KafkasLastWords Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Many of you may be able to relate to parts of my story. I had been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years (two months shy of our anniversary). A month ago, he broke it off what seemed like out of nowhere. We met through a friend when neither of us was looking and, from day one, we had a bond no one could deny. Over the years our relationship only grew stronger and anytime something difficult happened in either of our lives (layoffs, family problems, etc.) we’d be there for each other, stick together, and come out stronger the other end. To me, that meant we would last the long haul. We’d reached “the age” (he turned 30 last year and I was 29) and most of our friends were getting married. We literally had 7 weddings nearly back to back. He always said I was the one and that he saw a future with me, even though he had commitment issues. His parents had a REALLY screwed up marriage and broke up and got back together again and again over the past 32 years. He used to say things like “his life is over” when anyone would get married or have a child. Last year all that seemed to change and I thought he was maturing and growing beyond his issues. He started to constantly talk about how he couldn’t wait to marry me, he told my friends and family, he made me do the bouquet toss and hoped I’d catch it at every wedding (even though I think it is a stupid tradition). He always said once he got a new job, since his old one didn’t pay well and he’d had some financial trouble, he wanted to get me a ring. This year began and we both started new jobs… everything was GREAT! I started to put the pressure on to get engaged, which I wish I could take back. He’d been asking me to live together for over a year. He believes in living together before being engaged, I personally wanted to be engaged before living together so there was a power struggle about that but that isn’t enough to break what we had. Finally I agreed to move in with him under the condition that engagement was only a couple months away (a suggestion provided by people I wish I didn’t listen to). In early March he called his management company to tell them he was terminating his lease early so we could move in together. After that point, I started noticing he was pulling away. At the end of March he sent them his official letter of lease termination. Three days later he told me he wasn’t happy and he wanted time to think… 4 days after that he broke up with me. We had this amazing supportive relationship that ended so abruptly. There were no signs of anything at all being wrong until it became real. It’s been a month and we haven’t talked at all. A week before any of this happened he was talking about getting a TV for our new place and planning a vacation. I am devastated and don’t understand what happened. Did he freak out? Did he fall out of love with me in a month? Everyone we know in common has been saying he has been robotic, withdrawn and depressed. His parents have called me crying – when he called to tell them they thought he was calling to say we were engaged because he’d told them he planned to propose to me. I am so lost… please help [/FONT]L[FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE]
Ronni_W Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Hi KLW. Sorry for what you're going through. Have you considered calling him and asking him if he has any interest in getting professional help to work through his "commitment issues"? If he is open to that, there is the chance that he will, at some point, allow himself to consider that his marriage won't look like his parents'. Until he does undertake individual therapy, though, he is going to stick with this pattern of trying to be emotionally engaged but then pulling back (getting scared) when he reaches his 'upper limit'. Even if he is willing to heal himself, it is going to be a long process. Unfortunately, all you can do in the meantime is to ask him to call when he's recovered sufficiently...and to just carry on with the rest of your life on the assumption that there won't be any reconciliation. A book that may help you understand the relationship dynamics better is, 'Drama Kings: The Men Who Drive Strong Women Crazy' by Dalma Heyn. On sale for 4U$ at BookCloseOuts.com (you could also consider gifting him a copy of his own, so that he can start to understand a bit of his own fear-driven behaviour.) Despite the title, it's not about melodrama but the more deep-seated fears that block men and women from being able to genuinely connect. It's not much, I know. And it's likely too late, as well. But it can help you to realize that no matter what you might have done differently, it was always going to end with him getting scared and running away. There were no signs of anything at all being wrong Yes, there was. You both ignored, denied or pretended away the fact that he has "commitment issues" as the result of his parents' REALLY screwed-up marriage. That was not going to go away without him doing the healing/recovery work. (It's also why there was nothing that you could have done differently that would have effected a different outcome.) Hugs. I'm sorry that you're hurting. I'll keep good thoughts that you two can turn this around.
Author KafkasLastWords Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 Thank you for the book recommendation... I'll check it out. It's been incredibly hard. I don't want to reach out to him because I don't want him to feel like I'm smothering him or chasing him. For now I've decided to leave him be and let him go through whatever this is. I feel like a crazy person because I want badly to move on with my life and prevail, happier than ever, but in my gut I feel it isn't over.
