Building real confidence without success or affirmations.

[Lights]

What are good ways to become confident in oneself in areas where one has had absolutely nothing but failure, and where the "fake-it-till-you-make-it" and "self-talk" methods don't work?

 

I'm working on becoming confident in my ability to be socially powerful and sexually attractive. I have had absolutely zero success in those endeavors and no positive feedback, and the "believe it and you'll see it" methods have turned out to be empty fantasy.

 

What are good ways to become confident in one's abilities when one doesn't have the advantage of a successful track record or any positive feedback, and when negative responses do not provide information on what can be improved?

Edited May 13, 2010 by Lights

[PrettyinInk]

What are good ways to become confident in oneself in areas where one has had absolutely nothing but failure, and where the "fake-it-till-you-make-it" and "self-talk" methods don't work?

 

I'm working on becoming confident in my ability to be socially powerful and sexually attractive. I have had absolutely zero success in those endeavors and no positive feedback, and the "believe it and you'll see it" methods have turned out to be empty fantasy.

 

What are good ways to become confident in one's abilities when one doesn't have the advantage of a successful track record or any positive feedback, and when negative responses do not provide information on what can be improved?

 

d. needs more information, such as what kind of negative responses (maybe you need to read between the lines- not everyone is going to be blunt with you and tell you what you are doing wrong).

 

until then, i will give you this tip:

first you need to lose the attitude. it will be impossible to look at yourself in a positive light if you feel like everything you have done has been a failure.

 

 

what exactly is a successful track record anyway?

thus far in my 10 years of dating i have not had a relationship that worked out (to marriage- my ultimate relationship goal) but i do not believe it is because i am unsucessful at relationships, or there is something inheriently wrong with me.

[Philetus]

What are good ways to become confident in oneself in areas where one has had absolutely nothing but failure, and where the "fake-it-till-you-make-it" and "self-talk" methods don't work?

 

I'm working on becoming confident in my ability to be socially powerful and sexually attractive. I have had absolutely zero success in those endeavors and no positive feedback, and the "believe it and you'll see it" methods have turned out to be empty fantasy.

 

There is no quick fix. You have to make it a goal, realize it will take some time, and go for it. You have to really want it, not just pay lip service to it.

 

The first thing is your self image. Become someone YOU'D like to date. You need to come to believe that people are crazy to not want to date you, so when you get rejected it's THEIR problem, not yours. Don't laugh, it's totally possible.

 

Get yourself to a gym. This is absolutely essential to building a positive self image. Once women you barely know say things like, "I like your muscles" while actually grabbing your arm, it goes a looonnng way to building your confidence.

 

It will also straighten your posture which is another thing women look for. They hate slouchers. I don't know if you slouch or not, but stop it.

 

It will also make you feel good. You won't be tired or lethargic. You just have to do it if you're serious about being socially powerful and sexually attractive.

 

 

The second thing is find situations where you have a higher chance of success or where you feel comfortable. If you have difficulty flirting with women you don't know, flirt with women you DO know. You don't have to date them.

 

Talk to women in all kinds of situations WITHOUT the added pressure of wanting to ask them out. Get used to talking to women, then when you get good at communicating, take the next step.

 

Really avoid situations where you're uncomfortable or nervous as much as you can.

 

PRACTICE LOOKING WOMEN IN THE EYE. Pick an eye (usually the right one) and always look there and smile. Don't stare but practice holding that contact for as long as is comfortable. At first, it's weird but it'll become second nature pretty quickly.

 

The eyes are the windows to the soul and if you do it, you'll find women who like you will hold your eye contact and smile back which will give you even more confidence.

 

To recap - build a positive self image, get in situations where you're the most comfortable, and PRACTICE (you don't have to date every women you flirt with.) I don't date 1/4 of the women I flirt with.

[Toki]

You know, I'm not the most successful, or handsome, or funniest guy. And my confidence isn't loud, or berating, or snobby. It's quiet, and honest. I got my confidence because I can be honest with myself, and with other people, and I don't worry how it will affect me, if others don't like what I have to say, that's their problem, and if I don't like what I think about myself, I work on improving it. The best piece of confidence advice I can give anyone is: You don't need anybody but yourself.

