What's the difference between a date and hanging out?

[somedude81]

I'm seriously confused. When is a date a date? Is there anything wrong with hanging out? If I say, "Hey lets get some lunch" to a girl I talked to a few times in school, what does she think it is? What do girls think about single guys who want to spend time with them? Are certain activities a date while others are not?

[Ihavenoidea]

Common theme is if the guy pays its a date. You might just be trying to be nice by paying but it might come across as a date, or you could simply say "want to get some lunch, its not a date just hanging out" or something.

 

I have never had to say anything but dont be flirty or offer to pay.

[zebracolors]

If its a girl you know well, and maybe have been friends with her a while then yeah its just hanging out with a friend, and she probably does not see it as a "date" date. Someone you just met that really doesn't know you yet, then yes she might wonder what your intentions are initially. Is this girl someone you like a little though or just really only see yourself as being friends with? If its the latter, then I would go with noidea's advice, and just keep it very casual and friendly.

[ADF]

I think your question hits on a pretty important difference between the way men and women percieve things.

 

Men--especially younger men--almost never go out of their way to befriend women unless they are attracted to them. Almost never. If a man makes any effort at all to spend time with a woman, chances are he has the hots for her.

 

Women usually aren't like that. Women are much more likely to make an effort to make platonic male friends. They don't usually need a romantic or sexual incentive to make them feel the effort is worthwhile.

 

What this means in term of your question is that men and women are often at cross purposes. When a man asks a woman out, he often takes it for granted she understands it is a date. Why else would he bother asking? For the woman, however, this may be unclear. If she has known the man for some time, she may assume it isn't a date unless he makes it plain to her that it is.

[marsle85]

Hanging out is the lazy man's way to spend time with her (...like "hey, wanna come over and watch a movie?") without having to take her out, and pay for her meal.

 

When I'm asked to hang out, I assume we're going to make out, possibly hook up- and I will NOT be romanced.

 

Lunch? Lunch is a date, who are you fooling?

[brainygirl]

I think your question hits on a pretty important difference between the way men and women percieve things.

 

Men--especially younger men--almost never go out of their way to befriend women unless they are attracted to them. Almost never. If a man makes any effort at all to spend time with a woman, chances are he has the hots for her.

 

Women usually aren't like that. Women are much more likely to make an effort to make platonic male friends. They don't usually need a romantic or sexual incentive to make them feel the effort is worthwhile.

 

What this means in term of your question is that men and women are often at cross purposes. When a man asks a woman out, he often takes it for granted she understands it is a date. Why else would he bother asking? For the woman, however, this may be unclear. If she has known the man for some time, she may assume it isn't a date unless he makes it plain to her that it is.

 

I think this is why communication is important. Women really do liek to hear, "hey you are really nice (note I said nice, not hot or cute or sexy) why don't we get a bite to eat" to me that would be a date, especially if he picked me up and paid.

 

To hear "hey I'm going to get a sandwich, wanna keep me company" to me is just a platonic thing.

 

Its in how you go about it.

[somedude81]

Common theme is if the guy pays its a date. You might just be trying to be nice by paying but it might come across as a date, or you could simply say "want to get some lunch, its not a date just hanging out" or something.

 

I have never had to say anything but dont be flirty or offer to pay.

Heh, my whole intention is to have a date. I don't want girls to think that I just want to be friends.

 

Would suggesting that I pay for her lunch or coffee/whatever let her know that I think it's a date?

 

If its a girl you know well, and maybe have been friends with her a while then yeah its just hanging out with a friend, and she probably does not see it as a "date" date. Someone you just met that really doesn't know you yet, then yes she might wonder what your intentions are initially. Is this girl someone you like a little though or just really only see yourself as being friends with? If its the latter, then I would go with noidea's advice, and just keep it very casual and friendly.

 

Say I met a girl in a class, after sitting next to and talking to her for a month I finally suggest getting lunch with her. Has too much time passed where she already thinks of me just as a friend? Also due to the nature of college we can only talk for about 5-10 minutes before class starts and we'd only see each other 2-3 times a week.

 

Men--especially younger men--almost never go out of their way to befriend women unless they are attracted to them. Almost never. If a man makes any effort at all to spend time with a woman, chances are he has the hots for her.

 

Women usually aren't like that. Women are much more likely to make an effort to make platonic male friends. They don't usually need a romantic or sexual incentive to make them feel the effort is worthwhile.

