Love vs. Attraction

[joyspirals]

Hi everybody,

 

Thank you for listening to my story.

I am 30 years old married for 4 years with no children to a wonderful man- Wonderful!

He is caring, loving, funny and intelligent- really anything you can ask for. I am truly blessed, and I am grateful for that on a daily basis. We are each other´s best friends.

We started off as roommates, so really right from the start we were living together and had a great time. And really I fell l in love with him because of his amazing character. I was never wildly attracted to him. Don’t get me wrong- he is very handsome, and I often see girls look at him, but sexually we don’t click.

We never did.

Only that it started to bother me about a year ago.

We talk quite freely about that subject. I obviously didn’t tell him that I don’t find him very attractive. But I did tell him that I don’t like the way we make love.

Sometimes I feel that we are best friends- roommates- but we don’t have this immense passion that is so lovely to have between couples.

I did have it before: this crazy attraction that just by looking at the guy the fire stars to burn you. It is such a wonderful feeling. I was with this guy for 2 years and I was happy, but not as happy as I am with my husband. My husband really feels Right to me on every level, is just that I don’t feel like having sex with him. And when we do, is quite boring. Although almost always I reach an orgasm, so it´s not that it is horrible. But I must be honest usually when I cum it´s because I fantasize on other men or things, and not because I am really present with him.

But really, if I do try to be present with him- sometimes I even get turned off.

I don’t really like his smell, he gained even more weight (although he´s maybe just 10kg overweight), and he is very clumsy so it feels as if he isn’t connected to his body, like he would move in a strange way to me. He can be too rough (which can be enjoyable sometimes, but when it is just this- it is boring), he is not very romantic or creative. And because I am not turned on than I would also kind of shut off my imagination, so you see it´s like a vicious circle.

I don’t think that there is something wrong with him, or with me- it´s just that we don´t match each other on this one. I am sure a lot of girls would love the way he is in bed and the same for me. It is just that we are not compatible on this one.

From his point of view, if I may present it from what I think I know, than I would say that he is very happy with me, he finds me attractive, and that he notices that I am not madly attracted to him, which I can imagine that it must be very difficult for him.

We both think that he does his best, like he asks me very often what I want and tries to be more sensual rather than just going for the goal and in the same same way every time.

 

But I think that our ¨problem¨ (I don’t think that it´s the end of the world, I am sure most couples face this sort of a problem in their marriage), is Not just about learning new techniques etc. it´s deeper than that. I simply don’t find him attractive. If he would learn all the great tricks, put a good perfume etc. maybe it would get much better- but I honestly think that it´s something very subtle, maybe on an energetic level, if that makes any sense…

I was asking myself whether I was just making a drama, looking for problems when there is none, but the honest answer I could give myself after a very long self-inquiry is that really I am not madly attracted to him. That´s it.

I have been in long term relationships that there was always this sexual tension, looks, games between us and it was so much fun. I miss that.

However, none of my ex´s suited me like my husband does, so really I am very happy with him.

It’s just that we have to work on it, and it is very disappointing and difficult to work on something that is so deep, natural, primitive- if you want. Sex is always associate with something in us which is animalistic, it´s not something I want to approach with my brain: understanding the other, thinking about how to pleasure him, rather I want to flow- knowing that whatever I do, it is exactly for his taste and that he feels the same way.

I find it very challenging to be able to flow with him. I know that what I do in bed isn´t exactly his first choice either. I know what he masturbates on (we talk very freely on these topics), and so he knows about me, and really we are completely different.

In fact, we are different in Everything, only that in all the other fields in our lives it feels right, but on my sexuality I don’t want to compromise and to understand- I want what my body wants. Again, I don’t want to make love from my intellect, I want to make love from my senses.

The thing is, that I know what I want, I have a very clear picture of how sex feels right to me. And I guess I am very identified with it. And therefore also less open to other styles, smells etc.

 

I would love to hear your points of view; I would love to hear if you had any similar experiences or if you just want to share your story.

Thank you very much for being there for me.

I wish you all the best in your life with your beloved ones.

 

Joy

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Welcome to LS Joy. One burning question comes to my mind. In the last 30 years have both of you been mutually exclusive (sexually speaking)? Why or why not... please elaborate.

[You Go Girl]

Joy, I hear your story and I do understand it. I think most of us have been in a relationship that we had high hopes for with the fireworks, and then, as early as the first kiss, they failed to ignite.

