Church Bells Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Have I recommended getting phone counseling with Dr Harley from marriagebuilders.com? He founded the website and has counseled literally thousands of couples going through the exact same thing. I haven't heard a single person who said that it wasn't the best money they ever spent. Well put me down as one who disagrees with the above advice. Marriage Builders is great if you're into cults and infomercials ... as that's basically all they have to offer a BH. Marriage Builders principles takes a weak BH and makes them even WEAKER in the eyes of their WW's ... but then they will SELL you all kinds of books, online courses, weekend getaways, and of course "phone" counselling @ $195/hour. ANYONE considering MB should look at their RESULTS and then compare them to their CLAIMS. When it comes to ACTIONS vs. WORDS ... the MB program just can't hold up to scrutiny.
turnera Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Well put me down as one who disagrees with the above advice. Marriage Builders is great if you're into cults and infomercials ... as that's basically all they have to offer a BH. Marriage Builders principles takes a weak BH and makes them even WEAKER in the eyes of their WW's ... but then they will SELL you all kinds of books, online courses, weekend getaways, and of course "phone" counselling @ $195/hour. ANYONE considering MB should look at their RESULTS and then compare them to their CLAIMS. When it comes to ACTIONS vs. WORDS ... the MB program just can't hold up to scrutiny. I think the dozens of posters I personally know from there who HAVE done the counseling will disagree with you. As well as the hundreds of posters there who DID read the "FREE" material that is on the site, and used the advice there, and SAVED their marriages. Most people, out of the years I spent there, never bought a single thing or used the counseling - and they STILL saved their marriages, by following what works. I'm sorry you had a bad experience. But it works because it's based on psychology. A science. We do what feels good. We avoid what doesn't. Barring mental issues, if you rededicate yourself to your marriage, stop harming your spouse, meet their needs, spend a lot of time together, you CAN find your old marriage back - the relationship you had when you were dating. That's all MB is - stopping "Love Busters" - things you do that irritate your spouse; meeting "Emotional Needs" - the key things that make your spouse happy; spending 10-15 hours together each week keeping your attention for and love for each other alive, as opposed to spending every single night sitting on a couch watching tv or plugged into your computer. That's not a marriage; it's roommates. No wonder marriages like that don't survive. As for affairs, it does help BHs because it teaches them to take control back for their own lives, instead of sitting back and waiting for your WS to come to her senses and say 'what was I thinking, of COURSE I love only you'. Instead, it advocates exposing the affair for what it is - slimy, embarrassing, sneaky. Not the fluffy fantasy people build up in their brains. It helps the BS show the WS that he/she will NOT be able to bring the OM/OW over to meet the family for Thanksgiving and have them welcome him/her in with open arms. It breaks the fantasy. It takes you back to what we ALL do: what feels good, avoid what feels bad.
Church Bells Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I think the dozens of posters I personally know from there who HAVE done the counseling will disagree with you. As well as the hundreds of posters there who DID read the "FREE" material that is on the site, and used the advice there, and SAVED their marriages. Most people, out of the years I spent there, never bought a single thing or used the counseling - and they STILL saved their marriages, by following what works. I'm sorry you had a bad experience. But it works because it's based on psychology. A science. We do what feels good. We avoid what doesn't. Barring mental issues, if you rededicate yourself to your marriage, stop harming your spouse, meet their needs, spend a lot of time together, you CAN find your old marriage back - the relationship you had when you were dating. That's all MB is - stopping "Love Busters" - things you do that irritate your spouse; meeting "Emotional Needs" - the key things that make your spouse happy; spending 10-15 hours together each week keeping your attention for and love for each other alive, as opposed to spending every single night sitting on a couch watching tv or plugged into your computer. That's not a marriage; it's roommates. No wonder marriages like that don't survive. As for affairs, it does help BHs because it teaches them to take control back for their own lives, instead of sitting back and waiting for your WS to come to her senses and say 'what was I thinking, of COURSE I love only you'. Instead, it advocates exposing the affair for what it is - slimy, embarrassing, sneaky. Not the fluffy fantasy people build up in their brains. It helps the BS show the WS that he/she will NOT be able to bring the OM/OW over to meet the family for Thanksgiving and have them welcome him/her in with open arms. It breaks the fantasy. It takes you back to what we ALL do: what feels good, avoid what feels bad. Well that sounds all warm and fuzzy, but its complete and total BS (and that's not Betrayed Spouse). The MB site is MANIPULATED plain and simple ... you simply NEVER get to hear about the MB FAILURES because they get removed from the board and the posters banned so they can never question the great and mighty HARLEY. You see ... you have a board that claims Radical Honesty as one of its foundations ... HOWEVER, the board is full of deceit and unable and more accurately UNWILLING to live up to one of their most important principles. Do you know ANY other message boards that employ hidden moderators? EVERY moderator at MB is an actual poster with a second moderator account that is hidden from the rest of the members. Therefore, if you get in a "discussion" with one of the mods that is going badly for them, they simply swoop in as their anonymous alter ego and edit/delete your posts ... and if it happens again or you question their tactics, they will simply ban your username and IP address so that they can CONTROL the flow of information from that site. The mods are much more loyal to the Harley's or the "Plans" than they are to actually helping a BH in need ... therefore, my reference to MB as a cult. There are even off-forum groups both pro and con that were formed to complete and solidify the deception or to expose it ... depending on your own perceptions. MB is NOTHING like it appears on the surface and is, quite frankly, the LAST place I would send a fellow BH in need of advice. Look at the active BH's currently on the MB forums ... I can cite usernames if you wish ... but they are all floundering and wasting their windows of opportunity while being "advised" to keep plugging along to save the "marriage at all costs" ... BECAUSE ... if you follow the 180 or other similar advice offered here and at other sites or simply follow your gut straight to Plan D ... THEN ... you are no longer a potential customer of all of the MB "FOR PROFIT" products and services.
