whatcanidonow2 Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Please forgive such a long first post on the forum. Like almost everyone else feels, it’s really good to read about the way that other people have coped in similar circumstances. Hopefully my story may help somebody. Three weeks ago, my wife of 15 years revealed to me that she’s been having an affair for six months with a guy who lives three hours drive away. She met him on a girl’s weekend away & found an attraction to him & attention from him that was missing in our marriage. They only exchanged phone numbers at that time & started a physical affair a month later when she managed to get four days with him - she told me she was away with a girlfriend again. Since then it’s been occasional nights in a hotel & meeting for lunch in between, once a week or fortnight. She felt in love & wanted sex again, which she hasn’t wanted with me for years; in recent years she psyched herself up for sex with me now & again, but I just thought, as she did, that it was a phase that women go through. During the six months of the affair she’s been increasingly distant with me, more & more irritable & downright nasty in the way that she treats me. One morning she said I just looked at her with dismay in my eyes as I said “what have I done for you to treat me like this?”. She just said “We’ll talk later”, and sure enough after our 10 year old was tucked up in bed that evening, she came clean & confessed to seeing this guy, saying that she loved him, but couldn’t leave me She explained that she couldn’t stand seeing what she was doing to me - all the hate & misery she was putting my way was what she felt for herself, which seemed believable. She had to tell me as she couldn’t continue with the lies. Now that we’re talking, all that has gone …… replaced by a whole bunch more stuff of course, but whatever it is, it’s actually better than the last six months. And that’s what my head says - whatever comes out of this will be better that what we had, before the affair & most certainly what we had (almost nothing) during the affair. Together or apart, we’ll both he happier. I’ve been made to review my life & the way that I’ve treated her emotionally, i.e. not as well as I should. I don’t believe you can change who you are, but I do believe that you can change your behaviour. I’ve always loved my wife, and have never considered being unfaithful myself, but I can see that I wasn’t really contributing to the relationship as a couple - we never did things just the two of us, we stopped talking closely & intimately like we used to, and I just got on with providing for her, washing, ironing, generally running the house etc. as she would often be tired & sometimes unwell. I’m talking about the last 15 years, not the last 6 months now. So we drifted apart emotionally & I was just prepared to live with it, being generally a happy, glass-half-full kind of guy. When she met the OM she had feelings awakened that she thought she’d lost, and felt alive & loved again. She is gorgeous looking, and would always get attention from men, and I did certainly compliment her on the way she looked all the time, so it was the emotional connection that did it with this guy. Anyway, I couldn’t sleep in our marital bed with him in the background, so we’ve been in separate rooms since then, but we hug a lot & have been closer in so many ways that we have been for years. She says she knows it’s just a fantasy relationship, and not real life. I’ve been urging her to leave me & go to him, saving that she should be with the person that can make her happy, which will make me happy too (if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, it‘s yours. If it doesn‘t, it never was - I really believe that). I should say that he’s married too, and can’t commit to leave his wife for mine, or at least not right away because there are exams for one of their children to get through. My wife says that there would always be a reason & that he would never leave her. I’m not so sure, and tell her so - she’s fantastic & I think he would leave his wife for mine, I’m sure of it. I don’t want her to choose me just because she thinks he won’t chose her. He was shocked when she told him that she’d told me; I told her to go & see him to talk to him. Basically she has to choose, I said. I really do want to have her back in a new marriage - the previous marriage has been shattered, but that was the best thing for it. I want to start again & show her the love that I have in the ways that she needs to see it. Not cups of tea in bed & the ironing neatly done, but showing personal caring, an interest in her day, closer conversations about our thoughts & dreams & having a good laugh together, something we haven’t done for years. So she went to see him twice in the first week with the understanding that she wouldn’t sleep with him, and then has been phoning & texting daily as she tries to work out how she feels. If she’d just left me I’d have been sad, but I would accept it & get on with life, but this state of limbo for three weeks has been driving me nuts. My whole life is our of my control & I’m expecting my wife, the most indecisive person I know to make a decision