 

But, I have hope for your marriage's sex life. I think things really need to be shook up.

First, quit imagining somebody else. That can't be helping you connect on a deeper more passionate level.

Secondly, I think he needs to learn how you desire to be touched. I think that starts with the hugs, the caresses, the shoulder massages, the small things.

I know you wish he was just one of those guys who touched you the right way without instruction. But, why can't he be taught? Why can't you learn together?

You too, have to do your part. When you're intimate, find and concentrate on any little thing he does that is arousing. Tell him that works, so he will repeat that behavior. What do you like about his looks? If it's his ears, then look at those when you're making love! I know, I'm being silly about the ears...but you get the gist.

I think to love someone passionately, we do focus on the best, even ignoring the things we find less appealing. A trick on our mind at the fiery beginning of a relationship? Perhaps...so why can't we continue that passion?

Break out of the routine. Keep trying things until you find things that work.

Then, there's another issue, perhaps the biggest issue really...the bedroom intimacy...

I hear how he's a wonderful person, smart, funny.

But, how smart do you really think he is if you think he is clumsy in bed? Smart in some ways, dumb in others? If you see him make a clumsy move, then correct it. Yeah, that sounds like criticism in the bedroom, but, he may even agree with you. Or recognize that he is being clumsy, which deep down he knew, but wasn't correcting it himself without you bringing it to his attention.

You say he's funny...

time to awaken his funny side in the bedroom. Laughter can be erotic too. Lighten up every once in awhile, and make fun of each other, yourself, or tease him. It can arouse you too...laughter.

Maybe you can make a funny about his clumsiness!

Anyway, those are just ideas. You have a problem, you want to solve it. Your H is very compatible with you in other ways, so make the two of you compatible in this way too. Improvise. Brainstorm. YOU be different in intimacy, and see how he responds.

Follow a man who smells so good you can't stand it, ask him what cologne he wears, and immediately buy some for your H.

I think you can fix this. You will have to be creative, smart, and funny yourself. You will have to focus on what is arousing about him, and not focus on what isn't--until you find ways to modify that behavior to the point that it is arousing.

Do the two of you kiss well? I bet not...arousal so starts with a good kiss, so practice! Start kissing him, and tell him, listen to my clues to you--I want you to see how I would like to be kissed sometimes. Then LEAD. Show him what a passionate kiss is for you. He will probably be clumsy at first learning what you want. But, After he learns, he can lead with what works for you.

Although fiery intimacy is a necessary in a passionate relationship, and we all wish it was automatic, I do believe it is the one thing that can be fixed if the two of you are on the same wavelength otherwise.

It's all about listening, marriage is, from work stories to listening to our SO's sexual language.

Sex happens in your mind...your body just follows orders.

[joyspirals]

Welcome to LS Joy. One burning question comes to my mind. In the last 30 years have both of you been mutually exclusive (sexually speaking)? Why or why not... please elaborate.

 

I am afraid English is not my first language so i didn't quite understand what you meant by Mutually exclusive...

I am actually writing from Europe (that´s why u might have seen as if im writing in these ¨crazy hours¨, while here it´s morning)

sorry

Edited May 14, 2010 by joyspirals

[joyspirals]

Welcome to LS Joy. One burning question comes to my mind. In the last 30 years have both of you been mutually exclusive (sexually speaking)? Why or why not... please elaborate.

 

I am afraid English is not my first language so i didn't quite understand what you meant by Mutually exclusive...

sorry

[joyspirals]

Thank you- You go girl- for your advices.

We do many of them, and they actually improved our sex life.

Especially the laughter one. My husband is the funniest guy i know, and he always cracks jokes in bed.

 

I liked what you said about focusing on the good stuff.

this alone is already a big challenge. because obviously i dont want to work on it, i would have loved it to be natural. that i would melt just by seeing him, by his voice or smell..you know..

dont we all want the same thing?

 

There are other few issues that we are working on, and none of them bothers me as the sexual issue. I understand that relationship requires communication and compromises, and i have no problem to compromise on other topics; but somehow on sex i want it to go smoothly, without having to ¨work¨on it.

 

but oh well, i guess we cant have it all, can we?

 

bless you,

 

Joy

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I am afraid English is not my first language so i didn't quite understand what you meant by Mutually exclusive...

sorry

 

Forgive me. What I was trying to ask is: are there any other individuals (other than your spouse) that you have had sex with since being married? And how about your husband?

