Coping with a revealed affair which she can't end yet

[on1wheel]

As for your question "how long will the images of her cheating stay with me?"

• It has been 2.5 yrs so far for me

Do yourself a favour...sounds like you are past the age of having young kids to worry about, so just leave. Everyone will be happier down the road...even those really narrow roads in the UK...lol.

She is not who she thought she was, she willingly has given herself to @ least 1 other man, doesn't know for sure if you're number #1 in her heart etc, etc.

How many people need to suggest that she's toxic to your well being? Go to Ibiza, do WHATEVER; consider it the kick off to your new single life. Cheers.

[whatcanidonow2]

Do yourself a favour...sounds like you are past the age of having young kids to worry about, so just leave.

 

Thanks on1wheel, but, like you, we do have a child (my son) who's 11 next week, so he must be taken into consideration. My W told the OM last week to have NC with her while she thought & thought what was the right thing for her (& our son I guess), and she said last night that she will phone him TODAY (not see him face to face, and he lives a long way away) with a final NC - forever. Over & done with completely. Only then, I've said will I be willing to start thinking about a reconciliation, and if he does make contact, I must know about it without her replying. If she makes contact herself, that’s it, I’m gone forever. She understands & agrees with this. I now feel that I do want her back. We know why the A happened, and what we need to do to repair the marriage. If we care enough about each other then we’ll put in the hard yards. The repairs won’t hold together long if we find that it’s all too much effort, and we don’t really care so much after all, and I think we’ll both know that it’s time to move on.

 

One sad aspect to our whole story is that we think of ourselves as intelligent, reasonable people, but we didn’t have the wherewithal to stop the marriage deteriorating over more than eight or ten years. Since D-Day, we’ve bought some self-help books, and our story is told over a hundred times. It’s so common. What we will plan to do now is what we could have done ten years ago, with the right motivation & advice. They should send out copies of “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” to every couple on, say, their 3rd wedding anniversary. I’m damn sure it’d help an awful lot of people. Would’ve helped us for sure.

 

I'll let you know what she says later today after she's spoken to him. She says she'll tell me everything that's said, but obviously I'll not know if that's completely true or not. OK, I can work from there. Have to work from there really. That's the second step, after the NC call to OM.

Edited May 17, 2010 by whatcanidonow2

[U2RockZz]

why do you desperately wanted to be with cheater....you are setting yourself for another failure....so at least try to get a post nuptial for your financial sake(try it ,see her reaction )

 

so what happens if she starts NC,how would you really know that they are going to be in NC.....if you are going to take her on her words....you are really naive(at your age i don't think naive is correct word)....she already fooled you once and denied to do anything to stop the A.....your M and W are gone...grow some spine...take the control of your life....

 

if your wife calls her lover from payphone...are you going to fallow around...is that the life you wanted...that is no life

 

either keep your eyes,mouth,ears closed or go for open marriage....

[reboot]

Have a question for you - when does the image of my W & OM having sex disappear? At the moment I want to be with someone who hasn’t cheated on me. If we decide to go through C & start the M again, I’d only do it if I knew I could trust her; will I always have flashbacks to what she’s done with the OM behind my back?

 

It will probably never go away entirely. You'll probably always have triggers that will bring it back to you. But.... if you have a best case scenario, and you stay together and get your marriage back on track, and get the love and trust back, eventually it will fade (and worst case scenario you'll split up and eventually you just won't care anymore).

 

You're probably talking several years minimum, but one day you'll notice that, instead of it being the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and the first thing you think about when you wake up, you haven't thought about it in days. Maybe longer. It will get triggered by something and you'll think, hey, when was the last time I even thought about that?

 

And while it won't be pleasant, it won't feel like a knife twisting in your guts any longer. And you'll be able to push it aside almost at will. That was my experience anyway.

[Owl]

If you're wanting her to choose you unequivocally, with no pressure...then you're never going to get a resolution to your situation.

 

If she were capable of doing that right now, she would have long since have DONE so.

 

You're asking an addict to end their addiction...with no pressure on them to do so.