 

What this means in term of your question is that men and women are often at cross purposes. When a man asks a woman out, he often takes it for granted she understands it is a date. Why else would he bother asking? For the woman, however, this may be unclear. If she has known the man for some time, she may assume it isn't a date unless he makes it plain to her that it is.

 

ADF, you have very good insight. You've described me perfectly. If I'm not attracted to a girl, I won't even bother trying to hold a conversation with her, let alone try to do something with her.

 

Would I actually have to say, "We're going on a date" for her to figure it out?

 

Hanging out is the lazy man's way to spend time with her (...like "hey, wanna come over and watch a movie?") without having to take her out, and pay for her meal.

 

When I'm asked to hang out, I assume we're going to make out, possibly hook up- and I will NOT be romanced.

 

Lunch? Lunch is a date, who are you fooling?

Wait, you will make out/hook up and not be romanced? So there is no point to romance?

 

I always thought lunch was a date. I prefer getting lunch with a new girl over dinner because it's more casual and usually cheaper than dinner. I haven't actually paid for a girl yet but I really doubt that paying for her is going to make a difference if we get physical or not.

 

I think this is why communication is important. Women really do liek to hear, "hey you are really nice (note I said nice, not hot or cute or sexy) why don't we get a bite to eat" to me that would be a date, especially if he picked me up and paid.

 

To hear "hey I'm going to get a sandwich, wanna keep me company" to me is just a platonic thing.

 

Its in how you go about it.

What if we are in school then we walk from the classroom to where we are going to eat?

 

I'll give an example that happened last month.

 

Girl I've been talking to in class for a couple of weeks. I tell her, "Hey lets go get something to eat." We walk to the campus bar and grill. We both pay for our own food. We talk about our hobbies, interests and goals. After that we walk about 10 minutes to the Japanese garden and walk and talk there. Then we walk to the bus stop and she leaves.

 

Was that a date or just hanging out?

[Cracker Jack]

I think both go hand-in-hand. The context, well, mostly depends on both parties; mainly the girl, in your situation. I guess something like, going to the park, or sitting in your living room watching movies would be considered "hanging out", while going out to dinner and a movie would be dating.

 

However, even then, some girls will probably just think you're hanging out, even if it takes place in a restaurant, which I've seen done before. Usually you can get a good feel on if what you're doing is actually dating, or simply just hanging out. I think the issue here is the difference on how both of you see it while it's taking place. That never helps.

[electricity]

I'll give an example that happened last month.

 

Girl I've been talking to in class for a couple of weeks. I tell her, "Hey lets go get something to eat." We walk to the campus bar and grill. We both pay for our own food. We talk about our hobbies, interests and goals. After that we walk about 10 minutes to the Japanese garden and walk and talk there. Then we walk to the bus stop and she leaves.

 

Was that a date or just hanging out?

 

That's hanging out. One of two things generally indicate to me it's a date:

 

1) He specifically says, "Would you like to go out with me sometime." After your meal/walk/talk, you could have followed up with "This was fun. I'd like to get to know you better, can I take you to dinner Friday night?" This is probably the better route for you if you have some idea that she's already interested in you.

 

2) He insists on paying at the end of the meal. If you're not sure she'll agree to a date off the bat, you can just "hang out" and grab some food, talk, build up a connection, then tell her you'll take the bill. It gives her a chance to become interested in you. If you want to make it even more certain, you could always tack on, "Let me get this one. Just say you'll go out with me again."

[marsle85]

 

 

Wait, you will make out/hook up and not be romanced? So there is no point to romance?

 

I always thought lunch was a date. I prefer getting lunch with a new girl over dinner because it's more casual and usually cheaper than dinner. I haven't actually paid for a girl yet but I really doubt that paying for her is going to make a difference if we get physical or not.

 

 

Sure i'll hook up- but I'll never date the guy. Just because i'm not being romanced, doesn't mean I can't have fun too.

 

 

 

What if we are in school then we walk from the classroom to where we are going to eat?

 

I'll give an example that happened last month.

 

Girl I've been talking to in class for a couple of weeks. I tell her, "Hey lets go get something to eat." We walk to the campus bar and grill. We both pay for our own food. We talk about our hobbies, interests and goals. After that we walk about 10 minutes to the Japanese garden and walk and talk there. Then we walk to the bus stop and she leaves.

