beatingheartbaby Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 girlfriend broke up with me last monday, it is thursday. she broke up with me because she said she needed time and space to focus on graduating from college. we had been fighting recently about how i felt she wasnt putting forth the same effort into our relationship as i was. btw, we have been in a long distance relationship for 5 and a half years. she says she cant handle the added responsibility right now, and just needs to be alone. swears there is no one else, and says she doesnt want to talk about us until she is graduated. said she feels like she has lost the fire, but feels this is a huge mistake on her part. she also invited me to her graduation, which is in a week. we have been no contact for 6 days now. we have always been close, passionate lovers, and have always talked about marriage and the future. when she broke up with me, she was crying hysterically, and kept saying like, "i want to marry you, and have your babies, but i dont know if i want to do that. i need to feel independent. i need my space. just let me graduate." question: three weeks ago, everything was fine. she called me one night, crying, and told me, "I just heard 'need you now' by lady antebellum, and i just dont ever want to be without you" i burned this one song onto a cd, i want to send it to her. should i? does that break no-contact? i just want to remind her of the feeling.
Drummergirl_23 Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I'm going through almost EXACTLY the same thing. If you truly want to go no contact...DON'T! Think about how you'll feel if she doesn't respond or if she doesn't respond in the way you want her to. How crappy will that make you feel? If/when she wants to speak to you, she will. Let her have her space/time. Also, a "break" is usually a transitioning period between being together and totally not being together anymore for good. People tried to tell me this a few months ago when my gf wanted a "break" and I had my heart set on a second chance. I got that chance and it blew up in my face and I now feel like its definitely over and the best part is now I'm not worried about second chances. I don't mean to discourage you but I guess some people (like me) have to figure out the reality of the situation on their own. Good luck to you, I know its hard. Stay strong, NO contact.
Author beatingheartbaby Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 its just hard. because its confusing. she told me at first she felt that she needed space to get that spark back for me. she said we needed space to ensure any chance at a future. she told me she doesnt want to play any games, she is here for me, and if i need to talk to her i can call or text her whenever. but whenever i did, she would talk to me like a distant friend, an acquaintence. and that hurt way too much. i wanted to send her the cd, and a picture that she sent me a few months ago. its a picture of us, and on the back of it, she wrote, "i love you more than life". I wrote underneath it, "i still love you more than life...i always will" i feel that this will help clear any confusion for her. the thing thats crazy is that she comes home in like a month. i dont understand the timing of this break up.
Drummergirl_23 Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Just saying, she may be confused about her feelings for you but it seems like she is CERTAIN in the fact that she wants time and space from you. I'm sure you made very clear your feelings toward her. She doesn't need you to remind her of how she felt 3 months ago. My gut feeling is that you are not going to get the reaction you are hoping for by doing this. I say be patient and understanding. The last thing you want to do is guilt her into feeling like she has to get back together because she feels bad. Let her call you and send you CDs and show YOU that this is what she wants. When my gf asked for a break, my biggest mistake was basically making her feel bad and like she had to get back together with me cause she didn't wanna hurt me. In the end, it only made her resent me more and push me farther away and now we are broken up again and this time for good. Right now, you are trying to control the situation and her feelings and you are trying to manipulate her a little if you send this stuff. I'm not saying you are a manipulative person, but you are hurt and you will do/say anything to have her back. This will backfire...trust me. I know it first-hand.
Drummergirl_23 Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 To be blunt, SHE gave up on you, not you on her. Why would you need to reiterate to her your feelings or show her any type of effort? Let HER be the one to show YOU that she wants this to work. And if she doesn't show you that and prove it to you, then she is selfishly stringing you along and it may be time to heal and move on. I know its not what you wanna hear right now but the only way a second chance will work is if the person who does the leaving proves to the person, without pressure or force, that they made a mistake and want to do everything in their power to give it another go. Its sort of crazy, talking to you is like I'm talking to myself 3 months ago, lol. Our situations are so similar. Do what I didn't have the strength to do and let her be. If she wants you, she will show you that and prove that to you.
TheGrimSweeper Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Do not send it. She knows how you feel, the rest is up to her. Dont initiate any conversation with her.
Ilovecake Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 its just hard. because its confusing. she told me at first she felt that she needed space to get that spark back for me. she said we needed space to ensure any chance at a future. she told me she doesnt want to play any games, she is here for me, and if i need to talk to her i can call or text her whenever. but whenever i did, she would talk to me like a distant friend, an acquaintence. and that hurt way too much. i wanted to send her the cd, and a picture that she sent me a few months ago. its a picture of us, and on the back of it, she wrote, "i love you more than life". I wrote underneath it, "i still love you more than life...i always will" i feel that this will help clear any confusion for her. the thing thats crazy is that she comes home in like a month. i dont understand the timing of this break up. By sending her a picture and a CD to mess with her emotions you're doing exactly what you don't want to do which is play games. This will drive a further wedge between you two. If she sounds like she's pulling away any attempt at contact from you will push her further away. You're not even giving her the chance to miss you. Not only that but you’re being disrespectful by ignoring her wishes for space.