which could blow about eight people’s lives apart, if she tries to make a new ‘official’ relationship with the OM. Early yesterday I managed to get to see her phone & read the texts between them saying that they were both looking forward to seeing each other that day. I imagined that this would be my wife’s opportunity to break up with him (possible) or realise that she wanted to stay with him (more likely I thought), so I stayed silent on my knowledge & let her go. I had already said may times that we had to have complete honesty between us now, but that I understood that she would need to see him while she worked her feeling out, and that she didn’t need to tell me in advance before she met him. I has a terrible day at work. Most days it’s been difficult to focus on my job properly, but that day was awful. I knew she’d be true to my request that she had no sexual contact with him while she was still living at home with me. I also know that if we get through this, then I believe I’ll be able to trust her again. This is SOO hard for her as well as me. It’s breaking us both up. She would NEVER do this again. Anyway, that evening she didn’t say anything about seeing him, so I asked her straight twice if she’d been to see him today, saying that I’d had a feeling that something was happening etc. She denied it twice, until I said that I’d seen their text messages. I was really upset that she lied to me …… ‘to save hurting my feelings, as there’s no progress on her coming to a resolution’ she says. I can sort of accept this, but have asked for complete honesty now. I asked to see her phone, which she showed me reluctantly, and I read her message after they parted “I still feel the same way …. Love xxx”. Finally, I decided that it’s time for me to take control of my life. Waiting for an indecisive person to make a decision isn’t an option any longer, so I told her to leave & go to her friend’s house for a while. This focused her mind on what she really wants, and she says she chooses me over him. She knows that it was a fantasy relationship, but it seemed to be so good while it lasted. She’s quite down to earth & practical & can see that. I’ve had to force her to choose with an ultimatum. We’re got all sorts of books about overcoming affairs, and I can accept that things will be really difficult for a period while she grieves for the relationship that is ending. I can say calmly now that I accept this, but I know it’ll be really hard not as hard as the last three weeks though, I hope. I don’t think that I’m being foolish (you may council otherwise) by trusting her to break it off with him today & never make contact again. (At least he’s not living in the next street). She says that he’ll respect her decision & won’t get in tough with her again if she says it’s really over. She’s already told him he should try to work it out with his wife, and that he shouldn’t do what she’s done, i.e. telling me. It is SO HARD coping with the news, but I think that she has done the right thing telling me; firstly the affair would have carried on while we supposedly went to counselling, second if we did patch things up, she’d have to live with the guilt for the rest of here life. People can cope with this differently I guess, but I know that my wife feels bad about things that’s weren’t even her fault, so this would have eaten away at her & it wouldn’t have worked. We both know that we have such a difficult road ahead to repair our relationship & see if we can be the type of person that the other needs, but I start the road with optimism & hope for a good marriage. “A great marriage” might be expecting too much at the moment, but we both know that we’re not going to settle for average-to-poor. It that what’s we’ve got by, say Christmas, or next year, then we’ll both know that we really did try, but that we’re just not right for each other. It’s got to be a want-to-try too, and not a forced-to-try, or it’ll never have a chance. Sorry it’s such a long post. Hope it’s interesting to the so many people in the same position as us, and I know that’s millions. That thought makes me quite sad too. Update - the next day before I post this ………… I’ve spoken to a friend who’s told me to look out for #1, which I haven’t been really, I’ve been looking out for our relationship first & foremost. My friend reminded me how hard it’ll be living with while she’s still in love with someone else. I’ve also reflected on yesterday, with her denying seeing the guy until I told her that I’d seen her text plans, and second her text she showed me (under pressure) where she said that she still felt the same towards him. Who’s she lying to? Him or me? How can I really trust her now if she says she’s not seeing him any more. I think I can, but I was 100% sure before, and I’ve had my confidence dented now. I phoned her & said for her not to phone him to end it all if she isn’t ready, and that we need some time apart, to allow her to come to terms with what she really wants, not what she’s hosing when up against an ultimatum.
reboot Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Do you want to keep your wife or not? Not that I blame you if you don't, but partner, this ain't how you do it if you do.