 

Was that a date or just hanging out?

 

 

What you described was exactly what two dorm-mates would do when they're hungry.

 

First, you didn't remove her from the college. You didn't isolate her, and make the encounter special, or divergent from what she would do with any other friend on campus.

 

Secondly, you didn't pay for her meal. The girl isn't going to be impressed with your hobbies, interests and goals. First date is really too early to concern yourself with that kind of stuff. First date is chemistry, physical attraction, mental stimulation. The early dates are when you pull out the GOOD flirting, and special treatment. Because honestly- what separates you from any other girlfriend or guy who wants to take her on a cheap "not a hang out, but certainly not a date"? She could have done the exact same thing with her best friend.

 

You know very well that if you want to make a girl feel special, or impress her- you take her out, and pay for her meal. This isn't news to you. So drop the laissez-fair attitude and either jump in, or jump out. You're hoping your 20% effort will "cut it" so that you can see her again. Really, do you want a girl who will accept 20%?

 

As I was saying, I would go on your little lunch tête-à-tête, and evenmake out with you a little- but would I consider you dating material? No way. You aren't willing to take a risk, invest a little in me and most of all, you're sending the message to me: "You're good enough for going dutch at the college cafe, but not for me to actually spend $10 to see if things work out".

[USMCHokie]

There is a rather simple solution that I use to resolve this issue.

 

Never use the words "hang out" in the presence of a woman.

[Kaplan]

"Let me get this one. Just say you'll go out with me again."

 

Eww, that sounds pathetic! Don't say that.

 

Anyway, it shouldn't be too hard to make it clear you want to date her. You just have to do something to make it clear it isn't just hanging out. Perhaps just saying, "let me buy you lunch" would be enough.

[somedude81]

Wow marsle85 what a response, it certainly makes me what question what I've been doing.

 

Sure i'll hook up- but I'll never date the guy. Just because i'm not being romanced, doesn't mean I can't have fun too.

Are you talking about a friends with benefit thing? Or am I misunderstanding what you mean about hook up. I don't even really know how that is different from dating.

 

What you described was exactly what two dorm-mates would do when they're hungry.

 

First, you didn't remove her from the college. You didn't isolate her, and make the encounter special, or divergent from what she would do with any other friend on campus.

I've been wondering about that. How what I've done with the girls that I've spent time with could have been done by her best friend. Me being a man who was interested in her probably didn't make any difference.

 

Secondly, you didn't pay for her meal. The girl isn't going to be impressed with your hobbies, interests and goals. First date is really too early to concern yourself with that kind of stuff. First date is chemistry, physical attraction, mental stimulation. The early dates are when you pull out the GOOD flirting, and special treatment.

I didn't know that I had to impress her on the date. My goal was to get to know her better, to express an interest in her.

 

I'm confused by what you mean when you say that a first date is about "chemistry, physical attraction, mental stimulation, GOOD flirting, and special treatment." Can you expand on those?

 

You know very well that if you want to make a girl feel special, or impress her- you take her out, and pay for her meal. This isn't news to you. So drop the laissez-fair attitude and either jump in, or jump out. You're hoping your 20% effort will "cut it" so that you can see her again. Really, do you want a girl who will accept 20%?

 

As I was saying, I would go on your little lunch tête-à-tête, and evenmake out with you a little- but would I consider you dating material? No way. You aren't willing to take a risk, invest a little in me and most of all, you're sending the message to me: "You're good enough for going dutch at the college cafe, but not for me to actually spend $10 to see if things work out".

For me, inviting a girl to do something with me, is taking a HUGE risk. In this situation it took me a month and that's actually one of the shortest times. The last girl took me two semesters to get brave enough to ask her out. Though obviously, the girl has no idea how big of a risk I'm taking with her, so she may see it as something minor.

 

I admit that I wasn't putting 100% effort into her but it was a lot more than 20%. I was also building up momentum and got to the point where I did invite her to do something with me off-campus that was obviously a date and she ended up screwing the whole thing up, which I'm not going to go into here.

 

For me, making out with a girl is a huge accomplishment.

There is a rather simple solution that I use to resolve this issue.

 

Never use the words "hang out" in the presence of a woman.