Author beatingheartbaby Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 good call. i was going to send it as soon as i woke up this morning. gut instinct. but im glad i didnt. now...should i attend the graduation? i want to be supportive. i mean, i have been with this woman for 5 and a half years! but i dont want to become the best friend, and i want her to miss me. i honestly think that once she sees me, she will miss me. whenever we used to fight, if it were on the phone, she was cold. but if it were in person, she always cried and held on to me... for example, when she broke up with me, i drove down to talk to her in person. she was crying hysterically, and just all over the place. holding my hands, when i got up to leave, she asked for a hug and a kiss. i was very cool and collected about it, i agreed with her and told her i hope she can figure everything out and find herself. but once i got home, the panic set in, and i called her and practically begged to reconsider. during the phone call, she was cold. very distant, and heartless. completely different from when i saw her in person earlier that day...
carhill Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 long distance relationship for 5 and a half years + she felt that she needed space to get that spark back for me + she told me she doesnt want to play any games, she is here for me, and if i need to talk to her i can call or text her whenever. but whenever i did, she would talk to me like a distant friend, an acquaintance. = There's someone else. That's my summation for the day. Black hole this one.
Drummergirl_23 Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Good for you!! I promise you will be glad you didn't send it. P.S. I hate it when commenters surmise that a person that they don't know, have never met is automatically cheating or has found someone else. The reason to not talk to her is because she asked you not to. It doesn't matter what her reasons and this doesn't necessarily mean she's seeing someone else. Telling someone their SO has someone else doesn't help them deal with no contact any better, it just makes them paranoid and jealous and plants seeds of doubt into their head. It probably makes them MORE likely to contact the ex and be needy and clingy. Don't worry about her reasons for needing a break, just focus on other things going on in YOUR life and put yourself first for a change. Don't worry about when she's gonna call you or what might happen between the two of you in the future. Stay busy, talk to friends and relatives. Smile! Laugh! Everything will be ok, no matter if she comes back or not. Remember the type of person you are, all the good qualities that you have and all the reasons why a person would be lucky to have someone like you as their boyfriend. If she cannot see or relate to these qualities, then its her loss!!
carhill Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Voice of long and painful experience speaking, including being married, not to mention reading hundreds of stories on LS over the years. I suggest the OP read the LDR forum in detail for more insight. It's OK to hate. Hate the person who isn't being honest. That's the OP's girl. Her words and actions don't match at all.
Ilovecake Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 If she's responding to you coldly when you make any attempt at contact I would 100% leave her alone. Imagine showing up at her graduation and her acting like she's uncomfortable to be around you. That would hurt so badly and you would probably want to burry your head in the sand. Whether she's seeing someone or not she did make her wishes very clear and any move you make towards her right now she will probably take negatively because you're not respecting her wishes. She made a very big confusing decision and right now she is going to look for signs that tell her she made the right decision and anything you do she will interpret as that sign. The best thing you can do is nothing. You have to be pretty strong to do nothing but it will pay off for you in the end.
Drummergirl_23 Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I agree with Ilovecake. I think the graduation thing is a bad idea. A.) You go and its totally akward and you feel silly for going. B.) You go and she professes her undying love for you. C.) You go see a movie or something with a friend instead, she's left wondering why you didn't show and now she is the one feeling silly. Given the information you've provided (i.e. her being distant on phone, not emailing or calling, etc.) its seems very unlikely that scenario B will actually take place. Whether you choose A. or C. is your choice but I urge you to realize that one ends with YOUR pride being hurt and one ends with HER pride being hurt. She made a decision, so now let her feel the full weight of her decision.
Author beatingheartbaby Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 drummergirl, you are awesome. carhill - of all the scenarios that are running through my mind. that one makes sense as well. but considering that she has great character, we were each others first...orginally planning on waiting til marriage, but the sexual frustration broke us around year 3. i would give her the benefit of the doubt, and say, she is probably going through some trying times. but it would make sense if there was someone else. she had been going to a lot of school functions recently that made me scratch my head...unusual behavior. the most logical thing that is going on, IMHO, is that she has built a wall againt me, because of all the fighting and my insecurities. although i had reason behind my insecurities, as every action causes a reaction. it probably just broke her down in her stressful times. i think that she doesnt want to be with me anymore, but she does love me and didnt want to break my heart face to face. looking back, she was upset that i came to see her...thus, she wanted to break up with me on the phone...cold blooded! and drummergirl, its not that shes cold on the phone. she is very kind, but the kindness that you give when you first meet someone. "hi, how are you. pleasure to meet you" imagine that tone... ...and i never thought kindness could hurt so much. i am leaning towards not attending the graduation. however, i just feel like i should be there. but it would be awkward. the question that lurks in my mind is this...she comes home in less tha a month. she lives down the street from me...what will happen? ....