Church Bells Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Man, I don't know what to say. You truly are the poster boy for being a DOORMAT the way you allow your W to wipe her feet on you as she comes in after doing her OM. Do you really have this little SELF-RESPECT??? How in the world do you simply GIVE someone else this much power over YOUR life? I'm actually embarrassed for you.
reboot Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 If you and her want to stay married, then he has to go. Period. Forever. If she needs to say goodbye, then she can do it in front of you. If she won't let him go, then you need to either force her to or kick her to the curb. That choice would depend on if you even still wanted her at that point. A good start to forcing her would be to start exposing the affair. Contact OM's wife. Cockroaches can't stand sunlight.
Bryanp Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Your post is unbelievable. You must be totally co-dependent to allow her to disrespect and humiliate you in such a horrible way. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have been so accepting as you have been? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. It is clear that she has little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Please go to a therapist and learn to regain your manhood and self-respect.
reservoirdog1 Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 FYCK. THAT. NOISE. Dude, you are a POSTER BOY for how not to recover your marriage from your spouse's affair. You are giving her WAAAAAAAY too much leniency here. Call it what you will, but the affair is continuing. Only this time, it's continuing with your knowledge, and apparent blessing. You've told her that she can pretty much take her time in continuing to see him and "figuring out what she wants". That is NOT going to bring about the end of the affair, or the start of your reconciliation (if that's what you want). It will simply prolong the agony you're dealing with knowing that she's still in contact with him and that they're still exchanging sappy I-wanna-fyck-you messages multiple times a day. You need to take your balls out of the mason jar she's holding them in, and do the following: 1. Tell her, point blank, that if she wants to reconcile with you, she must end all contact with him. PERIOD. NOW. She can send him one final email or text, telling him that it's over, and that he's not to contact her again. But you get to read it before she sends it. 2. Contact his wife, and tell her about the affair. You have no way of knowing if his wife's in the dark about it or not. Reboot put it beautifully -- expose the affair. Cockroaches hate light. I know what you're thinking -- if you do that, it'll just cause his wife pain. BULLSHYT. He's already done that -- she just doesn't know it yet. You're just being the messenger. You want his wife fighting for her marriage and watching him like a hawk. Two sets of eyes are better than one. 3. Demand of your wife that, henceforth, you get unrestricted access to her cell phone, email, and internet browser history. All of this may sound controlling, but she has a choice. Her choice is to end the marriage. You need to make it non-negotiable -- these are the terms under which you will work on reconciliation. If she won't accept them, then to hell with her. Time to grow a pair. This so-called sensitive, reasonable approach of yours is getting you nowhere.
Bryanp Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 One other points. You both need to be tested for STD's. Apparently she had no problem putting your health at risk.
reservoirdog1 Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Right now, she has no respect for you at all, and sees you as a doormat. She'll never admit it, but by manning up, taking control of the situation and putting your foot down about what conduct you'll accept from her and what the rules are, she'll start respecting you again. Rebuilding that respect is essential, both for the marriage and for you personally.
Author whatcanidonow2 Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 Guys, thanks, it's hard being called a doormat by everyone, but you're right. Up to a point. The current situation is that I've told her to move out, as I can't live with her while she has feelings for the other guy. Last night I have her the ultimatum him or me, and she choose me. But now I'm not happy with that, it's not enough for her to make a forced decision in my view. I (may) only want her if she chooses me of her own will. She's said she will finish it today, but I've told her not to unless she wants it. Even if she does end it she'll be longing for him for weeks or months, and I've told her that I don't want her living with me during this time. She can grieve for the OM on her own, not crying on my shoulder. If she doesn't come back, that's fine too. I know I'll cope fine & find someone new in time. I just don't want her back longing for someone else. Thanks again for your critical comments. I'm taking them positively!