 

You need to set some more realistic expectations of her, and yourself.

 

You absolutely need to draw a "line in the sand" about what you're willing to accept, and what you're no longer going to tolerate. You need to insist that the affair end, and that she break off all contact with him.

 

Stop accepting that she "can't" end it. Bulldoody. She CAN...she just chooses NOT to.

 

If you put your foot down, she will be forced to do so.

 

If you waffle, trying to be 'fair' about this...then you're just telling her that you're ok with this whole thing continuing.

 

Right now...decide if you still want this marriage or not.

 

Then...take active steps towards that goal...and stop doing anything that doesn't directly line up with achieving that goal. No matter how noble that 'thing' is...if it doesn't meet your goals, it's got no business being considered at this point.

 

Step up, and make things happen...in whatever direction you choose.

 

But STOP letting her set the direction.

[RobD70]

I read a lot of me in your post when I found out about my wife’s affair…well a month or two afterwards, I wasn’t too thrilled at first. Outside of that I did pretty much the same things you did and my W did a lot of the same as well. If I had to do it again I would have done the “tough love” approach and not had been so understanding.

 

As long as she has any feelings whatsoever for the OM, you won’t have a marriage. If you keep the status quo she will leave you in time and neither of you will be happy. The ONLY way to save your marriage is to try to end it. She has to hate the OM and fall in love with you all over again and to do that you have to kick her to the curb and see what life will be without you. That and show her you have a backbone. Kick her out, file for a divorce and leave it up to her to win you back with ACTIONS, not words. Take matters in your own hands and take control back of your life.

 

Honestly, I wouldn’t try to save it. My wife had an EA for about a month or 2 then left and started the PA after another month so she wasn’t sleeping with him while we were technically together. Some people say that doesn’t matter but we all have different limits about what we can forgive. Had my wife slept around while we were still in the same house I would had filed for a divorce THAT DAY. We still might had reconciled (oddly enough people that file immediately after finding out about an A tend to have a higher reconciliation rate). I am back with my wife but we split 3 times and the last time I basically told her I wanted the D over with asap and to go to hell. That woke her up and I wished I had done that on day one. Live and learn.

[whichwayisup]

why do you desperately wanted to be with cheater

 

This is his wife. He has an 11 year kid to think of. Maybe he wants to give things a chance, give it his best, give his wife another chance. It takes a special person to stay. Also, why should he just hand over his wife to the OM? Between their child, the history they have together, family, inlaws, friends, the life they built, why throw it all away without trying? IF after trying things are still the same, then that's different..But to give up without trying isn't fair to their child, to themselves.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[carhill]

Stop accepting that she "can't" end it. Bulldoody. She CAN...she just chooses NOT to.

 

Exactly. BTDT and it was me who rationalized the 'won't'

 

OP, contact a solicitor and become apprised of your legal rights wrt property and your child. Gain knowledge. Set out a plan; a plan to move forward. If she's willing to go NC and work on the marriage in MC, that's plan A. That's the preferred plan. If no, the solicitor can execute plan B, calmly and efficiently. I've come to like calm and efficient. MC was a great help in that regard.

[Mimolicious]

Whoa! I actually think you're a brave soul.

You'll get tired of it and wont put up with it when you see that it becomes a pattern. Been there done that!

 

In less harsh words, keep it moving!

Unfortunately, you wont be able to have a good night sleep next to your W ever again. It's not chipped or cracked, it's shattered...

 

I wish you well!

[turnera]

If you want her back, you need to call the OM's wife and tell her about the affair. That way, whatever happens, it's because FOUR adults had input into the decision. You have valuable information that woman needs.

 

If she says she wants to come back you need to have her WRITE a No Contact letter to him - not a love letter - that says 'my husband and my family are too important to me; please never contact me again.' And YOU read it and send it to OM.

 

Then she needs to give you all her passwords to phone and computer. She needs to agree to marriage counseling so you can fix the problems, or else she'll just cheat again.