Drummergirl_23 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 and drummergirl, its not that shes cold on the phone. she is very kind, but the kindness that you give when you first meet someone. "hi, how are you. pleasure to meet you" imagine that tone... ...and i never thought kindness could hurt so much. i am leaning towards not attending the graduation. however, i just feel like i should be there. but it would be awkward. I know its rough. Its like they talk to you like the last few years just disappeared and they didn't just rip your heart out of your chest. My best advice for you to stop feeling crushed every time she does this is to not call her. I know you wanna talk to her, hear her voice but you need to realize its leaving you distraught and your biggest concern should be your own sanity. As for the cheating, I'm not saying she doesn't have someone else or she does have someone else. She might. My point is that it does you no good to stress, worry, or think about that possibility, even though its tough. As for the graduation... Look, I can tell you are a nice guy. You love and care about her and you recognize how big of an accomplishment this is for her. You probably also feel like you are part of the accomplishment. After all, were you not the one who had to listen while she complained about her chem exam? Where you not the one who had to accept that her school work was her main priority and did you not have to sacrifice being with her so that she could study or go to class?? I know the feeling, I'm totally in your same situation. My LDR just ended, the whole time she told me we were gonna be together once she finished school. She's almost done, I patiently waited. I was understanding for the most part when she told me she had to study or work. I had to accept my place on her back burner at times while she insisted it would only be for awhile longer and she was doing it "for us". And now, she's almost done and breaks up with me. My advice to you is send a card or something like that. A graduation gift that is nice, but impersonal. Something to show that you are happy for her, but maybe let her think you are indifferent. Be cordial and short, the way she is with you on the phone. Let her see how that feels. Don't expect her to respond or react to the gift. This is the most important part and if you can't do this then forget it. You are not sending her the card or gift to make her call you and beg for you back. Only to show her that you can be an adult and congradulate her on her day. This is all you should do. Don't write her a long winded letter, don't send her 2 dozen roses or the CD/photo combo you referenced at the beginning of this post. DON'T TEXT OR CALL HER. Remember, no contact.
Author beatingheartbaby Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 I reposted under "no contact question 2" she texted me hey out if the blue today...on no contact day 7. I responded what's up? She asked what I was doing. I told her I'm on my way out. Nice to hear from you. And she says .... "talk to you soon hopefully :-)" what do I do? I feel the ball is in my court. I want to get back with her. But I don't want false hope and I don't know what to do or believe...
Cassablanca Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 This sounds similar to 2 relationships I have seen. The first is, my boyfriends brother dated this girl for 3 years, who I got to know very well as she stayed over at their house as much as I did. Everything with the two of them was great. Over a month or so she became distant, with all of us. She said work was getting crazy and she needed to concentrate on things. She said she wanted space. She stopped coming around to the house and spoke a few times on the phone to her bf about not feeling a spark anymore and that there wasn't anyone else. She was very heartbroken and was a mess. She said she wanted to stay in contact to at least stay friends. 2 weeks later, we found out she began dating someone else. Her sister later told us she met the guy whilst she was with my bf's brother. The second story involves my flatmate who was one of my very best friends (and not so much anymore). Last year she told me she met a guy in the US (where she is from) who she thinks she is falling in love with, despite her having a loving boyfriend of 2 years here in London. Of course I loved her current boyfriend and couldn't imagine his heart being broken. I didn't think she was going to act upon her feelings, but she did. She ended our flat lease and I had 1 week to find a place on my own, as she was suddenly going back to live in California. My own personal issues with her following this is an entire different story. But I couldn't bear watching her boyfriend help her move out, knowing that their relationship was going to end. He thought she had no choice, because her job contract ended and she needed to find work in the US. I knew otherwise. He intended on keeping a long distance relationship, whilst she didn't, but went along with him. Once she arrived in the US, she called to tell me she was going to slowly let him drift away from her, by reducing calls everyday to once a week, until he gets the message. She was clearly having an emotional affair with the guy back in the US and began seeing him. She let this go on for 2 months before she finally broke up with him over the phone at Xmas time. She insisted there was no one else, and it was just the distance. Her rationale was that she didn't want to hurt him, and that letting him down slowly would be the easiest way. She knew if she told him she liked someone else, that it would kill him. She wanted to stay as friends. I am not in any way saying your ex has definitely found someone else. But it is a possibility that I think you should be prepared for. I am sorry to hear about what you're going through, but at this point I think you should let her go. If she wants you back, she will come back to you when she is ready.
Author beatingheartbaby Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 thanks casablanca. i appreciate you sharing those stories. it brings the reality of the situation to light. when you love someone for almost 6 years, the weight of losing them is so hard to bear, that i find myself looking through these forums for anything that will give me hope. im just trying to hold on to the last shred of hope, and it is killing me. in the movie shawshank redemption, morgan freemans character says, "hope is a dangerous thing." well...it really can be. thanks.
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