PrettyinInk Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 the entire time i was reading your post i thought to myself, wow, he is being extremely mature, and understanding about this whole entire situation. i cannot imagine backing off and letting the man i love "figure out his feelings" that would be horrible, seeing him text another woman. i can see how the other posters think of you as a doormat, because you basically allowed your wife to continue the affair, but i honestly have to say that i do not agree. just because your approach is different from what other people would do does not mean that you are letting her walk all over you, you are just understanding that her love for you is gone/ was gone and are trying to let her make her own choice about what she wants out of life. as you can see if you have read others posts, being a hard ass and "forbidding" your wife from contact with the other man does not work either. there is no definate in situations like this, you have to do what works best for both of you. i am glad you recognized your short commings as a husband (although, i am not sure i necessarily agree- i think that halping with the house work and doing thoughtful things is being a pretty damn good husband, most don't even do that!), i hope you are working on bettering yourself, for yourself. last of all, don't let friends have too much influence over your thoughts and feelings about your wife, it is okay if you want to trust her, because you need to be able to trust her in order to build any kind of relationship with her again. good luck, keep your head up, know that you can only control your actions, not another persons, i think you have a great attitude considering the situation, and you will be just fine. even if it seems impossible right now.
karnak Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 the entire time i was reading your post i thought to myself, wow, he is being extremely mature, and understanding about this whole entire situation. i cannot imagine backing off and letting the man i love "figure out his feelings" that would be horrible, seeing him text another woman. i can see how the other posters think of you as a doormat, because you basically allowed your wife to continue the affair, but i honestly have to say that i do not agree. just because your approach is different from what other people would do does not mean that you are letting her walk all over you, you are just understanding that her love for you is gone/ was gone and are trying to let her make her own choice about what she wants out of life. as you can see if you have read others posts, being a hard ass and "forbidding" your wife from contact with the other man does not work either. there is no definate in situations like this, you have to do what works best for both of you. (...) good luck, keep your head up, know that you can only control your actions, not another persons, i think you have a great attitude considering the situation, and you will be just fine. even if it seems impossible right now. Yes, I also think you seem like an intelligent and mature man. Your approach is correct in this: she must decide wether she really wants to be with you or with the other guy. Either she's really IN or she's OUT. Regardless of the outcome in your marriage I feel you and your child will be ok after this nightmare has ended.
Spark1111 Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Good for you! Kick her to the curb until she figures out WHO she really wants. Don't get dragged into her drama, her confusion. This stuff can go on for years! Expose the affair to the OM's wife. Tell your wife if that is who you want, go get 'em because you are done. Get busy with your life, your happiness. Set conditions for her return, if that is one day what you want. No contact, Individual Counseling and Marriage Counseling. These are non-negotiable. Love is AN ACTION, not words. She has to show, by HER ACTIONS that she is willing to LOVE AND RESPECT you. Do you want to sit around for the next 30 years worrying that you were the default choice? That another affair is soon in the making? You will go crazy with suspicion and self-doubt. The relationship will self-destruct in time.
reservoirdog1 Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Get busy with your life, your happiness. Set conditions for her return, if that is one day what you want. No contact, Individual Counseling and Marriage Counseling. These are non-negotiable. Excellent advice. While she's not living with you, do a re-assessment of your life. Update your wardrobe. Start going to the gym more, and get in shape. Revisit some old interests or hobbies you gave up but have been wanting to try again, or some new interests you've never tried yet. Music, sports, cooking, etc. Reconnect with friends and try to make some new ones. And whatever you do, when you speak to your wife during this period, act upbeat. Don't ask her when she's coming back. Don't sound mopey or sad. Sound like a happy, confident guy who still loves her, but who isn't sitting in a corner pining for her while she figures her life out. You have your own life to live, and by god, you're living it. The purpose of all this is twofold. Firstly, it'll make you more attractive in her eyes. Secondly -- and most importantly -- it'll do wonders for YOU. For your self-esteem, for your level of enjoyment in your life, for your health, everything. You'll come to realize that it's possible to be happy in your life even if she's not in it. And that's absolutely critical. It won't always be easy, and it's not to say that you won't have crappy days. But you need to at least create the conditions in which you can look for happiness, and find it. "It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about." -- Lester Burnham, "American Beauty"
Dexter Morgan Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 (edited) if you take her back, don't take ANYTHING she says at face value and don't trust ANYTHING she says immediately. Always take your time when taking in anything she says, because she has proven that she can't be trusted. And yes, maybe you can trust her again, but you should never trust her completely again. Edited May 13, 2010 by Dexter Morgan
lkjh Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 You are letting her off to easy. In situations like this it doesn't pay off to be mature.
