quankanne Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 an old friend called me today to update me on a conversation she'd had with a mutual high school classmate last night, and sad to say, this girl (I'll call her E.V., for emotional vampire) is still singing the same old whine and dance routine about how awful her life is, and that she's not "successful" (voted our senior year as Most Likely to Be Successful in Life), and how everything is working against her. can't find work – but when my friend told her about several secretarial openings with the state highway patrol, E.V. made excuses. Friend is a single mom, also, told her she understood, but that sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do in order to provide for your kids. E.V. starts in on her ex-husband (who she cheated on), about how he didn't love her and insinuated that he was abusive; friend tells her that while she felt for her, she didn't know the whole story, just one side, E.V. quickly drops subject. after nearly an hour of listening to this, my girlfriend tells her flat-out that she needed to drop the negativity or she'd never get anywhere in life, and that even though the opportunities might not exactly be what she wanted, they were still opportunities to be considered. Result? E.V. bursts into tears, telling my friend that she just couldn't continue the conversation with her. how is it that she can expect others to listen to her poor-me stories, but cuts them off the minute they stop showing sympathy? This has been going on since we were in middle school, about 35 years! can someone really stay an emotional vampire that long, or is there hope that these people actually start seeing the light?
TaraMaiden Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Not always no. If it's been a lifelong habit though, I see little hope in her ever changing. it's easier to change if the E.V. behaviour is recent, maybe as a result of depression. but your EV seems to have an ingrained attitude that might even be a genetic defect.... If one or both of her parents are like this, or she was conditioned from an early age to be like this.... well.... Ditch her, basically. That said, I doubt your friend will hear from her again......
Author quankanne Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 she's adopted, so I don't know what her psychological "ancestry" is, though I suspect some mild form of depression ... possibly untreated. the sad thing is, she is a likeable person when she's not so dang self-involved, but at some point it's inevitable that the self-pitying begins. I thought it was just ME being impatient, but after this morning's phone call from my friend, I see that she really does rub people the wrong way. I feel for her – she's had to deal with a lot, but other people have it worse off ... and don't wail or gnash their teeth endlessly! for the most part, I don't really reach out unless there's a specific reason (her daughter graduated high school, class reunion, etc), and I'm guessing because I'm so "unsympathetic," she doesn't really want much to do with me ...
Gingerblue Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I had a friend like this, up until recently. I ended up cutting her off and don't speak to her anymore. She was/is the most negative person I had ever met. Even if things were going positively for her, she found some way to ruin it or find fault with it. A real downer. This woman though, I've only known for a few years so it was no big loss to end the friendship. I really never enjoyed her company in the least. I believe she has been this way all her life, based on things she told me. What's most frustrating is she would ask for advice and receive it...only to go on and do the total opposite. So, I see your frustration. It's hard to deal with people that not only have problems...(we ALL do)..but who do absolutely nothing to try to fix things and/or make excuses for their bad behavior, blaming others all the time.
Citizen Erased Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I now work with someone like this. She's constantly complaining about how crappy her life is. She started with me after I'd been there a week. Sometimes I think these people talk because they like the sound of their own voice.
blueyedgrl85 Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 how is it that she can expect others to listen to her poor-me stories, but cuts them off the minute they stop showing sympathy? This has been going on since we were in middle school, about 35 years! can someone really stay an emotional vampire that long, or is there hope that these people actually start seeing the light? It sounds like she has sort of a dominant and/or needy personality, meaning that she doesn't have time to listen to others because she's too busy spinning out of control with her own problems. With this type of person, we're meant to listen, to be receptive, and supply them with our energy like we're batteries. after nearly an hour of listening to this, my girlfriend tells her flat-out that she needed to drop the negativity or she'd never get anywhere in life, and that even though the opportunities might not exactly be what she wanted, they were still opportunities to be considered. Result? E.V. bursts into tears, telling my friend that she just couldn't continue the conversation with her. Though she burst into tears, what your friend did was very good- she set limits. By doing this and refusing to "sympathize" or enable the girl to keep talking, she is forcing her to stand on her own two feet. Some people cannot be helped - maybe the time isn't right, maybe they just aren't ready to hear the truth, maybe they can't see the problem... It is best then to just walk away. (Or hang up the phone in this case.)
FitChick Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I got rid of the emotional vampires in my life and feel so much better. To ease them out, if you'd feel guilty about just cutting them off abruptly, when they start singing the same old song say, "Hmm. Interesting" and then change the subject, "Did you see Dancing with the Stars last night?" If you do this often enough, they will eventually find sympathy elsewhere. You won't have to feel guilty!
Author quankanne Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 I don't really feel guilty anymore for limiting contact with her, but I worry about her being so entrenched in her misery that she lets a perfectly good life slip by. Another friend pointed out that it's entirely possible she's going to be like this when her kids have families of their own, and she's going to scare off the grandkids. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, you know?
Peaceful Guy Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 dude, don't nickname your friend emotional vampire..
ANJL_BEING Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I have friends like that, and I let them know the truth. Everyone needs tough love, not to be given up on. This girl obviously has problems and low self-esteem. If you want to be a helpful, caring friend, (or if your friend wants to be), then stick with her, but keeping giving tough love, but gently. You can't put yourself in someone else's shoes until you've been there. I understand the debbie downer effect, but there is a way to get a point across without being unkind or belittling.
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