 

~Cheers!

[Lights]

d. needs more information, such as what kind of negative responses (maybe you need to read between the lines- not everyone is going to be blunt with you and tell you what you are doing wrong).

It's hit rock bottom. It's been a long time since anyone even recognized my existence or responded to even a hi. (And no one ever reaches out to or hits on me.)

 

until then, i will give you this tip:

first you need to lose the attitude. it will be impossible to look at yourself in a positive light if you feel like everything you have done has been a failure.

How would I do that? Everything has in fact been a failure. How am I successful at having flings and dates if people refuse to consider me for them?

 

what exactly is a successful track record anyway?

I'm interested in being successful in flings and dating.

[Lights]

There is no quick fix. You have to make it a goal, realize it will take some time, and go for it. You have to really want it, not just pay lip service to it.

I know. I have been trying to fix this for years.

 

The first thing is your self image. Become someone YOU'D like to date. You need to come to believe that people are crazy to not want to date you, so when you get rejected it's THEIR problem, not yours. Don't laugh, it's totally possible.

I'm not laughing at that. But people do not seem to be behaving as if they are missing out when they do so. I end up being left wondering; am I truly surrounded with a world of insane people, or am I in fact still being viewed (rightfully OR wrongfully) as undesirable?

 

Get yourself to a gym. This is absolutely essential to building a positive self image.

Been there, done that, still doing that.

 

It will also straighten your posture which is another thing women look for. They hate slouchers. I don't know if you slouch or not, but stop it.

I don't slouch, but the "confident body language" hasn't done a damned thing in my life either.

 

The second thing is find situations where you have a higher chance of success or where you feel comfortable. If you have difficulty flirting with women you don't know, flirt with women you DO know. You don't have to date them.

It's the same problem. If I can't get them to spend time around me, I don't get to know them, whether for flirting or otherwise.

[Els]

True confidence is not based on how people perceive you, but in how you perceive yourself.

 

Until and unless you stop measuring 'success and affirmation' by just how many women are interested in you, this is going to be a problem. Affirmation is best received from yourself, and it comes when you can take a deep look into yourself and truly like what you see. Success is defined by so many things in life, and restricting it to merely 'dating prowess' will get you nowhere.

[electricity]

I'm interested in being successful in flings and dating.

 

I don't think that's what people mean when they say be a confident person. You should work on building up OTHER parts of your life (the non-relationship part). It could be your career, a hobby, working out, being a great friend, anything. When you gain confidence from being good in that, it will naturally carry over into other aspects of your life, making you appear a happier, more confident individual overall.

[Lights]

True confidence is not based on how people perceive you, but in how you perceive yourself.

And other people's actions on their perceptions of me alter my perception of myself. Pretty simple, really; if one finds that year after year no people of possible interest considers one fling-worthy, than one might end up perceiving that one isn't attractive as a fling.

 

Until and unless you stop measuring 'success and affirmation' by just how many women are interested in you, this is going to be a problem. Affirmation is best received from yourself, and it comes when you can take a deep look into yourself and truly like what you see. Success is defined by so many things in life, and restricting it to merely 'dating prowess' will get you nowhere.

 

I don't restrict my definition of success in life to romantosexual matters.

 

However, confidence can exist in different areas in one's life. For an example, I'm confident in my ability to pass my classes or to drive my car, but not in my ability to have desirable people naturally drawn to me.

[Lights]

I don't think that's what people mean when they say be a confident person. You should work on building up OTHER parts of your life (the non-relationship part). It could be your career, a hobby, working out, being a great friend, anything. When you gain confidence from being good in that, it will naturally carry over into other aspects of your life, making you appear a happier, more confident individual overall.

 

I've been there before. It doesn't carry over. It's great for accomplishing other things in life, though.

Edited May 13, 2010 by Lights

[Els]

And other people's actions on their perceptions of me alter my perception of myself. Pretty simple, really; if one finds that year after year no people of possible interest considers one fling-worthy, than one might end up perceiving that one isn't attractive as a fling.

 

So you want to have lots of flings? Not have a deep, meaningful relationship? In that case, I'm afraid I can't help you - the nature of flings is just that way. Accept it or rethink what you want.

