Can taking a break be healthy?

[extraordinarymachine]

I usually am of the opinion that taking a break is just a way to stave off a breakup that both or one person is not ready to give in to.

 

However, I think things may be legitimately different in my current relationship.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and have been mostly very happy together. We are best friends and have a truly satisfying relationship in most areas. However, he graduated from college about six months ago and has been struggling since then because he has not found a job. I am about to graduate also and the pressure has been mounting on our relationship. I have a hard time not asking him if he is making progress in his job search, and he is very embarrassed and angry about it to the point where he gets defensive, and it's been causing tension. We recently had a conversation in which he was very honest with me that he is feeling very depressed, perhaps drinking and smoking too much to cope, and has lost respect for himself. He feels that he needs to step away from our relationship for a time in order to get things right in his life, and I can't say I don't agree. He is not the same person I have known for all this time right now and he admits that he needs to sort these things out without my help. He wants to get some therapy, quit using substances to cope, and set some goals for the future without me holding his hand because he feels he needs to do this for himself, not just because I want him to. I told him I support his decision and that I would back away for a time and let him contact me when he is ready. Our conversation was loving and supportive though we were both very upset and crying, understandably. We both were clear about the fact that we are not angry with each other and he made it clear he is not trying to "punish" me by pushing me out of his life, but rather that he feels he needs to work on himself a bit before he can be the kind of man who can love me like I deserve to be loved.

 

I know many people think a break is one person "trying out" a new partner, but I truly know that my boyfriend has no one else he is interested in, so I'd discourage responses that suggest he is cheating because I know unequivocally that is not the case.

 

Any opinions on this situation?

Edited May 14, 2010 by extraordinarymachine

[Drummergirl_23]

A break is mostly one person testing the waters on how it would feel to fully break up. I know you don't wanna hear that. I went through this a few months ago. In the end, the same problems were there and 3 months later, we are done for good. Try your hardest not to think about what his intentions are or whether you are gonna get back together. I know its hard, but take this time to work on yourself too. In addition, I think that the only way a break can work is if it is a fairly long break (i.e. months) with no contact.

[Ilovecake]

Everything he said sounds pretty legitimate, however I also have the feeling that he feels overwhelmed by your demands for him to start working. I don't know if you two live together or what your financial involvement with him is but right now it is extremely difficult to find employment, especially for a new graduate. The added pressure of someone constantly badgering you when you're already at the end of your rope can be extremely stressful. I can understand why he needs to pull away. The only way you will know if you guys will last in the long run is with time. See how he communicates with you during this break. If he's reluctant to stay in touch with you than I would think he wants to end things. However if he keeps the lines open but truly just needs to not have the added pressure of another person pushing him then you guys have a chance. Either way I really would advise against pestering him at this point and let him come to you. Like you said you are willing to back off and that's awesome as long as you truly stick to that.

[hoping2heal]

I usually am of the opinion that taking a break is just a way to stave off a breakup that both or one person is not ready to give in to.

 

However, I think things may be legitimately different in my current relationship.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and have been mostly very happy together. We are best friends and have a truly satisfying relationship in most areas. However, he graduated from college about six months ago and has been struggling since then because he has not found a job. I am about to graduate also and the pressure has been mounting on our relationship. I have a hard time not asking him if he is making progress in his job search, and he is very embarrassed and angry about it to the point where he gets defensive, and it's been causing tension. We recently had a conversation in which he was very honest with me that he is feeling very depressed, perhaps drinking and smoking too much to cope, and has lost respect for himself. He feels that he needs to step away from our relationship for a time in order to get things right in his life, and I can't say I don't agree. He is not the same person I have known for all this time right now and he admits that he needs to sort these things out without my help. He wants to get some therapy, quit using substances to cope, and set some goals for the future without me holding his hand because he feels he needs to do this for himself, not just because I want him to. I told him I support his decision and that I would back away for a time and let him contact me when he is ready. Our conversation was loving and supportive though we were both very upset and crying, understandably. We both were clear about the fact that we are not angry with each other and he made it clear he is not trying to "punish" me by pushing me out of his life, but rather that he feels he needs to work on himself a bit before he can be the kind of man who can love me like I deserve to be loved.

 

I know many people think a break is one person "trying out" a new partner, but I truly know that my boyfriend has no one else he is interested in, so I'd discourage responses that suggest he is cheating because I know unequivocally that is not the case.

 

Any opinions on this situation?

 

Well, why it's understandable that you'd be concerned. I had to wonder..what do you mean that you have a hard time not asking him about the job progress? It just results in him feeling like more of a failure. Why couldn't you be supportive of him rather than having to do that to the guy? I think it's wonderful that he's deciding he wants to get some help for the depression and rely less on substances to cope but it's also very likely the reason he feels he needs to take a break away from you, is because you are making him feel that way. He feels inferior and unworthy of you right now, when really he needs your support and love.

[USMCHokie]

OP,

 

Your story is almost identical to mine...ex felt stressed by her career situation and wanted to get her life together...but without me...I'll never know if it was the real reason for the breakup, but I guess it ended up being the best decision for the both of us...

 

I don't expect her to ever contact me again, so I'd say that you shouldn't live your life expecting that he'll ever come around...move on and be happy...

[extraordinarymachine]

Thank you for the replies.

 

Just to clear things up, he has not actually been applying for jobs in the past six months, merely talking about it and being extremely nervous about actually beginning. There are a lot of factors there that include lack of family support and also him being confused about what he even wants to do (I don't think he knows). If he were actively looking and getting shot down in the process I would be relieved that he was at least trying and not nagging him to try harder, I know the job market is so bad right now.

[extraordinarymachine]

bumping this because I'd appreciate more feedback.

 

Anybody been the person on the other end of this situation? Needing some time to figure out your life but still loving the person? I really think this is the one time where "It's not you, it's me" applies...

[davisc123]

I am in the same situation, but on the other end. I dont know if what i'll say will help though

 

In my situation my girlfriend of 4 years cheated. A long story behind it but basically I was gobsmacked and it totally broke my spirit and self esteem. At first I finished it, even though I still love her so much. But she persisted that she was sorry and had made a big mistake and so I took her back...

 

fast forward a couple of months, I tried to give it a shot but was miserable all the time, and she was at how she had changed me with her actions. We both still love each other dearly, want to spend our lives together but I had to ask for a break to build myself up and regain my happiness.

 

Will it work? I dont know,I have my doubts. But the difference in my case is that there is a trust issue. I basically told her to stay out of contact while I try and get some normality back in my life and come out of the depression. I will stay true to her and I think that is of utmost importance.

 

I would give your boyfriend the time and space he needs to clear his head and deal with his own issues, like you say hes not the person you fell in love with anymore. But if he is like me then be sure that there is definitely hope. If it is meant to be then you guys will get back together even stronger than before, of that I am sure. Remember that the pressure of having to prove himself to you (even if it is only in his head), to prove his worthiness, probably puts a lot of strain on him. Maybe without that he will be able to get himself that job.

 

Hope it all works out for the best.

[extraordinarymachine]

Thanks for the honest and thoughtful reply, Davis.

 

I think in the end nobody can truly predict what will happen but the love there is very strong and hopefully it can be enough to make it through some rough waters. If not, it just wasn't in the cards. One day at a time...