HighPlainsDrifter Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 So I could use a little perspective here on a relationship I was in but apparently am not anymore. I’ll try to keep it brief. Got set up by a friend with a 29 year old woman who is separated from her husband, in the process of getting a divorce. She was with the guy since she was 15, and they were/are married for 10 years. I came into the picture and was pretty leary of the situation, but figured I’d get to know her and see if we could be friends. Well, the friendship thing bloomed and grew very quickly, approximately a month, and we got pretty serious fairly fast. After about 4 months, the I love you’s and all of that started, and that’s when I told her that she needed to get this divorce over with because I didn’t want to be a rebound guy, and I didn’t feel right sleeping with a technically married woman. We basically spent every night together for about 9 months with zero fights, zero problems, zero drama, no problems whatsoever. It was truly a great time for each of us, or so I thought. Then, at about the 9 month mark, she starts to withdraw, and is sick. We talk on the phone, but we don’t see each other. I ask her if there is a problem and if we are still ok and she says yes, but I can tell she’s got a lot on her mind. She says she is stressed out (can understand that) and actually does have a terrible cough/flu and is missing work. So a couple days later, I still don’t see her, so I ask her if she wants to have lunch, by text, to just get together since it had been a couple days since we’ve seen each other. She then texts me that she has been pushing through the divorce thing with her soon to be ex and he must have been driving by her place because he asked her why she hasn’t been sleeping at her apartment the last several months. He accuses her of cheating on him with me and that’s why she wanted the initial separation, which isn't true. I met her after the separation. She is stressed out about all of this and doesn’t want to bring me into the middle of it. So this is where I’m at. This all occurred around the first week or two of March, and I initiated LC. I would only respond when she would contact me, and I didn’t really bring up our relationship. I was just trying to offer her support. I sent her a light card a couple times a few weeks ago, but dropped the I love you's and all of that. I would just tell her I'm here for her and offered my support. We have never really had a break up talk, she just needs room to get this divorce over with without me getting caught up in the middle of it. Her friend who set us up has asked her about me, and told her that she should tell me she doesn’t want me to be around if that's the case, but she tells her friend that that’s not it, she adores me, but she doesn’t want to drag me into this. Her friend also asked her if there was another man (my thought) and she answered with a resounding no. I really don’t think this is the case. So I guess I could use a little perspective if you would care to offer any. I know it’s a cr@ppy situation, and I didn’t want to get sucked up in it, but here I am. I love this girl a ton, and I think she does me as well, but is just tied up in this divorce. It really sucks for me. There are more details, but this is already getting too wordy. Thanks for reading if you made it all the way through. Do we stand a chance? How stupid am I? I don't even know whether to post this in the breaking up forum or the second chance forum. Good times!
paleblue Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Here’s what you do. Nothing. Do absolutely nothing. Stop contacting her. Let her work out her issues. And then let her pursue you. And in the meantime go out and have some fun.
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 Thanks for the response paleblue. That's what I've been trying to do. I haven't called her and don't ever initiate contact. The last time I she called me was 2 weeks ago and we talked for an hour about how her divorce was going. She was in the process of getting a lawyer, selling the house, etc... She emailed me lightly about a week ago. Too thanking me for a blanket (snuggie, yah, I know, those ridiculous things) that I sent her to keep her warm. Nothing extravagent, but just wanted her to know that I cared. Damn, it's hard to not do anything. I think it's right to just leave her be like you said, but it's really hard and I don't want her to think I don't care. It's also my birthday coming up in a week, which is totally adding to my depression. I've said it before and I'll say it again... GOOD TIMES!
Ilovecake Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I think you've made it perfectly clear to her that you care. Stop sending gifts and cards and whatnot. This unfortunately is the price you pay for getting involved with someone who is not a 100% available. You're just going to have to wait for her decision in regards to the relationship. You did everything you could anything more and you'll just push her further away from you.
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 Thank you Ilovecake for your response. I think you are correct. It's just so weird that the best thing to do is to disappear. I do think that is the proper thing though. Strange how when you try to bring someone closer to you, it just does the opposite. I know I need to work on myself now, but it's really hard to do anything. I haven't had sex in almost 3 months now and it's been wearing on me too. It's not like that's all I want and I'm so not just about that, but it is a part that really sucks not to have with someone you want to be with. Last week, an ex girlfriend that I dated for about 4 months and before I met this one called and said that I had some things over at her place. I went over and talked with her a bit, not about this situation, but just about life in general. This girl was pretty nuts about me, and I think still is, but I told her back then that I had met someone and broke it off with her honestly and didn't string her along. I know she is with a new guy now, but she made sure to not mention him and definitely was giving me hints that she was there for the taking. Geeze if I was an @sshole I could have made myself feel better, if only for a few hours, thus screwing up her life. I'm so not that guy... It sucks doing the right thing. I feel so helpless...
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 Well, I guess it's time for an update... And an answer to one of my own questions. How stupid am I?? F**kin very stupid! Found out tonight she is with someone else. Saw it with my own two eyes. My friend told me about how he saw her car out in front of some apartment building on the night of my birthday, back in may, shortly after I made these posts, at around 4 in the morning. He said that he saw her about a week later and that he asked her about it and she said she had too much to drink that night and fell asleep at her friends. She didn't act like she was busted or anything, so he didn't really think anything about it and didn't really tell me until about a month ago when her name came up for something. I just let it be and figured it was likely one of her girlfriends and let it die, although it was in the back of my mind. I never drove by there, or did any follow up or any of that crap. So this last friday, he calls me up and tells me that he was driving by that place again and saw her, another girl, and two guys hanging out. He thought something was odd because it looked like she had pajama bottoms on at 6 in the evening and was walking her dog. Of course, I got curious and drove in the vicinity and saw her walking her dog, with another girl. I felt kind of relieved because I figured it must be her "friend" she was referring to. Still though, it bugged me, and I was close to there tonight so I thought I'd drive by. (yup, so now I'm a freaking stalker??) Well, low and behold, I see her getting out of her car and another car pulls up and its a guy. They walk up together and go into the apt. She was wearing her "sleep over" sweats that she'd always wear at my place. I'm f*king in shock right now and can't believe this is how it plays out. Her girlfriend that set us up is shocked too because she is not someone who plays games. She would never have imagined this in a million years, much like myself. So we were together about 9 months, never technically broke up, never fought, she just pulled a effing disappearing act and couldn't have the decency to actually break up with me. Un-freaking-believable.... She's still married, waiting for the divorce to come through, but now for a different reason I assume. So this is what I get when she tells me she "can't drag me into this" divorce thing. Apparently, she can drag this other guy into it no problem? Can't believe I get f**ked over like this... All I can say is wow... Scratch that, effin wow... Shocked...
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