Irreconcilable Difficulty

[cdt76]

Unfortunately, life has lessons we need to learn. My experience in life, though mostly wonderful, has been spotted with the kind of betrayal and dishonesty that can break a man's soul and poison the very blood that runs through his veins. There is understanding of personal, professional, emotional and financial needs that we have in life and I learned those lessons well. I mastered them. And when I stood on top of that mountain and looked over the valley in awe and wonder, the bile of human nature reached up and grabbed me by the neck, dragged me to the bottom and over every tree and rock on the way down. Yes, I've learned to accept myself for who I am, the person I want to be and I understand what it takes to be that person. The saddness that engulfs me is not due to my failures in life or any inability to achieve my goals. My saddness is caused by the brutal misguidance of others and their failures to live by the simple rules in life that we learned in kindergarten. Honesty and integrity are apart of my being and I cherish those values like no other. I've had the misfortune to become involved with people in my lifetime that do not encompass those values at all but rather live by the evil and selfish ways of the flesh. People have taught me that the only person worthy of trust is myself. People have taught me that trust is earned and not a right and even after it's earned it must be fortifide with love and more trust. Think of it like a bowl of water that has a slow leak, in order for the bowl to remain full, water must continually be added. The same is true for trust and love and I know that people turn off the tap way too early in life. I no longer take people for their word. I no longer accept that people will trust me, even without reason to doubt. And so now I go through life protecting myself, the values I hold dear, and my children from the very people who could spoil the passion that drives goodness. Do not think that I have no hope, for it is all that I cling to. I hope that one day, I meet the woman who will free my mind and soul from the cage of dispair and doubt. When I meet her I will know she is right and she is worthy and I will give the very breath in my lungs to meet her every need. I do not meet people with a closed heart, though it is very well protected and guarded with walls of defense that allow me to see people for who they really are. Believe me, even when someone hurts me, God has given me the ability to forgive and provide a second chance to that person. But only one chance. I cherish truth and love and I seek them both out like an addict to drugs. But I will not fall victim to evil or people whose sole intent is to hurt, mislead or knock me off the path back up the mountain. I've been to the bottom of my very being and lived in the darkness. I know who I am. I know who I want to be and who I want to be with. I had hoped our paths would remain together and forever. I believed you to be a woman I could open up to and share things with like no other. Why did I believe that? Because I hoped. I wanted to have faith in a woman again and I decided that I would try to have faith in you. That faith was extinguished by lies and betrayal and whatever it was that turned your heart cold. That was your choice and I have to accept it for what it is because I can not control how you live your life. I can only control myself and I am honest about that. I would like nothing more than to have my faith in you restored but that is only something that you can do. The words I've written reflect a character that is strong and worthy of a trust that was crushed inside you long ago. I do not pretend to be something I am not. I am looking for love and I am looking for peace found in that love. I do not play games about that because I do not have the patience. I am looking for someone who will go to the top of that mountain again and together we can face the world and beat the evil that tries to knock us off. Why I hoped it was you, I do not know. I found your words, humor and intelligence addicting, your body was extacy and our connection was the air I took into my lungs. And now it is forever gone, replaced by resentment, doubt, frailty and mistrust, because you destroyed the good person I was and for no reason other than your own self interest. But again, that was your choice. I only hoped for honesty, love and your trust. Why I can't move on is beyond me.

[GrayClouds]

I only hoped for honesty, love and your trust.

And that is what you gave, for that you need to take pride and satisfaction. What the other person does with it is a reflection on them not you.

 

You will keep from moving on until you accept that truth. Once you do accept understand it, then you will regain your trust in others because nothing they will do will change your belief in yourself.

 

 

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