How did YOU get over it??

[Drummergirl_23]

Well, I'm here once again on the break-up thread. A couple months ago I was freaking out cause my gf wanted a "break". We ended up getting back together and she started becoming more and more distant the past few weeks. We had a fight a couple days ago, I said we were through (I didn't really mean it, I said it in the heat of the moment) and she now says she doesn't want a relationship, we fight too much, the distance is too much, blah blah. I've texted her a couple times and she hasn't responded and surprisingly... I feel slightly relieved. Its like even though we know that asking them "Why?" and going back and forth like "Please don't do this" and so forth only hurts us more, we want to torture ourselves. Being that she hasn't responded, I don't have to relive her rejection everyday. I'm gonna try and start no contact today for good. Even though I want her to try and contact me, deep down I sorta hope she doesn't. My question to everyone is how did you get over your break up?? What types of things helped you in your own personal experience and when did you start feeling whole again?? The last time I went through a break-up I was a complete mess for a month. Crying all the time and I even lost 20 pounds cause I couldn't bring myself to eat. Then one day I woke up and i didn't have that burning feeling in my chest anymore. I was still sad and I still missed her but I knew it was over and that was that. Please tell me your story/any tips or advice. Thanks!

[Ilovecake]

When I first broke up with my ex i was a complete mess, total nervous breakdown. I had to take 6 different pills just so I could leave the house to go to work. Food was nonexistent, I started smoking again and the whole time I though about the relationship, his new girlfriend and our breakup. I had a bunch of questions just like everyone else here. How can he tell me he loves me and then leave me the next day? What is he thinking? Will he call me? Does he miss me?

 

The first and biggest thing for me was excepting that the person is no longer in my life and never will be. I mean really excepting it.

 

I started living for myself. I started doing things just for myself, some things that he held me back from doing some things that I always did, but no matter what I stopped considering him when I did anything. It did take me a while to get used to the fact that whatever I did no longer affected another person and it was very freeing. After that I just let time do its thing. I've now gotten to a point where he's a stranger to me. I no longer care what he does with who he does it with.

I would consider myself 90% over it. The 10% is just a little bruised ego but that will heal as well.

 

You'll get there just give it some time and no matter how bad you feel take good care of yourself.

Edited May 13, 2010 by Ilovecake

[Drummergirl_23]

Sounds like we went through the same things!! When my previous ex and I broke up after 2 years, I had to drink slimfasts and protein shakes for a month cause I couldn't hold down solid food. I started chain smoking and I was ALWAYS on edge. I've known for awhile that things were headed this way with my current, I guess ex (It still hurts to think of her as an ex ). I know we aren't right for each other and so forth, I just think in my mind I've been only worried about the last time I had a break-up and what I went through. I NEVER want to feel that pain again. It was the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. You know how people say once you've gone through these things in your life, each time you go through it again, it gets a little easier?? Do you think there's any truth to that saying? Its only been 2 days but I haven't really cried that much or gotten SUPER depressed like last time (although don't really feel the urge to eat). Its like I'm numb at this point. I don't really feel much of anything. Is that normal?

[CaliGuy]

Have you read my links in my signature? It's a good place to start when you want to heal and move on (as everyone should do when someone chooses to walk away).

[Drummergirl_23]

Yes CaliGuy, many many times I've read both of your threads on no contact and second chances. The last time she wanted a break (maybe 2-3 months ago) I read and re-read the second chances thread many times. This time... I think its just time to go the no contact route for good and just do my best to try to heal and move on. At this point, a second chance is not something that I'm interested in pursuing. Its taken me a long time to come to terms with that but the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over, expecting a different outcome. Its time to make some big changes in my life. It hurts right now, bad, and I am scared but when one door closes another one opens.

[Ilovecake]

The only problem with getting over your ex is that you start eating again. Now I have to be on a diet because I got happy chubby.