seibert253 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 (edited) I'm not trying to be an azz, but your actions were textbook for what not to do when you find out about an A. What's done is done, the issue is now how are you going to approach this from today forward. If you want to do this "right" then here's some thing you need to insist from her. These are not negotiable. 1. She ends all contact with the OM, and NEVER has ANY contact ever with him again. Period, end of discussion 2. She sends him a NC email or letter which says this and nothing else: Our A was wrong and I have decided to remain committed to my H. You are never to contact me in any fashion ever again, and I will never contact you. If you attempt to contact me, I will immediated notify my H. That's it, nothing else. You watch her compose it, then send it. 3. She gives you compete access to all of her forms of communication, email accounts, cell phones, everything. 4. The two of you start counseling IC and MC Make it clear to her that if she does not agree and abide by these, you will D her. No if's and's or buts. Let her know, that any violations of NC, deceipt or deception on her part, will lead to you re evaluating whether you will remain in this M. You need to be and grow strong and stand up for yourself. Deep down inside that's what every woman wants. A strong, confident, committed H. If you continue to allow her to dictate the terms of what she does with the OM, she will continue to lie and see him, while sleeping in your bed. The wait around and see approach is totally wrong IMO. The only thing this accomplishes is allowing them to get better at hiding their A. If you do not stand your ground and insist this ends, it will not. The only thing that will end will be your self esteem and your M. The choice is up to you: 1. Continue to be a dormat and let her walk all over you and disrespect you and your M, or 2. Stand up, face this head on, take charge, and YOU dictate the direction this heads Edited May 15, 2010 by seibert253
Jeff1962 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Look dude. We all make mistakes. I am not judging your wife nor you. We could all do thing's better in our relationships and lives. I believe that no matter how bad or good a relationships is, it is a personal choice to cheat. I know we are all human but she is continuining this relationship. Dude, do you have respect for yourself? Leave her. Letting go is so hard especially when your S.O. falls into the arms of someone else. Life is short. Many issues to think about; i.e., can I ever trust her again? She is gone way too long than she said, is she screwing someone else? When I kiss her, whom else or what am I kissing? When I snuggle up next to her, is she thinking of me or him? You are only human, you deserve more than this crap. Your move.
rewe4reel Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 whatcanIdonow2, --your wife's affair is an effect, not a cause, of the dissolution of your marriage. Your marriage is over, for all intents and purposes. Even if she were to end this particular affair right now, she still doesn't really want to be married to you. Get divorced, move on. Cut your losses NOW. Your marriage cannot be saved because she unilaterally decided to end it. It is over.
