New situation

[confusedcath]

I stumbled across this site while surfing for anything to help me figure out this situation I am in.

I work with a MM who up until about a month ago I barely knew existed. One day he came into my office and asked if we could go out to dinner/drinks sometime. I said sure. When we next spoke he asked how I would feel going out with a married man. We spoke off and on for a little while until he invited me to go on an overnight with him (he travels for the job). He was very clear that he just wanted to hang out and get to know me, offering seperate rooms or 2 beds in the same room. I ended up going and I ended up being the one to rush the relationship into a sexual one.

He calls me daily (I never call him), we never discuss his wife/home situation. I am worried that I should end this now before I get in too deep (I am mostly okay but sometimes --like right now--feel anxiety and want to see/be with him) but I want to see where it goes. I have numerous friends who are in relationships that started as affairs and they have been happily married for years (a lot of the men say they got into a situation they weren't happy in and when they met their current wife they realized the type of person they wanted to be with) which is making it hard to give this up.

People that I talk to, even those who think I should end it right away say "but he initated it and wants an actual relationship not just sex" so it makes it hard for me to make a decision.

I still feel like it is too early to come off as clingy and ask him what he is looking for with me (just sex, a relationship, etc) and bring up the wife talk...I want to be the fun person who isn't yelling at him, etc (his wife yells all the time when they are on the phone).

I guess I am just so confused. I feel like everyone will say get out now...but if the people I know had gotten out early they wouldn't be together now.

Sorry to be rambling, any help will be appreciated.

[secretlady76]

He's married, he's a player, he knows what he's doing, making you think he is oh so innocent by offering seperate rooms etc. He rings you because he knows when it is convenient for him to contact you. If you tried to contact him, you probably wouldn't hear back from him. You will get hurt and it'll be your tears that will be shed, not his. I can see where this will go and it is going the wrong way. Get out now before it is too late. Sorry to sound boring but I am trying to help you.

[PrettyinInk]

you sound like you want a serious relationship, so why go after a married man? why not find a single man? obviously your friends, who were all cheaters have influenced you into that lifestyle, but you really should get out, and find your own man, not try to take someone elses.

if he wanted to be with you, and only you, he would leave his wife. he just wants to have sex with you, and maintain the family.

[scatterd]

He will get caught and then you will be history hes probably is arguing with her to put on a show or he has done this before Someday if you did go far he would cheat on you to.You dont think she means much then why has he not left.Cheaters lie and rewrite history run and when and if you stay you will hurt his whole family why hurt Innocent people.You will get hurt knowing what I have seen a heard and now you know if you do this your doing it knowing.

[Mimolicious]

Reinventing the wheel... This story is very repetitive and a site like this one proves the odds.

 

It's very often that you read how it mostly ends. 1. Either you continue with this A, settle to be the side dish and live miserable ever after. 2. You are one of the lucky ones, he leaves his marriage drama free and gives you the fairytale ending (not very likely) or 3. you end up with neither 1 or 2, and yet totally destroyed because you entertained the fool and didnt save yourself while you could've.

 

RUN WHILE YOU CAN HONEY! Find yourself a single dude that can dedicate more that "Working trips" to you!

[confusedcath]

Thanks guys for the responces. I know that I need to leave this situation before it goes any further, I was just trying to hold on to something that wasn't there. Sometimes I guess you just need strangers to kick you in the butt and tell it like it is. I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond to this. It will be difficult but I have to rip the bandaid off and end it right away.

[BB07]

I stumbled across this site while surfing for anything to help me figure out this situation I am in.

I work with a MM who up until about a month ago I barely knew existed. One day he came into my office and asked if we could go out to dinner/drinks sometime. I said sure. When we next spoke he asked how I would feel going out with a married man. We spoke off and on for a little while until he invited me to go on an overnight with him (he travels for the job). He was very clear that he just wanted to hang out and get to know me, offering seperate rooms or 2 beds in the same room. I ended up going and I ended up being the one to rush the relationship into a sexual one.

He calls me daily (I never call him), we never discuss his wife/home situation. I am worried that I should end this now before I get in too deep (I am mostly okay but sometimes --like right now--feel anxiety and want to see/be with him) but I want to see where it goes. I have numerous friends who are in relationships that started as affairs and they have been happily married for years (a lot of the men say they got into a situation they weren't happy in and when they met their current wife they realized the type of person they wanted to be with) which is making it hard to give this up.

