Treasa Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 My (now ex) boyfriend broke up with me for the fourth and final time last night. We had been together for what would have been six years next week. The reason he broke up with me this time was because two weeks ago I looked at the history of his computer. I found what I was expecting, which wasn't anything really bad. I did it because I was feeling insecure and was wondering what he was looking at. I have apologized numerous times for it and promised never to do it again. The past few days we had been talking things over, and I explained how my self esteem was just shot, and he was angry because I didn't trust him, and I tried to tell him that the only reason I didn't trust him was because he had broken up with me so many times in the past. The past the past few days had gone well, and he was starting to be sweet, and even said we could snuggle a lot tonight when I was going to see him. Last night he said there was something else he wanted to talk about, but not over the phone. I asked for a hint, and basically the whole thing came out again about how I had violated his privacy and broken his trust (mind you, he broke up with me out of the blue THREE TIMES before this, so you wanna talk about trust???), and how what I did (the first bad thing I've ever done to him in six years) was one of the worst things anyone's ever done to him, which I think is BS. Anyway, I kept trying to apologize and was telling him I was working on my trust issues in therapy (which is true and he knows it), but at the end of the night he seemed like he was leaning toward breaking up. Which he finally did when I kind of pressed to know what his decision about me was. I am freaking utterly devastated. I mean, six years. I love him so much. How do I possibly get over him when I can only think about his smile, his hugs and kisses, and how much his friends seem to adore him? He dropped me so easily from his life, and I have given him so much of myself. Even yesterday morning he was signing his email with "kisses" to me. I just don't know what to do.
Sari Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 (edited) My situation is so similar. I know exactly how you feel. This is the second time the love of my life has left me, completely out of the blue, 2 years after the first. And I was so careful with my heart at first, we went back in to everything really slowly, I had some doubts, worked on them because I knew deep down we were right for each other, then bam! he tells me he has been feeling trapped for the past couple of months and has met someone else. We went house-hunting in the morning, by the evening it was over. I was clingy and jealous, which I regret so much, but equally I can’t forgive him for putting me through this again. Again, he has refused to talk things through, again he has given me no chance to try and improve matters - I would’ve given him space, time, had he asked for it. Instead he covered everything up with kisses and pet names right up until that evening, then finished with me completely out of the blue. I can’t give you a lot of advice, I thought I was getting through it better this time (it’s been 6 days, all NC), but I feel myself sinking lower and lower today. I dread the weekend, but have made plans to go out on Saturday regardless. I saw a new therapist yesterday and got a lot off grief out of my system, felt a lot better for hours afterwards. Maybe I am going through an abrasion process of having to feel and recognise the pain before I can successfully move on, rather than just patching over the hurt. I would recommend you do the same. I have also realised that my ex has never been able to see anything through to completion. Never finished his degree, never finished learning to drive, has never been able to save money for more than about a week, he’s 32 and all he’s got to show for it is a room in his mum’s house and an ok job that he fell in to 10 years ago and has stayed in as it is easy and undemanding on him. As soon as something becomes a struggle or requires some effort, he runs. Do you recognise this pattern with your ex? This has helped me realise that the problem lies mostly with him, not me. I’m sorry you are going through this again. Somebody in Britain feels your pain. Many hugs. PS We were together for nearly 5 years btw, so I really do understand. Edited May 14, 2010 by Sari
jv032889 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 WOW! Is all I can say. I'm going through the SAME exact thing. I didn't trust my ex at all. She left me 3 times before Monday's breakup. I could no longer trust her and I went snooping ALOT!. I never found anything that made her guilty. I was so scared that she was going to leave me again I had to find away to prevent it. I thought that looking at her phone log and checking her phone would make a difference. It didn't. In the end I'm ALONE. I'm searching for the same answers as you. While collecting my possession I read a poem she wrote a day after the break up. In the poem it had a section that was geared towards me." I just wanted ur trust but now you look at me in disgust, I want you to be free even though you hate me"..... I apologize for not having any good advice, it makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone in this struggle.
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 OP, in my mind you did NOTHING wrong. When a partner leaves, not once, not twice, but THREE times, you are bound to be left feeling mistrustful and suspicious of that person. Any NORMAL individual would be reassuring, respectful and patient whilst they work to rebuild that trust. Having snooped on a partner in the past to confirm my own worries, I don't think you did anything wrong. I know people claim snooping is a gross invasion of privacy (which it is) but sometimes it is necessarily, particularly when we are in fragile relationships where we are not sure whether or not we can trust, because trust has been broken in the past. I know people say if there's no trust there's no relationship, but I think most partners break trust at least once, so its not so easy to throw a relationship away because of something like that. I think breaking up with you because you snooped was a cop out and he was looking for a way out, or it may have reaffirmed for him the damage he has caused the relationship and it shows his lack of dedication to working things out. He might get irritated or impatient that you can't trust him but he brought that on himself with his behaviour and if he loved you, he would forgive you for snooping and understand. I guess I just wanted you to know - you didn't do anything wrong.
sedgwick Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 (edited) I ended a three-year relationship due to the fact that I found he'd been reading my emails. It's just absolutely never okay to snoop on someone, no matter what. It destroys trust, and even if the person promises never to do it again, that trust doesn't just come back. If he has damaged your self-esteem by leaving you repeatedly before, the question is why you ever took him back once, let alone three times. Snooping won't fix the damage you have allowed him to inflict upon your self-esteem. Edited May 14, 2010 by sedgwick
Recommended Posts