I never say the words hang out or date in-front of them. Though she did say it to me when we were trying to make plans while we were having lunch. That should have been a red flag to me.

 

Eww, that sounds pathetic! Don't say that.

 

Anyway, it shouldn't be too hard to make it clear you want to date her. You just have to do something to make it clear it isn't just hanging out. Perhaps just saying, "let me buy you lunch" would be enough.

Yeah I don't really agree with what electricity said, it all sounds very weak. No offense but "let me buy you lunch" also sounds weak. My guess is that something like, "Come on, I'll buy you lunch," sounds more masculine.

[Engadget]

I hung out with a girl the other day, and while there seems to be a mutual attraction I pretty much friend zoned her a while back. Something could happen, but I'm not sure I would. She's good looking enough, but she's a little bit all over the place with people she dates or has sex with.

 

Her roommate is weird though. Originally I was asked to move in with them, and I tried talking to her friend to get to know her. According to the other girl, she thought I was trying to get with her despite actually SAYING that I wasn't trying to.

 

Women are strange.

[marsle85]

I didn't know that I had to impress her on the date. My goal was to get to know her better, to express an interest in her.

 

I understand that, and that's great for you- but irrelevant to her. Of course you want to get to know her, you've obviously liked her for a while and think she's cute. But your goals aren't enough. You need to give a girl butterflies, something to think about- not your resume.

 

I'm confused by what you mean when you say that a first date is about "chemistry, physical attraction, mental stimulation, GOOD flirting, and special treatment." Can you expand on those?

When you were with her- you really didn't care what she did in her free time. You didn't care what kind of music she listens to, or how her mother was. You wanted to see her up close, how she walks, how she talks, how she interacts with you. You wanted to be with an attractive girl, you wanted to show your interest.

 

That is chemistry. The two-way verbal and nonverbal communication. First dates test those for compatibility.

 

For me, inviting a girl to do something with me, is taking a HUGE risk. In this situation it took me a month and that's actually one of the shortest times. The last girl took me two semesters to get brave enough to ask her out. Though obviously, the girl has no idea how big of a risk I'm taking with her, so she may see it as something minor.

When a guy comes right up to me and asks if I'd like to do something, I don't go home and think: "I wonder how many weeks he has been planning this". No girl WANTS to think that. She wants to think he is a catch, he's brave, he's not afraid of rejection because he never gets rejected, she wants to know he's so into her, he couldn't wait another second to ask her out. Do not reveal your insecurities. She doesn't want to date her little brother. Even if you're scared, FAKE confidence. Fake it until becomes real.

 

I don't care how hard it is for you. Just because you have security issues, doesn't mean the girl doesn't deserve the best. This is a double edged sword for you. Not only are you missing out on potential dates by holding back, you're completely eliminating the chances you have with the women you DO ask out. A woman who is asked out by a confident man, and taken to a nice place- feels IMPORTANT and a little spoiled. She feels "he thinks I'm worth this. He wants me, and he's brave enough to try..." A woman taken to a cafe college restaurant, by a guy who she can sense insecurity thinks: "aww, he's so cute. He's trying to get to know me, aww did he just ask what kind of music I like?" You. Do. NOT. Want. "Aww". AWW does not bring passion. "Aww" belongs in Dates 4 and 5 when it's OKAY to show your vulnerability, to say: wow, I think I like you. That's when cute is okay.

 

I admit that I wasn't putting 100% effort into her but it was a lot more than 20%. I was also building up momentum and got to the point where I did invite her to do something with me off-campus that was obviously a date and she ended up screwing the whole thing up, which I'm not going to go into here.

She wants to be SWEPT off her feet, not taking babysteps until you're "ready" to pick her up. It's like saying: "i'm going to kiss you in 10 days... 9 days...8 days..."etc. By the time the last day gets there, there is no anticipation or surprise.

 

A girl has no desire or time to warm you up into feeling comfortable enough to ask her on a real date. A real, mature woman wants a real, mature man to step up to the plate. "Momentum" is your way of saying: when I feel comfortable enough that she won't reject me, I'll ask her. That's not exciting or sexy.

Edited May 14, 2010 by marsle85

[Jerry18]

When a guy comes right up to me and asks if I'd like to do something, I don't go home and think: "I wonder how many weeks he has been planning this". No girl WANTS to think that. She wants to think he is a catch, he's brave, he's not afraid of rejection because he never gets rejected, she wants to know he's so into her, he couldn't wait another second to ask her out. Do not reveal your insecurities. She doesn't want to date her little brother. Even if you're scared, FAKE confidence. Fake it until becomes real.