[Ilovecake]

Sounds like we went through the same things!! When my previous ex and I broke up after 2 years, I had to drink slimfasts and protein shakes for a month cause I couldn't hold down solid food. I started chain smoking and I was ALWAYS on edge. I've known for awhile that things were headed this way with my current, I guess ex (It still hurts to think of her as an ex ). I know we aren't right for each other and so forth, I just think in my mind I've been only worried about the last time I had a break-up and what I went through. I NEVER want to feel that pain again. It was the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. You know how people say once you've gone through these things in your life, each time you go through it again, it gets a little easier?? Do you think there's any truth to that saying? Its only been 2 days but I haven't really cried that much or gotten SUPER depressed like last time (although don't really feel the urge to eat). Its like I'm numb at this point. I don't really feel much of anything. Is that normal?

 

In my experience every breakup was very different. I've had three very serious relationships and many not so serious ones. This breakup was the worst. In this case I was 38 (he dumped me on my birthday, jerk) so I kind of freaked out about having to look for someone new at my age when most of my friends were getting married. It didn't help that he left me for someone 16 years younger than me. Also I’ve never actually been straight out dumped. My breakups have been amicable or I simply ended the relationship. I never had anyone come straight out and tell me “I don’t love I want to start sleeping with someone else”, ouch.

I think I freaked out mostly because my self esteem was at it's lowest at that point.

Every breakup depends on so many different factors, including where your head is at that point. Some hurt more than others; I don’t think it’s something you ever become numb to.

[Ilovecake]

Its taken me a long time to come to terms with that but the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over, expecting a different outcome. Its time to make some big changes in my life. It hurts right now, bad, and I am scared but when one door closes another one opens.

 

There is another thing we have in common. My ex left twice before that final one. He actually tried to come back again but the words above are exactly what I told myself.

[Drummergirl_23]

There is another thing we have in common. My ex left twice before that final one. He actually tried to come back again but the words above are exactly what I told myself.

 

I know what you mean. Almost a year ago I actually asked for a "break". We split up for about a month or so and I found that I just couldn't bring myself to let go for some reason. About 3 months ago she asked for a "break" and that lasted about another 1-2 months and we got back together but I have just sorta been sensing that we never got back together for GOOD reasons. Only just because neither of us could bring ourselves to just let it go. I know now that it can never work so in a sense it is sort of mutual but my gut-check reaction when she did it was to be upset and like "No, let's try to work this out". Its hard for a person to let go of something that has been such a big part of their life for so long. I don't want to deal with the pain of breaking up but I think the pain of someone constantly giving up on you and letting you down time and time again and then trying again and again to no avail is a worse pain and disappointment then just taking the time to heal and moving forward. Its really just an issue of mathematics. I can live through the stress and pain of constantly breaking up/getting back together for another 6-8 months only to realize its not gonna work and then deal with who knows how long of getting over the person or I can cut to the chase and deal with the grief now.

[CaliGuy]

Why don't you just focus on YOU instead of her, the relationship or the breakup? Your life shouldn't be run by what situation you are in but how you DEAL with it. This adage will help you:

 

"Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I deal with it".

 

Ponder that for a while.

[Drummergirl_23]

"Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I deal with it".

 

 

In other words I should stop throwing myself a pity party and work on myself, lol. A few minutes ago I went to the bathroom and cried for a couple seconds (I'm at work). This is just all so hard. And this is only day 3!!! Ugh, I just wish I could skip to the part where I don't hurt anymore. Unfortunately that's not how life works. At least she lives 5 hours away so I won't have to see or talk to her ever again if I can just keep up the no contact. I think I'm gonna go out tonight, have a few beers with my friends and sing karaoke and forget about all this crap for a night. I was out the other night with a friend going through something similar (with someone knowing it won't work and that is a toxic relationship) and I kept saying things like "Its time to move on, you both deserve a more healthy relationship than the one you have, you can't give eachother what you need, etc." and the whole time I was trying to tell myself the same thing. Its weird helping other people going through a break-up because you can see things soooo clearly from the outside looking in but it's so hard to recognize the same destructive patterns in your own life and relationship. When I give someone advice, I see parellels in my own life and I think it sort of opens my eyes a little bit and helps me to come to terms with the negative aspects of my relationship and my ex.