 

I don't restrict my definition of success in life to romantosexual matters.

 

However, confidence can exist in different areas in one's life. For an example, I'm confident in my ability to pass my classes or to drive my car, but not in my ability to have desirable people naturally drawn to me.

 

What do you think about your personality, intelligence, people-skills, talents, career and success in other areas of life? Frankly, you have it a little easier as a man. Women tend to weigh career success, intelligence, talents, etc higher than men do. Your success in other areas of life can and will carry over if you meet the right woman.

[AD1980]

Women are either attracted to you or not all this fluff cliche advice your hearing means very little..

 

Of course you should be the best person u can be but sometimes its not enough

[electricity]

I've been there before. It doesn't carry over. It's great for accomplishing other things in life, though.

 

Are you more confident as a person overall because of those successes? I didn't mean having a successful career is the exact same thing as having a successful dating life; I meant that it will make you more confident overall.

 

I also agree with Elswyth - flings just happen and I can't help you force women to have flings with you. However, you can become more attractive to women looking for serious relationships.

[Lights]

So you want to have lots of flings? Not have a deep, meaningful relationship? In that case, I'm afraid I can't help you - the nature of flings is just that way. Accept it or rethink what you want.

 

Flings, dates, relationships, whatever. I wish to have the ability to create and choose any of them.

 

It's not so crazy really. No one questions the idea that a socially powerful man who is in a long-term relationship at 40 may have had some flings and less serious dating during his teens and 20s and may have done some more serious dating in his 20s and 30s.

 

If you can't help, no worries. Thanks for trying to talk it through at least. These days too many people don't even believe what I am going through, or they consider me a lost cause or assume I am lying.

 

What do you think about your personality, intelligence, people-skills, talents, career and success in other areas of life? Frankly, you have it a little easier as a man. Women tend to weigh career success, intelligence, talents, etc higher than men do. Your success in other areas of life can and will carry over if you meet the right woman.

 

It depends what the areas in life are. Some areas in my life are fine, others no. They do not carry over, and nor do the relevant talents involved in them carry over. (We can note that my ineptitude at 3-point shots has had no effect on my ability to program a computer, and likewise there seems to be no effect regarding the converse.)

 

I have identified a part of my life where I have no confidence at all and nothing available to build any with. That is why I am asking advice how to build it.

[Feelin Frisky]

What are good ways to become confident in oneself in areas where one has had absolutely nothing but failure, and where the "fake-it-till-you-make-it" and "self-talk" methods don't work?

 

I'm working on becoming confident in my ability to be socially powerful and sexually attractive. I have had absolutely zero success in those endeavors and no positive feedback, and the "believe it and you'll see it" methods have turned out to be empty fantasy.

 

What are good ways to become confident in one's abilities when one doesn't have the advantage of a successful track record or any positive feedback, and when negative responses do not provide information on what can be improved?

 

This is not a joke or a stigmatizing suggestion but I used to blush a lot and it made me keep from pulling the trigger on asserting myself. Then there was the SSRI revolution of the 90's in which a completely different approach to psychopharmacology came into use but without clear differentiation from classic psychiatry. I got on one of the meds which was transparent in all respects except I lost my shyness, didn't blush anymore and felt as though there was no reason not to see myself as fundamentally smart as anyone else alive. I didn't develop a big head or an alter-ego where I went around trying to prove anything, I just lost the butterflies in the stomach and the desire to fold myself into the background. That medication is called Prozac and it is not just for depression but "social anxiety disorder". A small dose a day and some measurement of changes in your confidence level with your doctor over a few months could help make you better tuned chemically as we are not all the same and none perfect. Seratonin is the guardian at the gate of fight or flight and if it's a hair or two below or above normal you may feel an uneasiness with asserting yourself socially. It's not cheating, it's leveling the playing field to make life fair is it turns out that your imperfection is in the seratonin system.

[TouchedByViolet]

One good place to always start is your looks. As superficial as it sounds, it is extremely helpful to look clean and refreshing. Make yourself look your best! Get a fashion upgrade, a nice haircut, facial hair or lack of (whatever works for you), and work out to stay in shape.