Edited May 14, 2010 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[joyspirals]

Forgive me. What I was trying to ask is: are there any other individuals (other than your spouse) that you have had sex with since being married? And how about your husband?[/quote

 

As far as i know my husband didn´t. and I´m afraid I did.

2 years ago we had one year that we hardly had any sex because I had a problem with the IUD, and he refused to use a condom, and because i refused having sex without a condom and i didnt want to take the pill (I am really not ready for having kids now) he kind of stopped wanting to have sex (he really hates condoms). but since my libido is really high, i couldn't take it anymore. It´s not an excuse.

It was a big taboo for me. and in fact i haven't slept with anyone else besides this guy (several times though).

I even kind of started to tell him, but than he said- ¨if it´s just a fling i dont want to hear about it and i dont want to know anything¨.

so i didnt tell him.

I just want to say that if he would have a little story, i also wouldn´t want to know either. Cuz i really think that what we have is stronger than anything we had experienced before. and i would have understood him, cuz i am sure he doesnt get from me what he needs as well.

It´s funny that you ask that, because when i wrote the question yesterday i thought i should write it, but it just didn't seem relevant. I guess it is after all.

why did you ask?

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

It´s funny that you ask that, because when i wrote the question yesterday i thought i should write it, but it just didn't seem relevant. I guess it is after all.

why did you ask?

 

I was truly only speculating, but it seemed more than likely to me that your point of view was skewed by another man....

 

Your preferences are clouded. Your desires are focused elsewhere. Your ideal of intimacy, sex, desire, etc, your expectations, they are all based on the many things you got when intimate with the OM.

 

The best advice I can give you now is that, based on the stories and experiences of many others, if you were to leave your husband to find what it is you want, the next relationship would eventually end up exactly where you are now... it seems to happen over and over again. Marriage is not only until it stops working. It is a commitment to work these things out... It is your job to make it work. You seem to love your husband and want to make your marriage successful. Focus on this and make it happen. There are many different ways to achieve your goals.

[joyspirals]

I was truly only speculating, but it seemed more than likely to me that your point of view was skewed by another man....

 

Your preferences are clouded. Your desires are focused elsewhere. Your ideal of intimacy, sex, desire, etc, your expectations, they are all based on the many things you got when intimate with the OM.

 

The best advice I can give you now is that, based on the stories and experiences of many others, if you were to leave your husband to find what it is you want, the next relationship would eventually end up exactly where you are now... it seems to happen over and over again. Marriage is not only until it stops working. It is a commitment to work these things out... It is your job to make it work. You seem to love your husband and want to make your marriage successful. Focus on this and make it happen. There are many different ways to achieve your goals.

 

 

I really appreciate your advice. and in fact i totally agree with you.

What would you say from your personal experience is the most effective way to work on it?

Thanks,

 

Joy

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I read the above post by 'you go girl' and thought that it is a very very good start.

 

Most people don't realize that they cannot count on their spouse to change for them. If you really try to change yourself for the better, then your spouse wil naturally follow along.

 

An author that has helped me immensly in my marriage is Michelle Weiner-Davis... The book entitled "The Sex Starved Marriage" has helped a lot (and at no point would I have described our marriage as sex starved, just different levels of desire). Also her book "Divorce Remedy," was a great one. When I ordered that book from Amazon and it arrived at home, my wife was worried, "is there something you need to talk about honey?" The truth is I was no where near divorce, I just wanted to improve my marriage, and believe it or not, the book helped! I also believe it had a hand in helping to save a co-workers marriage (he still has myu copy, lol!)

 

It's human nature to focus on what we don't have and try to find it. it is also human nature to take forgranted what we do have... please think about both of those things as you try and move forward in your marriage. You have no idea how much greatnesss you have in your man, and how much more he will become. Not because you will ask him to. It will happen becuase you improve yourself and the way you interact and appreciate and love him... he will come around from there and undertstand you better and be able to give you what you need. If you are patient, caring, loving, and respect him, it is amazing what is possible in a marriage.

[rewe4reel]

Joy you are still a young woman. No kids, you don't really have an attraction for your husband, and you've cheated.

 

Clearly your marriage is dead already.

 

Just go ahead and get divorced, you deserve to be happy.