[Ilovecake]

Drummergirl you're doing fine. It's only been three days, give yourself time to grieve and just digest the whole thing. No matter if you know way ahead of time that things aren't working out it still feels like going against nature when you break out of a strong bond with someone. It takes a little adjustment but when you feel a little more stable do start living for yourself, try to immerse yourself in something that you love that will make you feel good about the person that you are, this really does help to speed up the healing process.

You’ll have good days and you’ll have bad days, you’ll go in and out of a funk but the more time passes the more good days you’ll have. Unfortunately there is no magic pill that will make the pain go away any faster, you just have to grow through it. Utilize this website, you'll be amazed at how similar all our stories are. Sometimes it will seem like people are being harsh but really when you're in wallowing mode a swift kick in the butt and a good dose of reality is the only way to get you back on the road to recovery. People here really do have the best intensions and can be extremely helpful. Share your story and give advice whenever you see a topic you think you can help someone with. All these things helped me tremendously.

[northstar1]

Very good advice Ilovecake.

 

I am about a month post breakup. And I do also have my good days where I can laugh and smile and feel okay and realize 'life goes on'. Others where as soon as I wake up, I know it's going to be a bad day and I feel sad, nostalgic and off for it.

 

There are days I feel perfectly fine doing my own thing at home, and others I feel full of anxiety because I'm going home to an empty place with no plans.

 

But what I have learned through past breakups is that you will get through it and be quite fine in a matter of time. And you will find someone to love. And that the person who left you, well they don't deserve to be contacted, even if it nearly kills you. They decided they no longer wanted the relationship and that's their perogative, but I am not going to let them run over my pride and dignity once they make that decision. Screw em.

[Drummergirl_23]

I appreciate every piece of advice I get here, even the brutally honest stuff like what CaliGuy said and says, lol. I know these are all truths that I have spent months and months not accepting. I know from the outside, you guys can see things way more clearly than I can and trust me, I've had several "epiphanies" while surfing through this site. Everyone here is patient, understanding and helpful and it feels good to talk to other people going through the same things. I'm glad we can all help each other through all the bad times. My favorite thing though is reading a happy story about someone starting up a new relationship after I've read many many posts about their break-up and how hard it is and all. It reminds me that no matter how hard things are right now, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Drummergirl_23]

They decided they no longer wanted the relationship and that's their perogative, but I am not going to let them run over my pride and dignity once they make that decision. Screw em.

 

That's such a good point. I think deep down, they WANT us to contact them, even if they don't wanna be with us. But her wants are no longer my concern and it's time for me to be selfish. Screw em!! I want my pride and dignity back!

[EvergreenD]

Man this is a good topic! I love it! It has helped me so much!!!!

[t0ri]

How did I get over it?

 

I first let the news sink in. I freaked out at first and I did do some regrettable things like pestering him with a million questions because I had no answers, showing up at his apartment, spying on his facebook, etc. But I realized I had to let go. He chose to walk away, so why waste any more time or thoughts on some one who choosingly took me out of their life?

 

I went no contact. I started focusing on ME instead of him, and our relationship. I analyzed our relationship in order to LEARN from it - as in what went wrong, what I wouldn't want in a future relationship or a future partner, what to improve on my part, etc. I went out with friends. I would go out for long jogs with my dog and ipod a few times a week, which REALLY helped me. I focused on school more intensely (I'm in college). I spent time with my family. When I needed to talk, I talked to my family and friends about it. I read books. I started watching tv series. I basically kept myself busy to keep my mind off of him and what the hell happened for him to break up with me. I actually had broken up with him a few times before he dumped me, but we were never apart for more than a few days when I did it.

 

I went through phases for awhile where I'd feel horrible for a week or two, then have a good day or two. Eventually, the bad days became less and less and the good days became more and more. It took me about 4 months to feel ok about things, and about 9 months to be completely over it.

 

The biggest realization I had after our break up was that I had let him become my whole world. I didn't know who I was without him, and didn't know what to do with myself now that I was alone. I reorganized my priorities for good and told myself I'd NEVER let anyone become my whole life, rather than a compliment to it.

 

That conclusion /\ helped me focus on me, and that this is my life, and I'M living it, and I only have ONE chance to live it. This helped me stop worrying about what he was doing with his life, or why he walked out of my mine, along with the other endless questions.