Author whatcanidonow2 Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 Thanks for everyone’s take on my situation. Seems everyone butPrettyinInk & Karnak believe that I’m letting my wife run all over me & I need to stand up to her behaviour. There’s no point in me posting on this forum & then ignoring the advice that I’m given. Always the decisions will be mine, but it’s my first time managing the fall out from an A (hope it’s the last too), and unfortunately there are many millions who’ve already been through the exact same thing. So I’m taking comments on board & this does affect my thinking. I’d like to tell Reseviordog1 & the rest that I kicked her out, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I don’t know if I want to stay M to her any longer, and I’ve asked her to move in with a friend for a week to give me a chance to think what I want, and for her to decide if she wants OM or me. She’s agreed to that & left yesterday. This thing everyone says about breaking off with OM immediately, sure that was the first thing I told her through instinct the first day I found out about the A, four weeks ago. If a reconciliation of the M is to take place that’s obviously the first step, entirely agree with everyone on that, but we’re not at that stage yet. I don’t know if I want her back now. If I don’t want to continue with our M, then I’m not going to pretend I do, just in order to split her & OM with an ultimatum that she has to leave him. A few days ago, I thought I did want to rebuild our M, and the ultimatum “him or me” caused her to choose me. Now obviously everyone’s different & you don’t know me or my W, apart from what I’ve written. For readers who think I’m letting the A continue, then from the first day I knew, she agreed to have no sexual contact with him until my W & I were ‘formally’ broken up. I know that she’ll respect that. Yes, she’s lied & cheated in the A, but that’s not the real her. She’s now being honest with me, as she previously was for 15 years ( or so I think). So, the first week I told her to go speak with him twice, which she did, and last week she saw him for lunch once. She’s texting & phoning quite often I know. Yes, I know this means that the A is continuing, but without the sex, I can live with the situation while we both work out if there is a marriage left to save. Here’s my (maybe skewed) logic if I give her an ultimatum: stop all contact with OM & repair our marriage or that’s that & we D now. Option 1 - She chooses to stay with me You can’t make somebody love you. She may be staying for all the wrong reasons, security, financial safety, OM won’t leave his wife & she doesn’t want to be alone etc. She makes the best of the rebulid, but remains fundamentally unhappy & the same A or another starts again. I don’t want this. This is the worst of all outcomes. Option 2 - She chooses to leave me, to be either on her own or persuades OM to leave his W too. Well, this is the easiest solution for me. Goodbye & good luck to her. No decisions necessary for me; I know I’m a good man & can find somebody better. Now, my approach, which everyone says is wrong, is not to force her to stop contact with OM now, but to decide what she wants, while I’m at the same time deciding what I want too. Option 2 doesn’t change & that’s fine with me. Option 1, however becomes so much more attractive. She’s come to the conclusion herself that the relationship with OM was an unreal fantasy world, which she has been telling me all along. There’s still the possibility that she’ll stay for the wrong reasons, but more chance she’s staying for the right reasons, and C can make a strong M out of this wreckage. Can the guys who’re telling me to use strong-arm tactics understand, or am I simply not listening to your advice, and have no chance to control my own destiny? Have a question for you - when does the image of my W & OM having sex disappear? At the moment I want to be with someone who hasn’t cheated on me. If we decide to go through C & start the M again, I’d only do it if I knew I could trust her; will I always have flashbacks to what she’s done with the OM behind my back? I’m off on a long Stag weekend to Ibiza next Thursday - Sunday. I’m in the UK & for those N Americans not familiar, it’s a Spanish island in the Med, the party capital of Europe. The ten of us are all 49 / 50, so we‘ll probably be the oldest swingers in town. The opportunities for an easy lay are quite a bit higher here than elsewhere. I could probably get my retaliation in if I wanted to, but would this just be pathetic? You can tell that I think it would. A one night stand might make me feel good temporarily, but I can’t see that it’ll help the overall picture. I’m quite sure that I’ll start honing my chatting-up skills (16 years out of practice) though, in preparation for life again as a single man. You may be right rewe4reel, it’s simply time to move on. Being single again doesn’t fill me with dread. That’s why I’m not desperate to hang on to my W at any cost. I’m going to be in good shape, come what may.
