Sex and my wife's disability

[Sailingwill]

My wife and I are both 33 years old, and we have a 4 year old son. Just over 2 years ago my wife suffered her second stroke which has resulted in her being more physically and mentally resticted than after her first stroke.

 

We were childhood sweethearts, both went off to uni separately and lived separate lives for about 10 years. We got back in touch because of a school reunion, got together, and got married within a year and had our son about a year later.

 

My wife had a first stroke when she was 25 years old (before we met again) and this caused the breakdown of her relationship with her then boyfriend. She recovered pretty well from that stroke and was able to walk, talk and do pretty much everything she could before except run.

 

We had a good sex life before and after are wedding. When she had her second stroke everything changed (in my opinion at least). SHe was in hospital for 7 months recovering. She can walk, albeit less steadily and slower than before. He left side is very very weak, and she had to learn to speak again. She has problems with being able to communicate her thoughts quickyl or clearly.

 

When she left hospital we concnetrated on rebuilding her relationship with our son, which is now much stronger than it was. I was told by the doctors that I will need to see my role as a carer (and not necessarily as a husband) once she was home. THis I believe I have tried to do, quite often not well, but still I have tried. At the same time I have needed to keep the family finances running so that bills get paid ( as we lost my wifes salary). I have needed to be single parent for some time in the sense of looking after my son, the home, my career and then from July 2008 taking care of my wife also.

 

This caused a lot of stress for me, and hence provided problems for me wife that she shouldnt have need to deal with, given that she had (and still has) a big fight on her hands to get through each day.

 

With all of this, our sex life has completely gone. My wife is very keen on being intimate but I find it very difficult to see her in that way, which I think is as a result of me seeing her as a "patient" more than my wife. No doubt the fact that I see my day full of work and chores (albeit many of them enjoyable) and hence I get very tired, that I strugle to find time to be intimate with her.

 

My question is simple I think - "How do I fancy my wife again so that we can have an intimate relationship?" The answer is not going to be simple, but any suggestions would be great.

 

PS - I dont have any erectile problems, I just need to be able to see wife in a sexual way again - I think.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Will

[You Go Girl]

Try taking all that frustration of having to be super-man while your wife has been in the hospital, all that caring that you have had to give without receiving any back, all that worry, all despair of watching your wife go through something you cannot control or do anything about, all your fears that you would never have good sex again with your wife, all your frustration during the time of no sex,

take all that energy, from all those things above, and express it all in a kiss to her, and another kiss to her, and continue on with what you feel.

You have a lot of pent up emotions that have been looking for a release, and some relief. Little about the last 7 months have been about you and your wife together in an intimate way.

All that energy--all those emotions--when you approach her for intimacy--redirect it all to that, and let out all that pent up emotions. Your sex could be mind-blowing. You might even cry as you kiss her. You have to share those emotions with her--and you can do it without words!

Edited May 14, 2010 by You Go Girl

[JamesM]

I don't have an easy answer for you and honestly, since I haven't experienced what you are going through, I don't know that any answer I give would work.

 

I do admire you for what you have handled thus far. I think I understand how you can see your wife now as a patient and not as a wife. She no longer fills the daily role as wife so she doesn't seem like a wife.

 

I am impressed that she wants to try at least to be intimate with you. My guess is that she needs this intimacy in a way for confirmation of your love as well as expressing her appreciation and love to you for what you have and are doing.

 

You say you cannot think of her sexually and that you relate this to her being a patient, but could it be more?

 

Does she look as beautiful to you as before now that she is less capable of being on her own? Has she gained weight? Since she may not be able to dress herself and "make herself look pretty," do you see her less than pretty?

 

Does she want sex to please you or for herself? Doe she want intimacy for the reason of cuddling and affection more than for the idea of sexual pleasure?

 

The only way that I would see myself thinking of my wife as a wife in the same situation is to think of her as she was and not only as she is. I would be thinking of her beautiful personality and what she means. Physically, I think I could love my wife, but inside there would also be a sadness for what she was and no longer is.

 

And yes, taking care of her daily needs along with being a father and mother, then being energetic for sex would be difficult.

 

I don't know if anything here helped, but maybe some of the questions I asked will generate feedback from some others.

[xxoo]

Taking care of the income, the home, your wife, your son--this is too much for any one person. Of course you are exhausted! First and foremost, you need some help.

 

In the US, your wife might qualify for nursing visits that would give you some relief from her care. Do you have anything like that available to you in the UK?

 

Do you have family nearby that can help with childcare, meals, or cleaning? Friends? Is hiring a housekeeper or babysitter on occasion an option?

 

I'd try to carve out a few hours alone together for a "date", either at home (with the child out of the house) or elsewhere. If she needs help dressing or with makeup, have a friend come over and help her prepare for the date. Do this as often as practical--at least once a month or so.

 

You sound like a very good husband and father. I admire your dedication to your family through true times of hardship.

[seren]

I would suggest that where possible, all her personal care needs are met by a professional carer, you could apply for Direct Payments so she can employ someone to do this, as a Carer, you are also entitled to support with your needs. This then takes away the carer role (as much as possible) from you. It can be difficult for your wife if she is home all day and may not have anything to share with you about her day, there are support groups, or Shaw Trust may help her to have an outlet.

 

Have you thought of joining a carers group? Carers UK or Princess Royal Trust for Carers will have information about local groups, you would be surprised at how common your problem is and may get some advice and support from others who are living with what you are.

 

I used to be a Social Work Team Manager working with disabled people until my own disability saw me medically retired. It might be that your wife needs someone to help her to feel attractive, maybe pampering day, something outside the home to help her to see that she is not just a disabled woman, but woman first and foremost. It is so very difficult, but so very common. I would try the carers groups, lots of men attend and the local Stroke association should have support groups too.