People that I talk to, even those who think I should end it right away say "but he initated it and wants an actual relationship not just sex" so it makes it hard for me to make a decision.

I still feel like it is too early to come off as clingy and ask him what he is looking for with me (just sex, a relationship, etc) and bring up the wife talk...I want to be the fun person who isn't yelling at him, etc (his wife yells all the time when they are on the phone).

 

I guess I am just so confused. I feel like everyone will say get out now...but if the people I know had gotten out early they wouldn't be together now.

Sorry to be rambling, any help will be appreciated.

 

A couple of things stick out about your post. You said you want to be the fun person who isn't yelling at him. My first thought was......well he is married and marriage isn't all fun and games, but more than likely there will be a time when you'll want more than just fun from him and then what? You haven't said what YOU want, it's mostly about what you think he might want and I get that you are already thinking you might want more than he might offer you in the future.

 

Take some time to read a lot of the posts in the OW section and you'll find that more often than not, most of these kind of situations don't work out and they bring extreme pain and sadness to a lot of people, so my advice would be to get out now while the getting is good. Any relationship is a risk but to try to have a relationship with someone who is already committed to someone else is upping the ante higher than you probably want to go.

 

BTW.......I'm a former OW who is with her former MM and even though we are in a fairly good place, the cost has been very high. I would not recommend the path I chose to anyone. There are very long lasting consequences to relationships that start in this manner and it's very difficult to shake it all off and be free and happy.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[Fieldsofgold]

"I want to be the fun person who isn't yelling at him, etc (his wife yells all the time when they are on the phone)."

 

As a former BW, I chuckled a little when I read this. For a number of reasons. I married young, to an older man. He was a SC, and as it has turned out, a serial H. (he's now married to #7. I'm sure this one is THE one *eye roll*).*

 

At 19, I wanted to be that fun girl I had been before we married. After catching him in a few affairs while I was pregnant, after working all day, then coming home to find him gone for the evening and no indication where he might be, after getting slapped around when he came home drunk, finding women in my house, money unaccounted for, sitting home with a newborn while he was out partying --- I wasn't nearly so much fun.*

 

Here's a few tricks he used to use to make me look like a total shrew to his girlfriends. He'd tell me to call him at a certain time at the local neighborhood bar, and to keep calling until I got him. Then he'd go to the bar with his girlfriend and tell them if I called to tell me he wasn't there. So I'd call all evening per his request, and he's do the fake hiding thing. Made me look like a psycho-suspicious wife. Another thing he did, when he had an appropriate audience, I would call, and he would "fake" an argument on his end of the phone, for the benefit of the woman listening. What he said would not in any way match what I was saying. * * * **

 

I'm not saying your married man is anything like that. Just saying that you have no idea what is REALLY going on with him. *He is a big boy, and no one is making him stay married. He's most likely not honest with his wife OR you. You're not hopelessly in love with him. *I can't imagine why you would choose to get involved with him. Run like the wind! *

 

Btw, wife #7, who was his former OW, (he usually marries his O Women) is now enjoying him just as much as I did. He's 75, she's 35, and he's cheating on her.*

[pureinheart]

A couple of things stick out about your post. You said you want to be the fun person who isn't yelling at him. My first thought was......well he is married and marriage isn't all fun and games, but more than likely there will be a time when you'll want more than just fun from him and then what? You haven't said what YOU want, it's mostly about what you think he might want and I get that you are already thinking you might want more than he might offer you in the future.

 

Take some time to read a lot of the posts in the OW section and you'll find that more often than not, most of these kind of situations don't work out and they bring extreme pain and sadness to a lot of people, so my advice would be to get out now while the getting is good. Any relationship is a risk but to try to have a relationship with someone who is already committed to someone else is upping the ante higher than you probably want to go.

 

BTW.......I'm a former OW who is with her former MM and even though we are in a fairly good place, the cost has been very high. I would not recommend the path I chose to anyone. There are very long lasting consequences to relationships that start in this manner and it's very difficult to shake it all off and be free and happy.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

Ya BB, this is what popped out at me too.

[Hazyhead]

The chances are, cath, that you'll have a lot of fun with this guy. An affair like this has some amazing highs. But, I can tell you from experience that no high in the world will be worth the pain you and others will endure further down the line. In a way, it's good that he's being honest with you, but that is also a sign that he just wants a little fun on the side, otherwise he wouldn't actively seek it out whilst remaining married. I agree with the other posters, run now, before you fall for him.

