MizzBlue72 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 (edited) STBDMM and I had a long conversation last night. We had agreed to take it slow. That is why he moved here and has his own place and does not live with me. Now - I don't think that was the case at all. He said before that he would have left at anytime to be here with me - but from what has occurred over the last 24 hours - that's not true. Basically, he doesn't want a commitment with me. And I am really torn over this. I don't know what to make of it. As much as I don't want to admit it to myself - I was always thinking of how great it would be to introduce him as my boyfriend to my friends and family. I'm proud of that!! Very proud!!! From his actions - he isn't. He told me point blank that he is 'wasting my time' and there are red flags. I have a 5 yr old child. He is almost 50, kids grown. I have red flags in a relationship with him too -- I'm just really confused. I've never asked him for a commitment - not once. He knows I don't want to get married ever again - I thought we were fine with that. I talked to him also about wanting to introduce him to my friends - before he told me he does not want a commitment. I laughed - told him no. I want to have him meet my friends. I really thought that we had a good thing, but he is ... damn I don't even know. I told him my friends don't want me dating a MM. He said, 'what, after I Divorce everything will be fine?' ... he never even offered to introduce me to his friends - still. I don't want to introduce him into my world unless I know he will be around. He says he loves me and wants a relationship - but not a commitment?? WTH?? What does THAT mean? We've been involved for 18 months. Seriously - I'm just wondering where this would go. He wants me to open up to him - but how can I open up to a person who I am not sure will be there? So what - am I just someone here filling up his time until he figures his life out? He said the hurt - but damnit - it's the truth!!! Please - give me some advice. I love him - and I hurt. I even thought I could just go back wards with him - but why?? Why shouldn't I be able that if we love each other, and we are faithful to each other, that we have a 'commitment'. TELL me to back off. TELL me to do something - ANYTHING else!!! Because this is really not good. My head hurts from this. I just need a hug. Do I keep waiting, knowing that this will never pan out? Or do I cut my losses now - and move on? He says he doesn't want that - but I can't get over it. I'm usually upbeat about this, but today ... I feel SO used. I opened up to him - more than I have with others. And this just blindsided me. Edited May 14, 2010 by MizzBlue72
GreenEyedLady Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Ok, respect that he doesn't want a "commitment." He's telling you what he can offer you. A relationship, but he doesn't want to feel obligated. If you want commitment, he's being honest and telling you he can't do that. Right now. If you don't want to marry him, then I don't really see the problem. Unless you do want to marry him. That's committing to each other. Being a boyfriend isn't a commitment, it's a choice for the right now. I think that you might be getting hung up on semantics. Why don't you talk to him and see if you're on the same page? He probably views commitment as ending in marriage and that you pushing for it means you want marriage. But I also think no one should ever "wait" for their life to begin. If you feel like you're putting your life on hold, then end it. You should be able to look at your life and say,"I'm as happy as I can be." That doesn't mean that your every fantasy comes true, but that you are satisfied with where you are. You know, what will be, will be. Life happens. Try to make the best decisions for yourself and your children so that you are happy with what you end up with. GEL
ladydesigner Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I agree with GEL's post. Very insightful. It sounds to me like he wants to date you but possibly keep his options open as should you. How do you feel about it? I think you should decide how you feel and what you would like out of it.
