pedro1 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Ok I was married to my first wife for five years found out we were to young and had nothing in common, we went are seperate ways. My second marriage lasted six years now we are going thru a divorce. It was perfect up to the point where we both stopped trying to work on it and we became room mates as she has told me. She talked me into trusting other women that not all cheat ( my first one cheated on me) she told me at the first that she wouldn't cheat or leave me, I was pretty independent then so it Tolkien some talking into to gett me to change and except her into my life. Now she has left, saying we are just room mates and she has no love for me, (there is no one else for her so far). The question now is once I'm over all of this and back to myself how do I trust another girl to come into my life?
tojaz Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Trust is something that will come with time Pedro. Its going to take a lot more for you to trust someone after what you have been through. Trust is something that is earned, and your standards are going to be high. That's ok as long as the walls you build are not so high that nobody can get in. Even a little bit of trust is going to feel like a leap of faith, but that's a leap that we all have to make eventually or we find ourselves making excuses and doing what we can to push people away when they get to close. I've both done this and had it done to me and neither side feels very good. In short, if you want to find love again, then your going to have to find that in yourself to be able to trust. You will find that in time. TOJAZ
trippi1432 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Ok I was married to my first wife for five years found out we were to young and had nothing in common, we went are seperate ways. My second marriage lasted six years now we are going thru a divorce. It was perfect up to the point where we both stopped trying to work on it and we became room mates as she has told me. She talked me into trusting other women that not all cheat ( my first one cheated on me) she told me at the first that she wouldn't cheat or leave me, I was pretty independent then so it Tolkien some talking into to gett me to change and except her into my life. Now she has left, saying we are just room mates and she has no love for me, (there is no one else for her so far). The question now is once I'm over all of this and back to myself how do I trust another girl to come into my life? Trust is a hard thing to earn and even harder to keep, but there is more than just one aspect of trust. There is the monogomy (not cheating) but there is also the trust that comes between a woman and a man where she feels that she can no longer trust him with her feelings, her thoughts. Her actions or motives are questioned...etc....that kills intimacy in a relationship. I can't speak to men, but I feel that most feel similar, more to the ego than to general feelings. If your wife constantly nags you, your feelings for her change. So here is where you may be seeing roommate feelings more than trust issues. On the trust side, walls are there for a reason...to protect you and your heart. You set them and it's mostly from previous experiences. My trust wall was actually too high with my ex because I didn't trust him (had very good reason not to). I lowered that wall (big time lowered it) and got hurt pretty bad the next time. My wall now scales the heights of what the World Trade Center used to be. I know that they will come down eventually when the right guy comes along, but you learn your lessons in life. When you are ready to trust again, you will know it.
Ronni_W Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 The question now is once I'm over all of this and back to myself how do I trust another girl to come into my life? Build trust in yourself. Find out what you need to know, be and do so that you can 100% trust that you are the BEST partner a woman can find. Work on your relationship skills, your communication skills, your assertiveness skills. Work to have high self-esteem, respect and confidence. Increase your sexual skills. Learn stress and anger management techniques. Get clear on your values, and live with integrity while pursuing/achieving your goals and dreams. Make it a lifetime of continuing self-improvement. Ideally, you would then choose a partner who is also taking this level of responsibility for her life and her side of the partnership; whose values match your own; who isn't afraid to work through the inevitable conflicts and disagreements -- and will have the skills to do that effectively. But. 'Ideal' doesn't always happen. Sometimes, no matter how good of a person and partner you are, she will leave. But when you know you have been the best darned human being and partner that you can be, you will be able to bounce back and not feel rejected -- you will know it wasn't you, but her. You'll still be sad, but you won't be crushed. It starts with you being able to trust you. ------ General note: All above applies to both genders. We ALL have to take responsibility for the type of partner we are; for what we "bring to the table"; for our own esteem; for our own life and coping skills. And stop feeling oh-so-sorry for ourselves when we don't measure up and our partner decides s/he wants and deserves better than our measly offerings. We, men and women, are killing each other softly. Wake up, boys and girls!
trippi1432 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 (edited) "We Can Trust Ourselves For many of us, the issues is not whether we can trust another person again; it's whether we can trust our own judgment again. "The last mistake I made almost cost me my sanity," said one recovering woman who married a sex addict. "I can't afford to make another mistake like that." Many of use have trusted people who went on to deceive, abuse, manipulate, or other wise exploit us because we trusted them. We may have found these people charming, kind, decent. There may have been a small voice that said "No - something's wrong." Or we may have been comfortable with trusting that person and shocked when we found our instincts were wrong. The issue may then reverberate through our life for years. Our trust in others may have been shaken, but our trust in ourselves may have been shattered worse. How could something feel so right, flow so good, and be such a total mistake? We may wonder. How can I ever trust my selection process again, when it showed itself to be so faulty? We may never have the answers. I believe I needed to make certain "mistakes" to learn critical lessons I'm not certain I would have otherwise learned. We cannot let our past interfere with our ability to trust ourselves. We cannot afford to function with fear. If we are always making the wrong decision in business or in love, we may need to learn why we insist on defeating ourselves. But most of us do improve. We learn. We grow from our mistakes. Slowly, in increments, our relationships improve. Our business choices improve. Our decisions about how to handle situations with friends or children improve. We benefit from our mistakes. We benefit from our past. And if we have made mistakes, we needed to make them in order to learn along the way." (Beattie, 1990) Beattie, M. (1990). We Can Trust Ourselves. In M. Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, Daily Meditations on Codependency (pgs. 341-342). Center City: Hazelden Publishing. Edited May 14, 2010 by trippi1432 spelling
Gunny376 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 If you were to ask you typical man what his ideal car was or would be? He could describe it down to the most smallest detail. Be it a Porsche or a vintage muscle car. But were you to ask the same man what he's looking for in woman? It would probally come down to her having a pulse, the ability to fog up a mirror, a pair of boobs, and a vagina. Were you to ask most any woman the same question as to what she was looking for in a man? Well that varies depending upon age and life experience ~ but most of them could give you a pretty detailed description of not only are they looking for in a man? But what they're not looking for in one! One of the best descriptions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over all the while expecting different results? When you can sit down and write our a definition narrative description of what your looking for and not looking for in a woman? Your going to keep going through the same old grind. I'm even going to help you get started with your list! Look beyond trying to find a VLSS ~ A "Vaginal Life Support System" All silliness aside, you really need to give some thought about what kind of personality of a woman your looking for, that you not only like, that likes you, that you love and that loves you? But compliments you, makes you a better you, and looks out for you. A woman who would rather see you work a job making less money than work a job that pays more, but risks you getting killed. Its hard finding a woman that truly and really loves you! Oh you can find youself that one that loves you to death! Trouble is? Its damned hard to tell if you got a good one from a bad one ~ until you've got them. A good one will love you till death ~ a bad one will make sure you go first! But if and when you do? Do yourself a favor! Don't screw it up!
TaraMaiden Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 "...in life, Trust is the oil that keeps the whole machine running." I wish I could remember who said that - and it's bang on true.
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