[Mimolicious]

People want it all don't we!!!!????

 

Honey, ask yourself what is more important to you and take it from there. Sex is important and this may kill your marriage. Try to get help. If this fails, then you may eventually want to start looking outside the box and will end up cheating and loose even your dignity.

[kuma]

It's human nature to focus on what we don't have and try to find it. it is also human nature to take forgranted what we do have... please think about both of those things as you try and move forward in your marriage. You have no idea how much greatnesss you have in your man' date=' and how much more he will become. Not because you will ask him to. It will happen becuase you improve yourself and the way you interact and appreciate and love him... he will come around from there and undertstand you better and be able to give you what you need. If you are patient, caring, loving, and respect him, it is amazing what is possible in a marriage.[/quote']

 

Great post! I should read this every day.

 

joy, your husband should change his diet if he has a strong body odor. I hope you can find a solution for your problem. Because he sounds like a keeper. Good luck.

[You Go Girl]

Forgive me. What I was trying to ask is: are there any other individuals (other than your spouse) that you have had sex with since being married? And how about your husband?[/quote

 

As far as i know my husband didn´t. and I´m afraid I did.

2 years ago we had one year that we hardly had any sex because I had a problem with the IUD, and he refused to use a condom, and because i refused having sex without a condom and i didnt want to take the pill (I am really not ready for having kids now) he kind of stopped wanting to have sex (he really hates condoms). but since my libido is really high, i couldn't take it anymore. It´s not an excuse.

It was a big taboo for me. and in fact i haven't slept with anyone else besides this guy (several times though).

I even kind of started to tell him, but than he said- ¨if it´s just a fling i dont want to hear about it and i dont want to know anything¨.

so i didnt tell him.

I just want to say that if he would have a little story, i also wouldn´t want to know either. Cuz i really think that what we have is stronger than anything we had experienced before. and i would have understood him, cuz i am sure he doesnt get from me what he needs as well.

It´s funny that you ask that, because when i wrote the question yesterday i thought i should write it, but it just didn't seem relevant. I guess it is after all.

why did you ask?

 

Wow. Several things here look seriously off balanced to me. But I'm a different type of woman--possessive to say the least, so hear me with that in mind.

First off, a stale-mate on whether to use condoms destroys an entire year of marriage sex? WOAH. This can't be happening! It did though. How do two people who love each other dig in their heels over such an issue? There are condoms out there that are barely even felt, made from sheep intestine or something like that. So the no condom thing doesn't ring true. What really happened that year between the two of you? Was this a test of who was more stubborn? That's what it looks like to me. Is your man passive-agressive? Are you? Do both of you really have that much trouble communicating? How does lovemaking, such an important thing to intimacy, take a back seat over the mechanics of it?

Now the infidelity. He doesn't even want to know? my gawd! Well! If he won't wear condoms, then I assume that he didn't have a fling. That says to me that you did, he knows it, and he didn't, and he's ok with your fling. This is a very beta male? Sex doesn't even seem very important to your husband. And you went to tell him, and weren't afraid probably that he would leave you--I can't even begin to understand a man (or woman) that doesn't expect sex, intimacy, and honesty. How did your husband end up in a place where he will stay with you regardless of what you do? Why do you have the upper hand in this relationship? Why isn't it equal?

[joyspirals]

Thank you all for your posts and your advises.

ill definitely get the book and keep you posted:)

 

and i agree with Kuma, i should read this last comment of She's_NotInLove_w/Me on a daily basis. Beautiful and Inspiring.

 

Thanks again.

 

Joy

[dazzle22]

Luvstodance posted a very similar thread recently. You might want to check it out.

 

I'll say what I said there. I don't think it is possible to "manufacture" chemistry with someone, no matter how hard you try. It is a very complicated thing based on memories, expectations, and fantasies that your mind has woven into your 'love map', and either someone is a 'fit' for it or not.

 

So that being said, I think you are going to need to come to grips with the fact that you are married to someone you are not really sexually attracted to and decide whether the good outways the negatives in this relationship, and it might. You may need to compromise. If you can't, then you will have to move on if sexual fire is what you really, really want.

[jedc53]

Love is a sweet word,it decides the personal life,relationships and even the career of a person.Attraction usually involves an instant decision of like or dislike,based on our own subconscious criteria.Attraction usually involves an instant decision of like or dislike,based on our own subconscious criteria.