guarded Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 What does it mean when a guy says: i just want to leave things alone? we're friends, well apparently but it sure doesnt feel that way. he liked me way back, nothing happened. lost touch and well we're trying the friendship again. he's just so touchy these days and i really cant understand why. i cant read him, why cant things just be the way they used to be. i feel like he's distancing himself. cant guys and girls be friends? in fact, shouldnt it be easier when there's no romantic feelings between the two of you? or is there something im missing here or did i read his signals wrong?
Twenty-ten Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Need more info. Who wants to be friends, he or you or does one want more than just friends or at some point wanted more than friends? Was there any romantic rejection at any point? Your post is inconclusive, he wants to leave things just as they are in response to what? Are you pressuring him for stuff?
carhill Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 So, when you and he were 'friends' in the past, were you both single and unattached? Why did you lose touch? Good friends are hard to come by and generally not let go easily. A simple response to his statement is ..... "why? I want to understand better"
Ronni_W Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 What does it mean when a guy says: i just want to leave things alone? Doesn't matter if a guy is saying it, or a girl. It means, "[On this particular subject] I'm happy with the status quo. I don't want to have discussions or experiences that will take me deeper or further than where I am right now. I want to leave matters as they stand right now." But you knew that already, yes?
Author guarded Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 I know this might sound really dumb but i really didnt and still dont understand that message he sent. The situation: we go way back, he had a thing for me years ago and nothing ever came of it because the feeling wasn't mutual, i mean we did share a kiss once but that was as far as we got. I liked him but as a friend, he toyed with the idea of being friends with benefits as an option after nothing came of asking me out but nothing happened because i was never comfortable with the idea. We lost touch after i got into a relationship with someone else. After 4 years we got in touch and again after all the late night chats and exchange of messages we both entertained the idea of being fwb, but somewhere between all this, things started to fall apart. First of all i havnt forced anything on to him, ive given him space when i knew thats what he needed, im there when he needs me and all i ever asked for was to try and be friends again, get to know each other like before. We were both clear that that's what we both wanted and the feeling was mutual. slowly though i've felt like his distancing himself and i cant understand why, he has 'girl' friends but he cant seem to be friends with me? how am i any different to the friends he has? if he knows that he cant feel the way he used to for me (romantically that is) then why does it seem so hard for him to be friends. i called him one night to see how he was doing, you know as friends do, and he sounded happy to hear from me. we spoke and everything was going well until i asked if there was a possibility of catching up before he leaves. He's moving away to another state at the end of the year. When i asked he's like maybe, im not sure. im just busy with uni and all and other people to see etc. and im like ok. wow you must really hate me. why do you have to be weird about it all, and he's like: im not, there's nothing to be weird about. and i said thats exactly my point, there's nothing to be weird about. And i said look i dont want you that way, i just called to say hi. After that he just seemed irritated and was like look ill talk to you later. and im like ok fine. i left it at that and an hr or so later he sends that message im sorry for being a d***, i just want to leave things alone. wtf? leave what alone? what did i do wrong? if we're just attracted to each other but there's no romantic feelings between us then shouldn't that make things a little bit easier? what's the complication?
Toki Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Maybe he feels obligated to tell you that while he thinks he could get with you, he doesn't want to, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings in the process?
hats Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 You said you give him space when he needs it, but it sounds to me like he's telling you he needs space. He probably still has some feelings for you that he doesn't want to deal with. Honestly I'd be pretty annoyed with that conversation. He says he's busy and you tell him that he hates you? It sounds like you're trying to put him on a guilt trip because he doesn't want to spend time with you. Then out of nowhere you tell him that you're not interested in him in that way. Now you're accusing him of treating you badly because his feelings are hurt over being rejected. Maybe that's not what you meant to say, and maybe he really is upset because you rejected him, i don't know. But that's probably how he heard it and nobody wants to hear that whether it's true or not.
BubbleFreak Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 You said you give him space when he needs it, but it sounds to me like he's telling you he needs space. He probably still has some feelings for you that he doesn't want to deal with. Honestly I'd be pretty annoyed with that conversation. He says he's busy and you tell him that he hates you? It sounds like you're trying to put him on a guilt trip because he doesn't want to spend time with you. Then out of nowhere you tell him that you're not interested in him in that way. Now you're accusing him of treating you badly because his feelings are hurt over being rejected. Maybe that's not what you meant to say, and maybe he really is upset because you rejected him, i don't know. But that's probably how he heard it and nobody wants to hear that whether it's true or not. I agree with that post. Generally if a guy says something, it is exactly what he means. Nothing cryptic about it.
SadandConfusedWA Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 He just doesn't care and is indifferent towards you. He feels obliged to talk to you but doesn't want to. He has moved on.