jwi71 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 STBDMM and I had a long conversation last night. We had agreed to take it slow. That is why he moved here and has his own place and does not live with me. Now - I don't think that was the case at all. He said before that he would have left at anytime to be here with me - but from what has occurred over the last 24 hours - that's not true. Basically, he doesn't want a commitment with me. And I am really torn over this. I don't know what to make of it. As much as I don't want to admit it to myself - I was always thinking of how great it would be to introduce him as my boyfriend to my friends and family. I'm proud of that!! Very proud!!! From his actions - he isn't. He told me point blank that he is 'wasting my time' and there are red flags. I have a 5 yr old child. He is almost 50, kids grown. I have red flags in a relationship with him too -- I'm just really confused. I've never asked him for a commitment - not once. He knows I don't want to get married ever again - I thought we were fine with that. I talked to him also about wanting to introduce him to my friends - before he told me he does not want a commitment. I laughed - told him no. I want to have him meet my friends. I really thought that we had a good thing, but he is ... damn I don't even know. I told him my friends don't want me dating a MM. He said, 'what, after I Divorce everything will be fine?' ... he never even offered to introduce me to his friends - still. I don't want to introduce him into my world unless I know he will be around. He says he loves me and wants a relationship - but not a commitment?? WTH?? What does THAT mean? We've been involved for 18 months. Seriously - I'm just wondering where this would go. He wants me to open up to him - but how can I open up to a person who I am not sure will be there? So what - am I just someone here filling up his time until he figures his life out? He said the hurt - but damnit - it's the truth!!! Please - give me some advice. I love him - and I hurt. I even thought I could just go back wards with him - but why?? Why shouldn't I be able that if we love each other, and we are faithful to each other, that we have a 'commitment'. TELL me to back off. TELL me to do something - ANYTHING else!!! Because this is really not good. My head hurts from this. I just need a hug. Do I keep waiting, knowing that this will never pan out? Or do I cut my losses now - and move on? He says he doesn't want that - but I can't get over it. I'm usually upbeat about this, but today ... I feel SO used. I opened up to him - more than I have with others. And this just blindsided me. I can decipher this. " I just got out of my M and I don't want to be tied down again right now. I want to keep all my options open but I want to do it in such a way you will still have sex with me."
Author MizzBlue72 Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 Thank you both. This helps. Yes - I think I am looking into semantics here. I was thinking that he didn't want anything with me. And that hurt. I do need to take a step back - and realize that what is is OK. Thanks for the insight.
fooled once Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I agree with GEL's post. Very insightful. It sounds to me like he wants to date you but possibly keep his options open as should you. How do you feel about it? I think you should decide how you feel and what you would like out of it. Why should she keep her options open if she wants a relationship - a monogamous relationship - with him? She has been with him for 18 months - and now that he is 'free' almost from his marriage, he is deciding that he doesn't really want MizzB. He wants her for fun, but not for a boyfriend..not for a monogamous relationship. MizzB, I would be incredibly hurt. You have stuck by him, stayed the hidden secret. You finally feel that NOW you can be out in the open, but he still wants the "hidden" relationship because he doesn't want what you want. I do think it is time to back off. Let him figure out what he wants. Do NOT settle for what he is offering if it isn't what YOU want. You have settled for too long, do not continue. I think you two are still not on the same page. Before, it was his marriage that was "in the way". Now....it is him wanting his own space; him still not wanting to be with you, even with the wife out of the way. if all you want is sex and fun, keep going. But if you want more, then you will not be getting it from him (at least from the way I read this). I would even venture that you were his exit affair/rebound girl and in a years time, he will be with someone else. I don't say that to hurt you, just saying what I see here. ((hug))
BB07 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 MizzB, first..........a great big hug for you! What stands out for me in your post is that you are wanting and were expecting something different than what you are getting. It hurts to have someone not live up to the expectations that we've put in place. It also sounds as if he led you to believe that he wanted the same things as you in regards to commitment but now he is reneging on the original plan. If so......it's not fair to you and I'd be very cautious with someone who is becoming more wishy washy as time goes on. I don't have any great words of wisdom but FO had some good advice in her post and I'd just like to add that I don't think you should settle for less that what you want or expect. During the affairs we get ourselves into the mindset of settling and its tough to get out of that because more often than not we are at the bottom of the list, so please don't let yourself be put back in that position. I hope things work out for you and he gets clear about what he wants.