[Engadget]

When I went to high school I was still a shy, nerdy kid. I became good friends with a girl, and we later started having sex and it changed slowly after that. I got in with the "wrong crowd" and began partying more than going to school, was called a "player", which I still laugh about because I've been called it recently despite being the opposite.

 

I don't know, it just happened slowly. I used to be averse to hanging out with groups of people I didn't know. Now I can do it and have no qualms about it. Working out back then helped, and it was kind of a slow, natural transformation I guess.

[Lights]

Are you more confident as a person overall because of those successes? I didn't mean having a successful career is the exact same thing as having a successful dating life; I meant that it will make you more confident overall.

In those specific arenas yes, in other arenas no.

 

I also agree with Elswyth - flings just happen and I can't help you force women to have flings with you.

That's okay. I'm not talking about force here.

 

One good place to always start is your looks. As superficial as it sounds, it is extremely helpful to look clean and refreshing. Make yourself look your best! Get a fashion upgrade, a nice haircut, facial hair or lack of (whatever works for you), and work out to stay in shape.

 

I buy new clothes occasionally, when I can afford to. I keep my haircut clean, and I keep hearing people talk about working out, but it's not like any amount of working out has changed the situation at all.

 

I don't know, it just happened slowly...

 

Working out back then helped, and it was kind of a slow, natural transformation I guess.

In my life I have not shared your fortune. Nothing "transformed" "naturally" for me, and years of working out has not changed anything. Thanks anyways.

Edited May 13, 2010 by Lights

[Lakeside_runner]

In my life I have not shared your fortune. Nothing "transformed" "naturally" for me, and years of working out has not changed anything. Thanks anyways.

 

And, if I may ask, how often and how long have you been working out?

 

For me working out also made a difference. Lost 30lbs and now that I'm fit and as far as endurance goes can do stuff most guys can't do, my self-confidence and esteem are much higher than they used to be...

[Lights]

And, if I may ask, how often and how long have you been working out?

 

I work out most nights of the week (four to six times usually).

 

I first started taking it more seriously when I was in college (over a decade ago), and with the exception of a couple years when I had to stop due to other pressures, I have been continuing to work out.

 

Those are meaningless details, though. Me-in-good-shape and me-in-poor-shape have been equally ineffective in attracting women romantosexually and in becoming socially powerful on sight, and the ineffectiveness in question has prevented me from building genuine confidence in those areas.

[Lakeside_runner]

I work out most nights of the week (four or more).

 

I first started taking it more seriously when I was in college (over a decade ago), and with the exception of a couple years when I had to stop due to other pressures, I have been continuing to work out.

 

Those are meaningless details, though. Me-in-good-shape and me-in-poor-shape have been equally ineffective in attracting women romantosexually and in becoming socially powerful on sight, and the ineffectiveness in question has prevented me from building genuine confidence in those areas.

 

When you're among people - do you give out a positive vibe? Are you this guy who is genuinely happy with his life and with what he does and where he's heading, or are you rather this 'whatever...'-guy who just stands around and watches other people waiting for something to happen.

I've noticed that the first one is somehow attractive. Not only to women but to people in general. If you're open to people in general, girls notice that and even if it's not them initiating a conversation they won't perceive you as a creeper (this was my biggest concern some time ago).

I'm just saying - for me to become the person who I'm now, working out helped tremendously!

[AD1980]

When you're among people - do you give out a positive vibe? Are you this guy who is genuinely happy with his life and with what he does and where he's heading, or are you rather this 'whatever...'-guy who just stands around and watches other people waiting for something to happen.

I've noticed that the first one is somehow attractive. Not only to women but to people in general. If you're open to people in general, girls notice that and even if it's not them initiating a conversation they won't perceive you as a creeper (this was my biggest concern some time ago).

I'm just saying - for me to become the person who I'm now, working out helped tremendously!

 

It is amazing women assume if youre somewhat quiet youre creep or weird

[electricity]

In those specific arenas yes, in other arenas no.

 

Then just do more of whatever you have confidence in. Let's say you're strong career-wise. When you're on a date, talk about how your growth in your career is important to you and what you're doing to achieve it. The confidence and passion you have in that area of life is attractive and will be projected.