Ronni_W Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 wtf? leave what alone? what did i do wrong? Leave EVERYTHING alone. Not catch up in person. Not become really close platonic friends. For him, the friendship has run it's course. The fact that it goes way back does not matter. Possibly you'd like it to mean that he still has feelings for you and needs to keep his distance to protect his heart? But it honestly doesn't sound like that. For him, there was no complication or weirdness...and it likely would have stayed that way had you really acted "as friends do." Rather than do that, though, you went off on him just cos he said he couldn't meet up with you: "Wow you must really hate me," like a jilted lover instead of, "Yeah, okay, cool. Good luck and everything. Keep in touch." You know, as friends do.
Lauriebell82 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 You didn't mention whether you have feelings for him that goes beyond friendship..but I sense that you might. He may be picking up on YOUR signals, even if they are unconscious to you. He probably doesn't feel the same way about you so he is trying to distance himself in the hope that he doesnt hurt your feelings. Most likely he doesn't want to deal with all the drama. A way that you could combat this is ask him what is wrong. Tell him you feel only friendship for him and enjoy hanging out. Now if that is not true then do not tell him that. But if you truely don't like him romantically then reassure that you don't. He may change his tune.
Author guarded Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 I don't know what it is but a huge part of me wants this whole distance thing to mean that he still has feelings for me. Saying "wow you must really hate me" intended to be a joke but i guess it didnt read off that way. I honestly think ive done all i can to keep my distance and let him be but i showed him that i can be a friend when he needed me..... i guess i missed an important point. when we got back in touch we both weren't seeing anyone and he made it clear that he wasnt ready for a relationship. We were on the same page and everything was going well until he thought i had something to do with this other girl who was chasing him, i guess a connection was made because this girl claimed to have worked in the same building that me and his brother used to work at, and i happened to know of a girl with the same name. Long story short i was in the middle of something i had nothing to do with and when i tried to confront him about it to ensure that he knew there was no connection he told me that we couldnt talk anymore cos he started seeing someone but that he'll always be there as a friend. so i left that alone and tried to move on, about a month later he called me around 3 in the morning and i ignored it so he messaged me to say that he was sorry and that he knew he was fu*** up but that he wasnt with anyone anymore and he had me on his mind and if we could talk. i basically replied saying that if he needed to talk or whatever id always be there. so he took the opportunity and decided to ask me what to do with his ex. although it was breaking my heart, i was impartial and gave the best advice i could. The next day i messaged to see how he went and they were apparently going to try again. and im like great, take care always. then a few hours later i had like 7 or so messages from him and that ended up with us chatting online. he said that he knew it was wrong but that he still thinks about me more than he should and that he couldnt help but want me in that way (sexually). anyway, we got to talking about what happened in the past and i asked why it seemed so hard for him to be around me. and he did say that he wanted me all those years ago but i rejected him and moved on so he did too. he said that being around each other could possibly bring up old feelings etc so maybe we should just go our separate ways. i said that he really doesnt need to complicate things, because it really isnt all that complex. I guess im so confused because if he thinks that he cant feel for me the way he used to then shouldn't that make it easier for us to keep a platonic friendship? just like he has with other girls? i can't read him, he's so confusing. why can't he just be straight with me and be honest instead of cowering away when i confront him and try and talk about it? we're both adults surely talking it over would help.
hats Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 he said that being around each other could possibly bring up old feelings etc so maybe we should just go our separate ways. What exactly about this statement do you find confusing or complicated?
redmelon Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Yea, I think he tried to ditch the relationship and you just ignored it completely
Author guarded Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 (edited) When he said that i left it alone and let him be, it's not what he said that's confusing its what he does after. He said the exact same thing before when he said that we couldnt talk anymore cos he started seeing someone and i accepted that and let go, made no contact and left it at that. I finally came around and accepted the fact that we'd never talk again, then he came back in the picture.....he was the one who got in touch with me again after all that. Why would he come to me weeks after and tell me that he wasnt seeing anyone anymore and say that i was on his mind. And then go on to ask me for advise about an ex if he has other friends to run to? After all this we were good again and then suddenly he's confused all over again? and tells me we should go our separate ways and then a few weeks later he'd message me to say hey? Thats what i dont get. Is this some sort of game that men like to play? Is he getting a kick out of knowing that he can talk to me whenever its convenient for him and shut me out when its not? Maybe im just slow and stupid when it comes to men, so if anyone understands this behaviour any explanation would help.... Edited May 17, 2010 by guarded
Author guarded Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 And am i wrong to think that what he says is a little bit of a contradiction too? i mean he says he thinks he can never feel that way about me (the way he used to), then why does he even fear the possibility of rekindling old feelings? i know im probably overanalysing but it doesn't take a genius to pick up on the contradictions. I care, i really do. It took me awhile to realise but i don't wanna lose someone like him, i want him to be a part of my life even if its just friendship. Is there a chance that if i just leave him be he'll come around one day? or have i completely lost him and the possibility of picking up the friendship where we left off?
PersonMan Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Take what a guy says most of the time, at face value. We are way more ****ing direct than women in that regard.
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