 

No matter what, you tell her that your son stays with YOU. There is NO REASON you should be the nice guy and let this 'person' replace you in your son's home.

 

It's time for you to grow a pair.

 

Big secret: Women grow to hate their partner if he is weak. They need their man to be strong. The more you waffle, the less she wants you.

[revelations]

Ok, your wife had an EA and a PA with this other man. You did not want to give her an ultimatum since you feel that is wrong.

Well your actually correct in this, however you may be correct for the wrong reasons. Here's the thing, if she chooses you, what are the reasons? Could it be that your a good provider, or she does not want to leave the house? Can be a dozen reasons why she would choose to stay with you, however not one of them would benefit you at all. I had an ex that I stayed with for a short time after she had a PA. One time when I was feeling down and thinking of her with this other man, she tried to comfort me by telling me that she choose me over him. For some reason that rubbed me the wrong way and I had to find out why. Well I looked up the words Choose and looked up Want. Big difference in these words, best way I can sum it up is with this example. A Call girl chooses to be with you because you pay her money, a call girl wants to be with you even if you cannot offer any money.

However that might be off the point a bit. To try and keep it short as possible remember this, YOU have no control over your WIFE at all. Actually you have no control over anyone else except yourself. This means that you cannot stop your wife from seeing, having an EA or PA with anyone else at all. She can go out and bang two dozen guys and you have no say so in this. She can come back and tell you how much bigger and better they are in bed than you, again you have no control over this.

So what do you have control over? Well it's YOU! So if she chooses to stay with you are not, that is making it her decision based on what is good for her. However is that what YOU want? Is this the right choice for YOU?

Ok, let us say she stays with you. Are you going to trust her again ever? How will you feel when she says she is going out for another girls weekend? Do you really want to spend your free time checking her emails, phone history, bank account? Your an intelligent person, did you know that resentments last a lot longer for people that are intelligent? Resentment is those images that will flash in your head, seeing her having the best sex ever with this OM. However not just the image, also the feelings, feelings of rejection, anger, jealousy, low self esteem. I have known people that these things did not dissipate even after 10yrs of recovery from this. Another thing is that all of them had told me that it was a huge mistake to take them back, even when there wayward wife did everything right to try and make up for this. Can YOU live with this? If you cannot then I suggest leaving her.

The decision of taking her back is yours alone to make. Ask yourself questions like this "what will I gain by taking her back?", "what would I miss if she is not around?". These are basic questions to figure out what is best for YOU, since after all, once she was with the OM, the only one who is important to you now is YOU and any kids. Get out some paper, write down in short phrases, good things about taking her back and on the other column bad things about taking her back. Do the same thing about how you feel with the affair that she had. See this is were you have control at, is how you feel and react to her affair. At this point and time YOU are the one who needs to choose (that's right CHOOSE) what is best for you. Not her. You choose the best piece of meat at the market, you choose the best buy on chips. She is choosing between two men, one of them being her husband. So are you the meat or the chips? This is why I say remove that decision from her and YOU make a choice on what is best for YOU. After all she can choose to be with you, however it will not work if you choose not to be with her. Personally myself I don't choose to be with a woman at all, I want to be with her otherwise I don't stay with her. If she chooses me over someone else, I choose to leave her for anyone else.

I hope this helped you.

[whatcanidonow2]

Well, lots of advice friends. Thankyou for your time & thoughts. That’s what I came here for, and it’s also therapeutic to express my feelings to the world anonymously. I guess everyone posting finds that.

 

Appreciate your message Whichway. 37k posts - do you do anything else? Remarkable commitment to free online therapy - thanks bud.

 

So many people say Leave now, Divorce, there’s no chance. I guess many people here have been deceived themselves, sometimes more than once, and are giving the benefit of their experiences, and for that thanks. Every relationship’s unique, but there will always be common signs, faults & good advice that can be taken on board. But just because many Ms fail after A, it doesn’t mean they all have to. There are many that come out stronger the other side. Ours couldn’t come out weaker, which was why the A started in the first place.