 

I let go of what was, and focused on what IS. I met someone soon after I was completely over the breakup (who is 2342834718273 billion times better than my ex), have been dating him since (6 months), and haven't looked back. It was my first serious heartbreak, so I learned a lot. Give your heart time to heal, you can't rush it. Do focus on YOU. Don't beat yourself up. Soak in what has happened and accept it, but learn from it. I've learned how resilient the human heart is, and you definitely will heal. Good luck! And NC, NC, NC!

[t0ri]

That's such a good point. I think deep down, they WANT us to contact them, even if they don't wanna be with us. But her wants are no longer my concern and it's time for me to be selfish. Screw em!! I want my pride and dignity back!

 

I definitely think they like hearing from us, the dumpees, as long as it's not excessive. It's simply for selfish reasons, like an ego boost, though. Just lets them know that we're still thinking about and missing them, pining over them, want them, whatever. They don't deserve an ounce of that satisfaction, no matter how much you really do miss or want them.

 

Good -be selfish!

[Taucher]

It is almost exactly a year since my ex left me. I was horrified and inconsolable. From this position I can now see what really helped me to reach this point. The four things helped me to get here are: -

 

1) Friends. My friends were excellent. Hopefully yours are too. They listened to me talk non stop about my ex. They indulged me feeling sorry for myself and they made me laugh from time to time. Lean on your friends at times like this, and don't feel guilty about doing so. They were there for me, and I have been there for them when they are going through sh*t.

 

2) Time. This is a hard one to take so early on after being dumped (I know your break up was sort of mutual, but a break up's a break up), but the truth is time heals. You want answers when your relationship ends. I was always looking for answers, going through things in my mind. This is necessary to an extent, but can drive you mad. Truth is, I never got any answers. But as time went on, I cared less about answers. Now, it seems irrelevant. The confusion is still there about why she dumped me, but the pain has gone.

 

3) No contact. This is VERY hard, which I am sure you know. I kept trying to reach out to her for the first 2 months or so. But no contact really helps you move on. It is like an addiction - and cold turkey is the only cure. After not seeing her or hearing from her for three months, I began to forget. Most people (99% of people?) are well adjusted enough to let things go if the thing is not there. I found that I couldn't stay in love with someone who is absent.

 

Funnily enough, no contact has left me with no lasting damage. In fact, I am stronger because of it. I have evidence that she found my dissapearance quite hard. Good. She can deal with the consequences of her actions; actions that I no longer care about.

 

4) Loveshack! Of course! This forum is total crap at providing answers and giving reassurance that your ex will come back. Ironically, these are often the things that people want most when they first come on.

 

Looking back, I can see that this site is excellelent for making you feel like you are not alone, that other people know exactly how you are feeling; this, for me, was very important. It is also excellent as an aid for preventing you from contacting your ex. So many things I said on this site that, at the time, I wanted to say to her. Now I realise that just saying it was enough. I got it out of my system. She was left in the dark, I grew stronger.

 

Allow yourself this time to be sad. Dont get too upset if you actually feel a little bit worse as time goes on. It got worse before it got better for me.

 

I know I am coming from the perspective of someone who was dumped out of the blue and your break up was more sort of mutual, but I guess the themes are the same.

 

You sound like your head is screwed on straight. You'll be fine.

Edited May 13, 2010 by Taucher

[Drummergirl_23]

Well, I was doing good yesterday. I hadn't cried much and I didn't contact her. Today is rough. I cried all the way to work. I suppose you could say I got the nostalgia bug. I started thinking about all the good times and all the plans that are now dead. Even when you know a break up is the best thing for you, it's a very hard pill to swallow. Today is a bad day. My biggest fear at this point honestly, is her calling me. No good can come from her calling me because of these two scenarios:

 

A.) She calls and says she made a mistake. I know in my heart that the break up is the right thing to do in the long run but I know that right now if she called and wanted to work things out, I would probably not have the strength to stand my ground.

 

B.) She calls and re-affirms that yes, we are done. When she said we were over, we had been arguing and it sorta came out in anger and we really haven't had a real conversation about it being over. If she tells me she meant everything she said, even though I know its for the best my ego will be bruised yet again. I will be crushed yet again and rejected.