Sari Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I am in the exact same situation, 4.5 years, we broke up for some of it (he ran scared after we moved in), he begged me to come back, waited for me for months, 8 months later (last week), went to look at houses, dumped in the evening. I called him out on his commitment phobia and he admitted it wholeheartedly, says he still loves me, just couldn't take the pressure etc. No relationship is perfect but we were a complete meeting of minds. I know he loves me so much still and is hurting too. This absolutely sucks. Have you noticed that this is a pattern in his life? My ex is 32 and is currently living back with his mum, has no savings and bad debts, can't drive... he basically lives like a child because he is scared to commit to the real world. He runs whenever things get too hard. Your ex may be similar. I am trying really hard to figure out what to do at this point, I also have terrible commitment issues and have run in the past from him but now I'm ready to man up and commit, having therapy, talking myself out of anxiety and irrational thoughts, living healthy, the works. He knows this and now he has fled in a panic. I don't know what your chances are of getting back together, either he will realise that he is nuts and will come running back, or his commitment issues will be so bad that he'll run and keep running. Either way, he needs to get some help if commitmentphobia is the problem. But how to get a man to therapy...? Big hugs, I know your pain.
BiAxident Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Sounds like a case of commitment-phobia, brought upon by living with the pattern his parents laid down. While the reasons are probably different, I can identify with his behavior. The best thing for you may be to view the last five years as being something other than wasted or "down the drain". Certainly, you've learned something about yourself/others and what you would/wouldn't want out of future relationships? As for him, the best thing is probably therapy. Unfortunately, therapy is often expensive, unless you are in very dire straits.
Author KafkasLastWords Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 I am focusing on me, not on getting him to therapy. Besides, I wouldn't have any luck even if I tried. We've had no contact at all since he broke it off and even if we did, he's very resistant to facing anything that is emotionally difficult. Friends of his have told me he won't talk about this or anything of any significance and has essentially shut down. I know I should be angry and not care about him since he didn't care about me when he made this decision but I find myself genuinely worried about him.
Author KafkasLastWords Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 Have you noticed that this is a pattern in his life? My ex is 32 and is currently living back with his mum, has no savings and bad debts, can't drive... he basically lives like a child because he is scared to commit to the real world. He runs whenever things get too hard. Your ex may be similar. I am trying really hard to figure out what to do at this point, I also have terrible commitment issues and have run in the past from him but now I'm ready to man up and commit, having therapy, talking myself out of anxiety and irrational thoughts, living healthy, the works. Sari, thanks for the support. How are you holding up? When you guys have broken up in the past, how long did that usually last for? Have you spoken? It is really good that you are doing the therapy and taking positive steps for you... but those are for you and will be valuable regardless of whether you end up with him or not. I'm also in therapy, working out, trying to take care of me for me. As for my ex, he has almost perfect credit and is mature financially but he is extremely underdeveloped and immature emotionally. The idea of marriage or growing up freaks him out. He had severe anxiety about turning 30 last year and guess who got him through that... ME! I have held his hand through so much. I also had commitment issues of my own that I worked through to make our relationship work. My parents had a horrible marriage and even worse divorce so the idea of trusting someone and getting married was always incredibly scary. I just hope this doesn't deepend my existing trust issues...
BiAxident Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 As for my ex, he has almost perfect credit and is mature financially but he is extremely underdeveloped and immature emotionally. The idea of marriage or growing up freaks him out. I would say that, perhaps you can sit down and discuss with him what parts of "growing up" freak him out (parenthood? loss of freedom? loss of free time?) but if he isn't speaking to you, clearly that isn't an option. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but is it the case that you are stuck in it? As an emotionally immature 30 year old, I can assure you that there are plenty of gentlemen out there who have already "grown up" and are ready to "settle down". I wish I were one of them, but like your X, the idea scares me.
Author KafkasLastWords Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 I would say that, perhaps you can sit down and discuss with him what parts of "growing up" freak him out (parenthood? loss of freedom? loss of free time?) but if he isn't speaking to you, clearly that isn't an option. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but is it the case that you are stuck in it? As an emotionally immature 30 year old, I can assure you that there are plenty of gentlemen out there who have already "grown up" and are ready to "settle down". I wish I were one of them, but like your X, the idea scares me. Do you mind if I ask why it scares you? Does it scare you enough that you'd shut yourself off from the love of your life to avoid it?