 

Good luck

[pureinheart]

"I want to be the fun person who isn't yelling at him, etc (his wife yells all the time when they are on the phone)."

 

As a former BW, I chuckled a little when I read this. For a number of reasons. I married young, to an older man. He was a SC, and as it has turned out, a serial H. (he's now married to #7. I'm sure this one is THE one *eye roll*).*

 

At 19, I wanted to be that fun girl I had been before we married. After catching him in a few affairs while I was pregnant, after working all day, then coming home to find him gone for the evening and no indication where he might be, after getting slapped around when he came home drunk, finding women in my house, money unaccounted for, sitting home with a newborn while he was out partying --- I wasn't nearly so much fun.*

 

Here's a few tricks he used to use to make me look like a total shrew to his girlfriends. He'd tell me to call him at a certain time at the local neighborhood bar, and to keep calling until I got him. Then he'd go to the bar with his girlfriend and tell them if I called to tell me he wasn't there. So I'd call all evening per his request, and he's do the fake hiding thing. Made me look like a psycho-suspicious wife. Another thing he did, when he had an appropriate audience, I would call, and he would "fake" an argument on his end of the phone, for the benefit of the woman listening. What he said would not in any way match what I was saying. * * * **

 

I'm not saying your married man is anything like that. Just saying that you have no idea what is REALLY going on with him. *He is a big boy, and no one is making him stay married. He's most likely not honest with his wife OR you. You're not hopelessly in love with him. *I can't imagine why you would choose to get involved with him. Run like the wind! *

 

Btw, wife #7, who was his former OW, (he usually marries his O Women) is now enjoying him just as much as I did. He's 75, she's 35, and he's cheating on her.*

 

No way...oh man. D's are so time consuming....this is one for the books FoG...and yes, you are gold.

 

Good luck CC, I really hope the best for you and no matter what happens, please keep posting and welcome to LS...so glad you happened by...hope you stay

[Fieldsofgold]

Really, what it boils down to is this:

 

If you try to have a relationship with this guy, there is a VERY high chance that it will not turn out well for you, that you will be hurt, and that you will contribute to a lot of innocent people being hurt. Plus it's really bad Karma for you. (most likely you wouldn't want some woman having an affair with your husband, or your children's father.)

 

There is a VERY slim chance that this will turn out good for you.

 

Why put your money - your heart, time and emotional energy on such a slim chance? (and earn bad karma, to boot.)

[jthorne]

The fact that he approached you out of the blue when you didn't even know who he was is a red flag to me. He's done this kind of thing before, and will most likely do it again. It's possible you are not the only OW.

 

I'm also curious why you went out for dinner/drinks in the first place, since you knew he was married. Not judgeing at all, just interested in why you would put yourself in that position.

 

I'm not saying this because I'm anti-affair, but I don't see this ending in a happily ever after. This is an ego feed for him, and probably not a whole lot more.

[Heather1]

Keep it for what it is, an A & nothing more, if you want to survive this. You already are thinking you might have a future. The whole way he approached you.....drinks, asking you if it's ok if he's M, the two rooms (ha,ha-wink, wink) & then the troubled M? He knows what he's doing. Just be clear in your mind what's going on, cuz he's telling you straight on.

[norajane]

I still feel like it is too early to come off as clingy and ask him what he is looking for with me (just sex, a relationship, etc) and bring up the wife talk...I want to be the fun person who isn't yelling at him, etc (his wife yells all the time when they are on the phone).

Wow. You're already making this guy's needs more important than your own, you're already giving up all your self-confidence and power to him, and you're already allowing YOUR LIFE to be decided by some guy who is married to another woman.

 

Why do you expect a MM who is cheating on his wife - a woman he presumably loved when he made his lifetime vows of commitment to her - to look out for your best interests when you won't even look out for your best interests?

 

And you've barely gotten started in this affair? What do you think is going to happen to you when you actually fall in love with him? Do you think you'll be able to speak up and stand up for yourself then, or will you be even more of a doormat?

 

If you can't bring yourself to ask him wtf he thinks he's doing and if you are already molding yourself into a Stepford-wife in order to be what you think he wants, with no mind and no opinion and no needs or wants of your own, I'm not surprised he picked you out as a target for an affair. He could probably tell you don't have enough self-esteem to give him any trouble. He could probably tell you wouldn't hold out for and demand a relationship that actually could give you the love and respect and commitment you say you want.

[2sunny]

When we next spoke he asked how I would feel going out with a married man.