califnan Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Well jwi said it all - just as I had thought .. Your MM is becoming free free free.. and he wants to leave "all options" open .. He wants to continue to have a relationship "sex" .. but with no committment .. This is not about your precious five year old son .. And it should not be about your wishing to introduce him to your friends ... This is between the two of you - or about him. You walked in faith with the relationship, and toward what you thought was a committment .. Throw him back into the pond. I know that you have said that it wasn't your thought - to get married .. but if there is no marriage - there is no anything..
pureinheart Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I can decipher this. " I just got out of my M and I don't want to be tied down again right now. I want to keep all my options open but I want to do it in such a way you will still have sex with me." I think JW hit this...and let me add what happened to me: ExDM took me all around to sord of "parade" me to the people he wanted to, but I was exempt from "certain" ones...for what reason only he knows. He was extremely abusive to me during his D and knew all about my life, but kept parts of his hidden...this was a major red flag. He doesn't deserve me...ever. MB, you are alive, you have a life to live...you and your daughter. Life is short. You never know what tomorrow will bring...a friend called (a HS friend that I've stayed in touch with) and asked for a favor, at first I hesitated, then God said, "go"...so off I went. Another friend that I had not seen in 20 yrs ended up over there...I brought up a friend and the friend I ran into said he had just talked to him...long story short: my friends going to give this other "friend" my #... He was a stoned cold fox back in the day and a REALLY good friend of mine...he was the first guy I ever dated and he was street wise and took very good care of me. Oh and the friend I ran into hehe...he looked priddy good too and we are for the mostpart on the same page spiritually which makes all the difference. Home girl is ready to roll and "singing", "Stella's got her grove back"... MB, to heck with him and his mess...you go girl, your single and gorgeous!
bittersweet memories Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I can decipher this. " I just got out of my M and I don't want to be tied down again right now. I want to keep all my options open but I want to do it in such a way you will still have sex with me." I'm with you...I totally got that too. So be careful..
pureinheart Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 HA HA, CN said the same thing...oooooppppssss I though I saw "daughter", but CN said son... Hey what can I say, had too much fun back in the day...lol... Just a thought...major tj...ok, think of all of the things you can do to make yourself better and if you want list them on open forum Make the fool drool, then turn your nose up and say...ummmm stbdmm, well you didn't want to introduce me, no committment soooo... I am feeling real onery today...
pureinheart Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 You know what MB...and my mother would be proud of me (she was a poker player) ...you got a Royal Flush with all of these replies...excellent advice.
califnan Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 HA HA, CN said the same thing...oooooppppssss I though I saw "daughter", but CN said son... QUOTE] ---------------- Dear "Onery" I don't know why I guessed a son.. Maybe it is a daughter for Mizz. Other than that, we do think alike sometimes, my sister..
Fieldsofgold Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I am so sorry this is happening. Here's a (((((((hug))))) I think he's getting out of his marriage, and he doesn't want to be tied down to any kind of commitment. But doesn't want to totally lose you, either. Wanting his freedom, and you, too. You, on the other hand, after spending 18 months growing close to this man, are ready for the natural next step, a committed relationship. (Lots of people have committed relationships without the legalities.) Heartbreaking as it is, the two of you want two different things. You are on different pages. I think the only thing for you to do, heartbreaking though it is, is cut this man loose. Let him have his freedom. And you look for what you need in your life. He really isn't what you need. I like what others have said. When you date a MM, you accept the unacceptable. It could be easy to get used to that. Don't keep doing it. I know this is hard. I know it is harsh. I know it will take time for you to figure it out. And I know the craziness it causes. I am just really sorry this is happening to you
BB07 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I think JW hit this...and let me add what happened to me: ExDM took me all around to sord of "parade" me to the people he wanted to, but I was exempt from "certain" ones...for what reason only he knows. He was extremely abusive to me during his D and knew all about my life, but kept parts of his hidden...this was a major red flag. He doesn't deserve me...ever. MB, you are alive, you have a life to live...you and your daughter. Life is short. You never know what tomorrow will bring...a friend called (a HS friend that I've stayed in touch with) and asked for a favor, at first I hesitated, then God said, "go"...so off I went. Another friend that I had not seen in 20 yrs ended up over there...I brought up a friend and the friend I ran into said he had just talked to him...long story short: my friends going to give this other "friend" my #... He was a stoned cold fox back in the day and a REALLY good friend of mine...he was the first guy I ever dated and he was street wise and took very good care of me. Oh and the friend I ran into hehe...he looked priddy good too and we are for the mostpart on the same page spiritually which makes all the difference. Home girl is ready to roll and "singing", "Stella's got her grove back"... MB, to heck with him and his mess...you go girl, your single and gorgeous! Sorry for the derail..........but just wanted PIH to know I'm happy she has her groove back......you go girl!!!:D
BB07 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 When you date a MM, you accept the unacceptable. Wow that line really got me........it was true in my case and probably is for most OW/OM's. Notice I said........most.