turnera Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Oh, believe me, I've been victim of the mods there, too. I wasn't talking about the forums, though. I was talking about the program the website is based on, in which I thoroughly believe, because it has a much higher probability of success than, say, being nicer to your spouse and waiting and letting him get the affair out of his system. It doesn't cost a dime to go to the website and read the theory behind the program; which is actually a LOT like a lot of other theories out there, because they are based on psychology - make the affair no more fun; make yourself as good a spouse as possible; fix the marriage. I have a very complicated marriage, and it helped even me. Sorry for the T/J, all; just responding.
Dazedme Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 You're doing something that so many of us do, take too much of the blame. Maybe you weren't as loving as you could have been but was she? That is a two way street. We are the ones who were wronged not the cheaters. We should not have to tread lightly around their feelings. And know your rights. 1. You have the right to say no more contact with the om/ow. 2. You have the right to know every detail about the affair. 3. You have the right to end the relationship. 4. You have the right to be hurt, angry and sad. 5. If you stay together, you have the right to have full access to text/email until you feel safe again. 6. You have the right to know who the om/ow is and every thing about them. Don't give her all the power in the relationship because she cheated. All that is going to do is make her cheat again any time she feels a little neglected. Try this book. It helped me. http://www.amazon.com/Hindsight-Realworld-ebook/dp/B003MZ0QQS/ref=sr_1_20?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=books&qid=1274364866&sr=1-20
Church Bells Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Oh, believe me, I've been victim of the mods there, too. I wasn't talking about the forums, though. I was talking about the program the website is based on, in which I thoroughly believe, because it has a much higher probability of success than, say, being nicer to your spouse and waiting and letting him get the affair out of his system. It doesn't cost a dime to go to the website and read the theory behind the program; which is actually a LOT like a lot of other theories out there, because they are based on psychology - make the affair no more fun; make yourself as good a spouse as possible; fix the marriage. I have a very complicated marriage, and it helped even me. Sorry for the T/J, all; just responding. Fair enough ... and I agree to an extent. I do have ONE good thing to say about MB and that is concerning the "vocabulary" they have developed to help conflicted couples discuss difficult issue to verbalize. That is the ONE thing that helped us greatly ... the ability to have a common language to get to the bottom of basic differences in perception between men and women. Now ... IMHO ... their "plans", especially Plan A for BH, do much more harm than good ... not so much in "theory" as they are implemented in actual "practice", especially for weaker BH's, but that is the market they are targeting, as they are the one's who can be manipulated (just like their WW's have been manipulating them for years) into buying the MB "stuff". I, too, am sorry for the T/J and will allow the discussion to return to the OP.
Owl Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I wonder if it would be a violation of TOS to discuss the various "methods" for recovery in a seperate thread here?
reboot Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I wonder if it would be a violation of TOS to discuss the various "methods" for recovery in a seperate thread here? I don't see why it would be, but I'm sure you'll find out pretty quickly if you do and it is.
U2RockZz Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 you are off to ibiza....so where is your wife going to be in those days while you are away......if you are still trying to save your M(i see that as a no brainier)...have as much fun as you can..i think that works for some.... but your wife is real bad dream man...forget if you can....my last suggestion would be post nuptial get it done ASAP
Krytie TV Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 You should contact a lawyer before moving out. You leaving may not be the wisest decision.
jnj express Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 What type of check--in do you have set up for your wife---also, do you have any way of checking on what she is doing alone for the next 4 days-------I guess one way or the other you will find out where she is about you and her mge. Sad part is she is cheating on her flesh and blood son, and waffling, which she is still actually doing, which will hurt her son almost as much as you. Remember you had to force her to go NC---it wasn't sent with remorse and contriteness attached to it--to show you she is fully into R. Think long and hard as to what your future is goona be like with this woman.
Recommended Posts