 

 

he approached you with the reality of what he could offer... which is not much. not much for your benefit and happiness, that is... then YOU signed up for it!

 

now he can blame only YOU for what you signed up for. how convenient of him...

 

YOU can only take care of YOU! now do it.

[candymoon]

Btw, wife #7, who was his former OW, (he usually marries his O Women) is now enjoying him just as much as I did. He's 75, she's 35, and he's cheating on her.*

 

 

OMG. Is the 75 a typo? With a 35 yo woman? WTF does HE have?!

 

This gives me very little faith in the idea that men mature as they age...

[whichwayisup]

I still feel like it is too early to come off as clingy and ask him what he is looking for with me (just sex, a relationship, etc) and bring up the wife talk

 

Meaning, bring up to him when he plans on leaving his wife, divorcing her to be with you?

 

Already it's obvious you're way too emotionally attached, possibly inlove with him. YOU are going to be dragged through a rough ride and come out on the other side heartbroken and in pieces.

 

Listen to what the others are telling you! Really think this through and ask yourself if having an affair with a MM is worth it. THIS GUY has no plans on leaving or divorcing his wife to be with you, so remember that. He's a liar, a cheater, a betrayer.

[jj33]

Cath your name is apt as you are VERY confused. Very very confused. Everyone does this their own way and learns from their own mistakes but when I was in your position someone said to me what are you doing auditioning? is this try outs for the softball team?

 

People who have affairs are not "auditioning future wives. People who have affairs arent looking for a new wife. They are looking for an affair. Yes things turn out differently sometimes but its a VERY hard way to go.

 

He clearly knows how to begin an affair and how to conduct one. He plucked you out, you are showing classic signs of insecurity tho it is a new relationship you are "hooked" and looking for more of a bond even tho he is married and its new. So he chose well (for the moment) but you did yourself no favors.

 

You are NOT cut out for an affair. If you were you wouldnt be posting looking for happily ever after in this situation.

 

 

You are VERY confused. Men dont leave because of the affair. They leave because they decide its time for them to leave. Very few of the men who have left (I think OWomans husband is one of hte few exceptions) left while the couple AP and MP were together. Typically the relatinoshps ends before the MP leaves and then they act.

 

Moreover what makes you think he wants to leave his marriage?

 

I was involved with someone who was married. We had a real relationship. I stayed at his place in the city most of the time we were together (some would say we played house).

 

Its been over for several years and he still contacts me constantly. There is NO doubt in my mind that he is still in love with me and that I am the love of his life.

 

But it doesnt matter. He isnt willing to give up his lifestyle. And no matter how many times he calls me each week, how many emails he has sent me this weekend (more than 2 years after we ended it) and what he does to try to stay a part of my life. HES STILL MARRIED

 

And the result would be no different if i hadnt had an A with him. Hed still be married.

 

So this guy isnt going to leave becuase you sleep with him. He can "know" you without having sex with you. He can "know" his own mind regarding wehther he is leaving without having sex with you.

 

You WORK with him. GET OUT NOW.

 

Im sure you are a great girl and if he cares about you at all and wants a future with you, he will work it out and get out of his marriage. You dont have to "audition" for him and put yourself in an awkward position at work.

 

And DONT sleep with any more married men in your office. You arent cut out for it and it would be a shame for this sort of thing to compromise your career.

 

Im fairly certain you wont listen to me or anyone else but this idea that if you stick it out you could wind up together becaus so many other APs you know made it happen is very very naive.

 

You are already anxious. That is only going to get worse.

 

And you are showing a TOTAL lack of respect for yourself by not asking what is up. Why if you value yourself would you put yourself in this position without asking what the rules of the game are (or setting them yourself).

 

I can almost guarantee you he will say but we are just having fun I asked you if you were OK with the fact that I was married, you said you were, you rushed us into the sex - why are you making this into a big deal you knew all along I was married.

 

Im afraid twisting yourself into a pretzel to be a good girl and stuff your emotions and generally be his "dream girl" is not going to change that.

 

I dont mean to sound harsh but you are in a bad situation and the longer you stay the harder it will be to extricate yourself.

 

You should NEVER be in a relationshp where you cant express yourself or expect your emotional needs to be met.

 

That is the bottom line and applies to relationships with both married and with single men.

 

Take good care I know its disappointing when you want to hear hang on I bet you are great and he will fall in love with you but that is ugly why do you want to be that woman looking to hook someone else's H.

 

Dont do it