 

A few different opinions, but clearly most posters don't think too much to the softly softly approach. I appreciate your most recent comments Revelations, and I am now thinking of me & my son first of all. In truth, I still love my wife, so I care what happens to her too, but she understands that she’s lost the right to be put first by me.

 

Well, this morning I left for work with the agreement that she would call him & end it finally. She did tell him NC, but the way she told me about the conversation, it seemed like “NC for now“, which wasn’t enough for me. I said that we couldn’t live together any longer & that I was moving out. I stormed out of the house to calm down & she phoned to say that she had sent the guy the FINAL NC text, i.e. ending it for good.

 

She also showed me earlier texts from OM asking her not to do this & saying that he was talking with his wife about splitting up (she doesn’t know about the A, and I don‘t know who he is to be able to reveal it to her, even if I wanted to). But she says she chooses me (yes Rev, I can see the importance of the words too). But lets get realistic - she’s been in E & PA with another man, and has now been forced to choose. Right now she’s hurting for giving up what she wants, i.e. the fun & excitement, not necessarily the OM himself. It’s a normal emotion. I’ve read the books - it’s a kind of grieving, and it just takes some time to get over. She knows he’s a cheating, lying SOB, but he made her feel good about herself, so for the time it lasted he was important to her. I know she’s been cheating & lying too. It beat her up inside, forcing her to reveal it to me. She knows he’s had other affairs & it doesn’t seem to bother him what he’s doing to his wife, so in my eyes there’s a big difference. She is hurting as much as me over all this, and (forgive my apparent naivety) wouldn’t do this again. Some things you know about people you’ve been with 16 years.

 

(And I have been to the clinic - results in 10 days, though I’m not expecting any issues).

 

Actually today, I didn’t give her or him much thought & got a ton of work done for the first time in weeks. So I know I’m moving into a zone where I can cope with any fallout, whatever happens.

 

In terms of what’s next, she thinks he will contact her, but she’ll tell me about it & either ignore it or I’ll reply with some suitable advice for him.

 

We’ll start counselling & start to enjoy each other’s company again & doing fun things together, like we used to, some time soon I hope.

 

She feels she’s been pressured into a decision, which is true, but I think everyone’s correct that is the right thing for me to do.

 

A small part of me worries that one or maybe both of us may be ‘going through the motions’ of reconciliation because we have a son & we feel it’s something that ought to be tried, but what’s the worst that can happen? The A won’t restart unless we break up (trust me on this), and we might spend 6 months trying to find something that’s gone for good. That’s a worthwhile investment in time for me at least, since she still does it for me, and with all her faults & weaknesses, she’s still the one I love.

 

For those who still think me mad & deluded, please just wish us luck!

[reboot]

A small part of me worries that one or maybe both of us may be ‘going through the motions’ of reconciliation because we have a son & we feel it’s something that ought to be tried, but what’s the worst that can happen? The A won’t restart unless we break up (trust me on this), and we might spend 6 months trying to find something that’s gone for good. That’s a worthwhile investment in time for me at least, since she still does it for me, and with all her faults & weaknesses, she’s still the one I love.

 

You're doing the right thing, for all the right reasons. Don't let anyone tell you different.

 

For those who still think me mad & deluded, please just wish us luck!

 

You are neither mad nor deluded, but I wish you luck anyway.

 

 

And now, buckle up your seat belt and hold on tight. You're both about to be on the roller coaster, and the ride isn't fun. What you've gone through so far has probably been the easy part. It will get worse before it gets better.

 

But if both of you want it, you can do it.

[Darth Vader]

Tell your wife that you want to contact this OM's wife and let her know what her husband's be doing and who he's been doing! First, he should have to pay for screwing your wife and doing this to you, he shouldn't get off scott free!!!!!!

 

Second, you'll see your wife's reaction to this (this will tell you volumes as how your wife reacts to this) If she defends her OM saying no, that it's not necessary, it may confirm it's just until things blow over then the A will start up again. See where I'm going with this?

 

Make the OM's life HELL! He deserves it! If you don't, he'll do it again and again! Just like a rapest, they don't stop!

