split the cost, etc? I honestly don't think he's giving 'lame excuses' like SarahRose says - because I know that studying AND working fulltime is a LOT to deal with! An incredible lot... most people can't even handle that. And he still finds the time to talk to you each day. Then again, I don't know your R, so I can't be certain. I completely agree with Elswyth here. try taking her suggestions and see what happens.
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