Sari Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Sari, thanks for the support. How are you holding up? When you guys have broken up in the past, how long did that usually last for? Have you spoken? It is really good that you are doing the therapy and taking positive steps for you... but those are for you and will be valuable regardless of whether you end up with him or not. I'm also in therapy, working out, trying to take care of me for me. As for my ex, he has almost perfect credit and is mature financially but he is extremely underdeveloped and immature emotionally. The idea of marriage or growing up freaks him out. He had severe anxiety about turning 30 last year and guess who got him through that... ME! I have held his hand through so much. I also had commitment issues of my own that I worked through to make our relationship work. My parents had a horrible marriage and even worse divorce so the idea of trusting someone and getting married was always incredibly scary. I just hope this doesn't deepend my existing trust issues... Hi, sorry for the late reply, I'm trying not to check in too often (although I still just think about him all day!) To answer your questions, last time he left me for 7 weeks, apparently he realised he had made a mistake after a month or so, a mutual friend told him I kissed some other guy and he said it was like a punch in the stomach and started realising that he wanted me back... he sent me a mad soppy email saying he would love, worship and adore me forever if only I would have him back, he promised he would never leave again and whenever he thought about what he'd done he start crying... I was confused by that point and asked if we could take it slow, then I ended up breaking up with him for a few months (this time last year) when I realised that I still had feelings for another guy that I met during our split, also he had hurt me so badly I was still a confused mess... I thought long and hard about what I wanted, it was tempting to just cut and run as I am also a terrible commitment-phobe but I decided it was time to grow up and stop running from the man I loved, so I came back, a bit shaky at first but over the last 8 months I thought we had both reached a place where we were over our commitment problems and were truly, deeply in love. Well, as soon as I made this evident to him and started talking seriously about our future, zffft, off he went. Obviously only one of us had bothered working on our problems. It's now been 5 and a half weeks and I sent him a quite dignified email calling him a commitment-phobe and requested that he NOT reply, he sent me a jumbled mess of "I love you, I regret this, I need to be free, wish things could be different blah", I rang him and he basically said he probably would come back and that I'm the girl for him but he's a scared mess atm, rang him the next day, stupidly told him I would wait for him, he was out with his friends including this new tramp whoever she is, I died a million deaths, he said the same old crap to me, I went NC for 3 weeks then sent him a mad ranty email telling him exactly how hurt and miserable I am, I BEGGED him not to reply and even hinted that I may do something to myself if he did, told him I didn't want to hear "You'll always be special" or any other platitudes, he replied anyway "Blah, love you, can't deal with what I've done, think about you all the time, I stay away as I'm an unreliable mess, you should stay away from me, do you want me to come to counselling with you". Obviously this was just more commitment-phobe rambling so I waited a few days then sent him a short reply saying that if he wanted counselling for himself then he should go and if he wants to speak to me then I'm here to listen but ultimately all this is his choice and he has to make the decision himself. This time I did not ask that he not reply, and guess what? He hasn't replied! For three days now! Sorry this is all coming out in a jumble but I did want to reply to you, but these are some of the most painful things I've ever had to type so I have to stop here. Hope you're doing better than me xx
Author KafkasLastWords Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 Oh I'm really sorry to hear that Honestly, maybe you should come here more often. Type the things you want to write to him but write it here instead. I have come here when I felt weak or like I may try to contact him. I am actually very proud to say I haven't tried to contact him at all since we broke up nearly 9 weeks ago... doesn't mean I am "feeling" any better than you are though. I can't really enjoy anything which is really sad because I'm normally an incredibly energetic, enthusiastic person who loves to plan fun stuff and bring people together. I'm going to have to say that this idea of NC does help the healing process. Everytime I hear anything about him - because we do have some mutual friends - I go spiraling downwards. I have tried to create some distance with them and hope they understand it doesn't mean I don't care... just that it isn't healthy for me. I have seen photos of him as recently as this past weekend and he looks like absolute CRAP! I have no idea what happened to him in the past 2 months but he looks awful. I did also hear that he is seeing someone - someone I had a bad feeling about from his job - which, in your words, "made me die a thousand deaths" when I heard. Point being, if hearing about him does this to me, I can't even imagine what contacting him does to you. I am a commitmentphobe too... broken family etc etc... but I think this is a time to work on those issues for me, not for him. That way, if by some miracle we end up back together, I'll have worked on some stuff but the things I'm working on would be beneficial to me if I meet someone else instead.
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