 

I don't care how hard it is for you. Just because you have security issues, doesn't mean the girl doesn't deserve the best. This is a double edged sword for you. Not only are you missing out on potential dates by holding back, you're completely eliminating the chances you have with the women you DO ask out. A woman who is asked out by a confident man, and taken to a nice place- feels IMPORTANT and a little spoiled. She feels "he thinks I'm worth this. He wants me, and he's brave enough to try..." A woman taken to a cafe college restaurant, by a guy who she can sense insecurity thinks: "aww, he's so cute. He's trying to get to know me, aww did he just ask what kind of music I like?" You. Do. NOT. Want. "Aww". AWW does not bring passion. "Aww" belongs in Dates 4 and 5 when it's OKAY to show your vulnerability, to say: wow, I think I like you. That's when cute is okay.

 

Hmmm. I think there are some problems with this. You seems want him to be something he's not. I think that's too demanding and not good for a long-term relationship. Maybe this will get him a one night stand.

 

What happens when you start to be his girlfriend and then he reveals his true personality?

 

Also, you're just filtering out guys who have feelings. You're left with *******s who doesn't give a ****. Maybe that's the kind of people you want, but you shouldn't generalize this to all girls.

Edited May 14, 2010 by Jerry18

[Kaplan]

I've always wondered what it meant when they say "girls want to be swept off their feet." I didn't realize it meant that they wanted guys to seduce them without bothering to get to know them.

[Engadget]

I've always wondered what it meant when they say "girls want to be swept off their feet." I didn't realize it meant that they wanted guys to seduce them without bothering to get to know them.

 

Yeah, her advice while probably true in a lot of cases is something I wouldn't do.

 

I need to get to know women first, and unless they impress me so greatly off the bat, it's gonna take time.

[marsle85]

Hmmm. I think there are some problems with this. You seems want him to be something he's not. I think that's too demanding and not good for a long-term relationship. Maybe this will get him a one night stand.

 

What happens when you start to be his girlfriend and then he reveals his true personality?

 

Also, you're just filtering out guys who have feelings. You're left with *******s who doesn't give a ****. Maybe that's the kind of people you want, but you shouldn't generalize this to all girls.

 

 

You are misinterpreting me. Getting to know one another is what dating is FOR... but he's justifying not taking her on a date because he wants to keep it casual.

 

I'm saying that ideally, you'll have both.

[Green]

Its all semantics really. If you ask a girl to hang out, but you take her to dinner and pay and then try and kiss her ... well thats a date even if you didn't specificaly call it a date. In fact I think its kinda lame to specificaly call something a date unless you are trying to be cute. Might as well just say "I'll take you out for sushi tonight" and leave it at that...

 

All this dating stuff is open to interpretation... when some guy says he hooked up with a girl the other night he might mean sex... and when some girl tells her friends she hooked up with Brad she might just mean kissing...

[alphamale]

a date is where money is spent

[Kaplan]

Its all semantics really. If you ask a girl to hang out, but you take her to dinner and pay and then try and kiss her ... well thats a date even if you didn't specificaly call it a date. In fact I think its kinda lame to specificaly call something a date unless you are trying to be cute. Might as well just say "I'll take you out for sushi tonight" and leave it at that..

 

I agree with this, although most people here probably won't. To me, there's no point in labeling it as a date. It should be pretty obvious if you're attracted to her.

 

And why do we have to know if it's a date or not? We're talking about a girl that he doesn't even really know. How does he know that he's going to want her to be his girlfriend or whatever if doesn't know anything about her? I don't know, maybe that kind of thinking is stupid and will get you stuck in the "friend-zone."

 

Another thing you should think about, is that different girls have different standards for what's a date. For some, lunch, or even coffee, is a date. For others, that stuff doesn't count as a date.

[alphamale]

i gather that only people under 25 actually "hang out"

 

i don't really know what it means

[Engadget]

i gather that only people under 25 actually "hang out"

 

i don't really know what it means

 

Chill, watch a movie, whatever yo. Word.

[marsle85]

Chill, watch a movie, whatever yo. Word.

 

Exactly, allllll convenience.