califnan Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I am so sorry this is happening. Here's a (((((((hug))))) I know this is hard. I know it is harsh. I know it will take time for you to figure it out. And I know the craziness it causes. I am just really sorry this is happening to you -------------------- Don't worry Fields - it's not harsh. Almostdivorcedmarriedman has needs and wishes, and so - Mizz can have needs and wishes, as well ..
whichwayisup Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 He doesn't want to be tied down to one woman. He's on his own, has you (which probably now reminds him of the demise of his marriage), yet he wants to be free and single, no strings to you or anyone else. Aka wants to play the field. Listen to what he's told you! Believe him. He is telling you not to waste time on him (raise your expectations, have hopes etc) and also pointing out the red flags. He's older, been married, had his kids already. He doesn't sound like a man who wants to start over, have babies and build a new life, new family. Break up with him. You love him and sooner or later you WILL want more than he's able to give you. Already you want to introduce him as your boyfriend, he isn't ready. You're on two different playing fields now that he's left his marriage. Its not a fun affair anymore, he sees you 'falling deeper' for him and he doesn't want that, with you or anybody. Remember, this isn't about you, it's about him. Just like the affair was. ALL about him. End it, grieve, get counselling if need be, and then pick yourself up, find a younger single guy who can offer you the world!!
pureinheart Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 He doesn't want to be tied down to one woman. He's on his own, has you (which probably now reminds him of the demise of his marriage), yet he wants to be free and single, no strings to you or anyone else. Aka wants to play the field. Listen to what he's told you! Believe him. He is telling you not to waste time on him (raise your expectations, have hopes etc) and also pointing out the red flags. He's older, been married, had his kids already. He doesn't sound like a man who wants to start over, have babies and build a new life, new family. Break up with him. You love him and sooner or later you WILL want more than he's able to give you. Already you want to introduce him as your boyfriend, he isn't ready. You're on two different playing fields now that he's left his marriage. Its not a fun affair anymore, he sees you 'falling deeper' for him and he doesn't want that, with you or anybody. Remember, this isn't about you, it's about him. Just like the affair was. ALL about him. End it, grieve, get counselling if need be, and then pick yourself up, find a younger single guy who can offer you the world!! Wow, this is some major insight WWIU, this entered my mind, although the way you worded this is like Reality TV. Thanks BB and CN, I am certainly going to speak better days over all of us...we need it!
Hazyhead Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Mizz, imagine this: you are out with a girlfriend one evening and you spot, wherever you have gone, STBDMM in the same location with a woman. They seem very, very close and you witness intimacy that tells you this is nothing else but a date. Or, some other scenario. You confront him once you have gotten over the shock and he responds by reminding you that he told you he didn't want to commit, that he thought you were in an open relationship. I don't say this to be spiteful, but he is telling you that he might not be with you as you want him to be. If the above situation would hurt you then, please, walk away now. I'm so sorry for you pain, but by staying with him you might be setting yourself up for even more. One thing I've learned from these forums is not to settle for more than you want. (((((mizz)))))
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