Giffor Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I'm not sure if I'm asking this in the right forum, but considering I just let my live in GF of 5+ years walk out the door my search for an answer is at least partly related to break ups. I've read so many times in these forums that in order to be in love with someone, one has to first be "in love" with themselves, or some variation of that. Of course I understand the words, but I don't get what the practical implications are of this statement. Is it along the lines of having a healthy self esteem is a requirement for love? Or is it the need to overcome loneliness before getting into a relationship? I mean I have actually met someone before who happily pronounced that he was "in love" with himself, but at the time I thought he was just eccentric. I ask this question because I can't say I have ever felt that I "love" myself. My self esteem is not high, but I get by. I figure a lot of people could use more. But as I start to go through this break up, and the fact that it's my first and I'm 33(!), I'm feeling quite pessimistic about myself and my prospects (of meeting anyone else ever OR being able to be happy on my own). And for the sake of disclosure, she left me because I wouldn't/couldn't marry her (sorry if you've heard this one before). thanks for reading.
Cassablanca Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Can i ask what the reasons were for not being able to/wanting to marry her? I think it is totally possible to not love yourself but then to engage in a loving relationship that then raises your self esteem and consequently, causes you to 'love yourself'. I don't think that loving yourself is a requirement. I think it depends on the situation. For example, if you depend on this person to make you happy, it can be a warning sign because you don't feel you have anything else to gain outside of that relationship. Sometimes that is dangerous because you really cannot put all your eggs in one basket. Having a great support group made up of friends/family is really important and needed at a time like this. They can boost your self esteem too, not just the woman who may/may not be the 'one'.
Ilovecake Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I'm not a 100% sure what it means either but my guess is it means being happy with who you are as a person. Not beating yourself up, not counting on other people to create your happiness for you. When you can share your life with another person yet still still have a strong sense of self outside of your relationship.
Cassablanca Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I'm not a 100% sure what it means either but my guess is it means being happy with who you are as a person. Not beating yourself up, not counting on other people to create your happiness for you. When you can share your life with another person yet still still have a strong sense of self outside of your relationship. Gosh you summed it up right there
Author Giffor Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 Thanks for the replies. I can understand the importance of maintaining a strong self worth within a relationship. I just never felt that strong before meeting my ex, and now I'm wondering if that was part of the failure - in which case I would need to fix it. Can i ask what the reasons were for not being able to/wanting to marry her? My unwillingness to commit to children in two years, along with my anxiety about marriage in general (which would have made an engagement unfair to my ex since I wouldn't be able to share in the happiness).
sally4sara Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 To me, it means treating myself in the same regard I would someone else I cared for. Feeling I too deserve to be treated well. Not buying into the concept that love brings suffering.
burningheart Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 love your self first....means taking care of who you are first...( healthy outlook in life, you own happiness, your self worth..etc)..... If you ever flown in an airplane they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before your able to help anyone else...this is the easiest example I can think off... I hope it helps.
yume Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I think part of your uncertainty about marriage would have to do with the fact that she's your first (?). I mean yeah, I thought I was going to marry & be with my first love forever but that didn't happen. I found it was really stupid to even think that way because there are SO many other people out there. As for the "loving yourself" thing, it definitely constitutes being able to make yourself happy. You can't count on others to make you happy, because in the end they will (probably) let you down. It seems appropriate that you guys end things now because you can't see eye to eye vis as vis kids and marriage. You need someone who wants the same things as you do. Make sure to shuffle over to the coping forum if you need to. Good luck
extraordinarymachine Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I think loving yourself is about being happy about the person you are on the inside, feeling like your lifestyle matches your values, and being comfortable with being alone with yourself. I also think it's about learning to put your well-being above instant gratification when necessary, and knowing when to do something different even if it's difficult. As for your doubts about your future love life, I think those are natural feelings after a break up. Thinking you will never love again is part of the cycle of recovering completely. The person who has good self-esteem may even *feel* this way but perhaps *know* in their head/heart that they are being harsh with themselves and attempt to re-focus their emotional energy or at least wait for it to pass. Loving yourself is kind of like treating yourself like you would treat a wonderful friend--you hold them to high standards in the sense that you wouldn't let them act destructively and not say anything, but you also have great compassion for them and would never judge them harshly if they were struggling.
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