 

I have a feeling she will contact me at some point. We didn't really end things in a definitive way (after 2 1/2 years this all happened via text!). Maybe she won't call. I'm not hoping she does or doesn't, I just want this terrible burning in my chest to go away. This is sooo hard.

[Drummergirl_23]

I definitely think they like hearing from us, the dumpees, as long as it's not excessive. It's simply for selfish reasons, like an ego boost, though. Just lets them know that we're still thinking about and missing them, pining over them, want them, whatever. They don't deserve an ounce of that satisfaction, no matter how much you really do miss or want them.

 

 

I know they like hearing from us. I know she wants me to call. She expects me to call. I feel like she took away my power in ending the relationship since there is nothing I can do about it. However, she has NO control over whether I contact her or not and I'm sure she'll be wondering why I haven't called. I've ALWAYS called. I wear my heart on my sleeve and when I'm with someone, I give them my heart on a silver platter. I have always called when I know I haven't been acting right or trying as hard or putting in as much effort as I should. Right now, I feel like I have nothing else to give or offer so why call? I've done everything I can think of to make it work. At least I know that in my heart and it gives me some comfort. I will have no regrets about what I should have done. I did it, I did any and everything I could. Sorry, I don't mean to repeat myself. I guess as I'm typing I'm trying to tell myself that. Its like I've been transcribing an internal conversation I'm having in my head. I gotta keep telling myself its for the best.

[CaliGuy]

I appreciate every piece of advice I get here, even the brutally honest stuff like what CaliGuy said and says, lol.

 

LOL!

 

I don't think that I am bein brutal (at least, not intentionally). I have just learned over the years here at LS that no one will listen unless they have the cold, hard facts presented to them.

 

Honestly, I can understand why people want to "hope" as often as they do. Heck, I was that same person as well but I have learned that simply washing the plate clean and moving on has resulted in the best results.

 

You heal faster.

You let THEM go.

Someone NEW can find you.

 

I mean, why does anyone want to make someone a priority who only sees you as an option, right? In the same manner, stop making them a priority and make YOU the priority.

 

Like I said, it's a bee-line to recovery when you stop emphasizing someone else and focus completely on you and your NEW direction in life.

 

Cheers.

[Drummergirl_23]

LOL!

 

I don't think that I am bein brutal (at least, not intentionally).

 

Na, you weren't being brutal, but I've definitely seen you be brutally honest. I agree that when we're in this place where we still have hope and what not, its good when someone breaks down the reality of the situation like you do. 3 months ago I was hoping. Now, I'm taking your advice and washing my plate. I know its gonna be hard and I'll try to focus on myself. Thanks!

[CaliGuy]

Na, you weren't being brutal, but I've definitely seen you be brutally honest. I agree that when we're in this place where we still have hope and what not, its good when someone breaks down the reality of the situation like you do. 3 months ago I was hoping. Now, I'm taking your advice and washing my plate. I know its gonna be hard and I'll try to focus on myself. Thanks!

 

There you go. I mean, the point of recovery occurs most often when people really want it instead of focusing on the past. When someone walks out you're left with, well, YOU. If you can't make yourself happy alone you will never be able to do so with someone else.

 

So do whatever it does that makes you happy (within the extent of the law, lol). Take a trip, work out, find some new hobbies, hang with friends, etc. There are many ways to make yourself happy without being IN a relationship.

 

You just have to look...

[Ilovecake]

There you go. I mean, the point of recovery occurs most often when people really want it instead of focusing on the past.

 

…or you have no other choice. I think that's why it's so important to really truly except the other person being gone. In that case you have two choices either wallow in your own misery and fantasize about what could have been (which is a complete waste of time) or make yourself go on without them and live the best life possible. I think that’s why people who have been here for a while come off as brutal sometimes because they’re trying to show you the truth of the situation and it’s not always pretty but it’s the only truth. To get through to someone who’s still in shock from the breakup is hard, sometimes you need to figuratively slap them in the face to bring them back to earth. That's what is so great about this site, people make you step outside of yourself and look at things logically and from an outsider's perspective which is hard to do by yourself when you’re hopped up on self pitty.