 

It's OK if you don't have a super successful track record with women. Most women aren't looking for players who're confident about their ability to get any woman they want. I thought it was cute and was extremely flattered when a guy told me he'd never really dated before and wasn't sure what to do. Everyone has areas of life they're weaker at - what I want to see is someone confident enough in their ability to overcome those challenges to keep trying to improve, instead of saying "I'm not good at that" and giving up. That you have areas where you are confident in yourself is great - it shows you have the drive to keep improving at something.

 

You can ask your friends for advice - they know you better and may be able to give more specific advice on how to improve. Think of how you had the will to overcome difficulties in areas where you were successful. Think of how you were successful there, and tell yourself you're good enough to overcome any obstacles, and that's where you get the initial confidence to put yourself out there.

Edited May 13, 2010 by electricity

[Green]

Do you actualy try and kiss girls? Whens the last time you kissed a girl?

 

Oh and don't expect girls to hit on you, not going to happen.

 

You learn the most from your failures, so get out there and try bold crazy things like asking out the women you like who works in the mall, or inviting some woman you meet on the train to a pool party you are planning on attending ect... then you need to actualy try kissing a woman.

 

My guess is you havn't tried kissing a woman in over a year... am I right?

[Rhythmic]

http://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2006/09/20/the-confidence-myth/

 

 

The myth of self-confidence is so subtle and deceptive that you may at first have trouble believing what I just wrote. I mean, all those people who are really successful, they are all really confident. And what about those situations where confidence and charm makes up a huge portion of the outcome like delivering a speech, making a sale or asking someone on a date. You can’t honestly be saying confidence isn’t important, can you?

The problem isn’t that confidence is bad, it is that people assume it is the cause of success. This isn’t true. Confidence is correlated with success, that is true, but it isn’t the cause of success. What is really the cause of success in any situation, no matter how dependent it may seem to be on confidence is really three attributes: aptitude, beliefs and emotional control.

Having confidence can give you a temporary boost of control, but whenever you encounter a situation where you fail because you misjudged the ease of the encounter, your confidence crashes and you have to start rebuilding it again. By instead focusing on these three other aspects you can maintain a cool, calm and collected exterior, internally handling failure with ease and greatly increasing your ability.

http://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2007/04/08/the-myth-of-confidence/

 

 

So here’s the truth about confidence: You can only have confidence when other people give it to you. When others in your age group like you, respect you, admire you, and are attracted to you, you get confidence. When they don’t like you, scorn you, and reject you, you lose confidence. Therefore, the level of confidence you have is controlled by others, NOT by you. You can not just decide to be confident. Confidence is not a choice or decision you can make. You can’t just snap your fingers and, Abracadabra, you’re confident. It doesn’t work that way. It can’t work that way. Social confidence, by it’s very definition, requires support and acceptance from others (in your own age group) before it can exist.

(on an important side note: When people mention confidence, 98% of the time they are unwittingly referring to one specific kind: Social Confidence. So please don’t argue with me about other forms of confidence. They are irrelevant to this issue. For example, if you’ve mastered the Klingon language or are an expert in stamp collecting, you may be very confident in your ability. But that confidence CAN NOT translate into social confidence unless others respect, admire, and reward you for your abilities. The average Klingon speaker is more likely to be shunned, particularly by the opposite sex, rather than admired. Thus, please keep in mind that the kind of confidence I discuss here is only the most commonly discussed kind: Social confidence)

Confidence is merely a byproduct of success. You need some kind of social/sexual/romantic success before you can have genuine confidence. Confidence without success is delusional and/or dishonest, thus fake, and others will quickly recognize it as such. Here’s why: It’s not really the confidence itself that people are attracted to. Confidence is merely what results when someone has the qualities that are really attracting us. Obviously, if someone is good-looking, or wealthy, or funny & quick-witted, others will be attracted to them. This, in turn, will give them confidence.

 

 

 

 

Build skill in talking to women first. Go to the gym and get an attractive body and attractive job and attractive hobbies. You can't have confidence without the success first. It just doesn't work.