[seibert253]

Tell your wife that you want to contact this OM's wife and let her know what her husband's be doing and who he's been doing! First, he should have to pay for screwing your wife and doing this to you, he shouldn't get off scott free!!!!!!

 

Second, you'll see your wife's reaction to this (this will tell you volumes as how your wife reacts to this) If she defends her OM saying no, that it's not necessary, it may confirm it's just until things blow over then the A will start up again. See where I'm going with this?

 

Make the OM's life HELL! He deserves it! If you don't, he'll do it again and again! Just like a rapest, they don't stop!

 

This is good Darth, but I'm on the side where he should just call the OM's W and tell her. Then tell his WW. If he gives his WW the heads up, she's likely to give the OM the head's up on what's coming. This gives him time for damage control. I say tell the OM's W, right away.

 

Yeah his WW is gonna be embarresed. It's all now in the open, no more secrecy. If she gets real angry at the BH and wants to protect the OM, then the OP needs to know this to evaluate his decision to attempt R. This may also help him gauge on where his W is as far as her commitment to him and their M.

If she truly "saw the light" as the OP alludes, and is 100% to commited to reparing her M, she really won't care if he notifies the OM's W.

[Darth Vader]

This is good Darth, but I'm on the side where he should just call the OM's W and tell her. Then tell his WW. If he gives his WW the heads up, she's likely to give the OM the head's up on what's coming. This gives him time for damage control. I say tell the OM's W, right away.

 

Yeah his WW is gonna be embarresed. It's all now in the open, no more secrecy. If she gets real angry at the BH and wants to protect the OM, then the OP needs to know this to evaluate his decision to attempt R. This may also help him gauge on where his W is as far as her commitment to him and their M.

If she truly "saw the light" as the OP alludes, and is 100% to commited to reparing her M, she really won't care if he notifies the OM's W.

 

 

Well Yeah! He could do that too! Yours might be slightly better, OK, I like it!:cool:

[jane-mary]

IMHO (I'm not experienced in the marriage dept) you need to man up. Your wife needs you to behave like her husband not friend. You two got too comfortable in your relationship and you were behaving more like friends than lovers and she strayed - learn from that. Be the man and don't take her bs, she's also testing to see how far she can go. I've tested some guys before and it's disappointing when guys fail by accepting my bs, sometimes women just want a strong man who can say ENOUGH.

[U2RockZz]

 

She is hurting as much as me over all this, and (forgive my apparent naivety) wouldn’t do this again. Some things you know about people you’ve been with 16 years.

 

 

 

i hope you really didn't expect your wife would have an affair, did you...???

 

i think , you really out of your mind to be taking and listening to the crap your wife giving you....

 

be a man....try doing something which will give your some sort of self respect....i think,you need some serious ic to get real about your situation.....

 

 

i still don't understand why are you so desperately needed to be with a cheater....if every thing goes well as she planned .... she will probably leave you for him or somebody else....do not be surprised when it happens....even if she stays with you it's cause she does not have any alternative not cause she loves you...i guess it serves your purpose

 

 

go get yourself checked for STD, HIV...finally think for yourself long and hard take your time...best of luck you need lot more of it

[turnera]

Have you called the OM's wife yet? Why not?

[michaelhopes]

IMHO (I'm not experienced in the marriage dept) you need to man up. Your wife needs you to behave like her husband not friend. You two got too comfortable in your relationship and you were behaving more like friends than lovers and she strayed - learn from that. Be the man and don't take her bs, she's also testing to see how far she can go. I've tested some guys before and it's disappointing when guys fail by accepting my bs, sometimes women just want a strong man who can say ENOUGH.

I've been lurking on this site for almost a year now.....This post made me register.

Men pay attention......This is one of the most intuitive, insightful, non-politically correct,no B.S., wisest posts you will ever read. Women will test you until the day you're pushing up daisies.

If you dont understand this.....If you think men and women think the same......You're setting yourself up for a world of hurt.