LifesontheUp Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Good for you! Kick her to the curb until she figures out WHO she really wants. Don't get dragged into her drama, her confusion. This stuff can go on for years! Expose the affair to the OM's wife. Tell your wife if that is who you want, go get 'em because you are done. Get busy with your life, your happiness. Set conditions for her return, if that is one day what you want. No contact, Individual Counseling and Marriage Counseling. These are non-negotiable. Love is AN ACTION, not words. She has to show, by HER ACTIONS that she is willing to LOVE AND RESPECT you. Do you want to sit around for the next 30 years worrying that you were the default choice? That another affair is soon in the making? You will go crazy with suspicion and self-doubt. The relationship will self-destruct in time. This is dead on the money. Get busy with life without her, start doing things for YOU. Its not easy, I know from experience but you have to start thinking of YOU as she is only thinking of herself. If she wants to come back then YOU can decide under what conditions/terms. Oh and yes you are right. Retaliation on your stag weekend end isn't a good idea, it'll make you feel bad and you don't know what you will catch
Author whatcanidonow2 Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 Thanks Lifes, you & Sparky are right. Initially my thoughts were all about how best to save the relationship. Now they're changing to "how to save me". And I feel a lot better for it.
Steadfast Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 This is a tough situation to comment on because you seem to be self-analyzing pretty well. Very level-headed and mature. Still, I can't help thinking there's a ticking time-bomb somewhere. Tick-tick-tick... The one thing I keep picking up on is your concern about ultimatums. If I'm reading you right, you're concerned that forcing an on-the-spot decision might make her stay with you out of fear, rather than love; the real reason to stay. I can relate well with this...the one thing I'm sure my ex was honest about was her fear. But, its been my experience that women will be with who they want to be with, regardless of the motivation. That is to say, in the end a woman will cast her lot towards the unknown if that's where her love is, and reject the 'sure thing'. The weak-willed might wish to keep the rejected on-line as a back up, forcing the question; do you want to be the person she settles for? Personally, I could not handle that. So, you're on the right track here; at this point it is all about you. The opportunities for an easy lay are quite a bit higher here than elsewhere. I could probably get my retaliation in if I wanted to, but would this just be pathetic? You can tell that I think it would. A one night stand might make me feel good temporarily, but I can’t see that it’ll help the overall picture. It wouldn't be pathetic, it would be harmful to you because in the aftermath, it'll just give you more conflicting emotions to deal with. You'll read all kinds of advice against this; listen to it. It'll just make things worse. Second, it would be wrong; for better or worse you're a married man. The old bit about two wrongs is accurate. Sex will be there, at some point, you have bigger fish to fry at the moment. You'll deal better with your integrity intact-
lkjh Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 you are her husband not her friend, you have every right to tell her to cut all contact with the OM even if you don't want to stay with her and you should do just that. No woman respects a passive man
U2RockZz Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 i don't know what you are trying to achieve....all your decisions are made on what she does or not....don't you have a opinion of your own....get a grip.....moreover w of yours is neither a W nor a friend....right now you are living with a worst enemy of yours.....complete waste of time and energy... hire PI,get a full evidence on her indiscretions and file D on grounds of adultery....sue OM with AA...doesn't matter whether you win or not but it will show her she messed with the wrong person....hit her fast...hit her hard....no more mr nice guy...if you take her back ...it won't look like you are patient enough and nice enough to loo over her transgression...it will look like you do not have enough self respect for yourself to leave that cheating, lying,disrespecting lady...time for either retribution or leave them for karma(i won't do this)....and finally it's your bloody life take control of it....
whichwayisup Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Now, my approach, which everyone says is wrong, is not to force her to stop contact with OM now, but to decide what she wants, while I’m at the same time deciding what I want too. If you allow this, trust me, you'll be the one pushing her out the door and heading to a divorce. She will continue the A, hide it more from you and not make any decision. How can you even consider fixing or wanting your marriage until the time comes your wife actually feels bad, shows remorse and wants to prove herself to you, prove she can be trustworthy again? That and goes total NC with the OM. With him waiting in the wings, you two don't have a chance. You say you trust her that she says she wont' have sex with him. How can you be sure? How can you possibly trust her at her word? Does fooling around, kissing, oral sex count? Hand holding, talking, emailing, texting? By letting her off the hook this way is just reinforcing her cheating behaviour. She said what she said out of desparation!
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