khria Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 What do you think of being in a relationship where a guy -doesn't really plan dates (spending time together is more like casually hanging out, movies on the couch) -doesn't really bring you gifts, flowers, etc. -and where the both of you alternate on going dutch @ restaurants. Do you have certain 'expectations' in the beginning of the relationship for how much a guy should be willing to openly 'court' you with dates and flowers, etc. I'm not really a sentimental person, but my bf of 2 months doesn't really do these things. At first, I thought it wouldn't bother me (I pride myself on not being high maintenance). But now I've started to wonder. i.e. I hear all of these stories from girlfriends about the little gifts their bfs get them, and the dates, etc. that they plan, and now I'm wondering... how important is it to women that a guy reasonably 'shell out' in the beginning of a relationship? (i.e. I'm *not* asking the gold-diggers). Thanks.
Twenty-ten Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 You set the precedence to be treated like you want to be treated. If you let him make no effort at first, and insist on going dutch and let him get away with making no plans or effort to be around you well guess what? That's exactly what you will end up with. A lot of women seem to argue the fact that they are not "prostitutes" who should be paid for their affection, but those same women turn around and later (once the relationships sets in and realize what they are stuck with) wonder in amazement how other women get men to do incredibly romantic and meaningful gestures for them. Let me tell you, it does not happen by accepting no effort from him during the early dating days. The amount of times a few of my girlfriends have said to me "wow no guy has ever done that for me..." when I express the things guys do for me yet when they date guys in the early stages they insist on doing all the work because they want "equality" Cool have equality in romance, even take pride in being independent and a modern woman who doesn't need to be treated like anything less than a man but don't complain you don't get romantic gestures later down the line.
electricity Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Are you both employed? If he's in school and/or money's tight, I think it's a fairly reasonable that he doesn't drop a lot of cash on you. Otherwise, I think it's really up to the couple. What exactly are you wondering? The importance of gifts is different for each woman. I personally don't like the generic flowers/chocolate route, so I was much more pleased when my boyfriend showed up with a movie I'd mentioned several week prior and a bottle of wine. If you discover that gifts are important to you, ask yourself why. Do you want a guy to take care of you? Do you want to be able to brag about what he gives you to your friends? Or do you just want him to show that he cares? If you want to shake things up, you could start dropping hints about things you'd like. Maybe he just doesn't know what you're into/what you'd like. Summer's coming up, you could comment on how nice it'd be to have a picnic, or how you saw some kids flying a kite the other day and it reminded you of how much fun kites are. You could also make romantic gestures for him - invite him over for a special homemade dinner, light some candles. Guys sometimes need a little push or even just the green light for being romantic; maybe he thinks you don't want those things, since that's the vibe you seem to have been giving off.
yume Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I don't like getting gifts from anyone for no particular reason...I just don't like the idea of someone spending money on me. Even within a relationship it's a stretch for me to get flowers - yes I love them, but if it happens too often....it becomes too much. I don't want chocolates, or stuffed animals, or mushy crap like that. However, I do think in order to keep a relationship interesting, both need to make it interesting by planning activities to do together. Yes, planning romantic dates is included because everyone wants to feel desired and special. My advice to you would be to try planning a nice date and see how he reacts to it. Maybe he'll get the message and try it out himself.
SoccerPlaya Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 It's important to set your standards early in a relationship. It's a lot harder to change as time goes on. You don't have to be high maintenance but you certainly don't want to be NO maintenance! If you want him to step up you should communicate that to him - just make sure not to whine about it. If he cant respect that, then he's not long term material anyway.
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