[whatcanidonow2]

jane-mary - you're right. I will be strong.

 

U2Rock - had the tests - results in 8 days.

 

turnera - can't find out who he is. Only know his first name & my W won't tell any more. I do know where he works, though (firm with 500 employees which is 3 hours away). Tried googling the company & his name, but no realistic result. If my life depended on it, I could find him, sure, but I can't see that I really want to hire private detectives. Thought about turning up at his reception with a story how I gave this guy ***** a lift back from the pub & he left his wallet in my car. Don't know his surname ..... do you know him? ..... kind of stuff, but we're not really in a movie are we, just a nightmare.

 

jthorne, yes, we have got her a new phone with a new number. The OM doesn't know this number, and we'll get rid of the old one. This will help.

 

Right now though, I'm really hurting again, thinking of the 'wonderful' times she had & new romance & passion that she experienced with him It is SO hard to bear. I can never offer her that level of experience again - we've been together & know each other too well. I think she'll always look back to the A with strong memories, as much as her head tells her it was temporary & not real life. I'd like to think that if it works we can ecperience something deeper & richer than the flush of new romance, but it seems second best right now.

 

The easiest option is to bail out. Start again with someone who hasn't cheated on me. I'm so downcast & sad. I got my annual bonus yesterday, almost 50% of my salary, but all I could do was be sad most of the night.

 

She has chosen me, even though the OM seems to be on the verge of breaking up with his W too. And we have a boy who's 11 on Monday. As hard as it is, I have to try to make it work. I think we'll both know quite soon if it's forced & not really right. Just a question of how long we give it.

 

I see what you mean reboot - it really is a rollercoaster of emotion. A couple of days ago I didn't give him & her a thought all day & felt great. And now this.

 

Today I feel there's little hope of it working out. She won't feel enough for me, and I'll forever have the feelings of hurt & deception. It's four weeks since I found out. Will this level of despair change? Off to Ibiza with the lads for four days at 7am tomorrow. Maybe sunshine & amber nectar will relieve my mood. Hope so.

[turnera]

As long as you both actively work on fixing your marriage, you CAN have an even better marriage. You'll know more, you'll learn more about each other, you'll practice total honesty, you'll become best friends again.

 

It can be done.

 

But you can't just go day to day without changing things.

 

Have I recommended getting phone counseling with Dr Harley from marriagebuilders.com? He founded the website and has counseled literally thousands of couples going through the exact same thing. I haven't heard a single person who said that it wasn't the best money they ever spent.

[turnera]

T/J: When my DH took this job 3 years ago, $12,000 of his salary was to be paid in 'bonus.' Well, the owner decided they weren't making enough money, so he cut my DH's bonus from $3000/quarter to $300/quarter. grrr

[Darth Vader]

:eek:TO THE POSTER ON THIS THREAD!!!!

 

:mad:Only know his first name & my W won't tell any more.

 

That's what you posted! BIG HUGE RED FLAG!!!!!!

 

She's STILL protecting her OM! Which means the affair is STILL ON!!!!! She's not willing to really work on her marriage!!!!!! This should tell you something, like I said, VOLUMES!

 

She's just waiting for the dust and smoke to settle before she resumes her affair in about 6 months to a year!

 

Contact a good Lawyer and Divorce her ASS PRONTO!!!!!!!

 

She's screwing with you, you know that right?

Edited May 19, 2010 by Darth Vader

[Darth Vader]

:eek:TO THE POSTER ON THIS THREAD!!!!

 

:mad:Only know his first name & my W won't tell any more.

 

That's what you posted! BIG HUGE RED FLAG!!!!!!

 

She's STILL protecting her OM! Which means the affair is STILL ON!!!!! She's not willing to really work on her marriage!!!!!! This should tell you something, like I said, VOLUMES!

 

She's just waiting for the dust and smoke to settle before she resumes her affair in about 6 months to a year!

 

Contact a good Lawyer and Divorce her ASS PRONTO!!!!!!!

 

She's screwing with you, you know that right?

 

 

I can't believe no one else caught that!